Child / Spouse both with Aspergers
My son will be 10 on Monday and was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. It was actually a relief to finally have this diagnois because for years I've said he is "wired differently." =) He's a beautiful kid and very bright, but struggles with homework, anxiety and some social situations. Through his evaluation, we also came to learn the my husband (35) also has Aspergers. My husband and son have butted heads for years and now we finally know why, but it doesn't make it any easier. Both have just started into therapy, but 10 years is really starting to take a toll on me.
I am looking for other moms to connect with who may be in a similiar situation with child/spouse. I also have a 7 year old daughter who my son isn't always nice to which I really struggle with because she is the sweetest, most caring kid you'll meet. I know he's not trying to be mean to her, it's that she's pretty free spirited and not much of a rule follower, so he gets frustrated with her.
I don't need a kumbaya type home, but some days the yelling and frustration is too much to handle. Can anyone else relate?
I will say it took me wanting to find better ways to handle situations in order for me to learn to walk away, I had to acknowledge my quirks - including my OCD "but we aren't DONE yet" urges in order to learn to do this.
my husband was instrumental in learning how to do this... but I had to want too.
Quoting TWCkidsMom:I LOVE that rule. My husband has a hard time walking away even when I make him because I can tell he needs the space and he's just spiraling. We'll have to come up with something out than "time out" for this, like taking a break or cooling off or regrouping or something.
Quoting kajira:we don't allow yelling. if anyone yells, we seperate for a time out temporarily. LOL that's my house rule. :P
Quoting TWCkidsMom:
I WISH my husband could walk away! We have a "rule" in my house (started by me) that is not only okay to walk away (and that you will be given your space), but that it is encouraged too! The problem usually arises when my son gets frustrated and my husband perceives that as talking back... I feel like the movie Groundhog Day here sometimes. LOL.
My husband's dad died when he was 5, so everyone attributed some of his behaviors to his dad's death at such a young age. He's been in and out of therapy for 30 years and as he has said "got nothing from it" but it's hard to help someone when you don't know the root of the situation. I realize we are all wired the way we are, but if we can work on negotiating and trying to see things from another point of view, I see that as HUGE progress. If I can get my husband and son not to always butt heads, the yelling will be diminished which will help restore peace in our home.
Quoting kajira:My son and I are both in the process of being diagnosed together as well - only I did 18 years of therapy growing up and talk-therapy didn't really help me. so I went to college for psychology instead so I could learn to help myself.
So, I work on teaching my son those skills. we don't butt heads very much - but my husband who's normal and my son butt heads a lot.
Also - we have a younger daughter too!
we don't yell - I make a point to walk away when I get frustrated and come back to it - my husband and I tag team during communication snafu's in order to make sure I can explain my son's point of view to my husband, and my husband can help me get the language out correctly, but i'm fairly nonverbal irl and have trouble speaking.
our daughter's adventerous, sweet, kind, and a handful in her own way.
our son is a lot like waht you describe - and wants to insist that everyone follows the rules - his rules and his interpretation of our rules... LOL it's a work in progress.
I don't have a lot to say in regards to some of the struggles you go through because I'm the one who's being diagnosed with my son instead of my husband.
And, I've had a lot of different therapies growing up because there "was" something wrong with me that didn't get properly diagnosed as a child... so we did all the meds, the therapies and nothing magically fixed me.
as an adult, I'm functional, but not because of any traditional therapies. I figured out how to kind of fix myself, ask for structure, routines and support to function at my highest, and learn to accept help.
I think it's easier for a girl in some ways to be autistic, because it tends to manifest a little differently. Girls seem more shy - while boys tend to act more aggressive... (just statistically)
I've been married for nearly 20 years to an Aspie and have two children who have Asperger's as well. I think that getting the diagnosis was helpful for all of us because it helped my husband and children understand why they felt different from others, while getting a diagnosis helped me understand that they weren't trying to be difficult but that they just operated differently. It helped me find better ways to understand them and to interact with them more successfully. We still have our share of stressful days, but it helped me sooooo much to realize that their behavior wasn't deliberate.
My husband and my Aspie kids butt heads horribly. When any one of them gets upset, they seem to lose their power of reasoning and listening, which makes the other person upset and anxious, which makes them lose their own polite communication skills, and pretty quickly the situation spirals out of control. I often have to intervene. My husband is pretty good about listening when I call a time-out to a situation. We're still working with the kids to get them to do better with not escalating situations.
My Aspie kids are 17yr daughter and 13yr son. I have a 15yr son and 9yr daughter who are not on the autism spectrum. My Aspie kids get frustrated with my neurotypical (NT) kids, and my NT kids are impatient with their siblings. We have our frustrating moments and can definitely relate to what you've described!
THANK YOU for your post! I cannot even tell you how much resonated with me!!!!!! My 10 year old son (Aspie) and 7 year old daughter (NT) both get very frustrated with each other and there are times when I feel like my daughter's spirit is being broken by the way her brother treats her. She's not old enough to understand, but certainly is affected. I'm 38 and even I HAVE hard days, so I worry about her ALL the time. I know my son will be okay with CBT over time... and hopefully my husband too. I find that 1:1 time with each of my kids works better than group time... although IRONICALLY family-time usually plays out well. Looking forward to AND nervous about the summer ALL at the same time.
The kids and I agreed to make charts again this summer: 1 for recipes and our meal chart, 1 for what we plan to do each day and 1 for discipline. Hoping it all works out for the best!!!!
Here is a link to a book for those with spouses on the spectrum: http://alternativechoices.com/dr-ariel-releases-new-book/
Field Trip Time!
- TWCkidsMom
on May. 24, 2012 at 1:04 PM