My DS Jonathan was labeled PDD_NOS back in June. We have been very lucky in that he already does speech therapy, occupational therapy, ABA therapy and has a state therapist once a week. I remember the day I was given the dx clearly. I went in there knowing in my heart that he was going to be on the Autsim Scale but was hoping I was wrong. The dx was like being slapped back into reality. My husband was gone and I had to drive home with my kids in the car. It took everything I had not to cry while driving. My DD kept asking what was wrong. Not knowing what to say to her I told her I was just missing her daddy. She tells me "it's ok mom he will be back" I kept thinking I must have done something wrong during my pregnancy to cause this and that I was somehow to blame. Was i not attentive enough. Did I not push hard enough with him. And yes even the horrible question of did I not love him enough. I know all of those things were not true but you still question every aspect of your life from the time they were conceived til the day of the dx to try to find that one moment in time when things changed. I watch him run play and laugh with his sister and i see this is when he is the happiest. I don't see the little boy with the PDD NOS label but a little boy enjoying life to the fullest. I see his sister run up and hug him and say " I love you Jonathan" and him just laugh and hug her back and it reminds me that I too need to enjoy life to the fullest . I tell myself that I have to remember he is Jonathan before PDD NOS not PDD NOS before Jonathan. But there are times late at night when i lie in my bed when the questions come back and I wonder if I could have done anything different. Would I have done everything the same way if I could have. So my question is does the what ifs ever go away or will I always question myself....
Hang in there Mama. When my dd turned two earlier this year, she was dx with asd. To me, I knew something was different from way before then. But to me she was normal and that was her normal self. Try not to stress about the what ifs. Say, all the asd kiddos are normal, and the rest of us are the ones off. The way they view the world must be amazing and scary at times. I'd give everything just to see her world for one minute. She is non verbal and yes I wish I could hear Mommy and I love you, but she has her own way of showing me and I wouldn't change that for the world.
I still struggle every. single. day.
(((HUGS)))
My autistic son is 10 & I still have questions & doubts too, we got the dx when he was 3-almost 4...late for his dx. I think it depends on you & on the severity of his dx on how you end up coping & if you question it later on or not. My son's is very severe, he'll probably never be on his own but my 2 girls & I do what needs to be done to take care of him...I try not to let it get to me too much though cause then I wouldn't be able to deal with the everyday stuff for the 3 of them. I'm a single parent with just him & my 2 girls so my doubts only surface after really bad day/week/whatever. Good luck to you, your son, & your whole family.
They come and go.
But mostly right now, I'm just focused on getting him on track
Plus, I don't see this as a curse. I see it as different and there are lots of voids to be filled in the world by different.
Thank you so much. I felt like I was the only person questioning myself. I am glad to know that it is normal. I know as time goes by I will question myself less and less from reading what others have written and that makes me feel good. I want to be able to focus on our new journey in a positive manner and not hold on to the what ifs anymore
It did get easier for me after awhile, but in the beginning, I had a lot of guilt and questioned how things may have gone differently. I think this is part of the process that many parents go through, but in time you'll have these thoughts less.
Field Trip Time!
- JTMOM422
on Aug. 22, 2012 at 12:43 PM