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how do you deal with the guilt

Posted by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 7:30 AM
  • 12 Replies

hi im christi my son has aspergers and i just cant even think about it without crying i know its not that bad but i just feel like was it somthing i caused or why and am i bad for feeling this way i love him more now then ever dont get me wrong ive allways have loved him but now i just dont want him out of my sight am i the only one who has felt this way

by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 7:30 AM
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by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 8:04 AM
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 No , your not alone on this one. I am afraid to send my son on trips with his school. Im afraid something will happen when im not around that no one can watch him as well as I can. I have seen him bullied by other kids , treated badly and he doesnt know how to react. He doesnt know stranger danger either. I stress all the time. My husband says I baby him and he needs some independance but I  find it really hard. There is so much danger around him he isnt even aware of.  I think maybe when you have a special needs child you see things differently. I dont know, I just know how I feel when my son is out of my sight. Your his Mom its your job to protect.

by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 8:44 AM
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No you are not the only one. My son is 8 and he has PDD-NOS . He was diagnosed two years ago and I still feel like this from time to time. It's perfectly normal. Especially since no one knows what causes an Autism Spectrum Disorder in the first place. My son is never out of my sight with the exception of school. My husband has said I baby him mostly before we knew he had autism. He also has motor skill and communication difficulties. Yes I agree with the last comment, when your child has special needs you see things very differently.
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by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:06 AM
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 It's natural to feel guilty, but it's also something you need to get over as soon as you can.  You're also half "guilty" for your kid's beautiful smile and the shape of his hands and all the things you love about him and his personality.  When the dx is new, it's natural to be overwhelmed, but remember, he's still the same kid.  You just have one more word to describe him, and some therapies that will help him function in the world.

Also remember, even if it turns out that you are an Aspie yourself, that you have done pretty well, gotten to adulthood, had a kid, and are providing for him.  If you can do it, probably so can he.  He might need more or less help than you needed. 

My son is 14 and has had a dx for 10 years.  The feeling of guilt is sometimes still there for me, but it has faded a lot over the years.  I know I'm doing the best that I can and that my son is going to be a fine man. 

by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:52 AM
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You're not alone!  I have felt like my son being the way he is is my fault.  If I had done X or I hadn't done Y maybe things would be different.  I had to come to a place where I could just accept it for what it is.  I still get nervous leaving him just at school.  He wants to be like the other kids though and no one else's mom walks them in and gives them a hug before they leave so he just usually yells at me to leave lol.  Somedays he does want me to walk him in but no touching....that's embarassing.  ;) 

by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:56 AM
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 I struggle with being overprotective too.  My husband helps balance me out in this department.  As they are getting older, I am finding it easier to let go a little.


by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 5:32 PM

 I struggle with the guilt a lot. I go over and over in my mind what I might have done to cause this even though deep down I KNOW it's not my fault, and it's SO counter productive I can't even tell you. It is completely holding me back from being able to move forward and be happy again.

It's hard for me to "let go", but I'm working on it. Some days I am more successful at it than others. (((HUGS)))

by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 5:34 PM

i dont have guilt this is not a guilt issue there is nothing u can do to prevent asd it just happens

by Julie on Jul. 10, 2012 at 5:47 PM
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Welcome to the group, Christi. I think we have all wondered if there was something we could have done differently, and you can get worked up thinking about things like "did I exercise, enough/too much, did I eat the right things/enough/too much, did I ...??? Bottom line, there really isn't any reason to feel guilty unless you did something intentionally harmful. 

by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:19 PM

Sometimes I start to feel guilty... did I do something wrong while I was pregnant?  Did I do something wrong in early development?  The thing is, there is no known, definitive cause for ASD, so I can drive myself crazy wondering, or I can choose to deal with the hand that has been dealt, and move forward.  I'd rather seek solutions rather than causes, so I have to be intentional about letting the guilt go.  If I don't, I'll curl up in a ball and not move forward at all. 

As someone upthread said, unless you intentionally did something to cause harm, this isn't your fault.

by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 10:35 PM
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I struggled with the guilt when my son was first dx'd but honestly after awhile decided my energy was much better used helping him.  You are not to blame.  I am still over protective of my son but he is now 14 and telling me to back off and let him handle some things :) 

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