Empathy and ASD

[MomOfOneCoolKid]

This is one of my "future" concerns for my son...

Its not real high on the radar right now b/c he is 3 1/2. Well it is b/c sometimes he initiates communication by being passive aggressive -- pokes you in the eye, steps on your foot.

What he wants to say / do is interact w/ you but doesn't know how to start.

I think this is b/c ASD kids like my kid struggles w/ empathy.

Does your kiddo struggle w/ empathy? If so, how have you dealt with it?

[mommy2RA]

My oldest son is only suspected of having Aspberger's, but I can tell you that he communicates MUCH better with adults than kids his age. Either way the conversations are pretty repetitive (he is constantly talking about directions("Turn left on 'XYZ' street, then right on 'ABC' road..."), signs, and other geographical GPS-type info. I worry how his future relationships will be affected, as well as how to help him navigate personal relationships in the future. Honestly I don't know how to deal with it , wish I did.

[Gretchent23]

I understand the poking/stomping for attention or communication. My 4 1/2 year old son does something similar to us when he wants to play. He has also done it occasionally to a lesser degree (thank goodness!) to peers at the playground or in the neighborhood. He really thinks its fun and doesn't know another way to initiate. We are working hard to teach him alternatives but I think it will take some time. In the interim, we try to not engage or respond the way he wants us to so we don't reinforce the behavior.

I can understand why you connect this with empathy. I believe if you work on the specific behavior and replace it with the appropriate behavior, he will start to understand why using words is more reinforcing than poking or hitting. Once he is a little older, he will get why hurting someone is not a way to get the attention you want. I don't know if he will ever have theory of mind or empathy, but he can learn behaviors the can demonstrate appropriate social interactions.

[Aspiemom0203]

It depends on the person. Some people he doesn't. His brother he doesn't, but with DD he does. She hit her head last year and had to get staples. She barley made a sound and didn't even cry when they put in the staples. Jacob had to leave the room he was so upset. He cried from the moment she was hurt until after we left the ER 3 hrs later.

I think it's more about who they feel most comfortable with and can relate to instead of just being a friend or family member.

[cmsloco]

lol empathy, I didn't think that Mason (6yr old) had any signs of caring about how other feel.  But then one night he comes walking down the hallway in huge tears talking about how sad it was that the grandma and Tod never get to be together again...I was totally lost. Not a clue what he was talking about. Then he showed me.  The movie The Fox and the Hound had triggered a response in him we had never seen.  I was thrilled for the discovery that he can recognize a sad situation but of course sad that the movie had such a profound effect on the lil guy.

The thing is, once he found that thing that made him feel for another's feelings, he got fixated on it.  We had to watch Fox and Hound every night for several nights and every night go through the same scenario where he would come and get me in tears.  Maybe I should have put my foot down and not let him watch it, but he had such a craving for this movie.  I can only guess that he NEEDED to feel for the characters.  So he would watch it and when it came time to get me, we would talk about how the movie really wasn't saying they didn't ever get to be together.  (It is a bit open ended, ya dont know what happens to the grown up fox)  We would talk about how Todd watching grandma and the farm on the hill may mean that he got to visit and still check up on them.

Now we go through a similar situation with Toy Story 3.  He is afraid that when you grow up and go off to college you never get to be with momma again, and just as importantly, you have to give up almost all of your toys.  It amazes me every day the way that little things in media we take for granted have such a big impact on others.  He has taught me alot.  Now if I can just get my teen to care about somebody else's feeling we will be in business! 

[MomOfOneCoolKid]

Quoting Gretchent23:

I understand the poking/stomping for attention or communication. My 4 1/2 year old son does something similar to us when he wants to play. He has also done it occasionally to a lesser degree (thank goodness!) to peers at the playground or in the neighborhood. He really thinks its fun and doesn't know another way to initiate. We are working hard to teach him alternatives but I think it will take some time. In the interim, we try to not engage or respond the way he wants us to so we don't reinforce the behavior.

I can understand why you connect this with empathy. I believe if you work on the specific behavior and replace it with the appropriate behavior, he will start to understand why using words is more reinforcing than poking or hitting. Once he is a little older, he will get why hurting someone is not a way to get the attention you want. I don't know if he will ever have theory of mind or empathy, but he can learn behaviors the can demonstrate appropriate social interactions.

This was very helpful, thank you :)

[MomOfOneCoolKid]

Quoting happy2b101:

I don't have any good answers because we are struggling with the same thing but our OT says that it really is sensory seeking behavior when they poke at you. It's not that he doesn't care if he hurts you.  He just is seeking sensory input. 

I'm glad I'm not alone :)

[MomOfOneCoolKid]

Quoting badgermom2012:

OK seriously, maybe I'm a cynical sociopath or something but I kinda feel most NT "normal" people don't really feel empathy as often as they act like they do.  I think NTs are just better at faking it.  Normal socially appropriate folks know when to say, "Oh, that's awful.  I'm sorry you had to go through that, blah, blah," and will say it in a convincing voice.  Whereas someone on the spectrum either won't know what to say or will say it in a "cold" or "robotic" tone.  Really, I think a lot of people on the spectrum can feel empathy for people they actually care about.  I know my son does for me.  But I think that they just don't know how to fake it in those casual situations that arise whereas NTs do.    

LOL! I suspect this is very true as well!