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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

About to lose my mind.....

Posted by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:46 PM
  • 6 Replies

Ok so today I was to take my son Matthew to read to his old class today at 145.....I went to pick up my younger one at prek early so I can get to him in time.....there was so much traffic that we were late....when we went to pick up Matthew he was ok when we got to his old school we were 10 min late so we couldn't be the mystery reader...well Matthew started to flair up but the teacher said the class would come to say hi, I told Matthew that and he went into a full blown attack....he threw himself on the floor crying and then ran out of the school down the block....he did this 3 times.....I told them that could have ice cream after then I told Matthew he couldn't bc he ran away and didn't listen....but I caved and gave it to him anyway....

How do you handle these situations? The whole class was staring at him.....I wanted to cry so badly.....do punish him? At least for the running away? If so how? Do I yell? What do I say? I am amshamed to say this but I felt embarrased is this worng?  

I really feel like I am going to lose my mind when he does this.........Please some advice.

by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:46 PM
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kajira
by Emma on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:57 PM

I would have felt embarassed. I wouldn't have caved and gave him ice cream... but I would have taken it as a time to talk about how to better express his upset/frustration, try to be sympathetic about the situation with out rewarding the bad choices he made.

You can't control traffic, now's a good time to talk about how life sometimes makes it so things don't happen as planned and the next time if he can acknowledge his feelings and not freak out the way he did, you'll reward him for trying hard to accept it. (i.e. promise the ice cream NEXT time, and don't give in to him just because you felt bad fo rhim.)

Life isn't always going to go as planned, I would have offered a hug, and a squeeze and trying to be understanding of his feelings, but he still can't act out because he's upset. This is where you'd start teaching better coping strategies.

i.e. Okay, I know this didn't work out, so lets practice some breathing, 10 deep breathes and we can talk more, if you don't want ot talk now, lets move on with our day and we can try to talk about how you felt over some ice cream later.

but the key is focusing on the calming stuff. Holding on to him tight, rubbing his back, acknowledging his feelings, being logical, explaining why it happened, and what you can do instead of he can try to calm down.

lucasmadre
by Kari on Feb. 15, 2013 at 3:07 PM

Of course this is just my opinion but I can't say I blame him for being so upset. He was clearly looking forward to seeing his old class and being the mystery reader and I am sure he was incredibly disappointed. Our kids take things so seriously and let downs are monumental for them. I know it is embarrasing and upsetting but I "get" why he was so upset. I don't think this is so much about bad behavior as it is about disappointment and not being able to control how hurt and angry he was. Try and talk to him about how he was feeling and tell him you are sorry for letting him down...Sorry that something that was meant to be so special ended up being so hard for everyone.  XO


kajira
by Emma on Feb. 15, 2013 at 3:10 PM

She didn't let him down, traffic happened. I disagree with that line, though tthe rest I agree with.

It's not anymore his mom's fault than it is his. What happened was traffic.

Quoting lucasmadre:

Of course this is just my opinion but I can't say I blame him for being so upset. He was clearly looking forward to seeing his old class and being the mystery reader and I am sure he was incredibly disappointed. Our kids take things so seriously and let downs are monumental for them. I know it is embarrasing and upsetting but I "get" why he was so upset. I don't think this is so much about bad behavior as it is about disappointment and not being able to control how hurt and angry he was. Try and talk to him about how he was feeling and tell him you are sorry for letting him down...Sorry that something that was meant to be so special ended up being so hard for everyone.  XO



Living with Autism - The quirky kitty.

Our autistic Family - A Dad's point of view on living with Autism

lucasmadre
by Kari on Feb. 15, 2013 at 3:23 PM

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that she intentionally let him down, but sometimes things happen that are out of our control and we do let our kids down by accident. I know with my son, when I say I am sorry, it helps him get over a disappointment faster. I in no way meant that she (you) did anything intentionally wrong I was only trying to think of a way to defuse the situation. "I'm sorry" sometimes opens the dialog and you can talk about how to avoid future blow ups...if what I wrote offended you or hurt you I am TRULY sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I have been exactly in your shoes many times and it is so hard...it is embarrassing and you can't help feeling like there is something you could have done to prevent it but sometimes it is just inevitable. We try so hard to predict what is going to happen for our kids to avoid these situations but in the end some times it just can't be helped. I am so sorry that you had this kind of day. It takes me a long time to get over the "trama" of a day like that, feel better and again I am so sorry if I said the wrong thing, the wrong way!! Please forgive me!

kajira
by Emma on Feb. 15, 2013 at 3:39 PM
1 mom liked this

Taking responsbility for things out of your control isn't always a good lesson either, you have to be careful with kids who take things literally, I actually struggled more with people apologizing for things out of their control growing up because it made me blame them and feel like if they said sorry, it meant they could do something to fix it.

I think it's better for some kids, depending on how literal they tend to be, to be realistic about what happened, and if it wasn't something you could control, you don't apologize for something that isn't your fault, or something you could change.

I do think being sympathic for their feelings and acknowledging how they feel, and that you feel bad that traffic screwed stuff up is a great thing to do, just, be careful using the sorry word when she can't actually change traffic, and it's not her fault.

This is me being literal and getting fixated on that word, it really bugged me as a kid too. LOL

Quoting lucasmadre:

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that she intentionally let him down, but sometimes things happen that are out of our control and we do let our kids down by accident. I know with my son, when I say I am sorry, it helps him get over a disappointment faster. I in no way meant that she (you) did anything intentionally wrong I was only trying to think of a way to defuse the situation. "I'm sorry" sometimes opens the dialog and you can talk about how to avoid future blow ups...if what I wrote offended you or hurt you I am TRULY sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I have been exactly in your shoes many times and it is so hard...it is embarrassing and you can't help feeling like there is something you could have done to prevent it but sometimes it is just inevitable. We try so hard to predict what is going to happen for our kids to avoid these situations but in the end some times it just can't be helped. I am so sorry that you had this kind of day. It takes me a long time to get over the "trama" of a day like that, feel better and again I am so sorry if I said the wrong thing, the wrong way!! Please forgive me!


Living with Autism - The quirky kitty.

Our autistic Family - A Dad's point of view on living with Autism

lucasmadre
by Kari on Feb. 15, 2013 at 6:27 PM
1 mom liked this

Well, your insight is always valuable as you have a unique perspective into the thoughts of our kids. I would have never have thought of it that way...thanks.

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