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Having trouble coping with life (vent) - UPDATED

Posted by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 6:44 PM
  • 32 Replies

Hey ladies, I feel like I'm having a really difficult time coping with my life lately. I haven't really felt like myself for a couple of years now, but lately things have just gotten really bad and I've been resorting to alcohol out of desperation, which is REALLY not like me. 

In the last year I found out that my husband has dependent personality disorder, my son started early intervention, I was diagnosed with Aspergers, I had to quit doing freelance work (my dream) to take care of my son, my father passed away unexpectedly, my sister began physically abusing my recently widowed mother, and we made the decision to relocate and put our house on the market. It's been one thing after another, and there is no sign of the stress ending any time soon. 

I've been seeing a therapist (behavioral), because I truly do *want* help, but he just let me a message the other day informing me that he's leaving the region and therefore cannot see me any longer. He wasn't incredibly helpful, but it was better than nothing. 

I'm just kind of at my wits end. I'm already paying out of pocket for my son to go to a daycare program for 12 hours per week so that I can try to "get it together" during that time. It's been a lifesaver, but I'm still incredibly overwhelmed and depressed. 

I'm totally open to suggestions, but I feel like I've exhausted all of my options already. Thanks for listening :) 

by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 6:44 PM
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by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 7:05 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through so much!  It sounds like an overwhelming amount for anyone to deal with! 

by Bronze Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 7:18 PM

Try to find another councilor one who has experience working with special needs issues.  Some advice that I have received is to try to accept that everyone is doing the best they can with the situation.  That means your husband is doing the best he can, you are doing the best you can, and your son is doing the best he can.  Good Luck!

by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 7:21 PM

When I'm overwhelmed, I try to just take some me-time to meditate and breath. Maybe you can try the same or if you're not into that, consider a pilates or yoga class. Do look for another therapist. Someone you feel is more helpful. 

Good luck! I know what it's like, I've pretty much been there for the last 4 years myself. 

by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 7:27 PM
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I'm not one to push pills but depression is a real, physical disorder and is very common in the families of people with autism.  There are great medications out there which CAN help you.  That is not to say that you should stop seeing a talk-therapist to figure out better coping mechanisms, feel supported in your decisions, and have that sounding wall to rely on when the chips are down - that is all incredibly important to have for yourself.  But sometimes you can talk over all the problems, come up with all the solutions, and still feel like a worn out stressed out piece of crappola, and that is when it's time to consider if an antidepressant can help you FEEL all the good you are doing.

I have battled major depression myself since my son was born - I was likely mildly depressed before but post-partum hit like a TON of bricks and while it's now 3 years post, the partum won't let go.  It was amazing, and slightly humbling, to realize how much of my personality was lost when I was depressed, how many negative thoughts were constantly attacking my peace of mind but were so easily silenced by one little Zoloft pill.  For me it worked literally overnight.  All the stressors the problems the worries were still there of course, but suddenly my coping skills were also RIGHT THERE where they had always been but I hadn't been able to access them.  So yes, life did go on as it had before, but now I felt I could deal with it - the little things that had been dancing the tango on my last nerve now no longer bothered me.  My energy was back and my drive to get things done resurfaced.  All the times I snapped or yelled or cried or ranted or couldn't take ONE MORE FREAKING THING GOING WRONG and then felt horrible for feeling those ways and attributed those thoughts and feelings to ME being a bad person or some other negative SELF attribute I realized were because I was SICK and I wasn't MYSELF.  So.  I don't mean to be a walking advertisement for SSRI's or antidepressants in general but they DO WORK and they CAN HELP.  Maybe when things calm down you will find that you can go without but don't beat yourself up and make the mistake of telling yourself you are weak or bad because you are having trouble coping just because your brain isn't getting what it needs to function well. 

If you are loathe to try prescription medications immediately, try some herbal supplements which can be had at any grocery store: St. John's Wort once in the morning and once at night can help stabilize mood, and 5-HTP provides the building blocks to make your own serotonin - try it at night first as it can cause drowsiness - you can start at 100mg and go up as you see fit.  My 4 year old takes 400mg a day for example and BOY does it help stabilize her mood and keep her happy as opposed to chronically fussy and irritable. 

by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 7:50 PM
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You may need a little Prozac or something.. I had to take Wellbutrin for a while when I was in a similar situation a year and half ago... 

I understand the overwhelming feeling you are having... mine was soooo intense, I can not really explain it. I am assuming you are in similar pain.

So I took meds and did therapy. I suggest finding a good therapist, maybe someone who understands adult aspergers.

You need to absolutely 100% take care of you first... everyone depends on you... so it's okay to focus on yourself.

I found things that calmed me, I love yoga and pilates (you can find these on youtube and online no class required) Also running alleviated so much stress . Get a punching bag, beat the crap out of it... anything... Alcohol really makes it worse, i think you know that. So these are some things to substitute the alcohol. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. But you can turn it around, and I think you are willing. Meditation also helps. I have a hard time sitting still, so I do a slow yoga routine instead... It quietens my mind. But if you have the ability to meditate do it!

Tackle the things you can control and let the rest fall into place. Easier said than done, I know. I have serious control issues, so that was really a hard one for me to tackle. It took some serious soul searching too.

Keep a journal... write any and every thought in it...

I know you can do it, if I can get through it you can too...

Although I don't *know* you, i want you to know I understand and am here to support you. You can PM me anytime you need, and I mean that. If you want to know more about my struggles, PM me... I bet you can relate to me.

by Kari on Apr. 16, 2013 at 7:59 PM

Maybe that therapist did you a favor. Look for a new one to see...and don't wait (I recommend finding a woman.) You need support to help you get through this period, no one can face this kind of transition without help. I am truly sorry that you are facing so many hardships at once. Try to have faith that things will get better and some day you will wake up again and feel good. In the meantime try and take care of yourself, do whatever you can to replenish your energy so you can continue to care and protect your family. I wish I had an answer for you that would make you feel better right away, but I can say I have been though a period like you are talking about where my whole life crumbled down around me and I made it out and I am rebuilding my life every day. Try to believe in the power of positive thinking. I know you can't be positive all the time but try to count your blessings and remember what you DO have...good luck honey.  XO

by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 8:07 PM
I know the feeling and you are not alone. The important thing is to find a new therapist that you feel comfortable with.

Are there other moms going through similar things that you can talk to?

Also, what do you enjoy? What are your strengths? Focus on those things as an outlet to all the situations.
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by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 8:39 PM
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This might sound really silly or flaky, but watch the movie The Secret. There is a book called Happiness is a Choice by Barry Neil Kaufman, he is the father of the boy wth autism that the Son-Rise Program was developed for. Its just a gentle reminder that you can create your joy, and perception is what you make it. It sounds like you have a lot going on, and its decidedly stressful. I always figure if you have a good reason in life to be under stress and depressed, then (in my opinion) its not worth medicating for it, you have every right to be feeling those emotions, but don't let them direct your day either, feel them, acknowledge them and then move through them.You have to face them some day.

Exercise is a great stress relief too, if you can take a few moments to yourself, go outside, take a quiet walk and listen to your favorite music. It always seems really hard while your're in it to feel like you will ever feel differently, but trust that some day you will feel right again.

Violet's Mom

Twitter @autismnotebook

by Gold Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:33 PM

You need to find another therapist that you like and will help you.

by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 11:37 PM
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i hear ya , been there , i am  sending you  STRENGTH , strength to  keep your priorities straight , take care of yourself for your kid.

 stay with us , and keep us posted , ok

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