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Read my post? You may save my life today, literally. Please?

Posted by on May. 3, 2012 at 12:43 PM
  • 45 Replies

This looks like a wonderful site which would make all of you wonderful women.....holding it together!

I'm going to tell you my dirty shameful but I love my children too much to not try one last time to save their Mom.

Me, ten years ago:  Close to forty's Mom with 3 children, 1 with mental health issues. I gratuated twice, two seperated degrees at the top of my class....while being a Mom. Driven, succesful in anything I touched. Busy busy busy and thrived on that! Did my best work under pressure! Loving, patient, generous. Heart of Gold. The BEST Mom I could be and I was pretty impressive then!

Me today: Mom close to fifty with 5 children. 1 with multiple mental health issues that leave him dependant on others for survival. Takes his medication and is doing far better now than five years ago.

                Mom of twin boys both with Autism. One mostly social, the other severely Autistic. Bless his heart, he cannot speak or use a toliet. Both happy boys, age ten. BOTH HAPPY BOYS!! THats been my number ONE wish/.demand for the past ten years.....and they are happy!!

Me: I have left the house less than seven times in eight months. I have nowhere to go should I get it together to leave. Have no family but was raised with over 50 that spoke weekly. Have one friend a state away. Seems stay at home Moms dont make friends as easily as ones who work. Or that was my experience?

People are uncomfortable around my non-verbal beautiful boy, he is soo handsome really. I've heard the word, "weird" more than countless times. About your own baby brother, REALLY?? Your nephew??

For years I told myself and my sons it was their loss and it is. But my boys deserve a family, an extended family. Especialy with such a robotic excuse for a Mom. My boys hear me tell them I love them hourly, and I do.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND!~~! I AM NOT ALONE AND LOST BECAUSE OF MY SONS DISABILITES, QUITE THE OPPOSITE....IF NOT FOR THEM, I WOULD HAVE CHECKED OUT YEARS AGO! It is only because of them that I wish to try to help myself because they deserve and should have the best Mom I can be. I am alive because of my children.

I got this computer 3 months ago and have not taken it out of the box until last week. My DESIRE to live is gone. I am a bit obsessive about cleanliness and always have been but now I keep myself tidy with body wipes, can seem to get enough 'umph' to get in a SHOWER!! What is that??

Honestly, if you knew me, you would love me. The me before I couldnt care about myself anymore I mean. I am good to people. People I love and even complete strangers. Im one of those people who stop and make someone smile who is having a bad day, to compliment someone who looks like they may not get many, to share whatever I have if that will make another happy.....I am a good person with no one (except my angels of course!) to make happy anymore.

I still feel I cannot take my life because my sons need me. THE FACT THAT I AM TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE THIS MORE BEARABLE (this being my life) should terrify me. The day to day, minute to minute, should terrify me. I AM ASHAMED OF WHO THIS WOMAN WOULD APPEAR TO BE.

I was sexually and phsically attacked last summer and sought help as it was my 2nd time as adult and I wanted to be sure something like THIS wouldnt happen. My fear of leaving the house has also turned into no desire to leave or REASON to!

Yes, I need counseling but it seems so far gone for that right now! 

Anyone have any place to send me? (online support or something?) Any ideas? Similar experiences?

I've rambled. I dont cry, I feel like a shell of who I was once. When I look at this analytically, I realize I should be petrified! If I can get here, where will I be in six months. I'm afraid this other person will lead me to another place I never thought I'd be........and from there my sons might be alone.

Please help me. Pretend like my sons are YOUR nephews!!



by on May. 3, 2012 at 12:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Wendy on May. 3, 2012 at 12:49 PM
6 moms liked this

Jane you need help and here has alot of support but you need more then that.  Mkae an appointment with your DR or therapist, and get this figured out. If you need to go to the ER, when your children are in care or babysitting. Maybe you need meds for depression and they can help you. It seems like you should go to the ER right now.  We are here for you.  ((hugs))

by Emma on May. 3, 2012 at 12:50 PM
1 mom liked this
I am very sorry you are in this situation. Have you called your doctor and explained your situation? they can help you and direct you where you might have some resources available. You can also find groups for your children with other mom's who have kids like yours - that might help your social activity level - get you out of the house AND give you someone to talk too who understands and won't "treat" you and your kids horribly.
by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:04 PM
Welcome and you are awesome for reaching out for help. We are here online to listen and supper you. You are a wonderful mother. It is your love and devotion to your kids that proves you ate worth living and getting your life back in order. I know this is a very hard time for you. You need to contact your Dr. If you don't have one go to the er. It will be hard but you have to be strong. There is help out there you just have to go out and accept it. I wish you the best and will be praying for you.
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by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:49 PM

Jane you are already one strong lady to reach out for help!  First, please do not wait to get help for yourself call your doctor now.  Sounds like you need some counseling, it is never too late.  Will keep you and your children in my prayers and hope you find some help.  We're here for you :)

by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:53 PM
3 moms liked this

I am going to talk to you as if you were my sister just as you suggested.  You need to call the doctor right now and make an appointment for tomorrow.  You need to tell them you must see him.  Then tonight you need to take a shower and lay your clothes out for the next day.  Have everything lined up to go so there is no excuse you can come up with not to go.   Tomorrow you will try to think of a million reason why you can put of going - DON'T.  You go so you will be able to take care of your boys.  If you are gone they will go in foster care and who knows what will happen.

I have twin autistic boys too.  I also have an older boy on the spectrum.  I know how hard it can be some days.  You are depressed and I promise if you get on medication every day will be easier.  You will find your joy again.  You will want to go places and do things.  You won't be tired all the time.  You will feel good about yourself again.

Tomorrow go to the doctor tell him you are depressed. Tell him you need medication now. Tell him to refer you to a therapist.


by Julie on May. 3, 2012 at 2:12 PM
1 mom liked this

Jane - it's been almost 90 minutes since you posted your plea. We hear you and support you. Have you called the doctor yet? Let us know when you do, and when your appt. is. We care...

by on May. 3, 2012 at 2:14 PM

((hugs))  You are a strong woman and great mother for coming here and asking for help.  I would call and make an appointment with a psychologist as soon as possible.  If you are not comfortable with that, please call your physician.  They can help you through this and figure out why you are feeling the way that you do.  There are medications out there that can help you enjoy life again.  You won't be afraid to leave the house or feel tired all of the time.  You CAN do this!!!  If you ever need anyone to talk to, the ladies in this group are great listeners.  You can also send me a private message if you need someone.  ((hugs))

by on May. 3, 2012 at 2:29 PM

You are very strong for reaching out like this.  Please call your doctor or go to the ER.  I'm praying for you.  

by Sara on May. 3, 2012 at 3:19 PM

(hugs) You can do this!

by on May. 3, 2012 at 3:41 PM

I am with the moms above me. We are great for support and love but you need more than what we can give. I hope and pray for the best and please keep us all posted. Many of us have been there, are there, will be there eventually. You are not alone, but please go get help.

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