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Maybe some suggestions ??

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 5:29 PM
  • 7 Replies


  So I will try very hard to keep this short , Thank you everyone for reading this and maybe helping me out with some advice , My Husband is a great guy , but I think this gets old for him. My twin step daughters are going to be 5 May 9th. They are starting Kindergarten this year. 1 of them is Autistic and the other is very delayed , maybe even High Functioning. In January my Husband took there mom to court for sole custody and won , But before that they had already lived with us full time for the last year , they had joint, And I have stayed home and raised them since. I have a very good relationship with them and a bond and they know that I am not there mom and they do know the difference. His decision to seek full custody was based on a few very important things .. such as... Both girls attend ESD , but on the moms parenting days they would miss school , at the age of 3 neither girls were bottle broke or potty trained , at the moms house 2 nights a week they slept in cribs , at the age of 3! The mom doesn't seem to understand the Autism , or maybe she is in denial , there is no sort of co-parenting. The mom was given a referral by the pediatrician for the twins on there 2nd birthdays for early intervention  ,I met my husband at the end of January , shortly before the girls 3rd birthday , when I had asked my husband about the girls not talking and not being bottle broke (obvious delays) he had said that they are fine and delays in twins are normal and that they had been given a referral for some specialists but his soon to be ex wife kept canceling the appts. So after some pushing on my part he fought with the ex wife and kept the appt. and after a month came the Autistic dx for 1 and some speech therapy and OT for the other. My piont is , She sat on it for a year, instead of acting immediately. She has 2 older girls from her previous marriage and she is a RN in Labor and Delivery so she knew that something wasn't right. Another big factor for seeking full custody was that the mom's mother came to our house one day and was telling how she had a new boyfriend (the mom never told us the old boyfriend moved out) and she was leaving for days here and ther and leaving the twins with her teenage daughters and a few other things , and she asked my husband if he had thought about taking the girls full time. A few days after that the mom showed up around 6 30 am and gave him the girls and told him it was his turn to deal and she only wanted them for 2 days a week , for the first week we took turns calling in sick from work and exhausted our vacation time trying to find a day care that would take 3 yr olds that were not potty trained or bottle broke and had no verbal communication , but couldnt find any. So I quit my job to stay home with them . It has done amazing things for them , only transitioning 2 times a week and having the same routine. She see's the girls on the weekends now , fri til sunday , she cancled last weekend so she hasnt seen them in almost 2 weeks. Do you think she has called or texted to ask about them , No.  I know that I am not there mother and I respect the relationship between her and the twins , unfortunately The mom does not respect our relationship , I am aware of that and that isnt a problem ... right now. I know from experience that these girls are work and a full time responsibility so I can see where she is overwhelmed , But she only has them 2 days a week so she has the 5 day re coop. Routines and such are very important , if I ask her how she deals with certain things , I am not asking to be judgemental or a bitch , I'm asking for ideas and maybe even a little input from her, her reply.... great, everythings great , I dont have those problems Oh , and my personal favorite , Maybe they hate you. The real question is coming soon , But I feel all of this info is important to understand the situation , And ther is so much more , I could go on for days and days...but I won't. So yesterday I get a call from the Special Ed Dept to set up the appt for the girls Transition to Kindergarten and to put the IEP in place , and she tells me that she left my husband a voice mail and she also left one for the mom ..... OK..... here we go. So I say to her that if the mom can not make it ( she has a history of rescheduling then we have to reschedule and the end result is she doesnt show up anyway) we are not rescheduling , and that we have sole custody so it isnt necessary she be there , and the special ed person says that it is her right by law to be there ( now I am feeling like an ass cause I'm sure I sounded like I was trying to leave her out) So now I am having all of this anxiety because I know that if the mom comes it is going to be a disaster. I am not insecure with any of the relationships so I know that I am not being crazy or possessive. I just know the past and the history , The mom doesnt show too much interest on a regular day . Meetings in the past have been frustrating , I sit ther and listen and dont dare make suggestions or show any facial expressions , These meetings are supposed to be about the girls and how we as a team can help them to thrive and function , and I feel that I spend most of the time with the girls and implement the strict routines and rules and do all of the therapy with them ... So is it fair to them to go to another meeting , The meeting , The meeting that is going to be the IEP for the year , the meeting that is to discuss how we are going to handle the changes to come , the transition , and just sit there and listen , To sit there and be afraid to say anything for fear that I may upset the mom and cause some crazy scene that may indeed make me look like I am just a crazy bitch. These people have no idea what the history for the last 2 years have been and I never say anything negative or put her down as there mom .I am very fortunate because my ex husband and I have a great co-parenting relationship and I get along great with his wife , we all know what is going on with our boys (they are 14, 16 and 18). I have tried to have this with the girl's mom  but she has told me that we are not friends and I am nothing more than daycare and I should get a job and stop mooching off of my husband. So ... exactly how am I supposed to handle this ?? Please be honest , If i'm over stepping or being paranoid or crazy please tell me. Thanks again . Sorry my spelling and grammer is lousy.

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 5:29 PM
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Replies (1-7):
newmommy430
by Silver Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 5:50 PM
Sorry that the husband's ex is like that. All you really can do is bite your tongue and try to remain civil. If she acts crazy and you keep your composure then she is going to look foolish, not you. As long as she isn't abusing them then there is not much you can do.

For the meeting, give your input. If she doesn't agree she'll speak up, but don't argue with her. Let her make herself look bad.

Write down any concerns you have or things you want to discuss so you don't forget. If she's there you might get flustered and forget something.
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myfirstborn04
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 5:52 PM
((Hugs))
I totally understand your frustration and need for advise. It sounds like you are an amazing step mother to these little girls. It realy saddens me to hear a mother could ever give up on her children. She sounds realy selfish and jealous. I can't believe she is a RN in labor and delivery and she ignored her girls delays and issues. So much could have been done to help them. Early intervention is key with SN children. I'm a mother of four boys. Its very stressful dealing with their issues. There is so many dr appointments to go to, Im always on the go. Melt Downs are a constant. I haf to quit my job to stay home and raise my boys. I would never give up on my boys. You are pretty awesome for staying home and giving these girls structure and consistency. Bless you, and best wishes on the meeting.
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kajira
by Emma on Apr. 25, 2012 at 6:12 PM

I am so sorry. :(

all I can say, is get your husband on board for sticking up for his daughters the way they deserve, and that includes speakiing to these people on behalf of his children... and explaining the situation with his exwife. it would sound better coming from him.


Amhill09
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 6:15 PM
Wow!!! This mom sounds like she shouldnt be involved at all to be honest! I am 23 and I have a 6 yr old, 2yr old w/ autism and a 4month old plus a job and I never EVER cancel appointments or speech for my son. The girls are very lucky to have someone like u on their life. If I were I I would tell my husband how I feel and go to that appointment with ur head up and say how u feel without adding any negatives. Someone has to be they voice and that voice can be urs. It doesn't matter that ur not their mom u do everything a mom does. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't let others bring u down bc it sounds like ur doin what u have to
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Austinsmom4544
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 6:15 PM

The IEP meeting is for the girls and whats best for them.  I think you should be civil and voice your concerns.  It sounds like you are spending the most time with them your input is critical.  It is necessary for their mom to be there she's part of their life too, but if she doesn't show don't worry about it, its out of your control. Sounds like your husband and you can handle it.  Good luck and wishing you no drama :)


momtoscott
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 6:18 PM
1 mom liked this

 I think you are in a very tough situation, and it's too bad that the mom is in so much denial.  Usually it's dads in denial around here, but sometimes I know the moms can be, too. 

 The problem is that she is probably being more difficult simply because you are in the picture.  Although it is her right to be at the IEP meeting, she is not required to be there.  I think you'll have to play it by ear: if she shows up, you will need to be very quiet and try to let your husband (who should be there for such an important meeting) take charge of your family's side of the interaction.  If she doesn't, you can participate the way you would like. 

It's not fair to you, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your children, but there is a lot of emotion involved in this, and even insisting on common courtesy may be perceived as an insult.  It's probably best to keep the peace as much as you can while she's in the same room, even if it means hiding your feelings. 

mommypower73
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 7:25 PM


  Thank You every one for the support and the positive , it really helps. My husband is very involved with the girls , But he does work 2 pm til 10 30 and with our Autistic one , as you all know ...sleeping at night can be a challenge. So most nights he gets home and unwinds , goes to bed around midnight and we are woke up around 2 am , He usually gets up with her and then I get up around 5 and relieve him. Just about the time she goes back to sleep her sister wakes up. He does defend me to her but he also believes that she just says stuff to upset me and to make me feel like I am less than , and engaging with her only makes it worse . My husband is at work on Friday , I meet her by myself , but I do record the whole exchange , sometimes I tell her and sometimes I dont. (  she has called the cops so much with unfounded reports , she has been trespassed from our house by the county DA We have to meet at McDonalds) .Usually before these meetings we discuss everything that needs to be brought up , and because I do most of the picking up from schools and stuff , I have all of the daily concerns in mind , and we go over them and that way I dont have to say much at the meetings. My husband tells me every couple of days how great I am with the girls and how he appreciates me cause he couldnt raise them with out me , He cant even begin to think of where they'd be with out me. We are a team .... and I think sometimes it drives her crazy.

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