Still so sad...Please moms help me and tell me your stories and advice
Hello fellow mothers...I was wondering how did everyone deal with the saddness of being a mom of a child with autism? It has been about six and a half years for my FIRST diagnosis, with my son who is very, very affected with autism. He stims constantly and extremely walks on his tip toes all day long. He has no friends that anyone knows of. I get so sad its hard for me to go anywhere and I think to myself 'get up and why are you crying--its been over six years so get used to it!' But, I tell you I am stricken with fear every single day about my own death. Not scared of the pain or anything like that but my son...his own father isn't involved hardly at all with his care. It falls solely on me. So, after I die that means he will be lonely and probably neglected, abused, and just left alone. This is my greatest fear. I am new to cafe' mom, so I hope its ok that I share this. To be completely honest, for most of the first three years I was so broken that I was hardly sober ever. I was still super mom, please don't think he suffered but I couldn't stand the thought that this was my fault. I ate tuna fish (mercury), he had many immunizations, I was on Paxil the first two months of my pregnancy, etc. I hate how people constantly stare at us so I just isolated myself for the better part of five years. I love my son and I have never really had one myself, so I really threw myself into super mom at all times and cost. I never babysat or been around children, as I don't have family. When he was born, as silly as it may sound, I wouldn't even shower for days if that meant my son would be alone or suddenly stop breathing (SIDS). So you can imagine the diagnosis of Autism and what it has done to me. I feel like a shadow of what I once was. I don't feel strong and I don't even know what my own interests are. Does anyone relate? Are there any mothers out there all alone trying hard as hell to navigate everything Autism-related? The one thing I can say, on a positive side, is that I can see the beauty in everyday I am here with him. Thank you for reading this and hearing my words.