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So, recently my DH and I have been having huge arguments. It starts with me getting upset because he isn't doing what needs to be done. I feel like I'm not even married. If it is anything for the kids, it is practically like he is a kid himself. Getting him to do anything other than play video games is like pulling teeth. And yes, I've tried just letting him be. The kids start asking, "Doesn't daddy want to do anything but play his games?" and they feel ignored, just like me. I've made schedules, he doesn't even look at them. I've told him when we have appointments or whatnot that we need to plan around, he forgets about them. The only thing that matters is work and his games. 

So to say I'm angry is an understatement. I need shit to CHANGE. Our marriage is in a really shaky spot right now with me having daily fantasies about leaving it.

I've tried being direct, I've tried not saying anything, I've even tried using questions so as not to come off as bitching. I've asked him how he would like me to present an issue to him. Nothing works. He won't tell me how I should talk to him, but says I am disrespectful and I speak to him like he is one of the kids. (That, of course made me want to say "Well, if you wouldn't act like one of them" but I bit my tongue). 

So, I've been reading up on stuff and it all says that you should sandwich any concerns in two compliments, and show him he is a king so he will treat you like a queen. Ugh. I don't know how I can do that, first off, and secondly, what if he doesn't? What if he just coasts. What do I tell the kids? What do I tell myself while I throw the rest of my adult life away on a lame duck relationship? 

Wish we were just friends and I could date on the side. He is a great guy, but he is just disconnected from our marriage and the family. My poor kids. He won't take care of them, spend time with them, anything.

by on Jan. 13, 2018 at 1:52 PM
Replies (11-17):
by on Jan. 28, 2018 at 2:59 PM

Oh yes, the adult child *sigh.  Sorry you're going through this, but know you're not alone.  There are many men that just don't know what it looks like to be a good father and husband.  What is he modeling?  Was his dad present in his life?  Has he had a good example to follow?  Although that's not an excuse for his behavior, it is rationale for it.  Perhaps counseling will help, if he's willing.  Is there a male figure in his life that maybe could talk to him in 'man speak'.  Communication between men and women can be a challenge.  Sometime it helps for another man to talk to him.  But, respect is important too. So tread llightly.  Some men don't want others in their business so it would have to be someone that he respects, that is not one to spread your business and that will not try to use this as an opportunity to hit on you.  Pray for guidance on how you should approach him.  Ask for God's super-natural help with your marriage.  I stay on my knees.  Marriage is tough.  Men are a handful.  It takes compromise on both sides.  Hey, do you like video games :-)  Maybe it can be something you both enjoy.  If not, find something that you like doing togeher.  After havig fun tgether maybe you can say now let's <insert chore here> together :-)

by Member on Jan. 29, 2018 at 12:04 PM

Write letters. You and your kids sit down and write a letter to your dh about how he makes you feel. Sometimes seeing things in writing is more helpful than saying it. Men can learn to tune our voices out. It's a weird superpower. Anyway, try letters. Give him time to process them. In YOUR letter, you need to suggest marriage counseling. If he refuses, tell him that you have been trying your best to find way to communicate with him. If he cannot give you a better solution to tackling these issues, then he is leaving you no alternative than to seek outside help. Perhaps a mediator would be a better way to go since talking to him directly doesn't help, and every other avenue has been exhausted. If he won't go to counseling, tell him that he is driving your marriage into a wall, because that is the truth. He either wants to work with you or he doesn't. If he won't work with you, then you simply don't have a marriage anyway. 

by Member on Jan. 30, 2018 at 11:01 AM

I was having similar issues. I stronly recommend your read this book called "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle. Don't let the name fool you. This book helped me see things from my DH's point of view and really helped my marriage and understanding. You should read it!

by Member on Jan. 30, 2018 at 11:55 AM
I agree with this. I started feeling ignored and lonely and wanted out. I brought up divorce to my DH and now he helps with the kids and gives me more attention. He also doesn't play his video games as often.

Quoting gaylelynne:

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's heartbreaking to hear that the kids are feeling neglected, as well. How old is your husband? It sounds like he definitely needs a wake up call. It sounds like you've tried everything you can think of to get his attention, short of leaving him. You said you've tried being direct with him so you might have already done this, but have you asked him if he wants a divorce? If you haven't, maybe that's the reality check he needs to see that he has to invest some time in his family if he wants to keep you.

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by Member on Jan. 30, 2018 at 1:22 PM
If you e told him 3 times and nothing has changed, the only thing you’ve told him is that you’re willing to accept that behavior.
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 12:28 PM

I was there once. Told that man I needed more US time. nope nothing. My word didn't matter. He would always say crap like oh you'll get tired of my shit and leave. Cry to your boyfriend. And pack your crap and leave. You don't care about me. You don't try. You don't take me into consideration. You're fat. STFU, you're opnion is invalid, ect... I could keep going. Eventually shit like that makes having someone else on the side not a bad idea. And it went there, and he did not like it one bit either. Finally was the thing that woke his ass up though. Guess it scared him that I was ready to throw in the towel without giving him or our marriage of 12 years at the time a second thought. 

by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 12:42 PM

I could be way wrong. But it sounds like there is a major disconnection between the 2 of you. And he might be feeling frustrated or neglected because everything is centered around the kids. Do the 2 of you ever get out on date nights? Just the 2 of you? If not, I would start there. Once you two of you feel more connected and equal and are on the same team, maybe he might be more agreeable to things. Talk it out and tell him what you need from him. Ask him what he needs from you. Stop nagging him and attacking him. Its not going to end well. He is just going to tune it out. 

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