Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

So done!!! Please help me understand!

Posted by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 2:58 PM
  • 20 Replies

I am so angry with and so hurt by my Step-Son's disrespect, that I'm willing to give up on him. It breaks my heart to feel this way, but the resentment I feel towards his increasingly disrespectful behavior has been steadily growing for months now:

To quickly recap my introduction post, Matthew came to live with his Father and me almost 2.5 years ago after finally being removed from his Mother. He suffers PTSD due to 11.5 years of severe neglect and abuse (physical, verbal, mental & emotional) and is suspected of low ASD. 

I have spent countless hours with Matthew talking, teaching, coaching, nuturing, praising, explaining, impulse controlling, tutoring, positively reinforcing, I encourage and guide him through decision making, give him control over when his chores get accomplished, I even spent $375.00 on a behavioral modification program (which was very helpful and I still use) to help me teach Matthew proper behavior...all to no avail when it comes to his disrespect. I'm not talking the normal teenage outbursts, rolling of the eyes and tones...that I can accept and deal with. We have two daughters that have successfully survived puberty and two other kids that aren't doing too badly either. Matthew though, has escallated to now doing things like body blocking me from his Dad in attempt to keep his Dad's attention, talking over me when I'm speaking to his Dad or our other children in efforts to gain their attention, he's speaking down to me when I don't understand what he's trying to say, just flat out ignoring me when I ask him to do something, making rude, negative comments about every meal at the table (and I do all the cooking) and the topper for me was on Monday, when he called his Mom to vent every injustice he felt I ever caused him all because I corrected him about leaving the dog outside that morning. I'm not opposed to him venting, I'm upset because he came home from school all peppy, had his homework finished (which never happens), acting as if nothing ever happened. He snuck his phone upstairs, called his Mom in efforts to use her as his power trip. That's what got me. She in turn called me to chew me out and give me a parenting lecture (I was nice about it, but didn't stand for that). 

Oddly, Matthew's displays of disrespect towards his Dad are fairly normal for the age.

It may sound mineal as I've had to omit details to prevent wrinting a book here, but I am a very positive, patient and understanding person. I keep an open mind, I do research to gain wisdom on ASD and I even know through outbursts that there's an underlying cause and I work with him to get to the source. I'm not a quitter...I'm so tapped out now, though.

I have cried many tears over this and no longer join the family at the table, because I can't. I feel like Matthew's trying to pick that fight over dinner and I refuse to give it to him. In fact, I just chose to ignore Matthew all together (barring an emergency) for the next couple of days until I calm down. NEVER have I wanted to pop a child's head of and use it as a basketball until now. My frustration over behavior is slowly turning into resentment towards Matthew as a person and that is NOT like me at all!!!

2.5 years is not a long time, so I'm still very new at dealing with PTSD & ASD...does anyone have any advice at all? Please. I miss my Matthew and I don't know how to make this situation better.

I look forward to and welcome any advice.

Thank you!

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 2:58 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
amonkeymom
by Amy on Jan. 16, 2013 at 3:09 PM

Have you considered a therapist for Matthew that specializes in children with autism and ptsd?

Quoting Callarlilly:

I am so angry with and so hurt by my Step-Son's disrespect, that I'm willing to give up on him. It breaks my heart to feel this way, but the resentment I feel towards his increasingly disrespectful behavior has been steadily growing for months now:

To quickly recap my introduction post, Matthew came to live with his Father and me almost 2.5 years ago after finally being removed from his Mother. He suffers PTSD due to 11.5 years of severe neglect and abuse (physical, verbal, mental & emotional) and is suspected of low ASD. 

I have spent countless hours with Matthew talking, teaching, coaching, nuturing, praising, explaining, impulse controlling, tutoring, positively reinforcing, I encourage and guide him through decision making, give him control over when his chores get accomplished, I even spent $375.00 on a behavioral modification program (which was very helpful and I still use) to help me teach Matthew proper behavior...all to no avail when it comes to his disrespect. I'm not talking the normal teenage outbursts, rolling of the eyes and tones...that I can accept and deal with. We have two daughters that have successfully survived puberty and two other kids that aren't doing too badly either. Matthew though, has escallated to now doing things like body blocking me from his Dad in attempt to keep his Dad's attention, talking over me when I'm speaking to his Dad or our other children in efforts to gain their attention, he's speaking down to me when I don't understand what he's trying to say, just flat out ignoring me when I ask him to do something, making rude, negative comments about every meal at the table (and I do all the cooking) and the topper for me was on Monday, when he called his Mom to vent every injustice he felt I ever caused him all because I corrected him about leaving the dog outside that morning. I'm not opposed to him venting, I'm upset because he came home from school all peppy, had his homework finished (which never happens), acting as if nothing ever happened. He snuck his phone upstairs, called his Mom in efforts to use her as his power trip. That's what got me. She in turn called me to chew me out and give me a parenting lecture (I was nice about it, but didn't stand for that). 

Oddly, Matthew's displays of disrespect towards his Dad are fairly normal for the age.

It may sound mineal as I've had to omit details to prevent wrinting a book here, but I am a very positive, patient and understanding person. I keep an open mind, I do research to gain wisdom on ASD and I even know through outbursts that there's an underlying cause and I work with him to get to the source. I'm not a quitter...I'm so tapped out now, though.

I have cried many tears over this and no longer join the family at the table, because I can't. I feel like Matthew's trying to pick that fight over dinner and I refuse to give it to him. In fact, I just chose to ignore Matthew all together (barring an emergency) for the next couple of days until I calm down. NEVER have I wanted to pop a child's head of and use it as a basketball until now. My frustration over behavior is slowly turning into resentment towards Matthew as a person and that is NOT like me at all!!!

2.5 years is not a long time, so I'm still very new at dealing with PTSD & ASD...does anyone have any advice at all? Please. I miss my Matthew and I don't know how to make this situation better.

I look forward to and welcome any advice.

Thank you!


Basherte
by Silver Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 3:19 PM
1 mom liked this

What I would do here is have his dad speak up for you as well. And correct him when he disrespects you. It seems that no one has told him that it is wrong for him to speak to you in this manner, except for you (going by the post alone).... I think it would go a long way for him to know that his dad doesn't approve of the disrespect that he is showing you. Having his father not say anything is kinda telling him that it's okay for him to treat you this way, and it won't stop until he learns from a male figure (his dad) that it isn't okay to treat you like that.

*hugs* You are doing a great job.

Basherte
by Silver Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 3:20 PM

It doesn't sound like asd or ptsd that is causing this behavior, at least to me, and no I'm not a therapist or anything like that


Callarlilly
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:42 PM

Sorry, I forgot to mention that Matthew's been in therapy since late Oct. 2010.

Thanks though. :)

Callarlilly
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 5:15 PM

Basherte, I am so sorry to have painted an ill picture of my Husband.

Travis DOES take up for me and does so often...he's 'Old School' and works hard to ensure that Matthew understands that this is not how girls/women are to be treated...it just isn't sticking. It's the darnedest thing! 

I guess that's why I'm at such a loss...according to Matthew's therapists, we're doing everything right, so I don't get it...honestly, niether do they. We've actually had two therapists back out on us saying that they can't do anything for him...Matthew is that "tough a nut to crack". It's ridiculous! We've been through trauma therapy, cognitive therapy and right now it's just general counseling until we can get a referral to another specialist..

I agree with you though, as far as this behavior possibly being something other than PTSD or ASD. I tend to wonder if it isn't related to loyalty issues with his Mom; something akin to pleasing the abuser? 

Big hugs for your post!

kinshipcaremama
by Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 5:33 PM
3 moms liked this
Just a suggestion but you might want to research Reactive Attachment Disorder. A lot of what you described sounds like RAD.
GELiz
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 6:05 PM

When a child makes rude comments at the table, he is the one that should have to leave, not you. You and your husband need to make some rules about rude behaviors and target those. It sounds like the Dad is allowing this to go on. You are being disrespected and you should withdraw some of your attention to him when that behavior is shown.

I would say, So-and -so, you may sit at my table as long as you do not .......... fill in the blank. the moment you do those things, your dinner will be over and you will go to your room until we are done eating. Then you may come and finish your meal by yourself or do not eat more- your choice. That is how I would deal with that.

Lilbit0700
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 6:58 PM

 Try neoufeedback . He needs cousleing.

countrybummken
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 7:08 PM
2 moms liked this

I agree with GELiz.

I'm just a mom, but I have seen this work with my own disrespectful son: forget the patience and explaining, and start disciplining and stick to your guns (and I by all means am not saying that you don't do this)! These children sometimes do not understand explanations. I know my son doesn't. I have tried giving him the "this is the outcome if you do this" speech and it doesn't matter, he will do it any way. He does however understand when I take something away or make him stay in his room for bad behavior.

When your stepson sneaks his phone, take it away, and keep it away. Along with you sitting at the table and eating dinner, if he complains, take it away and tell him he can make himself something else. The only way you are going to get the respect you deserve is to discipline and stick to your guns. I did not realize this until I seen it with my own two eyes with the help of my mother-in-law (of all people...lol). He will eventually stop. As for the chewing out from the "mom". He was taken away for a reason. I would simply say to her, "when you can talk to an adult in an adult manner, then we can discuss the matter" and hang up. She has no right to criticize you and you have no obligation to put up with it.   

Bluerose1482
by Bronze Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:12 PM
3 moms liked this

I don't think that laying down the law is going to work with this child.  I think that he's been hurt very deeply by his mother, and he probably feels guilty for loving you and scared that he'll lose you (because you are so good to him).  I encourage you to vent and blow off steam if you need to.  In fact, feel free to message me anytime, I'll be happy to listen.  If you need to take a couple of day break from him, do so.  However, I think that in the end he will be won over by the love, kindness and understanding that you are showing. 

I am absolutely not suggesting that he shouldn't have consequences for being rude to you, I'm just guessing that you are already doing that if you are using a behavior program.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)