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Any advice is appreciated

Posted by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 8:42 PM
  • 3 Replies

My son has a classmate with aspergers.  The student has always had this obsession with my son for like the last three years or so.  They are in the seventh grade.  When my son tries to stay away from him he continues to harass him.  Example: my son and a friend are talking, the other child comes up and tells my child to shut up. It doesn't seem like a big deal but it is constant. Daily, in every class they have together.  The other child's mother told me that the child was angry that my son wouldn't be his best friend a couple years ago, and that's where this stems from.  So- I have made the mistake, I feel, of telling my son to ignore the boys behavior.  I have told him he can't help it, be nice, ignore him, etc.  soooo it has gotten worse, way worse.  The boy hit my son a couple days ago and my son didn't tell me, but today I got a call from the principal saying there had been a report my son had bullied the student. (the principal also stated that he was not clear that it was indeed bullying) I checked with the teacher of the class that the alleged bullying took place in, and that teacher too verified that she hadn't seen bullying behavior from my son and that it must have been a parent complaint.  We have tried to be so nice because we have so much empathy for this family, but I think we are going to have to start documenting all the harassment my son is enduring and report it.  The other child has been in trouble for violence on a couple previous occasions (not kids I know but one got hurt pretty bad). Anyway, the question is- should I call the boys mother before I start reporting things. I mean it's highly likely that there are going to be several instances a week that I report, should I give her the heads up or not. A mutual friend of ours indicated to me that she may actually believe that my son is bullying hers so that's what I may be walking into. Any advice?

by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 8:42 PM
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by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 9:36 PM

Give her a call and set up a time to me face-to-face. Do not mention that you are thinking of reporting this that will put her on the defensive. It would really piss me off and make me completely unreceptive.

Second, I would speak to your son and make sure he is being polite as humanly possible.

Third, ASD kids don't understand ignoring. They interpret that as paying attention because it is normal for ASD kids to not look people in the eye. I would avoid this strategy entirely.

Four, ask your son to be honest with the boy. Don't beat around the bush or be kind, because ASD kids do not understand hints or euphuisms. He doesn't have to be insulting. Rather, saying something like, I am talking to Jim now and you will have to wait until I am done talking to Jim.

If the boy hits your son or is in any way dangerous or violent, this is not acceptable. I would work with the school to protect your son's safety. The school needs to make sure your son is safe as well as the other boy's needs are considered.


by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 9:53 PM

Thanks so much, I'm not sure that calling her is even a good idea now. I wish that I had two years ago when this all started, but now I'm thinking I need to work directly with the school. I feel terrible that I have given my son all the wrong advice all this time. We are kinda super polite people.  When it got bad enough I told him to ignore, it has just made things so much the last couple months. Now I think just reporting the incidence are my only real options. I don't want to upset the mother anymore than necessary. She is a single mom and really has her hands full I know already, that's the kind of stuff I have have been telling my son too- which is why he doesnt tell on the kid every time there is an incident.  

by Amy on Nov. 14, 2012 at 4:28 PM
1 mom liked this

I wouldn't call the other mother, but I would start reporting every instance that your son tells you about or that you see.

Good luck!

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