How do you explain to people about outings??
I'm ran into an issue that I never really thought would happen, and I need some advice... But to understand completely, its going to need a little "lead up" I guess.
I am a single mom and both of my kids are on the spectrum. They are aged 7 and 4. Their dad now lives in another country (on another continent) and don't see the girls very much. He does have an older son that lives here though, the girls' half-brother. Their brother is 20 I think.. he hasn't been around much either and I only really got to see him in his "unruly teen years".
Their brother has apparently decided that he's missing out on time with the girls and has come to see them this Christmas and messages me once every few months to ask how they are.
Today though, the message asked "Is there a day that I can take the girls out to a movie".
My heart froze. I actually stopped breathing for a second.
There is nothing more that I would love than for them to spend time together and get to know eachother, but I know that he doesn't understand they he just can't take them out to a movie. I can't even take them out to a movie! Winnie has been to a movie theater once, during a "sensory friendly showing" and she loved it. Maggie has never been to a movie and it would be overwhelming for her. A regular movie would likely be very overwhelming for Winnie. That's on their own! I don't even take them to the grocery store together when I'm by myself...
So I guess what I'm looking for is suggestions and advice on how to not make him back away from spending time with them... but to get him to understand that he can't take them by himself.. and its not that I don't trust him its about the safety of the girls because of their safety and sensory issues when out and about.
I'm really scared that he will back out of spending time with them because he didn't get to the thing he wanted - his dad was the same way and never understood that it wasn't because I didn't want him to see them, but that the girls couldn't handle a large outing that he had planned for them.
Help?! Suggestions?! Am I crazy?!
yes you are crazy,,,i say that about myself all the time and i'm okay with it. maybe you could start by allowing him to take one of them and see how it goes. explain to him that you will have to select the movie and any other safety feature you may want in place...like you go also...the first time. keep their best interests in mind but try and make this work for them...however that may be....be innovative, open-minded and totally go with it! this is a good thing for you and them....i know its hard...but try to embrace it...and be patient! he will understand...even tho he's a young man. god bless
I think you should encourage him, but also go along and make sure things go smoothly and get to know him a little better. Maybe a trip for ice cream or to a park would be a good place to start. I think it's awesome that he wants to get to know your kids better.
I would say that you are reacting very "normally." I would also say that it seems as if he just wants to spend time with them, not set on a movie. You could talk to him about things they enjoy doing, park, ice cream.... whatever it is. I would also say that your girls should probably get used to him first, so encourage him to stop by to visit them so they get used to him.
I hope this works out. I admire you for raising your girls on your own, it really is difficult I'm sure. I will also say that their brother can give them that "male" love that all kids need. He may even come up with things for them to do together that you would never have thought of.... sports, etc.
Good luck.
GL
Pick up the phone and call him. This kind of thing can be miscommunicated in a text message.
Give him some options (and explain WHY): Take one girl at a time to the movie. Let him know how to handle certain situations, and let him know he may have to leave early. Trust is a big thing here.
Have him choose another activity, or have him spend time with them at your home. Dinner, lunch date, whatever. Or get them on the phone with each other and let them decide together.
I realize your girls have sensory issues but it DOES seem like you're making it hard for him to see them.
Think of something they can do with him if the movie is not a good idea. Explain about the movie or have him take them to a sensory movie. I think he should come over and spend time with them first before he takes them off. The first time he takes them somewhere, you should go. Even though we dance around the issue are children have a disabiliy and the challenges usually gets worse in public when not in a routine. He needs to be trained on how to handle the things that could come up because of this. I wouldn't let any member of my family take them off with out me until I felt they could handle the worst. I always hope for the best and plan for the worst.
He is 20 and that is usually not a mature age for a boy/man. He probably doesn't understand the extent of what autism means/ could mean in a public setting. There are times all of us mom have a hard time handling meltdowns and running issues and we are the experts.
You have every right to be careful. Try to find a compromise. If he is sincere then he will work with you to find one.
Thanks for your replies everyone!
I contacted him again and reminded him of their sensory issues and that taking both may be a struggle. I suggested that he only take one, the oldest, because she has been to a movie before and can be prepared on what to expect. He agreed and seemed very reasonable. He asked me to pick a movie and I checked for kids movies and there aren't any playing here!
My plan now is to invite him either over to play with them, or out on a small outing with us. I'm excited that he wants to see them, and don't want to come off that I don't want him around, but at the same time, I have to look out for my kids' wellbeing. I'm really hoping we'll be able to work together on this, because my girls really liked seeing him when they were babies.
Thanks again for all your input and support.
good books for a boy with aspergers to help him understand puberty and his changing body
- odie_driver
on Feb. 25, 2012 at 8:54 AM