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Emotions and guilt?

Posted by on May. 24, 2013 at 6:12 PM
  • 11 Replies

I have a 4 year old with Aspergers who also has a sensory processing disorder. Sometimes I feel bad because I have a child on the spectrum, even though he's at the high end. It doesn't help that his biological father has nothing to do with him nor does most of his father's family. I feel angry because I'm the one that has to deal with it (along with my husband). I also feel a lot of guilt because I feel like I shouldn't feel bad about the diagnosis because it's "just Aspergers" and he could be a lot lower on the spectrum so it's like it doesn't really matter. I also have a 7 month old who is developmentally delayed and needs PT and possibly OT.  I am worried he may eventually diagnosed on the spectrum too. Part of this was just a vent and part is just indirectly asking if it is normal to feel like this...?

by on May. 24, 2013 at 6:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MissTacoBell
by Bronze Member on May. 24, 2013 at 6:22 PM
Totally normal IMO. Ds has autism and I'm TERRIFIED dd (13 mod) will also have it. I pick apart everything she does to the point that dh gets annoyed and tells me I'm paranoid.

Just keep your head up my dear. We all walk a tough line. Don't lament of the people who don't care; surround yourself with people who do and understand.
SAMI_JO
by on May. 24, 2013 at 6:38 PM

 If you didn't feel that way you wouldn't be normal. We all get so exhausted that we let guilt take over and say "it's my fault" NO IT ISN'T! sometimes it just happens without reason, but even if you knew the exact reason why it wouldn't change anything. As for the biodad, we are in the same situation, except we made an agreement when I told him I was pregnant, and he said "I Don't Want ANYMORE kids" so I said, OK I'll raising him without you, no CS for NO visitation (he treats his other kids like toys, gets them when HE wants to play with them, but pays NOTHING to support them either." And so for the past 14 years we haven't seen nor heard from him or his family. Looking back now, I am glad for what I did, because his biodad does not have the patients that it takes to take care of my child for even 2 days. Like you I remaried to a wonderful man who love ds as his own, and has totally been responsible for him. I am so blessed and so are you.

lucasmadre
by Kari on May. 24, 2013 at 8:52 PM

Of course it is normal to feel this way. I think we all have our moments where we wish things were different or we feel overwhelmed. You are human, and a mom who loves her son and wishes things were easy for him. But this is the way I have been looking at it lately...my son is really interesting, he has a wonderful imagination and a real love of life. He has taught me so much about what is really important and about how what others think really and truly doesn't matter. 

I am a single mom and although my son's father is in his life he doesn't do any of the hard stuff so I know what you mean about feeling like you do it alone but if he were involved then you would have to compromise with someone you clearly don't get along with...it isn't easy to do. 

I am a firm believer in feeling the feelings, expressing them and then when you are ready...move on. Be angry and sad but don't waste your time feeling guilty you have nothing to feel guilty about, it is hard to raise any child, no matter what the situation. My son has the same diagnosis as yours plus learning disabilites and is 9 now and doing great. Post when you feel overwhelmed, that is what we are here for! Welcome to the group...XO

johnns
by on May. 25, 2013 at 6:24 AM
It sucks- 1st 90 days can be pretty rough. My Sally is 4+, was dx in Nov. 6 months have flown by, with a whole bunch of emotions mixed with it. 6 months ago made it 'official', but we've been dealing with it her whole life and didn't know it (officially)
You know,bee put her in special ed preschool like doc suggested, and we are seeing lots of progress.
Once you start working a therapy and seeing progress, it will give you hope.
All your feelings, know that all of us mommies have felt that too. It gets better, I promise. As with the dad, I still have my dh, but he us working out of state right now, and I'm here feeling like a single parent raising 3 kids- 16,13, & 4! So.....hang in there! It will be alright.
JTMOM422
by Platinum Member on May. 25, 2013 at 9:38 AM

So sorry to hear about your frustrations momma. I really don't know how to put this but when I read your post I did get a little upset. I have a child on the spectrum and dont consider him to be lower than aspergers and I was offended by the comparison. I am not trying to be rude. I just see ASD being equal not one being better than the other. They all have their issues. They all have their strong points. 

girl_incognito
by on May. 25, 2013 at 10:10 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm totally different... it is not always normal to feel this way...although I've read it's a typical emotion.

I feel bad for my child, and never for myself... I don't feel bad for autism, I feel bad for the way he is treated... I feel bad for the things he wants to do but gets excluded from... things like that.

I feel bad but in different ways.

I am being evaluated this summer for aspergers (where ever it falls in the ASD dx now)... so maybe that has something to do with my feelings and outlooks (more logical than emotional)

girl_incognito
by on May. 25, 2013 at 10:11 AM

I think all people on the spectrum have struggles. I am a mom to a son with aspergers...and I 100% agree with you... the functioning comparisions always get to me as well. Just like when people say it's "normal" to mourn the diagnosis and all people feel that way... no not everyone feels that way... not that it's wrong to feel upset, just not everyone handles it that way either.

Quoting JTMOM422:

So sorry to hear about your frustrations momma. I really don't know how to put this but when I read your post I did get a little upset. I have a child on the spectrum and dont consider him to be lower than aspergers and I was offended by the comparison. I am not trying to be rude. I just see ASD being equal not one being better than the other. They all have their issues. They all have their strong points. 


JTMOM422
by Platinum Member on May. 25, 2013 at 10:15 AM

Thank you for responding. I had thought about deleting my answer because I felt maybe I was too harsh. 

Quoting girl_incognito:

I think all people on the spectrum have struggles. I am a mom to a son with aspergers...and I 100% agree with you... the functioning comparisions always get to me as well. Just like when people say it's "normal" to mourn the diagnosis and all people feel that way... no not everyone feels that way... not that it's wrong to feel upset, just not everyone handles it that way either.

Quoting JTMOM422:

So sorry to hear about your frustrations momma. I really don't know how to put this but when I read your post I did get a little upset. I have a child on the spectrum and dont consider him to be lower than aspergers and I was offended by the comparison. I am not trying to be rude. I just see ASD being equal not one being better than the other. They all have their issues. They all have their strong points. 



girl_incognito
by on May. 25, 2013 at 10:23 AM

 I understand exactly what you meant and I bet other moms do too! you're welcome :D

Quoting JTMOM422:

Thank you for responding. I had thought about deleting my answer because I felt maybe I was too harsh. 

Quoting girl_incognito:

I think all people on the spectrum have struggles. I am a mom to a son with aspergers...and I 100% agree with you... the functioning comparisions always get to me as well. Just like when people say it's "normal" to mourn the diagnosis and all people feel that way... no not everyone feels that way... not that it's wrong to feel upset, just not everyone handles it that way either.

Quoting JTMOM422:

So sorry to hear about your frustrations momma. I really don't know how to put this but when I read your post I did get a little upset. I have a child on the spectrum and dont consider him to be lower than aspergers and I was offended by the comparison. I am not trying to be rude. I just see ASD being equal not one being better than the other. They all have their issues. They all have their strong points. 




kajira
by Emma on May. 25, 2013 at 2:39 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree, especially being an adult with autism who was diagnosed with classic autism. ^.^

I know people who have aspergers who struggle more then I do in a lot of areas, and areas where they perform or work better than I do... It all balances out in the long run and autism is autism is autism and it will be unique in each person. It's *all* autism.

With that said, To the OP : 

I have 2 kids, one's special needs/mentally ill - and I watch my NT daughter like a hawk. the key is her social development and common sense, and functionality is very clearly developmentally appropriate... she's quirky (how could she NOT be when she lives with quirky people? Kids mimic, that's part of how they learn, so her flapping or doing quirky behaviors aren't nessecarily a sign that she's developmentally off.)

When I was diagnosed, I asked a lot of questions about my daughter. Our autism doctor sat there, and pointed the differences to me in how my son developed, and how my daughter was developing as a toddler. My son was never shy, as a toddler, he would talk to *anyone* he had ZERO boundaries, he was a daredevil in a way that was incredibly self destructive, and now as an older kid, he's paranoid and won't try anything new with out a lot of pushing.

My daughter is cautious with strangers, she'll say hi to any kid under the age of like 10, but adults, she's shy with, which is really normal for 2, the fact she's more interested in her *peers* and kids, then adults, is a really good developmental sign. She can follow directions, she can do things her brother can't, for example, she can brush her teeth in circles when we bug her too, where-as my 9 year old still needs us to help show him how to brush his teeth every single day.

She doesn't have sensory issues like I do - she might flap or walk on her tip toes, or line things up, but she dances, walks, plays with toys correctly, and she partially flaps because I flap just walking through my house, it's what she's been exposed too, she's going to pick up some of my behaviors, simply because she lives with me. I also walk on my tip toes as an adult sometimes. She thinks it's funny. I don't see the need to correct her for being quirky, as long as she's socially appropriate, with no behavioral issues, she's just fine and I don't pick apart her behaviors.

the ONLY thing that concerned me was my daughters speech... my son's speech regressed, so I was paranoid when my daughter wasn't talking in full sentences like her brother was, turns out her brother had atypical speech development, he never babbled, and he regressed language wise between 3-4, he used to talk like a mini adult, who sounded like an 80 yer old lady.

Now, his sister at 2 1/2, has better sentence structure than he does at 9. So, even though I was worried because she wasn't talking in full sentences by 2, like her brother was, her speech was actually more developmentally appropriate than her brothers.

Instead of looking for signs of things being wrong, maybe try looking for signs of things being right. I know that helped ease some of my stress/worry about my toddler.

Quoting girl_incognito:

I think all people on the spectrum have struggles. I am a mom to a son with aspergers...and I 100% agree with you... the functioning comparisions always get to me as well. Just like when people say it's "normal" to mourn the diagnosis and all people feel that way... no not everyone feels that way... not that it's wrong to feel upset, just not everyone handles it that way either.

Quoting JTMOM422:

So sorry to hear about your frustrations momma. I really don't know how to put this but when I read your post I did get a little upset. I have a child on the spectrum and dont consider him to be lower than aspergers and I was offended by the comparison. I am not trying to be rude. I just see ASD being equal not one being better than the other. They all have their issues. They all have their strong points. 



Living with Autism - The quirky kitty.

Our autistic Family - A Dad's point of view on living with Autism

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