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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

What is wrong with this woman?

Posted by on Dec. 26, 2012 at 12:53 PM
  • 21 Replies
1 mom liked this

 Hi everyone.  I have been struggling with my motherin law for the last few months.  I don't know what to do and am considering washing my hands of her all together.  Sound sad right.  I agree.  I use to have so much respect for her but now I just feel angry lost and severly disappointed in her.  Here is the story.

Last April we got told by her that a long time family friend was being accused by his own grand sons of molesting them.  As a result he has lost his job and his home and pretty much encountered financial ruin.  What has this got to do with us.  Well my son's God mother and my husbands best friend since child hood is the mother of the "grandson's" that are taking him to court.  Of course their mother is standing by her sons and supporting them through this.  It is all very sad to hear and still what has it got to do with us.  Well as my mother in law is telling us about this she started bad mouthing my son's godmother because she went to court with her son for moral support and didn't have anything nice to say about her father.  (of course right.)  Well I told my mother in law that I think that is what a mother is suppose to do.  And what would the boys have to gain by lieing about this.  They wont get money for this, they will get to talk to a bunch of strangers about a terribly and embarassing experience.  So since that conversation my mother in law hasn't had much to say to me.  Fine right.

But this summer we decided to drive from New Brunswick to Southern Ontario to visit with her.  She was snide and rude with me the entire time we were there.  I couldn't say anything without her saying something rude or insulting back. 

We spent one day with my family and got back to mil house late for supper that night.  She had put everything away and had no food even for my son.  He is only 3 when this happend by the way.  So I appologized for being late and not calling soon enough for her to know but she wouldn't even speak or look at me through the entire conversation.  I asked her outright if she was mad at me.  She yelled yes and slammed the door in my face.

That evening I spent in the spare bedroom with my son.  Dh couldn't sleep.  She wouldn't speak to him either.  You can see but I am shaking my head as I type this.  The next morning I went to speak to her while she was making her bed and appologized again for the night before.  I asked her if she was still cleaning the house that day.  Because she had mentioned doing that the previous morning.  She said no that she was going to get her hair cut and then go see Grandma.  So right after that she took off.  DH wasn't even upstairs yet and she left.  I know for a fact that the Hairdresser wasn't even open for another hour.  So I guess she just wanted to get away from me.  So Dh and I talk it over and I told him that I didn't want to stay if she is going to make us miserable the whole time.  So we packed up the car and decided to go with her to visit Grandma and we would see if things were better between us then we would spend the last night there but if they were the same we would head to someone elses house for the night.

We spent the morning at the playground and after lunch went to the nursing home with mil and fil.  While there things seemed stained but not to bad.  But then while I was talking to Grandma I said "This isn't a bad place.  If we had to put mil in a place I bet she wouldn't mind being in here."  Then MIL says" I wouldn't trust you to put me anywhere.  You would probably push me over the Falls"  I mean why say something like that.  Totally unprovoked.  When we left I told my DH that he could stay if he wanted but I was leaving.  I was very upset.  He didn't want to upset her anymore but I was to angry to stay anymore.  So we drove back to say goodbye a day early.  We were scheduled to leave the following morning.  He told her we were leaving.  She refuse to say good bye or I love you to him.  I stayed in the car the whole time cause there was nothing to say to each other.  She kissed ds goodbye and when dh triied to hug her she pushed him away and told him not to touch her.  His own mother.  So we left.

This was in August.

Then when we finally got home we triied to call her and talk to her.  She would only speak in mono syllables to dh.  She refused to tell him I love you at the end of the conversations and I know my poor dh was hurting.  I forced him to leave but I feel like he wasn't even trying to defend me or anything.  That is why I wanted to leave.  We were all getting sick with the stress of being there.  I am so angry because we triied so hard to include her in our lives we drove almost 24hours straight to visit with her and she made our visit miserable. 

Since this is Christmas I tried one more time to patch things up with her.  I wished her a merry christmas over the phone and she wouldn't even reciprocate.  That is the least someone can do is say merry christmas you know.  I mean people say it to complete strangers.  Anyway I don't know what I expect from everyone as far as responses go.  I don't know if things will ever get better between her and I and I feel like giving up.  Sorry for this negative post I just needed to vent and get it off of my chest.  Thanks for listening.

by on Dec. 26, 2012 at 12:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JTMOM422
by Brenda on Dec. 26, 2012 at 1:44 PM
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Sounds like you did everything you could to patch things up. I really don' know how to respond to people treating me that way. I guess only time will tell or heal the relationship. I believe as long as you continue to allow your dh and son to have a relationship with her then that is the only thing you can do.

lady_katie
by Silver Member on Dec. 26, 2012 at 2:12 PM
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I think that all you can really do with people like this is set boundaries to protect yourself and your family. When they break the boundary, you set one that's more strict. If they have a shred of decency in them, they'll make an attempt to reconcile the relationship, in which case you can reward their good behavior by letting them a little closer to you. 

It's so hard to sit back and watch dysfunctional family members do their thing, especially when they try to suck you into it, but they'll eventually get the message that you refuse to participate in it and move on to someone who will. 

kajira
by Emma on Dec. 26, 2012 at 2:24 PM
1 mom liked this

While I haven't been in this exact situation - this is the kind of stuff that tears families apart. It's sad, but true.

My mother in law liked me when we first met, then when our son was having problems, that's when she sort of showed her true colors towards our family. Not that she's a bad person, but she just couldn't "handle" the stress of it.

I don't know if my relationship will ever be repaired with her.

It's not an easy situation - luckily, my husband tells me to just not talk to her, and he'll handle her and that he understands who his mom is and doesn't blame me for her behavior or reactions to things. He's been very supportive when his mom has lashed out at me, or treated me poorly and stood up for me to his mother. 

With that said - it's very unusual for a kid to make something like that up - there are some kids out there who would - but I believe they would need to have something wrong with their brain to lie about something like that. It's not completely unheard of... and even a normal kid who doesn't fully understand the consquences of what they are saying, might lie thinking they'd get someone in trouble with out realizing hwo serious the accusation is.

It does happen - although I think most kids if confronted with a lie, will end up fessing up once they realize how much trouble *they* will get in for making something like that up.

However - i don't believe that's the norm in most kids.

PinkButterfly66
by on Dec. 26, 2012 at 3:01 PM

There is really nothing you or your husband can do at this point.  The ball is in her court.  It is sad that she is so bitter and has gotten so worked up over something so like this.  But, tragically, this is what happens in families with allegations of molestation.  Some family members rally around the molesters and ostracized the victims and their supporters.  

Inglefay
by on Dec. 26, 2012 at 3:21 PM

Thank you for your posts.  I just keep playing everything over in my mind about what could have brought this on.  I guess I may never know.  I am definitly not going to let her get close to me for a long time after this.  I would never stop her from having a relationship with her grandchild or her son but it hurts that someone that I thought cared about me actually doesn't.  Sadness.  But I am taking charge.  I am not going to allow myself to feel bad anymore cause that would mean that she wins and I am not going to give her that satisfaction.  

Bluerose1482
by Bronze Member on Dec. 26, 2012 at 3:39 PM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like you handled it just right. Let dh and ds have as much of a relationship with her as possible, but limit your contact with her. It is all you can do. I'd also send her a Christmas card every year just to give her an open door if she ever decided to reach out.
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Inglefay
by on Dec. 26, 2012 at 3:46 PM

 At first that is what I told Dh, to still keep calling her and give her a chance to move past it.  And that seems to have at least got her talking to him again.  I don't even know if I want to talk to her again.  I probably will still send her a card for christmas and bday but I feel like we have tryied to give to chance after chance to move on and she just doesn't.  All well I guess.  At least I know that I tried.

mimisbracelets
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 10:37 AM

Hello~

First of all, what did your mother-in-law expect when she talked badly about your son's god mother?  I had a somewhat similiar incedence with my daughter-in-law.  She was very short with me during my stay when our last graddaughter was born.  I wasn't even allowed to hold my new granddaughter because I had had a cold and even though my hands were clean and sanitized and I had a mask on.  I walked out of the hospital room!  Anyway, feelings were hurt and my son was caught in the middle.  Praise the Lord!  My daughter-in-law realized how awful she had been acting and that she felt like she was in a bad mood all the time so she went to the doctor and was put on anti-depressant medication.  We haven't had a problem since.  Perhaps your mother-in-law is going through some depression.  It can certainly sneak up on you, especially if you don't recognize the symptoms.  Is there a father-in-law in the picture?  Perhaps you could suggest to him that maybe she should see a doctor and discuss her being unable to forgive and forget.  Not that it can ever be forgotten.  I think you have done all you can.  If you suggested depression to her, I'm sure the outcome wouldn't be good.  Unless your husband feels comfortable enough to discuss it with her.  Hang in there kiddo!

good luck

Inglefay
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 10:56 AM

 I have said the very same thing to my dh that I think she must be going through something.  She just doesn't seem rational and I thought maybe medapause(bad spelling here sorry) but he said she already went through that.  But I really feel that there is something wrong with her mentally right now.  I definitely cant say anything like this to his family right now though.  I just hope that she is okay and that everything works out for her.  In spite of everything I am worried about her.

kaffedrikke
by Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 10:58 AM

She's suffering some mental disorder.  Sane people don't do this.  Yep, time to say goodbye and be done.

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