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Respect Your Husband

Posted by on Jan. 13, 2018 at 1:52 PM
  • 17 Replies

So, recently my DH and I have been having huge arguments. It starts with me getting upset because he isn't doing what needs to be done. I feel like I'm not even married. If it is anything for the kids, it is practically like he is a kid himself. Getting him to do anything other than play video games is like pulling teeth. And yes, I've tried just letting him be. The kids start asking, "Doesn't daddy want to do anything but play his games?" and they feel ignored, just like me. I've made schedules, he doesn't even look at them. I've told him when we have appointments or whatnot that we need to plan around, he forgets about them. The only thing that matters is work and his games. 

So to say I'm angry is an understatement. I need shit to CHANGE. Our marriage is in a really shaky spot right now with me having daily fantasies about leaving it.

I've tried being direct, I've tried not saying anything, I've even tried using questions so as not to come off as bitching. I've asked him how he would like me to present an issue to him. Nothing works. He won't tell me how I should talk to him, but says I am disrespectful and I speak to him like he is one of the kids. (That, of course made me want to say "Well, if you wouldn't act like one of them" but I bit my tongue). 

So, I've been reading up on stuff and it all says that you should sandwich any concerns in two compliments, and show him he is a king so he will treat you like a queen. Ugh. I don't know how I can do that, first off, and secondly, what if he doesn't? What if he just coasts. What do I tell the kids? What do I tell myself while I throw the rest of my adult life away on a lame duck relationship? 

Wish we were just friends and I could date on the side. He is a great guy, but he is just disconnected from our marriage and the family. My poor kids. He won't take care of them, spend time with them, anything.

by on Jan. 13, 2018 at 1:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
TommyAbby
by Melissa on Jan. 13, 2018 at 3:05 PM

The video games would be in the trash if they came before his family. I would take them out of the house entirely as a wake up call. 

gaylelynne
by Member on Jan. 13, 2018 at 8:46 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's heartbreaking to hear that the kids are feeling neglected, as well. How old is your husband? It sounds like he definitely needs a wake up call. It sounds like you've tried everything you can think of to get his attention, short of leaving him. You said you've tried being direct with him so you might have already done this, but have you asked him if he wants a divorce? If you haven't, maybe that's the reality check he needs to see that he has to invest some time in his family if he wants to keep you.

Fayanne
by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2018 at 10:26 AM
2 moms liked this

what books are you reading?  There are some really good ones out there, many are faith based.

My pastor once told me that you basically need to hit a man over the head with a 2 x 4 of information before they can see what's really going on.

And you do have more power to change things than you realize, but you've currently got things mired in a long-standing cycle of disrespect, anger, complacency, etc. So.. things won't change over night. He's a great guy, you said, just disconnected. I'm going to guess he didn't get this way over night.

Skip the whole 'sandwich' thing.

However, respect is HUGE on the list for men. Appreciation is next. On one survey I'd read about, men overwhelming stated they would rather be 'respected' than loved.  You really need to wrap your head around the idea that 'love' to men, and 'love' for women are really very very different.

Begin by showing gratitude for any thing he DOES do... even if they only thing you can find is the fact that he earns a paycheck to help support the family. FAKE IT if you have to, but mean it when you say it. "Hey, it occurred to me the other day that I have never taken the time to thank you for supporting our family the way you do, so, thank you"... then, let it go. Or, "Hey, it dawned on my that I have never told you how proud I am of the work you do, so let me just say, I think you have really done a great job in your career"

or something similar.

Why should you, if he doesn't do the same ???

Because.

Because you want things to change, and it has to start with someone, so you've decided it has to be you.  Sometimes the only way a marriage survives these rough spots is when one person in the marriage digs and their heels and gets too damn stubborn to just give up.

2) Acknowledge that he's intelligent, and doesn't need another mother to tell him what to do.  Ask for his advice about something AND FOLLOW IT. Don't say "Which dress looks better?" then go with the one he didn't choose.  Make it about something you are willling to go with. "Hey, I noticed the tires on the car look a bit worn, ... when do you think we should get new ones?".. If he has an issue with something, with every fiber of genuiness in your body, say "Well, I know you can figure it out, you're a really smart guy".

3) Stop any form of criticism. It's all disrespect to a man. If you can have a conversation about an issue, that's one thing. But finger pointing gets you nowhere, and you already know that.

They say women are the weaker sex, but men really have very very fragile egos.  It has taken me years to understand how men process things totally differently than women do, but I've come to the conclusion they really really do.

If you're really game.. try this. Ask him to list 3 things about you that drive him nuts. That will tell you volumes. However, you can't respond with "Yeah, well YOU __" or defend yourself with "Well, do you ever stop to wonder why I ____". Just listen, and absorb.


                   
    Life is divine chaos
Embrace it.  Forgive  yourself.   Breathe
           And enjoy the ride....   

lpn54
by Bronze Member on Jan. 14, 2018 at 11:42 AM
1 mom liked this
I m so sorry for you if he doesn't want to go to counseling or try to be a part of the beautiful family he has I d tell him hit the bricks
nattyleilani
by Member on Jan. 14, 2018 at 4:48 PM

I struggle with much of the same. It's been 12 years of marriage, and my husband blames me for why he won't accept help and change his behaviors (ptsd, generalized anxiety disorder, depression). Sometimes, there's simply nothing you can do. People show you who they are no matter how YOU behave. 

curlyfreespirit
by New Member on Jan. 25, 2018 at 11:17 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Fayanne:

what books are you reading?  There are some really good ones out there, many are faith based.

My pastor once told me that you basically need to hit a man over the head with a 2 x 4 of information before they can see what's really going on.

And you do have more power to change things than you realize, but you've currently got things mired in a long-standing cycle of disrespect, anger, complacency, etc. So.. things won't change over night. He's a great guy, you said, just disconnected. I'm going to guess he didn't get this way over night.

Skip the whole 'sandwich' thing.

However, respect is HUGE on the list for men. Appreciation is next. On one survey I'd read about, men overwhelming stated they would rather be 'respected' than loved.  You really need to wrap your head around the idea that 'love' to men, and 'love' for women are really very very different.

Begin by showing gratitude for any thing he DOES do... even if they only thing you can find is the fact that he earns a paycheck to help support the family. FAKE IT if you have to, but mean it when you say it. "Hey, it occurred to me the other day that I have never taken the time to thank you for supporting our family the way you do, so, thank you"... then, let it go. Or, "Hey, it dawned on my that I have never told you how proud I am of the work you do, so let me just say, I think you have really done a great job in your career"

or something similar.

Why should you, if he doesn't do the same ???

Because.

Because you want things to change, and it has to start with someone, so you've decided it has to be you.  Sometimes the only way a marriage survives these rough spots is when one person in the marriage digs and their heels and gets too damn stubborn to just give up.

2) Acknowledge that he's intelligent, and doesn't need another mother to tell him what to do.  Ask for his advice about something AND FOLLOW IT. Don't say "Which dress looks better?" then go with the one he didn't choose.  Make it about something you are willling to go with. "Hey, I noticed the tires on the car look a bit worn, ... when do you think we should get new ones?".. If he has an issue with something, with every fiber of genuiness in your body, say "Well, I know you can figure it out, you're a really smart guy".

3) Stop any form of criticism. It's all disrespect to a man. If you can have a conversation about an issue, that's one thing. But finger pointing gets you nowhere, and you already know that.

They say women are the weaker sex, but men really have very very fragile egos.  It has taken me years to understand how men process things totally differently than women do, but I've come to the conclusion they really really do.

If you're really game.. try this. Ask him to list 3 things about you that drive him nuts. That will tell you volumes. However, you can't respond with "Yeah, well YOU __" or defend yourself with "Well, do you ever stop to wonder why I ____". Just listen, and absorb.

I have to say I agree with this, communication is important, honesty with him and yourself. You have to ask What do you want in this marriage?, What are your expectations? How do you feel about me and you as a person and as a couple?, What is his expectations for you as a wife and him as a husband?, What is it that he believes is missing in you guys relationship?, Is he going through any problems he hasn't told you about, and ask how they can be solved? Ask why is he in this marriage? Establish rules and what you want from each other. Lay it all out, put out the problems find solutions together. You have to be blunt, What Do You Want From This? Are we committed to each other? Do You Want This To Work? Tell him what you need from him, and yes tell him what he his doing awesome and tell him what makes you love him and you want to make this work. Forgive him, yourself and Forget. Everyday communication is important. He might feel like he is missing or not getting something from you. Listen to each other and try to understand we he is coming from. You may have to reestablish a whole new relationship and marriage. Reconnect with him romantically, spiritually and emotionally. Hey play some games with him and include the kids, find family games and even find naughty games for the two of you. Take care of yourself, love and make yourself a better person. If you know what You want communicating with him can be much easier. 

redheadtmk
by on Jan. 25, 2018 at 11:47 PM
2 moms liked this

The other ladies all gave solid advice. However I prefer to be more blunt than that. I love my dh with all my heart and enjoy being married to him. However I am a strong independent woman who would have zero problems living on her own and supporting herself. I dont ever throw it in his face that i could leave him and be fine but I carry myself in a way that lets him, or anyone who meets me really, know that I am not one to be messed with.  After trying a few things similar to what is above, I would point  blank say "Our marriage is in serious trouble and on the verge of not being able to be fixed. The kids and are I incredibly unhappy and you have ignored any attempts to change things. This is it, do or die time. We can go for a drive right now to talk and save our marriage, or we can end it. Your choice but I cant carry this marriage alone and I am done trying."  

Normally when we need to talk about things we go for a drive out in the country and park. There is nowhere to run to, nothing to distract us from the issue at hand. We have to look at each other, hear each other, and resolve the issue before heading back home. It works for us. 

fluffiekittie
by New Member on Jan. 26, 2018 at 7:42 AM
1 mom liked this

I know a lot of women swear by Laura Doyle's books, maybe look them up and see if something might help?

Maime13
by Member on Jan. 26, 2018 at 10:21 AM

This. 

There a limit to the amount of games and tap dancing you should have to do to get your husband to be an invested partner in your marriage. 

You do not need to take ownership of his issue. It's not your fault and it's not your responsibility to move the pieces in just the right way to fix it. You could honestly keep this up for years and it's madness.

If a couple doesn't have communication they have nothing. And communication can't be accomplished alone. If you don't know how to talk to each other, then go to couples counseling and learn. It'll give you both a safe venue with an objective third party and that is invaluable when you are floundering to find a way to talk to each other. 

If he can't get invested, then that's on him. But you do you. Even if he won't go to counseling, go on your own. Put in the work on yourself and talk out these issues with a professional.

Quoting redheadtmk:

The other ladies all gave solid advice. However I prefer to be more blunt than that. I love my dh with all my heart and enjoy being married to him. However I am a strong independent woman who would have zero problems living on her own and supporting herself.   After trying a few things similar to what is above, I would point  blank say "Our marriage is in serious trouble and on the verge of not being able to be fixed. The kids and are I incredibly unhappy and you have ignored any attempts to change things. This is it, do or die time. We can go for a drive right now to talk and save our marriage, or we can end it. Your choice but I cant carry this marriage alone and I am done trying."  

Normally when we need to talk about things we go for a drive out in the country and park. There is nowhere to run to, nothing to distract us from the issue at hand. We have to look at each other, hear each other, and resolve the issue before heading back home. It works for us. 


iamcafemom83
by Member on Jan. 26, 2018 at 10:29 AM
1 mom liked this
I wpuldnt give him a compliment unless he truly deserves it.
That method is more like walking on eggshells! I don't think that's how you want to be.
He needs a wake up call.
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