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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Cryin my eyes out..

Posted by on May. 11, 2012 at 8:24 PM
  • 56 Replies
I feel like a terrible mother.

No matter what I do to make my kids happy, it never works.
They scream & cry ALL day everyday. I've had it.

Bryley is my ASD child. He's 3.5. He hates his little sister. He won't play with her or give her affection back when she gives it.
When she cries he SCREAMS and flops and hurts himself, hurts me, breaks toys... Etc..
And my daughter who will be two next month... Is a whiner. All day. Everyday. Whine cry whine scream cry whine whine whine whine scream.
Soooooo all I hear all day long is screaming!

Everything in my house is broken or ruined. My house is super super kid proofed too so it's bad.
My his week so far- Bryley has painted with his poop, he was suppose to be napping/watching a movie. He wasn't making any noise at all do I figured he was sleeping. When he's not he's banging and jumping around and it's obvious he's awake.
Well I went in to check on him and there was poop ALL over. It took two hours of scrubbing to clean it up. This isn't the first time but it's been months. We invested in a shampooer and I thought it was past us. I was wrong!
He's also been spitting again. Something else I thought we were over, it's been weeks since he's done that. Their carpet is totally ruined. And NASTY. To amount of scrubbing or cleaners helps. He ruined his gorgeous solid wood toy box. It was one of the first gifts my husband ever got him. Hand made btw and the old man who made it past away a moth before our daughter was Born. It wasn't cheap. I didn't expect it to be ruined--- or spit on. And when I say spit I mean, he takes his cup and spits all over everything. He had a cup of apple juice/water in the car home from OT and I thought it was gone, he was carrying the cup..... Yeah I was wrong. Everything is sticky and disgusting.

I'm just.. Angry and sad.

I seriously feel like my kids hate me.

I'm a sahm and DH works WAY too much, he's rarely here. We dont have family in this state. I have noone.
I'm waiting on human services to update me so I can get some help but just like everythjng else ASD related its taken FOREVER.

Idk why he is regressing back to all this behavior. Idk why my dd thinks she needs to scream 24/7 and idk how to get either of them to stop. I've had it. Like... If I had it in me to leave them.. I'd go. Terrible I know :( but I can't do this!

Idk what to do.

Sigh. Sorry. I needed to vent to moms who understand and don't judge me or say crappy things about parenting him..
No one gets it.

What do I do?
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by on May. 11, 2012 at 8:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jax3
by on May. 11, 2012 at 8:44 PM

Hi...Been there done all that.  My kids are older now so theyve gotten over a lot of that stuff.  I can honestly say it does get better.  the screaming?  Ummm, got an mp3 player?  Plug it in and listen to it.  Thats what I did.  I had it just loud enough to drown out some of the whining but not too loud that I couldnt hear something that really needed to be heard.  
And, Girl, just let some of it go!  Yes, clean up the poop, but let some of the mess go.  We all have messy houses!  I do! Forget about it! 

AngelBaby415
by on May. 11, 2012 at 8:44 PM

Wow I really dont know what to say. I had to look up ASD and after reading it I really feel bad for you. Theres really not much you can do about your son because he has a problem thats not his fault or yours. I can imagine its frustrating as hell and before I read what ASD was the first thing I thought was "she needs to whip his ass" which wont do much good for him because he has a serious condition. Now your daughter is probably doing what she does because she is either:

A: following behind his behavior and sees that he gets attention when he acts out so she is doing it too...

B: is feeling some kind of way because of the way he acts and is trying to get comfort from you and since she is only 2 she really doesnt know how to handle her emotions so she cries and whines...

C: both!

Im going to go with both here. Im no psychologist or anything but I've been around kids all my life. It sucks that your husband is working all those crazy hours and leaving you to deal with all that shit by yourself, but can you blame him? If you had the option to work all day and leave him with the kids Im sure you would. Im not defending his actions cuz I honestly think what he's doing sucks but I can definitely understand why he's doing it. Maybe you shoould tell him how you feel and how its affecting you and your relationship with the kids. The last thing he is gonna want is for you to snap one day and hurt one of them. Honey you need a break. Is there anyone you can send at least one of them to so you can have some time to yourself? No friends or family willing to take them for a weekend? Hell even one night? You really need a break cuz this is beyond just normal "Mommy needs a break" shit. Honey, talk to your husband and let him know you need a damn break and youre gonna go to a hotel or friend's house or somewhere BY YOURSELF for a weekend if you cant find someone to take them. Maybe you can compromise by leaving your son with him and you and your daughter go away. That will give you some time to bond with her.

Also I know you want to make your kids happy but if youre not happy theyre not gonna be happy either. Kids sense when their parents arent well and it affects them in some serious ways. This may also be why your daughter is the way she is. She knows you arent happy and so she isnt happy. unfortunately at 2 she cant really tell you how she feels. Aside from that, do not do that parenting thing where youre trying to be their friend. You arent their friend, youre their mother. They arent going to be happy all the time because theres stuff youre going to have to put your foot down about. Painting with poop? Im sorry, ASD or not I wouldve beat his ass. 

Like I said, Im no expert in this area but from one mom to another, YOU NEED A DAMN BREAK! My daughter is a perfectly healthy and normal 11 month old and even I need a break at times. I drive her 4 hours every month from NYC to MD where her Godmother keeps her for a week. I dont do anything but go to work and come home, but when I come home I come home to quiet, no diapers, no bottles, no middle of the night madness, no crying, no jumping, no nothing! Just home where I can worry about nothing but what Im eating for dinner, watching on tv, and going the eff to bed. I wish you lived in NYC or anywhere close cuz I'd bring you a drink and some weed (trust me you need it) and just let you vent and cry or whatever. As a matter of fact friend me. You need a friend right now.

Carola75
by on May. 11, 2012 at 8:55 PM
I could have written that post last year!!! I am exhausted! My daughter, 3, was up last night past midnight, til almost 1. My son is 4.5 and woke up at 120 and was up til 415! Then my daughter woke up for the day shortly after 5. Yes, this has nothing to do with what you posted, but I have been through pretty much everything you said and still do! I just wanted to let you know you're not alone! I am also a SAHM, but my husband left me when the kids were 2.5 and 1. My daughter was the same as yours. Constantly crying and whining! I since have her on meds. The developmental Ped diagnosed her with depression, anxiety, odd, adhd, ocd, and spd. My son is also on Meds. He has all the same, but is ASD as well. I think my daughter will eventually also be diagnosed on the spectrum. I see it, the doctor isn't entirely convinced yet. But my kids have trashed my house, carpet, blinds, etc. Things are definitely better since they have been on Meds. My daughter needs some serious behavioral therapy, but can't get that til she is diagnosed on the spectrum for it to be covered. I just really know how you feel! I have been there! I love my children. There are days that I don't like them very much, though. I also have days that I want to give up! But then they do or say something that completely melts my heart! Being their mother is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding! Yes, there are days that I just don't see it! Funny, I got on here to tell you I understood and that I would write more tomorrow or later, but I got carried away! I feel your pain and frustration!
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MommyRJ
by on May. 11, 2012 at 9:02 PM
Lol thanks.
I really don't think my daughter has anything really going on. She doesn't seem that way anyways. I'm not a doctor so who knows.

I go back & forth with the meds option for DS too. I just don't know.

It's so hard tho. I feel like a awful parent. I never thought I'd be a teller but I am now. I try so hard to stay calm and get thru the day. But it never happens. I have barely any patience.

Anyways. I'm glad to know I have a place to talk to women who understand and have been there.


Quoting Carola75:

I could have written that post last year!!! I am exhausted! My daughter, 3, was up last night past midnight, til almost 1. My son is 4.5 and woke up at 120 and was up til 415! Then my daughter woke up for the day shortly after 5. Yes, this has nothing to do with what you posted, but I have been through pretty much everything you said and still do! I just wanted to let you know you're not alone! I am also a SAHM, but my husband left me when the kids were 2.5 and 1. My daughter was the same as yours. Constantly crying and whining! I since have her on meds. The developmental Ped diagnosed her with depression, anxiety, odd, adhd, ocd, and spd. My son is also on Meds. He has all the same, but is ASD as well. I think my daughter will eventually also be diagnosed on the spectrum. I see it, the doctor isn't entirely convinced yet. But my kids have trashed my house, carpet, blinds, etc. Things are definitely better since they have been on Meds. My daughter needs some serious behavioral therapy, but can't get that til she is diagnosed on the spectrum for it to be covered. I just really know how you feel! I have been there! I love my children. There are days that I don't like them very much, though. I also have days that I want to give up! But then they do or say something that completely melts my heart! Being their mother is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding! Yes, there are days that I just don't see it! Funny, I got on here to tell you I understood and that I would write more tomorrow or later, but I got carried away! I feel your pain and frustration!
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Carola75
by on May. 11, 2012 at 9:03 PM
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Oh, and you aren't a terrible mother! You are a great (burnt out) mother! I keep meaning to put my kids in respite care at least once a month, but I end up not doing it. Having 5 hours to myself sounds really nice!! Maybe there is respite care where you are. I have never used it, but it is good to know it is there for when I do need it!
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MommyRJ
by on May. 11, 2012 at 9:07 PM
Yeah we signed him up with human services and are still waiting for his assigned case manager so we can set it up. With is being rural they said itd be depending on anyone willing to drive here but they'd come to the house. It makes me nervous tho. My kids are NEVER in anyone's Care but mine. And I never relax when I do occasionally find a sitter.

Idk :(


Quoting Carola75:

Oh, and you aren't a terrible mother! You are a great (burnt out) mother! I keep meaning to put my kids in respite care at least once a month, but I end up not doing it. Having 5 hours to myself sounds really nice!! Maybe there is respite care where you are. I have never used it, but it is good to know it is there for when I do need it!
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ash522
by on May. 11, 2012 at 9:13 PM
I won't judge you, I understand, & I TOTALLY get it! I'm dealing with RAD, ADHD, ODD, & ASD tendencies. It's tough! I almost left once, nobody realizes how close I was to just walking away from it all. A person can only handle so much. Have you ever been to a therapist or counselor? I started to go to a couselor. Technically it's for my son, we brainstorm on new ways to deal with behaviors, etc.. DS regressed really bad a few weeks ago & my counselor helped me work through it. I talk, he listens. Sometimes I just need to get it out. So although I'm going to help learn about how to deal with my DS's behaviors, it's also helping me. I leave every week feeling like a load of bricks has been taken off my shoulders. My DH is only home a couple of days a week due to his job so I have to do this all by myself. And since we don't really see eachother all that much I don't want to spend what precious time we do have completely exasperated & only talking about all the crappy stuff that happened all week. It has really helped. My son has secondary MA & it covers it all. I can see if you didn't have insurance how it would be hard to afford. I got in contact with this service through our county DHS office. Hang in there! ((hugs))
ROGUEM
by on May. 11, 2012 at 9:14 PM
1 mom liked this


When I read your post it takes me back to when the twins were 3-4 yrs old.  It was so unbelievably hard.  Many a night I would fall into bed and cry because it was emotionally and physically tiring. I would doubt myself alot.

A woman in my support group who had a teenager with autism told me that those were the hard years and it would get easier. I remember thinking, "Lady- you better be right" That became my mantra ...It will be better soon....it will be better soon.  I just took it day by day.  Some days I felt like I could do it and others like I was just hanging by a thread.  I remember after a particularly hard day thinking that damn woman better be right because things didn't seem to get easier.  Around age 5 they did get a lot better almost overnight and by 6 it was really manageable.  Now my life is relatively calm and routine. So the woman was right...thank God! 

So I guess I am saying to you like she said to me.  "These years are very hard, but it will get easier soon!  You just gotta make it through this however you can."

Sometimes when I read posts from you ladies who have young children it really takes me back in time and I think about how hard it really is and how I sometimes don't know how I did it.  I am sure it was only through a lot of prayer and coffee :)

Hugs honey...I am so sorry.  I wish I lived close to you because I would watch your children for you so you could have a well deserved break.  

There is a country song that goes "when you are going through Hell, you just keep going".  I think that is what you have to do right now.  You will make it through this and in a couple of years you will be righting a post like this to a mom who is going through exactly what you are.

HUGS my friend.

Carola75
by on May. 11, 2012 at 9:15 PM
I thought about the med option for a while. I definitely don't regret it! My son was put on a mood stabilizer first. That changed our lives! It didn't stop all the behaviors, but helped him immensely! I was able to walk in a store with him, not having a meltdown or screaming in the cart for the first time ever! He even stood next to me holding my hand in line at the pharmacy at Walmart that week! It was like a dream! He is now also on an antianxiety med that helps him with his obsessiveness and anxiety and something for adhd for his impulsivity and hyperactivity. He is far from perfect, which obviously no one is, but has made great strides in therapies and school because he is in a better state of mind. I know everyone has their opinions on medicating so young. But each Mom has to do what they think is best for their situation and this was best for mine. I am also on an antidepressant/antianxiety med. It doesn't solve my problems (so wish it did!), but it definitely helps!


Quoting MommyRJ:

Lol thanks.

I really don't think my daughter has anything really going on. She doesn't seem that way anyways. I'm not a doctor so who knows.



I go back & forth with the meds option for DS too. I just don't know.



It's so hard tho. I feel like a awful parent. I never thought I'd be a teller but I am now. I try so hard to stay calm and get thru the day. But it never happens. I have barely any patience.



Anyways. I'm glad to know I have a place to talk to women who understand and have been there.




Quoting Carola75:

I could have written that post last year!!! I am exhausted! My daughter, 3, was up last night past midnight, til almost 1. My son is 4.5 and woke up at 120 and was up til 415! Then my daughter woke up for the day shortly after 5. Yes, this has nothing to do with what you posted, but I have been through pretty much everything you said and still do! I just wanted to let you know you're not alone! I am also a SAHM, but my husband left me when the kids were 2.5 and 1. My daughter was the same as yours. Constantly crying and whining! I since have her on meds. The developmental Ped diagnosed her with depression, anxiety, odd, adhd, ocd, and spd. My son is also on Meds. He has all the same, but is ASD as well. I think my daughter will eventually also be diagnosed on the spectrum. I see it, the doctor isn't entirely convinced yet. But my kids have trashed my house, carpet, blinds, etc. Things are definitely better since they have been on Meds. My daughter needs some serious behavioral therapy, but can't get that til she is diagnosed on the spectrum for it to be covered. I just really know how you feel! I have been there! I love my children. There are days that I don't like them very much, though. I also have days that I want to give up! But then they do or say something that completely melts my heart! Being their mother is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding! Yes, there are days that I just don't see it! Funny, I got on here to tell you I understood and that I would write more tomorrow or later, but I got carried away! I feel your pain and frustration!

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smarieljlee
by Sara on May. 11, 2012 at 9:22 PM

This. Been there (hugs)

Quoting ROGUEM:


When I read your post it takes me back to when the twins were 3-4 yrs old.  It was so unbelievably hard.  Many a night I would fall into bed and cry because it was emotionally and physically tiring. I would doubt myself alot.

A woman in my support group who had a teenager with autism told me that those were the hard years and it would get easier. I remember thinking, "Lady- you better be right" That became my mantra ...It will be better soon....it will be better soon.  I just took it day by day.  Some days I felt like I could do it and others like I was just hanging by a thread.  I remember after a particularly hard day thinking that damn woman better be right because things didn't seem to get easier.  Around age 5 they did get a lot better almost overnight and by 6 it was really manageable.  Now my life is relatively calm and routine. So the woman was right...thank God! 

So I guess I am saying to you like she said to me.  "These years are very hard, but it will get easier soon!  You just gotta make it through this however you can."

Sometimes when I read posts from you ladies who have young children it really takes me back in time and I think about how hard it really is and how I sometimes don't know how I did it.  I am sure it was only through a lot of prayer and coffee :)

Hugs honey...I am so sorry.  I wish I lived close to you because I would watch your children for you so you could have a well deserved break.  

There is a country song that goes "when you are going through Hell, you just keep going".  I think that is what you have to do right now.  You will make it through this and in a couple of years you will be righting a post like this to a mom who is going through exactly what you are.

HUGS my friend.


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