How do you not let other peoples judgments bother you???
A month ago, my 3 year old son was diagnosed with ASD and Anxiety, His dr feels its best to also have my 5 year old daughter examined, because she also has many traits and characteristics that point to ASD...
Im struggling... and not with the Diagnosis like most people seem to think. Having a diagnosis, gives me an answer. My husband and i dont struggle to find out what we are doing wrong, why he isnt like others...
We had a cookout today with my whole family- pretty big- lots of little ones running around... after having some comments thrown around about them being SURE summer isnt autistic, and not being able to beleive that max is and blah blah blah... I hear my Cousin yell, Max pushed him! he pushed him!! as she is running to her lil many, almost 2, whos laying on the ground with a lil bloody lip. It seemed, as all the kids wer standing on this short platform ( about the height they would be if they were all standing on kitchen chairs....) a shuffled of some sorts happened and max pushed my cousins baby. I dont know if this was intentional or accidental- but here is what i can say that i DO know...
My son, will NOT under any circumstances appologize if he dosent think, or realize that he has done something wrong. if he throws something and accidently hurts you, he wont appologize, in his mind he didnt mean to... or his typical- if he does push you, playing or not, if he didnt MEAN to hurt you, he wont appologize. on the other hand, when he knows hes done something out of anger, or being mean, or has donr something he is not supposed to, he WILL appologize...
SO.... here is my son, throwing a tantrum, because i want him to appologize for pushing his cousin... but he wont... he was getting more and more anxious, and i just decided, it was best that we go. I appologized, scooped up my family, and we left. no parade. no fireworks... just mommy sobbing the whole way home.
All i could feel were everyones eyes burning on me, judging me for my monster son who could make a baby bleed and refuse to appologize... I dont wanna say, hey im sorry hes autistic, like its an excuse, and im not ready to teach everyone in our lives about asd yet... im still learning, coping, and planning to make sure that my kids have the best possible future, and i feel like im failing them....
I felt so judged...the look on everyones faces as max threw a fit about saying he was sorry...I can only imagine what everyone had to say when we left, and i mentally promised myself i cant do family functions anymore with these people, but i know im just angry and aggravated... it dosent help that she is the kinda woman who heaven forbid her precious perfect angel gets hurt... i dunno... i need some encouragment...
That happens. My son is ASD - and we have a similar battle with apologies. what we do is explain to him, that accidental or not, you are still responsible for your actions... so if even if you didn't MEAN to hurt someone- you still owe them an apology for your actions that resulted in an injury, or hurting someone else.
I don't care why. you are responsible for your choices, behaviors and actions, and if someone else gets in the way of your actions, you still made the choice to throw something and you are still responsible for apologizing.
My son's 8 - not 3... and it's a conversation we've had *a lot* over the years, and will still continue to have as he gets older.
Your family isn't going to understand unless you explain it to them, and even then, they may still not fully understand. all you can do is stand your ground and try not to feel guilty.
I feel for you. My in-laws were like that. My husband could even believe there was something wrong with Matt because he did'nt look different. They don't understand and it is hard to explain to everyone, but if you just stop going to family functions because it is easier it will make his world smaller. He will get that at school so he needs to have his extended family to except him and try to understand him. Have them learn with you so it will be natural.
There was an episode of Parenthood where Max (the boy with Asperger's) was told that he had to apologize to someone (his younger cousin) and he couldn't understand why he was supposed to. Finally his older cousin sat with him awhile, explaining why people apologize (by showing him video clips and such) and it did sink in with him. Of course, it's still fiction and fictional Max was 10, so I know that's a big difference compared to a 3 year old.
In any case, it's something you will have to keep working on with him. You may have to apologize for him until he gets it. He's kind of at that line where yes, he has ASD, but at the same time he still might be too young to understand it just yet. He will get there, just be patient and just keep explaining to your family.
I have twins with autism and when they were that age, family gatherings were a nightmare. In fact they were very similar to what you described except I my family would make comments instead of just thinking them! I finally made a decision to put family gatherings on hold for awhile. They were not supportive of my boy's diagnosis and it made me a wreck. I started dreading holidays ! Finally I had enough and I told my family we would not attend until either they could be more understanding or until my boys could handle the gatherings better. Well, we took a couple of years off and the twins matured and then family gatherings were fine. Now my boys are actually the better behaved of all of the other kids.
Talk to your family and see if they are willing to be understanding and supportive. If not give yourself permission to pick and chose the gatherings or skip them until your son is better equipped to handle them.
As for caring what other people think, you will see, as time passes your skin will become very thick and eventually you will only care if your son is happy and doing well.
I have actually told a family member during my son's meltdown, either help me or get out of my way...LOL
I loved that episode. :-)
Quoting thatgirl70:
There was an episode of Parenthood where Max (the boy with Asperger's) was told that he had to apologize to someone (his younger cousin) and he couldn't understand why he was supposed to. Finally his older cousin sat with him awhile, explaining why people apologize (by showing him video clips and such) and it did sink in with him. Of course, it's still fiction and fictional Max was 10, so I know that's a big difference compared to a 3 year old.
In any case, it's something you will have to keep working on with him. You may have to apologize for him until he gets it. He's kind of at that line where yes, he has ASD, but at the same time he still might be too young to understand it just yet. He will get there, just be patient and just keep explaining to your family.
I always dreaded family gatherings when my son was younger and actually stopped attending them for awhile. As for caring what other people think, I agree after awhile you just don't care. I know I fell to pieces the first time it happened to us but after awhile you do get stronger and more resilient.
Quoting thatgirl70:There was an episode of Parenthood where Max (the boy with Asperger's) was told that he had to apologize to someone (his younger cousin) and he couldn't understand why he was supposed to. Finally his older cousin sat with him awhile, explaining why people apologize (by showing him video clips and such) and it did sink in with him. Of course, it's still fiction and fictional Max was 10, so I know that's a big difference compared to a 3 year old.
In any case, it's something you will have to keep working on with him. You may have to apologize for him until he gets it. He's kind of at that line where yes, he has ASD, but at the same time he still might be too young to understand it just yet. He will get there, just be patient and just keep explaining to your family.
Quoting Packmomma:Thanks guys...I feel so terribly issolated sometimes and have no idea what to do...
Horseback Riding Lessons
- Packmomma
on Jul. 4, 2012 at 5:32 PM