So depressed...have no idea what to do anymore
My son is 30 months old, and I have really have had such a difficult time as a mom. I don't know why, but it's just been so difficult for me and so hard at times. There are so many days and weeks that I simply don't even enjoy it. I tried going on an anti-depressant, but two that I tried made me so sick to my stomach.
I also am almost nine weeks pregnant and now am stressed by that. We did want a second child, and actually, for several months, I was doing so much better and thought maybe things would be fine. But the last month I have gone into such a deep depression that I am just...lost and honestly hate my life most days.
The reason that I am positing here is because there are some definite things that my son does that does not seem "typical" to me. I saw a therapist for awhile, and tried to cope with this, but she was convinced that I was projecting my anxieties on my son and blah blah blah.
Anyway, I am honestly looking for answers. Maybe he is not on the spectrum, but I am hoping maybe someone has another direction I could look in.
He started speech last year, and also received special education services since the county I live in automatically gives this with speech. He showed barely enough delay in speech at the time - he was 18 months then. He has since made tons of progress, hit a verbal explosion at age two, and now his speech therapist says he is pretty caught up with speech. His special education therapist is dismissing him in July at his next review. She said he is ahead in all areas, and can't keep him. I have spoken to her several times about my concerns about him being on the spectrum, and she has honestly done everything she could to convince me he isn't. She works mostly with autistic kids, and said she just does not see the signs. She even went and observed him with the kids at daycare once to see how he interacts with everyone, and after that called my husband, and said he is definitely not on the spectrum and encouraged me to see a therapist...which I did for awhile - the one I referred to.
I totally get that this sounds like I am a crazy mom. I know. But here are the things:
While he is caught up with speech and speaks functionally, and he also uses pronouns perfectly, which I guess according to both therapists are excellent signs and he does have friends he loves to play with (a few friends even that he asks to play with quite often, and interacts perfectly) and plays really well with the kids at daycare. The major thing is he is absolutely terrible to take to a party or anywhere new where he doesn't know anyone. He literally cries, whines, and will have me hold him as he buries his head into me. Today we had family over, and he absolutely wouldn't go near anyone. Would not even eat with anyone, which was awful. I also notice that he will sometimes cross his index finger over his middle finger, which I KNOW is a sign...so I know I am not totally crazy here. Granted, this is a rare thing and maybe he does it once a week, and I watch him like a hawk so I know he's not doing it more. I asked the special ed therapist about it, and she said she purposely watched for that while he was playing with the kids at daycare, and she said she didn't, and his DC provider said she has watched too and he doesn't. The therapist said that kids do pick up on anxietieis, and she honestly believes it is a part of it. And she has been so insanely nice, and never rude or condecending. I do think she has tried so hard to look at this as much as possible and do whatever she could. Even taking a few hours to watch him at daycare was something she totally didn't have to do.
The social anxiety thing is realy the only thing. Once in a great while he will spin in a circle for a minute, but that's it.
He plays functional with toys, he is affectionate, he doesn't have any issues with sensory things as far as I can tell.
He definitely is one to take awhile to adjust to any sort of change. It took him almost three full days to get used to wearing short sleeve shirts once it got warmer out. Things like that seem to bother him, little changes, but he does eventually move on. The short sleeve shirt was the biggest thing.
He's an active kid. Loves playing chase and running.
He pretends play. Mostly feeding his play animals. He does pretend play thing with his trains and car and does things with his super heros. He loves drawing pictures and telling me what they are - this is a new thing he just started doing.
Like I said, he does seem to interact well. And it is active in that he will demand to be played with. He will ask, like "daddy play trains!" or whatever. He always wants us to watch him do things. If he is on the playground, or drawing a picture or whatever he will say "mommy watch!"
I am just so ridiculously confused. I guess it really is mostly the social thing and new people.
And two other scenarios - we went to a party last week at someones house, and to be honest, was in a very calm and happy mood. I let him ease into it, we went to a park that was next door, and went back to the party, while he wasn't super social, he at least sat and ate with everyone at the same table. He even talked to one guy and kept saying he was funny when he made silly faces. So that was much better than today when he was a totaly disaster.
Then last week we went to his friends family house. He was so excited to see his friend and kept asking to play with him, but because it was an unfamiliar house, threw a major tantrum. I was a lot more calm there too because I knew everyone so well. I held him for a few minutes, then once I showed him the toys, he was totally fine and was completely comfortable there. But again, it's not ALWAYS like this.
Sorry for the novel. Just trying to include as much information as I can. I can't tell you how much I would appreciate any sort of feedback.