Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

You know who your friends are

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:43 AM
  • 34 Replies

Kind of bugs me sometimes. You know how some people have friends and they will do anything for you? Yeah, well I don't.

I mention that I could use a sitter for the kiddo so DH and I can have a date night. Any offers (I mean from local friends)? Nope. But I see them mentioning the need for a sitter and 15 people spring up with "I can do it!"

I mention I have car trouble, and DH is gone so he can't look at it and it's very important that I be somewhere, does anyone offer to help or a ride? Nope. But again, they mention it and they have 15 people offering them car advice, a ride or whatever. 

Obviously I'm exaggerating about the number 15, but you get the point. And some of those "15" are mutual friends.

Seriously I'm about to dump all my local so-called "friends," (which mainly consists of people that I used to work with) because none of them act like it.

I'm just freaking out because the kiddo has an appt on Monday with his pediatric nurse (the one who deals with autistic kids) and I already had to reschedule once (he was originally supposed to go back in November). I had to apply to get her to be his pediatrician. If I have to blow this appt too, I'm afraid that she is going to drop him as a patient because she'll think I'm blowing her off.

Edit: I was able to get the appointment rescheduled, unfortunately the soonest they could get me in was April 3rd. I wish it was sooner, but at least I wasn't "fired."

Since replies aren't always read and it's easy to make assumptions, let me try to make myself clear. All of these friends have people (who they are much closer to than me) who can and will help them (I thought I made that clear). Mostly, by the time I find out they even need any help they've already gotten offers and have accepted. There isn't much I can do about then, is there? That's what happens when you have people you can rely on. I don't have that support system.

It's not easy for me to make friends. I've always been the awkward, shy one. I also have bad hearing which makes conversations with people next to impossible (imagine how it is for me at family get togethers and I can't even talk to members of my own family because I don't have a clue what they are saying). People look at you like you're stupid when you can't understand them. I think with us all having autistic children, we know what that's like, because some of those people give that same look to our kids. So again, not so easy to make friends--at least with anyone that I can't communicate with by typing back and forth with.


by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:43 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
odie_driver
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 7:52 AM

Well, I hate to be the devils advocate, but have you ever offered to help them out? Sometimes people don't feel comfortable because they don't know your personal boundaries. Sometimes it takes you making the first step to make them feel welcome in your "inner circle". 

Just a thought because sometimes it helps looking at something from a different angle. 


RochelleFS
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 8:27 AM
(HUGS)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Sherri93
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 8:38 AM
1 mom liked this

I am so sorry to hear this.  You find someone to help your child and can't get a simple ride to the appointment.  You must feel isolated from everyone else even thought they are your "friends".  Hugs to you.  I wish I had an answer.  I do know that once my son got his diagnosis and I realized we couldn't do normal playdates with the other moms/kids, I have been isolated from my friends.  They didn't understand and I didn't want to make a show everywhere we went when my son was overwhelmed.  I had enough screaming tantrums leaving museums etc. to learn this isn't working for him or me.  Unfortunately, friendships become the casualty of this war sometimes.

mallowcup17
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 8:50 AM

((hugs))

mom2zachy122
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:16 AM

Aww...I'm sorry, I know that's hard.  It is definitely an isolating experience.

Since the doctor appt is a "situation", could you maybe take a taxi if it's not too far?  That's all I can think of off the top of my head......

thatgirl70
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 11:38 AM

So that's the first thing you think of? Thanks. Go away now.

Edit: No, you know what? I will answer your question. These friends, by the time I see any request from them about needing a sitter or needing help with anything, they've already had several people respond and my help isn't needed, and probably not even wanted. These are people who have a high circle of friends who go out to dinner with each other, who arrange playdates with each others kids, who attend every birthday bash (that my kid doesn't even get invited to), etc etc.

So yeah, there's your answer. Again, go away.

Quoting odie_driver:

Well, I hate to be the devils advocate, but have you ever offered to help them out? Sometimes people don't feel comfortable because they don't know your personal boundaries. Sometimes it takes you making the first step to make them feel welcome in your "inner circle". 

Just a thought because sometimes it helps looking at something from a different angle. 



thatgirl70
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 11:42 AM

Yeah, I really don't have much of a support system, no family nearby (and as I've stated other times they don't believe he's autistic) and no friends that I'm truly close with (my closest friend lives in another state).

Quoting Sherri93:

I am so sorry to hear this.  You find someone to help your child and can't get a simple ride to the appointment.  You must feel isolated from everyone else even thought they are your "friends".  Hugs to you.  I wish I had an answer.  I do know that once my son got his diagnosis and I realized we couldn't do normal playdates with the other moms/kids, I have been isolated from my friends.  They didn't understand and I didn't want to make a show everywhere we went when my son was overwhelmed.  I had enough screaming tantrums leaving museums etc. to learn this isn't working for him or me.  Unfortunately, friendships become the casualty of this war sometimes.


MichelleNiccum
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 11:48 AM
1 mom liked this

To thatgirl70.  I know exactly what you are talking about.  My son is 4 1/2 and have been out to dinner once without him.  The only time I have anytime is when he is in school for 3 hrs.  My family live in different states than me and can't help or I know they would.  My in-laws well.  My father in law has been taking him to school these last two weeks.  But, only because my husband went back to school and right now my son is not ready to take the bus by himself.  If I was close to you I would help.  I know what its like to feel abandonded by so called friends.  You have a friend here.  Good luck. 

thatgirl70
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 11:54 AM

It's on the other side of town, so I'm pretty sure a taxi ride wouldn't be cheap. But I'm going to look into the bus route because the bus stop is right next to his school (that I can at least walk to).

Quoting mom2zachy122:

Aww...I'm sorry, I know that's hard.  It is definitely an isolating experience.

Since the doctor appt is a "situation", could you maybe take a taxi if it's not too far?  That's all I can think of off the top of my head......


Ela18
by Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:49 PM

I am really sorry your friends do not help out.  I have a hard time asking for help and when I do I am pretty desperate.    I wish you lived nearby and we could share babysitting or just handing out.   I feel alone a lot because my relatives or friends are busy or not nearby.  My best friends from high school live far or out of state, but they are my best friends.    The bus might be OK. bring lots of toys or distractions, but I know you already do this.   also let the nurse know about the car trouble and how much it means to you to have her.   

Ela .)

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)