Separation and collateral damage. Long.......
The process of separating is so hard on children.
I filed for divorce after more than 12 years. I have tried to keep it together for the best interest of DS and he deserves to be in a supportive environment and his needs come first. My young DS has HF ASD. I was the primary caregiver, organizer of appointments, therapy, school, play dates since DS was diagnosed years ago and my spouse was working full time and very consumed with work. He was hands off DS for years until I filed for divorce. My soon to be ex has said repeatedly that I have caused DS's tantrums and want him to fail. He and his mother have said since DS has a tantrum something I did must have triggered it since I have spent so much time with him. If DS had a bad day at school then spouse would say it was because I did "blank" the day before. They have not been supportive of DS getting ABA or extra speech outside of school. STBX told the psychologist he thought DS was getting too much help. After filing for divorce now he shows up at appointments with his mother and wants to have his mother care for DS. He has been taking DS to his mother's house when is it his turn to pickup DS. STBX also cancelled OT appointments without telling me. He has said that previous OT and speech I arranged did not help. These are liscensed therapists with very good reputations in big companies. STBX said that if DS has melt downs at appointments or has a bad day after appointments he should not have to go to the appointments. That alone is a huge story.
STBX and his mom did not want people to know about the diagnosis. The word autism was never used at their family gatherings. Now that DS is older it is very apparent that DS is not just acting like a NT little kid. No excuses. His social skills are like a 3 year old at times. I got more open talking about therapies DS had and how he was doing better with a few of their family, but no on said autism. STBX was angry I had told my sister DS had autism.
Difficulty with change, transitions and anxiety are big issues. STBX is removing stuff from the house, clothes, toys, clothes, ds's records: financial, med and school. I have asked him to return things so we can make copies, but he will not or claims they are in the house but will not let me see them. DS gets very upset when he cannot find toys, parts of sets or stuffed animals and starts to blame himself for not remembering where they are or says he lost. He ended up in tears talking about a missing stuffed animal. I explained that sometimes stuff gets moved out by dad and maybe dad forgets to tell us. Sometimes DS finds the toys at grandmas and he tells me about it. I ask STBX to return stuff and he denies he had them. He said they were in the house the whole time. My lawyer wrote his a letter asking him to return missing items. Last week toys reappeared in big boxes after months of being gone. This is not about rotating toys.
I thanked STBx for returning boxes of train sets and building kits and he denied he ever took them in front of DS. STBX does not know how wrong this is for our son to have to feel bad about not finding his toys and blaming himself and then STBX says it was always here. I do not mind sharing and having DS play with toys outside of the home, but I do not want to be lied to in front of DS, when he also knows it is not true. Too many mixed messages and poor role modeling. DS will think that this is normal to say black is white. Why contribute to DS's anxiety when he has some many other challenges.
Today STBX said today was not his birthday several times after I said happy b day. He said yesterday was his birthday. He said this with a straight face. What kind of confusing message is that. DS knew today was his birthday. I helped him make a birthday card.
DS has asked what happens if we divorce and I told him we will always love him and he will get to spend time with me and with his father at different homes. We will take turns. He gets that and he seems Ok with it. But at times I know he is feeling the tension and acting out- a lot. He does not have control.
I have read a lot of posts and I know this group does not talk a lot about divorce, but it is such a big part of what is going on for me and DS. I have looked to you all for support the past months and from the posts felt that you can understand how hard it is day to day. I worry that STBX will read this, but is it how I feel.