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Long - Married 12 Year, Not in Love

Posted by on Feb. 4, 2018 at 1:53 PM
  • 12 Replies

Husband and I have been married almost 12 years. We have had a good marriage. He is a great father, a good husband, and a good person. I think he still loves me just a much as he did when we 1st got married. The problem is me. I have been feeling for the last 2 years that I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't know what is wrong with me. There is no good reason for the way I feel. Could this be a midlife crisis - I just turned 40 and kids have all moved from home last year? We have kids from previous relationships but no children together. Our kids are all grown and out of the house with the exception of SD19 who is finishing up her 1st year in college. 

I have convinced myself that our marriage is over. I have been looking at furnished apartments for several months. I have made plans in my head that the only thing I would want from a separation is my car and personal belongings and 1/2 of the bank account and investments. He can keep the other 3 cars we own and the house (he had the house before we got married) and all furniture. We both make good money so I know finacially we would both be okay - him more than me initially as I would be 100% starting over.

What is stopping me from speaking to him about how I feel is that he would be alone. SD works and isn't home a lot. Husband has no friends and isn't close to his brother that lives in the same town. I don't want to hurt him, I love him as a person but I think I would be happier being on my own. There is no one else for me and I'm convicned that if this marriage doesn't work, then marriage isn't for me. This is my 1st marraige and his 2nd.

I know logically I likely need to seek counseling but I don't want to. I'm selfish and ready to do things on my own and don't want anyone trying to convince me otherwise. I'm not usually a selfish person but I know my thoughts make me selfish. I'm depressed (not on medications) and have no interest interacting with him.

Please pray for us.

by on Feb. 4, 2018 at 1:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Member on Feb. 4, 2018 at 2:04 PM
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You need to seek help for your depression, for yourself and your marriage. When you are more “balanced,” you will be in a better place and feel more able to move forward, whatever that may be.
by on Feb. 5, 2018 at 6:13 AM
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You don’t have to love him just because he is your husband. Do you like him? Did you love him when you married him? Do you feel loved? You talk about him being alone but not about suffering if you leave? Why don’t you love him?
When did you fall out of love? Have you heard about empty nesters being a real issue?

You are not selfish! You have the right to feel or not feel certain things. However, you should talk to him about how you feel.

by Member on Feb. 5, 2018 at 9:57 AM
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I am sorry to hear that your feelings have reached this level of emptiness. My first question would be - does your husband have any idea of how you feel, and the plans you are making in secret? How do you suppose he would react if he knew?

I think any time a person is at the crossroads of life, they can feel uncertain and overwhelmed. After all, we can't see into the future, but can only shape images in our minds of how desperately we want things to go in our favor. We give ourselves ultimatums. We conclude we are worth more than what we are dealing with.

But thankfully, there is hope, and people don't have to stay stuck in this mindset. There are options to reconcile things back to a new level of love. The question is, are you both willing to commit to it? How would you respond if he were in the same position and decided to resolve his situation without any involvement from you? 

If you are a selfish person and choose to not let anyone convince you otherwise, what exactly do you wish us to pray for? You actually seem like a very sensitive person - enough to be affected by him being alone, should you decide to leave. Somewhere inside of you is a beautiful person blessed with a thoughtful and caring heart..

I personally feel it's wise to discuss all this with your husband before you make any decision. You may discover things to you do not know. You may be able to look at each other in the face and understand more fully what you are both experiencing. You may be both fighting feelings that seem bigger than you, but together you can find a way to work through them. 

I would encourage you to pray about this first. Ask God what you should do. He loves both of you and knows what is in your hearts. He is the one who has your answers. 

I don't want to dismiss your feelings of depression either. There is a multitude of reasons why you are feeling this way, and there are options to treat the root cause of it. Have you considered what they are? Isolating yourself from the answers, and tackling this in your own strength might not work. The more you talk about this, with the right people including your husband, the easier it will be to get to a new starting point. 

My heart goes out to you, and I wish we could talk more about this. I know you are not in an easy place emotionally, but please give this some time and consider working at it before choosing to leave. My hope and prayer for you is that you will begin to see that your life can be more meaningful, and that you will discover your purpose. Please write back if you'd like.

by on Feb. 5, 2018 at 1:47 PM
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I am so sorry you are feeling frustrated and defeated in your marriage.  You seem to know yourself pretty well and mentioned going to counseling.  I would encourage you to seek professional help.  A few years ago a counselor told me that most people who divorce in mid-life have regrets within one year and wish they would have tried to make their marriage work.  Sometimew when I am frustrated with my own marriage, I start to write down the things I loved and still love about my husband and being married.  The book "Love Dare" and the corresponding movie Fireproof might be work checking out.  It is about a marriage which seemed to be irrepairable but through perseverance, faith, and hard work, it was restored to a better marriage than anyone would have imagined.  Please, please consider working on your marriage and being honest with your husband.  Marriages are worth fighting for!

by on Feb. 6, 2018 at 1:17 AM

Would it surprise you to discover that it is fairly common to come to a place in your marriage where "in love" is no longer a dominant feeling?  Would you be open to reading some articles which talk about how to shift your focus from love as a feeling, to love as an action with the goal of restoring hope to your marriage? Since you mentioned that you have convinced yourself that your marriage is over, it might be helpful to see otherwise.  If you are interested, I would be happy to share some resources with you that have been helpful for me. 

by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 5:44 AM
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said an elderly woman when asked the secret to her long marriage: "We never stopped loving each other at the same time".

You didn't think you'd have to put some work into this???

by Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 8:12 AM
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And I will pray!

Quoting K3412: You need to seek help for your depression, for yourself and your marriage. When you are more “balanced,” you will be in a better place and feel more able to move forward, whatever that may be.
by Bronze Member on Feb. 7, 2018 at 10:13 AM
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I went through that in my first marriage. We were married 15 years and I got bored. I do sometimes regret it and other days I dont.
by Member on Feb. 7, 2018 at 12:07 PM
Love and marriage changes over time. Empty nest, depression, both things are major life changes and leaving your marriage won't make either better. Add to that the guilt youvwill feel over the hurt you will cause your spouse and you will end up more miserable than you already are. Seek counseling, read materials on depression that others here are suggesting, seek ways to reconnect with your spouse. A simple change of your routine together might be helpful. Talk to each other about your life going forward as empty nesters; he may have ideas for your future-- downsizing, travel, etc.
Being alone as we age is seldom the answer.
Talk to your spouse. Remember why you love him and don't give up .
by Member on Feb. 7, 2018 at 1:13 PM
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What is your definition of love?  If you think that 'butterflies in the stomach' feeling and the missing him and feeling anxious all the time when he isn't around is love, that is not really love.  Love over the long haul is like your favorite pair of jeans.  Comfortable and forgiving.  There for you for the long haul, kinda thing.  I think the previous posters may be right that you're dealing with depression.  

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