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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

My friend also has a son on the spectrum. She told me yesterday that people always give her the looks when her son has a tantrum in school or in public places. I have the feeling she feels ashamed of her son. She really cares about what other people think. Her son is 8 and my son is 4. I am scared that I would might feel the same some day. I do not tell all people around me that my son is on the spectrum, but I just do it to protect him. He does act "normal" most of the time, though. Sometimes I really question his dx of Aspergers.

Does anyone believe that kids grow out of their dx? I would like to hear about your kids and how they are now. Plus, I am very very proud of my son and I would not want to change anything about him. However, I would like to know if kids grow out of meeting the criteria in your opinion. My son is not receiving any therapies because our insurance does not cover it. And Child Find is not seeing him eligible eventhough he has meltdowns when it comes to taking turns or change.

by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:01 AM
Replies (11-20):
KatyTylersMom
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 9:28 PM
2 moms liked this

It's hard when your kid is melting down whether it's age appropriate or not, NT or ASD, having other parents looking on and judging you is never going to be a comfortable feeling. BUT feeling uncomfortable does not mean that you are embarrassed or ashamed of your child, it means that you're human and in a rather difficult position.  You'd probably feel the same level of discomfort if you felt people were judging your clothing choices, hair, intelligence, career, or any of the other million and a half things we humans judge each other on every day:)  It's just harder when it's someone judging your kid and by proxy your parenting skills because everyone has bad hair days, everyone wears an outfit that was not the best looking, but NOT EVERYONE HAS AN AUTISTIC KID.

The sad part is, even if you shouted (loudly, to be heard over the meltdown in progress) "HE HAS AUTISM AND THIS IS NOT A RESULT OF BAD PARENTING, QUITE THE OPPOSITE AS WE'VE WORKED HARD TO GET HIM TO THE POINT WHERE WE CAN BE OUT IN PUBLIC" most of your average every day onlookers won't understand. Hell even our close family and friends don't REALLY understand.  If you don't live it every day then it's just all the more difficult to accept that really a spanking or other punishment won't fix it. 

So we educate the people who are open to learning about autism, we try to ignore the ones who just stare, and sometimes we get confrontational with the idiots who feel self-righteous enough to try to educate US on parenting our children.  It's never going to be easy and sometimes it's all TOO easy to let the idiots get in our heads and make us question our own parenting decisions.  But hopefully that's why we're in this group:)

Telephus44
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 9:37 PM

Totally agree with KatyTylersMom.  It's not about being embarassed of your child, it's being uncomfortable because you're being judged.


And about growing out of it - I'm not sure.  My son was diagnosed at 3-1/2 and at 6-1/2 there's a lot of behaviors that he no longer exhibits.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that there's some things he will always do, but he's also just "grown out of" certain things.  I don't believe that there's a "cure" for autism, but I do believe that it can get better.  I read somewhere when he was first diagnosed that the higher the IQ of the child, the better the outcome - because even if he doesn't naturally understand something, the smarter they are the better they can learn it.  DS hasn't had an official IQ test, but the school system estimated his IQ at 140, so I think in some ways that's why he's doing much better now than he was 3 years ago.  We're currently doing therapies and medication, but I think there's a lot of gains that I can't attribute to interventions.


darbyakeep45
by Darby on Mar. 14, 2013 at 7:01 AM
2 moms liked this

I don't personally think my son will outgrow his diagnosis.  I'm not ashamed of him either...I think he's the cutest thing in the world!  The "autistic" traits he has are just precious to me:)

she-ra2000
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 8:44 AM

My son's meltdowns aren't that bad Iguess. But I know it's hard to accept the stares and snares, but you just have to remind yourself that they don't know , therefore they don't understand.You just can't let it get to you.

Hottubgodess
by Jackie on Mar. 14, 2013 at 11:15 AM
1 mom liked this

No.  Our kids are doign nothing wrong.  I guess I should be ashamed I am blonde going grey?  It is a neurological issue they have no control over.  

joel2010
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 11:52 AM

well i am not ashma of my son but when others start looking at him when something happens or whatever i do look at them and as look he has this and this is what comes with it at times so we deal with it this way and if you want to help fine it not fine.  when we are at a place to eat and something happen i do tell the waitress i am sorry for the screaming parts and let know what is going on and she will then noraml do what they can to help also with so that helps.  i do not do that to say it is atham or him from it all but it is just o infom others.  we know from what the doc has dx our son with he is got it but we ask for it not to be put down yet for our son is also do to other things still over a year behind so we want that to be at a  2 year old part also before having it on his charts but he still works with everyone for it and all that it is a good thing

Mi_Chelly
by Bronze Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 12:08 PM
I wouldn't say I was ashamed, but I used to also worry about how others saw us. We have a very unique family as is, and our little ASD guy added to it. Before he was born, we were well liked when we went out, everyone commenting on how well behaved the older kids behaved, even had a family buy us a meal once due to how well behaved the kids were. After our son was born, he was still good, he slept in his stroller whenever we were out. Once he got mobile, it grew tough. He didn't respond, didn't acknowledge anything but what was in his world. We had no clue what was going on (Peds wrote it off on having such older siblings for years). We never stopped going out, but we learned to do so more around his moods. We never put him in a setting that would cause him distress and if he showed signes of a meltdown we went home. Now, I don't care. Yes we have been talked about, rather rudely and loudly before at restraunts and such, but we still go about our lives. Looking back now, I am ashamed, but only at myself. I was young, dumb, and out to prove something. Now, I am older and realize I don't have anything to prove, I already know I have the most awesome family and the best set of kids.
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mommy4lyf
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 12:21 PM

I think mine was one of the children that as he grows up, the signs, autistic behavior lessens, sensory issues is near normal and etc... I never felt ashamed of him. We took him to the store, restaurant, vacations and pretty much everywhere. The only look I got is the look of envy because they know that my son is well taken care of and disciplined. The hand gestures or facial expressions are part of being who he is, it may shows once in awhile but who cares. When you love your child it shows...other people sees it.

LIMom1105
by Silver Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 12:22 PM

To answer your initial question, I do not think we should every be ashamed of our children.  That said, I have to admit, there are times when my son's behavior embarasses me (really more his misbehavior).  We still go out though, and accpet or try to make playdates with other children, go to the park, all the basic kid stuff.  It's not uncommon.  I'm doing a storytime for special needs children, and the parents have said they are really happy to have that group because they do not feel judged by the other parents or me.  As for your son, have you approached your school district?  If you find he's having too much trouble functioning in a school setting, he may need additional supports and therapy.  Every school has a CPSE committee to evaluate children who are not in elementary school yet.  

My son has times when he appears "normal" too, but I don't think he will outgrow his diagnosis. As he gets older, I think he has learned to better deal with some situations, and I have learned how to deal better with him. At some point when he's older still, I have the feeling he may be more noticeably different than the other kids.  Right now at 5, he's doing okay, but I know he still needs support and therapy to some degree.

LIMom1105
by Silver Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 12:24 PM

Yes, this is it exactly.  I wrote in my post that I have been ashamed at times, but I couldn't think of the right word--ashamed wasn't it.  Thank you!

Quoting Telephus44:

Totally agree with KatyTylersMom.  It's not about being embarassed of your child, it's being uncomfortable because you're being judged.


And about growing out of it - I'm not sure.  My son was diagnosed at 3-1/2 and at 6-1/2 there's a lot of behaviors that he no longer exhibits.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that there's some things he will always do, but he's also just "grown out of" certain things.  I don't believe that there's a "cure" for autism, but I do believe that it can get better.  I read somewhere when he was first diagnosed that the higher the IQ of the child, the better the outcome - because even if he doesn't naturally understand something, the smarter they are the better they can learn it.  DS hasn't had an official IQ test, but the school system estimated his IQ at 140, so I think in some ways that's why he's doing much better now than he was 3 years ago.  We're currently doing therapies and medication, but I think there's a lot of gains that I can't attribute to interventions.



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