Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

DS is strong. an attempted chair time-out ended up with a fight

Posted by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:03 AM
  • 9 Replies

 DS, 5, spilled out my entire bottle of Dr Bronners soap. It's just an object. Really, it isn't a big deal. But in the moment, I wanted ds to have a time out. He knows better than to do something like THAT!  I told him he needed a 5 minute chair time out, which did not go well. I had to alternate between picking him up (he's 40 lbs) and dragging him by his arm. Then to sit him down I had to push him. He turned red trying to fight me. It was awful! I gave in and sat on the couch to cool off. He was crying and kept trying to hug me. He calmed down and I gave him a nice talking-to about the situation. Then we moved on. The rest of the evening was great. So...next time. What can I do? Time outs are more than a scream fest. I mean he is a physically strong kid! He even fights DH sometimes. DH is 250 lbs.

by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:03 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-9):
unusualmom
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:12 AM

My 9 year old fights - he weighs 62 lbs.  Time outs dont work. :(  

she-ra2000
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:55 AM

My heart goes out to you. My son doesn't try to fight us. Hegets a little ruff with his older sister's sometimes when they're getting to him. He huffs and puffs at us and runs off to his room, but that's about it.

TheJerseyGirl
by Michele on Apr. 24, 2013 at 1:53 PM
My son is so darn good that we never experienced that ! I hope someone has some good advice
KatyTylersMom
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 3:47 PM
1 mom liked this

So the first thing you have to do is determine if you want time-out to be a serious part of your parenting.  Because for some kids with ASD it isn't as effective as something else.  So if you think that him knocking over the bottle and you telling him you are very mad and that he doesn't get XX activity for the next hour OR he has to go to his room OR he has to go do XX chore to make up for it OR you two go have a serious discussion on the couch and work it out is enough, then stick with that. 

If you want to do a time out then it has to be highly structured, very ritualized, and you have to persist through his trying to get out of the time-out until the very end when HE not YOU 'gives up' and accepts the time-out.  We do time-outs in my house, it took a while for my daughter to accept it, now it's no big deal and generally it helps her to calm down by herself.  And disclaimer right here:  Everything I know about time-outs I learned from SuperNanny who is my personal heroine:)

I think for a time-out to be effective it can't be something where you have to physcially restrain the child into the time-out spot.  For sure, have that designated time-out chair, explain to him firmly and clearly what he did wrong, lead him to the chair, tell him he has to sit there for 5 min (set timer) and then either leave the area or turn your back on him. 

Now.  Ain't now way he's staying in that chair right?  So he gets up and starts to leave.  You turn around, get a solid but not ripping his arm off hold on him again, bring him back to the chair, again stating firmly and clearly (same words, same inflection, you are a time-out robot here) what he did wrong and that now he's in time out for 5 min.  And again.  And again.  As many times as he gets up, slides down in a heap, flips the chair over, flails all over the place, w/e he's doing that's NOT sitting in that chair you calmly and endlessly bring him back to that time-out spot, explaining the whole time that he did X so now he's in time out for 5 min. (I'll add right here that making them sit in a spot on the floor can save your back!)  And he isn't getting out of time-out until he's calm and in that chair for the full 5 min.  (Set a timer esp for ASD kids so they can see it and see it being reset every single time they get up). 

Anyhow, the idea is not to fight, not to yell, not to show anger or sadness or despair or grief, just to be the Time-Out Mommy Robot who will never give up, never tire, and will never let you out of that time-out until you are calm and have sat there for the designated amount of time.  It's hard and kids can be incredibly stubborn so be prepared for an hour+ long battle of wills the first time.  But if you do it right the first time the kid will understand that they didn't get out of it and won't in the future and then the battles decrease or cease all together. 

darbyakeep45
by Darby on Apr. 24, 2013 at 3:53 PM

Hugs mama!  I honestly don't have experience with this but wish you the best!

Owl_Feather
by Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 5:05 PM

 thank you. It seems that in time-out scenerios, a sit-down and discussion works best. We have had many  failed attempts at time out. Many times DH even stays in the room with him and the majority of the time DS is just freaking out and crying. Once he cools down, we do the talking-to part and he comprehends. So perhaps we just have to eliminate the time-out part. Or find something that will work for him instead of physically holding him down on the chair. I certainly don't want to traumatize him, if I havent already. Thank you for putting it into perspective. I feel better knowing that typical time-outs truly arent for every family.

joel2010
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 5:20 PM
not sure if this will help it is something i just heard and seen. but instead of calling it a timeout it was swicth to thinking time or cool down time so we can then talkk about it all. they can sit thiere and think and wrtie just them and then have them come to you whe done and ready to talk. this maybe something that helps for yo.
Quoting Owl_Feather:

 thank you. It seems that in time-out scenerios, a sit-down and discussion works best. We have had many  failed attempts at time out. Many times DH even stays in the room with him and the majority of the time DS is just freaking out and crying. Once he cools down, we do the talking-to part and he comprehends. So perhaps we just have to eliminate the time-out part. Or find something that will work for him instead of physically holding him down on the chair. I certainly don't want to traumatize him, if I havent already. Thank you for putting it into perspective. I feel better knowing that typical time-outs truly arent for every family.


Owl_Feather
by Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 5:24 PM

 that's a GREAT idea! I always explain to DS that time-out isnt a bad thing; it's a time to calm down and think. Renaming it in the first place is a great idea!

Quoting joel2010:

not sure if this will help it is something i just heard and seen. but instead of calling it a timeout it was swicth to thinking time or cool down time so we can then talkk about it all. they can sit thiere and think and wrtie just them and then have them come to you whe done and ready to talk. this maybe something that helps for yo.
Quoting Owl_Feather:

 thank you. It seems that in time-out scenerios, a sit-down and discussion works best. We have had many  failed attempts at time out. Many times DH even stays in the room with him and the majority of the time DS is just freaking out and crying. Once he cools down, we do the talking-to part and he comprehends. So perhaps we just have to eliminate the time-out part. Or find something that will work for him instead of physically holding him down on the chair. I certainly don't want to traumatize him, if I havent already. Thank you for putting it into perspective. I feel better knowing that typical time-outs truly arent for every family.


 

newmommy430
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 7:20 PM
We do the Supernanny time out method too. It works, but it takes a while and you have to be consistent.

Instead of doing Logan's physical age we went by his developmental age.


Quoting KatyTylersMom:

So the first thing you have to do is determine if you want time-out to be a serious part of your parenting.  Because for some kids with ASD it isn't as effective as something else.  So if you think that him knocking over the bottle and you telling him you are very mad and that he doesn't get XX activity for the next hour OR he has to go to his room OR he has to go do XX chore to make up for it OR you two go have a serious discussion on the couch and work it out is enough, then stick with that. 

If you want to do a time out then it has to be highly structured, very ritualized, and you have to persist through his trying to get out of the time-out until the very end when HE not YOU 'gives up' and accepts the time-out.  We do time-outs in my house, it took a while for my daughter to accept it, now it's no big deal and generally it helps her to calm down by herself.  And disclaimer right here:  Everything I know about time-outs I learned from SuperNanny who is my personal heroine:)

I think for a time-out to be effective it can't be something where you have to physcially restrain the child into the time-out spot.  For sure, have that designated time-out chair, explain to him firmly and clearly what he did wrong, lead him to the chair, tell him he has to sit there for 5 min (set timer) and then either leave the area or turn your back on him. 

Now.  Ain't now way he's staying in that chair right?  So he gets up and starts to leave.  You turn around, get a solid but not ripping his arm off hold on him again, bring him back to the chair, again stating firmly and clearly (same words, same inflection, you are a time-out robot here) what he did wrong and that now he's in time out for 5 min.  And again.  And again.  As many times as he gets up, slides down in a heap, flips the chair over, flails all over the place, w/e he's doing that's NOT sitting in that chair you calmly and endlessly bring him back to that time-out spot, explaining the whole time that he did X so now he's in time out for 5 min. (I'll add right here that making them sit in a spot on the floor can save your back!)  And he isn't getting out of time-out until he's calm and in that chair for the full 5 min.  (Set a timer esp for ASD kids so they can see it and see it being reset every single time they get up). 

Anyhow, the idea is not to fight, not to yell, not to show anger or sadness or despair or grief, just to be the Time-Out Mommy Robot who will never give up, never tire, and will never let you out of that time-out until you are calm and have sat there for the designated amount of time.  It's hard and kids can be incredibly stubborn so be prepared for an hour+ long battle of wills the first time.  But if you do it right the first time the kid will understand that they didn't get out of it and won't in the future and then the battles decrease or cease all together. 

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN