Normally, I consider myself a good writer, but when it comes to describing my son, I just cannot find the correct way of putting him into words. I honestly feel like that is causing the huge meltdown/ shutdown that I am feeling right now.
This week has been a true nightmare in my world! Instead of making progress, Stephen is having one of those weeks where his issues have completely taken over. I look at him and don't even see my child! He has physically hurt me over and over this week, looked straight into my husband and my face with clenched teeth and screamed over and over, we can't get him to cooperate with anything at all, his impatience has trippled, he is constantly hurting our little dog, he is staying in trouble at school, refusing to do homework, and I could go on and on.
This type of week really gets me thinking about his various stages that he goes through. How can he be so incredible for a day, sometimes even a week, and then something triggers this behavior and he cannot transition back on his own. When I calmly explain to him the reasoning behind his discipline, his face is totally blank, he gets right back up, and continues in these harmful behaviors.
We are four weeks away from the last day of school. I am so scared he is going to be held back in kindergarten. That is fine if he needs this academically, but what will this do to him emotionally? Seeing all of his classmates move on, and him not being able to? This happened to him for three years in Pre-K, because he just wasn't ready to move, but at that time, he was too young to notice. He will absolutely know this year!
Because he doesn't have an official dx (we are still on what appears to be a ginormous waiting list), the school tested him and says he doesn't need an IEP, but something just isn't clicking with him. Something isn't the right fit for him. I absolutely LOVE his teachers (two teachers and an aid), but I am afraid because of no dx that they think he is just some type of mean kid. I swear, that is not the case. He is kind, loving, and has the knowledge to do his work, But with Stephen, it is all on HIS time, and not anyone else's, and when he has this type of day or week, or however long it lasts, sometimes it is not at all!
And then when I get an email back from his main teacher saying that Stephen can do the work as long as someone stands by him, and she says that he is completely capable of doing his work, I have to ask myself if it has been me all along setting too high of standards for him. Should I remember that he is only six years old? The problem with that is he is my only child, and I really don't TRULY know what levels a six year old should be on.
Oh my gosh, I swear I could just scream and cry! I just talked to my husband and told him that I honestly need a therapist for myself! He is perfectly fine with that, because although he does not "get" Stephen's condition, and has limited patience with him, he knows that I am basically Stephen's sole care giver, and if I lose it completely, he will have to step up. Sad but true.
Thanks for reading, I just really needed to get this off my chest before it exploded!
Stephensmom0629 aka Robin