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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Child / Spouse both with Aspergers

Posted by on May. 24, 2012 at 1:04 PM
  • 15 Replies

My son will be 10 on Monday and was recently diagnosed with Aspergers.  It was actually a relief to finally have this diagnois because for years I've said he is "wired differently."  =)  He's a beautiful kid and very bright, but struggles with homework, anxiety and some social situations.  Through his evaluation, we also came to learn the my husband (35) also has Aspergers.  My husband and son have butted heads for years and now we finally know why, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Both have just started into therapy, but 10 years is really starting to take a toll on me.  

I am looking for other moms to connect with who may be in a similiar situation with child/spouse.  I also have a 7 year old daughter who my son isn't always nice to which I really struggle with because she is the sweetest, most caring kid you'll meet.  I know he's not trying to be mean to her, it's that she's pretty free spirited and not much of a rule follower, so he gets frustrated with her.  

I don't need a kumbaya type home, but some days the yelling and frustration is too much to handle.  Can anyone else relate?


by on May. 24, 2012 at 1:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amonkeymom
by Amy on May. 24, 2012 at 3:07 PM
1 mom liked this

welcome  I'm glad you found us.  

nicksmom217
by on May. 24, 2012 at 4:48 PM
1 mom liked this

  my son was dx at 9 years old, witch did answer  a lot of questions we had. it was a relief, but  a lot of emotional roller coaster to. with knowledge about our son, me and  my dh realize, that he has so many characteristics of asperger's. my dh struggles sometimes with how to raise are son and reactions to our son's behavior. my dh is very good by getting information trough me, witch is helpful for him to understand our son better, so he is really trying. for asperger's people, getting information and letting them digest that information is very important, so the more you will explain thing to your dh, the better father he will be. good luck. I am laura.

kajira
by Emma on May. 24, 2012 at 5:39 PM
2 moms liked this

My son and I are both in the process of being diagnosed together as well - only I did 18 years of therapy growing up and talk-therapy didn't really help me. so I went to college for psychology instead so I could learn to help myself.

So, I work on teaching my son those skills. we don't butt heads very much - but my husband who's normal and my son butt heads a lot. 

Also - we have a younger daughter too!

we don't yell - I make a point to walk away when I get frustrated and come back to it - my husband and I tag team during communication snafu's in order to make sure I can explain my son's point of view to my husband, and my husband can help me get the language out correctly, but i'm fairly nonverbal irl and have trouble speaking.

our daughter's adventerous, sweet, kind, and a handful in her own way.

our son is a lot like waht you describe - and wants to insist that everyone follows the rules - his rules and his interpretation of our rules... LOL it's a work in progress.

I don't have a lot to say in regards to some of the struggles you go through because I'm the one who's being diagnosed with my son instead of my husband.

And, I've had a lot of different therapies growing up because there "was" something wrong with me that didn't get properly diagnosed as a child... so we did all the meds, the therapies and nothing magically fixed me.

as an adult, I'm functional, but not because of any traditional therapies. I figured out how to kind of fix myself, ask for structure, routines and support to function at my highest, and learn to accept help.

I think it's easier for a girl in some ways to be autistic, because it tends to manifest a little differently. Girls seem more shy - while boys tend to act more aggressive... (just statistically)

pandora2624
by on May. 24, 2012 at 5:45 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to the board. My son is 11 years  old and got diagnosed with Asperger last year. It's not always easy with his sibbling either because he is a rule follower too and he plays only if it's his way. He is very moody with them and prefer to be alone. It's a constent struggle with my kids. My husband doesn't have asperger but is having ADD and it's hard too. If you have any questions...don't hesitate :)

Melanie

badgermom2012
by on May. 24, 2012 at 5:55 PM
3 moms liked this

Well, I"m undiagnosed aspergers and my son has autism.  I really am considering seeing a psychologist in the hopes of official DX for myself.  One thing I can say is people on the spectrum can't change certain aspects of themselves.  I think that's why I've lasted so long with my husband b/c he gave up trying to change me.  

kajira
by Emma on May. 24, 2012 at 5:58 PM
4 moms liked this

exactly - you learn to work *with* your wiring and quirks, you don't eradicate things that are inherent to your nature/wiring.

There's a huge difference there - you can change sometimes how they manifest, and how you cope with certain quirks and how they come out - but it doesn't make your wiring go away.

Quoting badgermom2012:

Well, I"m undiagnosed aspergers and my son has autism.  I really am considering seeing a psychologist in the hopes of official DX for myself.  One thing I can say is people on the spectrum can't change certain aspects of themselves.  I think that's why I've lasted so long with my husband b/c he gave up trying to change me.  


TWCkidsMom
by on May. 24, 2012 at 11:42 PM

Thanks for all the comments.  I must say, just finding this site and knowing that there are other people out there living with similiar issues helps make me feel not so alone.

TWCkidsMom
by on May. 24, 2012 at 11:48 PM
1 mom liked this

I WISH my husband could walk away!  We have a "rule" in my house (started by me) that is not only okay to walk away (and that you will be given your space), but that it is encouraged too!  The problem usually arises when my son gets frustrated and my husband perceives that as talking back... I feel like the movie Groundhog Day here sometimes.  LOL.

My husband's dad died when he was 5, so everyone attributed some of his behaviors to his dad's death at such a young age.  He's been in and out of therapy for 30 years and as he has said "got nothing from it" but it's hard to help someone when you don't know the root of the situation.  I realize we are all wired the way we are, but if we can work on negotiating and trying to see things from another point of view, I see that as HUGE progress.  If I can get my husband and son not to always butt heads, the yelling will be diminished which will help restore peace in our home.

Quoting kajira:

My son and I are both in the process of being diagnosed together as well - only I did 18 years of therapy growing up and talk-therapy didn't really help me. so I went to college for psychology instead so I could learn to help myself.

So, I work on teaching my son those skills. we don't butt heads very much - but my husband who's normal and my son butt heads a lot. 

Also - we have a younger daughter too!

we don't yell - I make a point to walk away when I get frustrated and come back to it - my husband and I tag team during communication snafu's in order to make sure I can explain my son's point of view to my husband, and my husband can help me get the language out correctly, but i'm fairly nonverbal irl and have trouble speaking.

our daughter's adventerous, sweet, kind, and a handful in her own way.

our son is a lot like waht you describe - and wants to insist that everyone follows the rules - his rules and his interpretation of our rules... LOL it's a work in progress.

I don't have a lot to say in regards to some of the struggles you go through because I'm the one who's being diagnosed with my son instead of my husband.

And, I've had a lot of different therapies growing up because there "was" something wrong with me that didn't get properly diagnosed as a child... so we did all the meds, the therapies and nothing magically fixed me.

as an adult, I'm functional, but not because of any traditional therapies. I figured out how to kind of fix myself, ask for structure, routines and support to function at my highest, and learn to accept help.

I think it's easier for a girl in some ways to be autistic, because it tends to manifest a little differently. Girls seem more shy - while boys tend to act more aggressive... (just statistically)


kajira
by Emma on May. 24, 2012 at 11:56 PM

we don't allow yelling. if anyone yells, we seperate for a time out temporarily. LOL that's my house rule. :P

Quoting TWCkidsMom:


I WISH my husband could walk away!  We have a "rule" in my house (started by me) that is not only okay to walk away (and that you will be given your space), but that it is encouraged too!  The problem usually arises when my son gets frustrated and my husband perceives that as talking back... I feel like the movie Groundhog Day here sometimes.  LOL.

My husband's dad died when he was 5, so everyone attributed some of his behaviors to his dad's death at such a young age.  He's been in and out of therapy for 30 years and as he has said "got nothing from it" but it's hard to help someone when you don't know the root of the situation.  I realize we are all wired the way we are, but if we can work on negotiating and trying to see things from another point of view, I see that as HUGE progress.  If I can get my husband and son not to always butt heads, the yelling will be diminished which will help restore peace in our home.

Quoting kajira:

My son and I are both in the process of being diagnosed together as well - only I did 18 years of therapy growing up and talk-therapy didn't really help me. so I went to college for psychology instead so I could learn to help myself.

So, I work on teaching my son those skills. we don't butt heads very much - but my husband who's normal and my son butt heads a lot. 

Also - we have a younger daughter too!

we don't yell - I make a point to walk away when I get frustrated and come back to it - my husband and I tag team during communication snafu's in order to make sure I can explain my son's point of view to my husband, and my husband can help me get the language out correctly, but i'm fairly nonverbal irl and have trouble speaking.

our daughter's adventerous, sweet, kind, and a handful in her own way.

our son is a lot like waht you describe - and wants to insist that everyone follows the rules - his rules and his interpretation of our rules... LOL it's a work in progress.

I don't have a lot to say in regards to some of the struggles you go through because I'm the one who's being diagnosed with my son instead of my husband.

And, I've had a lot of different therapies growing up because there "was" something wrong with me that didn't get properly diagnosed as a child... so we did all the meds, the therapies and nothing magically fixed me.

as an adult, I'm functional, but not because of any traditional therapies. I figured out how to kind of fix myself, ask for structure, routines and support to function at my highest, and learn to accept help.

I think it's easier for a girl in some ways to be autistic, because it tends to manifest a little differently. Girls seem more shy - while boys tend to act more aggressive... (just statistically)



TWCkidsMom
by on May. 24, 2012 at 11:59 PM

I LOVE that rule.  My husband has a hard time walking away even when I make him because I can tell he needs the space and he's just spiraling. We'll have to come up with something out than "time out" for this, like taking a break or cooling off or regrouping or something.  

Quoting kajira:

we don't allow yelling. if anyone yells, we seperate for a time out temporarily. LOL that's my house rule. :P

Quoting TWCkidsMom:


I WISH my husband could walk away!  We have a "rule" in my house (started by me) that is not only okay to walk away (and that you will be given your space), but that it is encouraged too!  The problem usually arises when my son gets frustrated and my husband perceives that as talking back... I feel like the movie Groundhog Day here sometimes.  LOL.

My husband's dad died when he was 5, so everyone attributed some of his behaviors to his dad's death at such a young age.  He's been in and out of therapy for 30 years and as he has said "got nothing from it" but it's hard to help someone when you don't know the root of the situation.  I realize we are all wired the way we are, but if we can work on negotiating and trying to see things from another point of view, I see that as HUGE progress.  If I can get my husband and son not to always butt heads, the yelling will be diminished which will help restore peace in our home.

Quoting kajira:

My son and I are both in the process of being diagnosed together as well - only I did 18 years of therapy growing up and talk-therapy didn't really help me. so I went to college for psychology instead so I could learn to help myself.

So, I work on teaching my son those skills. we don't butt heads very much - but my husband who's normal and my son butt heads a lot. 

Also - we have a younger daughter too!

we don't yell - I make a point to walk away when I get frustrated and come back to it - my husband and I tag team during communication snafu's in order to make sure I can explain my son's point of view to my husband, and my husband can help me get the language out correctly, but i'm fairly nonverbal irl and have trouble speaking.

our daughter's adventerous, sweet, kind, and a handful in her own way.

our son is a lot like waht you describe - and wants to insist that everyone follows the rules - his rules and his interpretation of our rules... LOL it's a work in progress.

I don't have a lot to say in regards to some of the struggles you go through because I'm the one who's being diagnosed with my son instead of my husband.

And, I've had a lot of different therapies growing up because there "was" something wrong with me that didn't get properly diagnosed as a child... so we did all the meds, the therapies and nothing magically fixed me.

as an adult, I'm functional, but not because of any traditional therapies. I figured out how to kind of fix myself, ask for structure, routines and support to function at my highest, and learn to accept help.

I think it's easier for a girl in some ways to be autistic, because it tends to manifest a little differently. Girls seem more shy - while boys tend to act more aggressive... (just statistically)




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