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Feeling like I just can't win

Posted by on Jun. 8, 2014 at 8:58 AM
  • 32 Replies

DH felt pressured because his was the sole income, so I found a job....and now I'm working more than he is.  Keep in mind, I don't MAKE more than he does, but I work more hours.

Now he's acting resentful.  We have had more fights over money in the last 2 weeks than we have had in the 20 years we've been together.  He acts the martyr because he's been asked to help out with a few things at home.  He even refuses the idea of a cleaning lady even though he won't clean.  Right now it's easier for me to do what needs to be done and don't speak to him.

If it wasn't for the fact that we do need the extra money, I feel discouraged enough to quit my job.

Any tips?

by on Jun. 8, 2014 at 8:58 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lizfnf
by Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 9:16 AM
1 mom liked this
He needs to pitch in. It's not right that you too are now working full time and still trying to maintain the home as well. Personally I would make him responsible for his own things, like his laundry to see if he gets the hint. Enlist your kids for help as well, if I remember correctly they're teens so they are old enough to be aware of how much work you did at home. Every man/woman for themselves rule!
michiganmom116
by Rhonda on Jun. 8, 2014 at 9:26 AM

He "pitches in" in his own way.  He will do laundry, but he won't put it away.  He'll wash dishes, but won't put them away, wipe appliances, clean countertops.  He'll do barn chores, but he'll only feed (and it's not in  correct amounts) and leaves the barn cleaning for me.  He'll mow the lawn with the riding mower, but he won't use the push mower or weed whip...stuff like that.  I even make meal plans, print recipes, get out the non-perishable ingredient and set them with the recipes....and he finds some excuse like he didn't know which package of steak to use, didn't know what marinade to put on the chicken before grilling, didn't know how big the potatoes should be cut...duh, I have a phone at work, just CALL ME.

Maybe I'm expecting too much?  He DID live on his own for several years before we got married, so I know he knows how to do these things.

The kids will do their own laundry, but it doesn't make it past the dryer  LOL  They've also got part-time summer jobs to make their own spending money.  I think I need to make up lists for them, too.

Quoting lizfnf: He needs to pitch in. It's not right that you too are now working full time and still trying to maintain the home as well. Personally I would make him responsible for his own things, like his laundry to see if he gets the hint. Enlist your kids for help as well, if I remember correctly they're teens so they are old enough to be aware of how much work you did at home. Every man/woman for themselves rule!


ScrChk23
by Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 10:38 AM

Ask him if he has any ideas on how to find the balance.  I would let him come up with some solutions and talk about them.  I have done this with my husband.  

othermom
by Bronze Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 11:05 AM

Just give it time for you both to adjust to the changes. Maybe talk with him about the chores that need to be done and how often and stuff and divide them up. When I was working it was only part time and it was frustrating since I had to do malmost all the chores still.

othermom
by Bronze Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 11:07 AM

 Maybe let him come up with some of the meals to make and let him plan some of them

Quoting michiganmom116:

He "pitches in" in his own way.  He will do laundry, but he won't put it away.  He'll wash dishes, but won't put them away, wipe appliances, clean countertops.  He'll do barn chores, but he'll only feed (and it's not in  correct amounts) and leaves the barn cleaning for me.  He'll mow the lawn with the riding mower, but he won't use the push mower or weed whip...stuff like that.  I even make meal plans, print recipes, get out the non-perishable ingredient and set them with the recipes....and he finds some excuse like he didn't know which package of steak to use, didn't know what marinade to put on the chicken before grilling, didn't know how big the potatoes should be cut...duh, I have a phone at work, just CALL ME.

Maybe I'm expecting too much?  He DID live on his own for several years before we got married, so I know he knows how to do these things.

The kids will do their own laundry, but it doesn't make it past the dryer  LOL  They've also got part-time summer jobs to make their own spending money.  I think I need to make up lists for them, too.

Quoting lizfnf: He needs to pitch in. It's not right that you too are now working full time and still trying to maintain the home as well. Personally I would make him responsible for his own things, like his laundry to see if he gets the hint. Enlist your kids for help as well, if I remember correctly they're teens so they are old enough to be aware of how much work you did at home. Every man/woman for themselves rule!

 

Stacie03
by Silver Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 12:07 PM

:(  I'm sure it's fustrating.  Your going back to work after being a SAHM is a big change for everyone and he maybe having a harder time accepting it than he is even willing to admit to himself.  Try having a heart to heart with him explaining what you are feeling.  I hope he comes around sooner rather than later.

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 12:22 PM

I feel for you! I spoiled my husband 30 years ago and he still does next to nothing around the house. I have always worked part time though for the most part. I would hire someone to do the things that you were doing or pay the kids to do them, make a chore list and what you will pay...I know you are super organized but you will burn out fast if you have to do everything AND work full time.

Anniea90
by Bronze Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 12:44 PM

Sounds to me like he half-a**es it. Personally it would drive me crazy. I would rather he do less work and do it right then try to do all of that wrong. At his age there is no excuse other than he is pitching a fit cause now he has some household chores.I understand why yall are fighting more cause that has to be frustrating.

I agree that the teenagers can do a little more then there laundry. Even with working they can pick up one or two more things. Maybe their bathroom or rotating between them who does the dishes?

Quoting michiganmom116:

He "pitches in" in his own way.  He will do laundry, but he won't put it away.  He'll wash dishes, but won't put them away, wipe appliances, clean countertops.  He'll do barn chores, but he'll only feed (and it's not in  correct amounts) and leaves the barn cleaning for me.  He'll mow the lawn with the riding mower, but he won't use the push mower or weed whip...stuff like that.  I even make meal plans, print recipes, get out the non-perishable ingredient and set them with the recipes....and he finds some excuse like he didn't know which package of steak to use, didn't know what marinade to put on the chicken before grilling, didn't know how big the potatoes should be cut...duh, I have a phone at work, just CALL ME.

Maybe I'm expecting too much?  He DID live on his own for several years before we got married, so I know he knows how to do these things.

The kids will do their own laundry, but it doesn't make it past the dryer  LOL  They've also got part-time summer jobs to make their own spending money.  I think I need to make up lists for them, too.

Quoting lizfnf: He needs to pitch in. It's not right that you too are now working full time and still trying to maintain the home as well. Personally I would make him responsible for his own things, like his laundry to see if he gets the hint. Enlist your kids for help as well, if I remember correctly they're teens so they are old enough to be aware of how much work you did at home. Every man/woman for themselves rule!


Memere60
by Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 4:09 PM
2 moms liked this

I don't want to use the word 'selfish', but I can't think of another one. If he won't help you, then let the house go to pot for a while. He'll either start doing some things, or agree to bringing someone in to help. Btw, every time you post something, I've wondered if that picture is what your husband looks like. IS that what he looks like?

frankiesma530
by Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 4:12 PM

Don't quit. If he's resentful that you're working but he needs help with the bills, he needs to get over it. My husband and I went through something similar when I started working again. He had to get used to working around my schedule like how I did for him. It takes time to get used to the adjustment but once you have a routine set for a while, things will smooth out.

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