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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Separation and collateral damage. Long.......

Posted by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 3:21 AM
  • 22 Replies

 The process of separating is so hard on children. 

 I filed for divorce after more than 12 years.   I have tried to keep it together for the best interest of DS and he deserves to be in a supportive environment and his needs come first.   My young DS has HF ASD.      I was the primary caregiver, organizer of appointments, therapy, school, play dates since DS was diagnosed  years ago and my spouse was working full time and very consumed with work.  He was hands off DS for years until I filed for divorce.  My soon to be ex has said repeatedly that I have caused DS's tantrums and want him to fail. He and his mother have said since DS has a tantrum something I did must have triggered it since I have spent so much time with him.   If DS had a bad day at school then spouse would say it was because I did "blank" the day before.    They have not been supportive of DS getting ABA or extra speech outside of school.   STBX told the psychologist he thought DS was getting too much help.   After filing for divorce now he shows up at  appointments with his mother and wants to have his mother care for DS.  He has been taking DS to his mother's house when is it his turn to pickup DS.    STBX also cancelled OT appointments without telling me.   He has said that previous OT and speech I arranged did not help.  These are liscensed therapists with very good reputations in big companies.   STBX said that if DS has melt downs at appointments or has a bad day after appointments he should not have to go to the appointments.   That alone is a huge story.  

STBX and his mom did not want people to know about the diagnosis.   The word autism was never used at their family gatherings.   Now that DS is older it is very apparent that DS is not just acting like a NT little kid.  No excuses.   His social skills are like a 3 year old at times.   I got more open talking about therapies DS had and how he was doing better with a few of their family, but no on said autism.  STBX was angry I had told my sister DS had autism. 

Difficulty with change, transitions and anxiety are big issues.   STBX is removing stuff from the house, clothes, toys, clothes, ds's records: financial, med and school.  I have asked him to return things so we can make copies, but he will not or claims they are in the house but will not let me see them.   DS gets very upset when he cannot find toys, parts of sets or stuffed animals and starts to blame himself for not remembering where they are or says he lost.   He ended up in tears talking about a missing stuffed animal.  I explained that sometimes stuff gets moved out by dad and maybe dad forgets to tell us.  Sometimes DS finds the toys at grandmas and he tells me about it.    I ask STBX to return stuff and he denies he had them.   He said they were in the house the whole time.   My lawyer wrote his a letter asking him to return missing items.  Last week toys  reappeared in big boxes after months of being gone.   This is not about rotating toys.

I thanked STBx for returning boxes of train sets and building kits and he denied he ever took them in front of DS.   STBX does not know how wrong this is for our son to have to feel bad about not finding his toys and blaming himself and then STBX says it was always here.    I do not mind sharing and having DS play with toys outside of the home, but I do not want to be lied to in front of DS, when he also knows it is not true.  Too many mixed messages and poor role modeling.  DS will think that this is normal to say black is white.  Why contribute to DS's anxiety when he has some many other challenges.   

Today STBX said today was not  his birthday several times after I said happy b day.   He said yesterday was his birthday.   He said this with a straight face.   What kind of confusing message is that.  DS knew today was his birthday.  I helped him make a birthday card. 

DS has asked what happens if we divorce and I told him we will always love him and he will get to spend time with me and with his father at different homes.  We will take turns.  He gets that and he seems Ok with it.  But at times I know he is feeling the tension and acting out- a lot.  He does not have control. 

 I have read a lot of posts and I know this group does not talk a lot about divorce, but it is such a big part of what is going on for me and DS.   I have looked to you all for support the past months and from the posts felt that you can understand how hard it is day to day.  I worry that STBX will read this, but is it how I feel. 

Caitty

 

by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 3:21 AM
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Replies (1-10):
reindeer-c
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 5:13 AM
1 mom liked this

I cannot even imagine what your DS is going through. Divorce is difficult enough much less having to see your child go through this. I am so sorry you have to go through this pain. I am glad you feel comfortable to share your situation with us. I know there are many other families that deal with the divorce issue and have special needs children. It is difficult to keep a marriage strong when your focus is on the children. Hugs to you and your family. Try to stay strong and feel free to message me if you need to talk. You need to have a place to vent so you can get these types of annoying issues between you and your ex in perspective and not loose your mind. We as women are always second guessing our choices and blaming ourselves. Sometimes talking to people that can look from the outside in can give you valuable tips to help you cope.

momtoscott
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 6:13 AM
1 mom liked this

 I am so sorry for you and for your son.  In some ways it sounds like once you are divorced things may be more easy because you will have the court-appointed rules to abide by and set guidelines with him.  Your STBX is acting like an ass, IMO.  But that happens in lots of divorces. 

When it gets to the point of actual divorce, you will want how your son is treated in terms of his ASD and the therapy in the arrangements, obviously. 

Until then--I guess I would try to stay as calm as possible around your son and make things as normal as possible.  Is it possible to talk to your MIL and ask for her help, or is she too much on her son's "side"?  Can you change the locks so your ex can't come in and grab things just to mess with your head? 

I don't know if your parents are divorced.  Mine are, and the divorce was very messy.  It was hard on the children, even though neither of my parents wanted to hurt us.  We kids went through the usual feelings that we had somehow caused the divorce, and we tried to get our parents back together and all of us acted differently afterward and took a number of years to process.  Some strong emotions are probably affecting your son, and I just don't know if it's possible to buffer them. 

However, I am super glad my parents divorced, because I really can't imagine how horrible it would have been to keep living in that house with the two of them always angry and upset with each other. 

I wish you the very best of luck, and I hope somebody here can give you better practical advice than I can. 

arkansasmama08
by Silver Member on Jul. 11, 2012 at 6:23 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm sorry you and your son are going thru this :( even if it's not brought up often here, please don't be afraid or embarrassed to talk about what's going on. This group is very supportive, no matter what the living situation.
I would definitely keep records of everything he is doing and appointments he is canceling. His behavior is showing that your sons best interests are not his priority and he's going out of his way to hurt you and hinder your sons progress. Your attorney and judge need to see this.
I would also request copies if all paper work from the original source and keep them in a safe deposit box or somewhere your ex won't have access to them. You need those to care for him.
I'm sorry. I've never been through a divorce. I am married but the main caregiver for my kids and know how it is to be the one that manages the amazing amount of paperwork, Evals, applications, drs and therapies.
If you ever just need to talk feel free to pm me. Like I said, I've never been thru it but I'm a good listener :) (((((hugs mama)))))
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TristansMom440
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 7:14 AM
1 mom liked this

((HUGS))  I am so saddened by what you & your DS are going through.  Please don't feel bad about coming to us for support.   You can tell me anything.  I have not been through divorce, but awfully close to it and I can relate to some of the stuff you mentioned.  My DH & MIL will not hear of the "a" word.  MIL is convinced I can pray it away "in the name of Jesus" and that the speech therapy DS is getting will cure him and make him all better.  When my DH first found out I was taking our son to ST, he got so mad he kicked in a door in our house.  Not cool.  Now alot of his (DH's) behavior was related to being wrongly medicated, but still....

I am here if you ever need to talk.  Try to stay strong for your DS. 

jordiesmom05
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 9:03 AM

I am sorry that you and your ds are going through this right now. It sounds like your ex and his mom are just being jerks. I hope that things settle down after the divorce is final. Your ex should not have taken your son's toys, that is just mean. He could buy toys for his house or let you box up some to send over to his house.  

I am going through a divorce too and it has not been easy. I have had to completely start over. My ex took my car away and there was nothing I could do about it, it was in his and his mom's name. I had to move in with my sister and her family. I finally bought a car on Saturday after being without one for a year and a half. Slowly but surely I will get my son and me in our own place. As for the ex, he has not seen or talked to my son since I filed for divorce. He completely abandoned him. He tried to go in and act like he cared at the temporary time-sharing and child support hearing. He said he wanted to see Jordan one weekend every month and was getting him a cell phone and would call him every night at 6 p.m. He has not done any of that, just like I knew he would not. He was trying to look like a concerned father for the judge! His loss!

If you want to talk about divorce on here, it is ok. It is a big part of your life. This is the only group I post on anyway, I don't get on the divorce group.

aidensmomma508
by Wendy on Jul. 11, 2012 at 9:22 AM
1 mom liked this

((hugs)) I'm so sorry you are going through this and I hope it works out the best way possible with you and your ex both being there for your son and not missing appointments and stuff.  I know other moms in the group have been through it I hope they can help you out more. 

ROGUEM
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 9:57 AM

 I am so sorry you are going through this.  I can imagine the physical and mental toll put on you.  I think your life will be much calmer once he gets out of the house.  He will come during certain set times and he will not be able to take things and lie to you.  He sounds very selfish and I am sure he was spoiled by his mother by the way she still is doing things for him.

My parents divorced when I was 12.  It was hard because my parents by that point completely hated each other.  It was not until much later they were able to act civil to each other.  I wish they would have divorced earlier before it became that bad.

We are all here for you.

HUGS

Austinsmom4544
by Silver Member on Jul. 11, 2012 at 11:20 AM

((Hugs Mama))  I went thru a somewhat messy divorce in 2006.  Your ex sounds like a real jerk to do that to his son.  I will tell you it does get better, a little more every day.  Make some positive changes for you and your son.  I moved out of state with my kids to come back to Ohio to be around family.  I also threw myself into college for the first year to finish up my degree.  It helped a lot to keep me busy.  Everyday I was finding more of myself.  I hope you find some peace or calmness soon :)

marisab
by Gold Member on Jul. 11, 2012 at 2:31 PM

dont worry who reads this.why?



  1. you know your doing everything for your son and there acting
  2. we have your back
  3. they have a right know how ya feel
  4. moms usually win
Caitty
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 6:54 PM


Quoting arkansasmama08:

I'm sorry you and your son are going thru this :( even if it's not brought up often here, please don't be afraid or embarrassed to talk about what's going on. This group is very supportive, no matter what the living situation.
I would definitely keep records of everything he is doing and appointments he is canceling. His behavior is showing that your sons best interests are not his priority and he's going out of his way to hurt you and hinder your sons progress. Your attorney and judge need to see this.
I would also request copies if all paper work from the original source and keep them in a safe deposit box or somewhere your ex won't have access to them. You need those to care for him.
I'm sorry. I've never been through a divorce. I am married but the main caregiver for my kids and know how it is to be the one that manages the amazing amount of paperwork, Evals, applications, drs and therapies.
If you ever just need to talk feel free to pm me. Like I said, I've never been thru it but I'm a good listener :) (((((hugs mama)))))

Thank you.  All the posts are so supportive.  I should have written sooner.   I have been journaling important events and inconsistencies.   I get so tired of writing, but I know it is important to document everything.   DS's best interest is the main concern.  Sometimes I think I should forget about the past and move on.  Once we are living in separate homes then maybe STBX will have less anger and behave as a better parent.   but I do not know if STBX will repeat his inconsistent behavior when I am not around and DS will not have anyone there to clarify and make things better.   I want STBX to encourage DS and support the therapies so that he has a positive attitude about his appointments. 

Thank you,

  

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