Read my post? You may save my life today, literally. Please?
This looks like a wonderful site which would make all of you wonderful women.....holding it together!
I'm going to tell you my dirty secrets.....so shameful but I love my children too much to not try one last time to save their Mom.
Me, ten years ago: Close to forty's Mom with 3 children, 1 with mental health issues. I gratuated twice, two seperated degrees at the top of my class....while being a Mom. Driven, succesful in anything I touched. Busy busy busy and thrived on that! Did my best work under pressure! Loving, patient, generous. Heart of Gold. The BEST Mom I could be and I was pretty impressive then!
Me today: Mom close to fifty with 5 children. 1 with multiple mental health issues that leave him dependant on others for survival. Takes his medication and is doing far better now than five years ago.
Mom of twin boys both with Autism. One mostly social, the other severely Autistic. Bless his heart, he cannot speak or use a toliet. Both happy boys, age ten. BOTH HAPPY BOYS!! THats been my number ONE wish/.demand for the past ten years.....and they are happy!!
Me: I have left the house less than seven times in eight months. I have nowhere to go should I get it together to leave. Have no family but was raised with over 50 that spoke weekly. Have one friend a state away. Seems stay at home Moms dont make friends as easily as ones who work. Or that was my experience?
People are uncomfortable around my non-verbal beautiful boy, he is soo handsome really. I've heard the word, "weird" more than countless times. About your own baby brother, REALLY?? Your nephew??
For years I told myself and my sons it was their loss and it is. But my boys deserve a family, an extended family. Especialy with such a robotic excuse for a Mom. My boys hear me tell them I love them hourly, and I do.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND!~~! I AM NOT ALONE AND LOST BECAUSE OF MY SONS DISABILITES, QUITE THE OPPOSITE....IF NOT FOR THEM, I WOULD HAVE CHECKED OUT YEARS AGO! It is only because of them that I wish to try to help myself because they deserve and should have the best Mom I can be. I am alive because of my children.
I got this computer 3 months ago and have not taken it out of the box until last week. My DESIRE to live is gone. I am a bit obsessive about cleanliness and always have been but now I keep myself tidy with body wipes, can seem to get enough 'umph' to get in a SHOWER!! What is that??
Honestly, if you knew me, you would love me. The me before I couldnt care about myself anymore I mean. I am good to people. People I love and even complete strangers. Im one of those people who stop and make someone smile who is having a bad day, to compliment someone who looks like they may not get many, to share whatever I have if that will make another happy.....I am a good person with no one (except my angels of course!) to make happy anymore.
I still feel I cannot take my life because my sons need me. THE FACT THAT I AM TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE THIS MORE BEARABLE (this being my life) should terrify me. The day to day, minute to minute, should terrify me. I AM ASHAMED OF WHO THIS WOMAN WOULD APPEAR TO BE.
I was sexually and phsically attacked last summer and sought help as it was my 2nd time as adult and I wanted to be sure something like THIS wouldnt happen. My fear of leaving the house has also turned into no desire to leave or REASON to!
Yes, I need counseling but it seems so far gone for that right now!
Anyone have any place to send me? (online support or something?) Any ideas? Similar experiences?
I've rambled. I dont cry, I feel like a shell of who I was once. When I look at this analytically, I realize I should be petrified! If I can get here, where will I be in six months. I'm afraid this other person will lead me to another place I never thought I'd be........and from there my sons might be alone.
Please help me. Pretend like my sons are YOUR nephews!!