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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

So depressed...have no idea what to do anymore

Posted by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:43 PM
  • 24 Replies

My son is 30 months old, and I have really have had such a difficult time as a mom.  I don't know why, but it's just been so difficult for me and so hard at times.  There are so many days and weeks that I simply don't even enjoy it.  I tried going on an anti-depressant, but two that I tried made me so sick to my stomach. 

I also am almost nine weeks pregnant and now am stressed by that.  We did want a second child, and actually, for several months, I was doing so much better and thought maybe things would be fine.  But the last month I have gone into such a deep depression that I am just...lost and honestly hate my life most days.

The reason that I am positing here is because there are some definite things that my son does that does not seem "typical" to me.  I saw a therapist for awhile, and tried to cope with this, but she was convinced that I was projecting my anxieties on my son and blah blah blah. 

Anyway, I am honestly looking for answers.  Maybe he is not on the spectrum, but I am hoping maybe someone has another direction I could look in.

He started speech last year, and also received special education services since the county I live in automatically gives this with speech.  He showed barely enough delay in speech at the time - he was 18 months then.  He has since made tons of progress, hit a verbal explosion at age two, and now his speech therapist says he is pretty caught up with speech.  His special education therapist is dismissing him in July at his next review.  She said he is ahead in all areas, and can't keep him.  I have spoken to her several times about my concerns about him being on the spectrum, and she has honestly done everything she could to convince me he isn't.  She works mostly with autistic kids, and said she just does not see the signs.  She even went and observed him with the kids at daycare once to see how he interacts with everyone, and after that called my husband, and said he is definitely not on the spectrum and encouraged me to see a therapist...which I did for awhile - the one I referred to. 

I totally get that this sounds like I am a crazy mom.  I know.  But here are the things:

While he is caught up with speech and speaks functionally, and he also uses pronouns perfectly, which I guess according to both therapists are excellent signs and he does have friends he loves to play with (a few friends even that he asks to play with quite often, and interacts perfectly) and plays really well with the kids at daycare.  The major thing is he is absolutely terrible to take to a party or anywhere new where he doesn't know anyone.  He literally cries, whines, and will have me hold him as he buries his head into me.  Today we had family over, and he absolutely wouldn't go near anyone.  Would not even eat with anyone, which was awful.  I also notice that he will sometimes cross his index finger over his middle finger, which I KNOW is a sign...so I know I am not totally crazy here.  Granted, this is a rare thing and maybe he does it once a week, and I watch him like a hawk so I know he's not doing it more.  I asked the special ed therapist about it, and she said she purposely watched for that while he was playing with the kids at daycare, and she said she didn't, and his DC provider said she has watched too and he doesn't.  The therapist said that kids do pick up on anxietieis, and she honestly believes it is a part of it.  And she has been so insanely nice, and never rude or condecending.  I do think she has tried so hard to look at this as much as possible and do whatever she could.  Even taking a few hours to watch him at daycare was something she totally didn't have to do.

 

The social anxiety thing is realy the only thing.  Once in a great while he will spin in a circle for a minute, but that's it.

He plays functional with toys, he is affectionate, he doesn't have any issues with sensory things as far as I can tell. 

He definitely is one to take awhile to adjust to any sort of change.  It took him almost three full days to get used to wearing short sleeve shirts once it got warmer out.  Things like that seem to bother him, little changes, but he does eventually move on.  The short sleeve shirt was the biggest thing.

He's an active kid.  Loves playing chase and running.

He pretends play.  Mostly feeding his play animals.  He does pretend play thing with his trains and car and does things with his super heros.  He loves drawing pictures and telling me what they are - this is a new thing he just started doing. 

Like I said, he does seem to interact well.  And it is active in that he will demand to be played with.  He will ask, like "daddy play trains!" or whatever.  He always wants us to watch him do things.  If he is on the playground, or drawing a picture or whatever he will say "mommy watch!" 

I am just so ridiculously confused.  I guess it really is mostly the social thing and new people. 

And two other scenarios - we went to a party last week at someones house, and to be honest, was in a very calm and happy mood.  I let him ease into it, we went to a park that was next door, and went back to the party, while he wasn't super social, he at least sat and ate with everyone at the same table.  He even talked to one guy and kept saying he was funny when he made silly faces.  So that was much better than today when he was a totaly disaster.

Then last week we went to his friends family house.  He was so excited to see his friend and kept asking to play with him, but because it was an unfamiliar house, threw a major tantrum.  I was a lot more calm there too because I knew everyone so well.  I held him for a few minutes, then once I showed him the toys, he was totally fine and was completely comfortable there.  But again, it's not ALWAYS like this.

Sorry for the novel.  Just trying to include as much information as I can.  I can't tell you how much I would appreciate any sort of feedback.

 

by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
blessedhappymom
by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:00 PM
The important thing is that he is getting services. We go through stages of grief...grieving, denial, anger, bargaining,acceptance. We can flucuate between the stages and i was in denial for a long yime so.much that i coulnt say autism. It helps tobtalk to other moms and to know that you are not alone and that there isbhope for ourbkids.
kajira
by Emma on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:09 PM
3 moms liked this

Okay, first, I'm going to have to agree with everything your therapists and interventionists said. You sound like you are projecting your anxieties on him. My toddler who's normal goes through phases of not liking clothes, or being shy around strangers or people she's not used too - that's NORMAL!!! 

I could give you a huge list of things my non typical toddler did in comparison to my normal toddler and while she sometimes mimic's her brothers behavior, she's pretty darn normal in all areas... every child will have their own quirks, being quirky occasionally doesn't mean it's a problem. Even normal kids can sometimes not like new foods, or the way clothes feel at times - the key is, do they get over it? Can you reason with them? does it interfere with their life in a long-term fashion, or is something they can adjust too fairly quickly?

Being in an unfamiliar environment, he's probably picking up on YOUR nervousness and reacting to you. If he's fine with out you there, I'm guessing it's less to do with him and more to do with other, external factors.

lucasmadre
by Kari on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:15 PM
1 mom liked this

I think you may just have to wait and see how he progresses. It sounds to me like some of the things you are worried about are typical for his age.

The more important thing is that you get yourself some support. Your depression may very well be hormonal and triggered by this second pregnancy but I hate to see you suffering through a time that can be very enjoyable. Ask your doctor about seeing a therapist to help you cope and maybe join a mother's group so you can talk to other moms and connect. We all have hard days but feeling bad all the time is not ok for you or your child. Good luck and keep posting here. I hope you feel better soon, being depressed is a terrible place to be.  XO

sue_stef
by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:18 PM
2 moms liked this

my opinion based on what you said is that you are under a great deal of stress

I have 5 kids all  boys 2 hearing impaired 2 autistic one "normal"

4 of them were speech delayed and got speech therapy

your son sounds like a normal little boy to me by your description

if you are in a deep depression and pregnant please go talk to your doctor till your doctor finds the help that will work for you

you are not crazy

if you still think your son is autistic have him tested but you have to accept that diagnosis

also remember this from a veteran mommy

your stress can affect your kids so if you are upset or worried he will react to that

claudiagirl
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 7:46 AM
Thanks for the replies and feedback.

I have am appointment with my doctor tomorrow so do plan on talking to her at length on how I feel.

Dh and I spoke this morning and said he would do whatever he could to help. He says he truly believes that our son is just extremely shy. He thinks its a phase. One thing we noticed in talking about it is that our son seems to have the most difficulty when he seems to be under the impression we might leave him somewhere or with some one. He really had no reason to think this. Yes he goes to daycare but other than that, my mom is the only other person to watch him. But a few times my mom has stopped by for something quickly my son won't go near her and say "no want grandma" but once he realizes we aren't leaving him with her he's fine.
It's like yesterday at the party when he wouldn't go near anyone for hours, he was totally fine giving a lovely goodbye. This makes no sense to me!


It's just so frustrating and I have no idea what to do.
girl_incognito
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 8:20 AM

That's seperation anxiety and it's completely normal. I have 3 children, the oldest has ASD. My younger son (who is typical) had horrible seperation anxiety. It's distressing to have to deal with, but rest assure it is normal

Quoting claudiagirl:

Thanks for the replies and feedback.

I have am appointment with my doctor tomorrow so do plan on talking to her at length on how I feel.

Dh and I spoke this morning and said he would do whatever he could to help. He says he truly believes that our son is just extremely shy. He thinks its a phase. One thing we noticed in talking about it is that our son seems to have the most difficulty when he seems to be under the impression we might leave him somewhere or with some one. He really had no reason to think this. Yes he goes to daycare but other than that, my mom is the only other person to watch him. But a few times my mom has stopped by for something quickly my son won't go near her and say "no want grandma" but once he realizes we aren't leaving him with her he's fine.
It's like yesterday at the party when he wouldn't go near anyone for hours, he was totally fine giving a lovely goodbye. This makes no sense to me!


It's just so frustrating and I have no idea what to do.


darbyakeep45
by Darby on Jun. 17, 2013 at 8:33 AM

These ladies have some wonderful advice...hugs!

lady_katie
by Silver Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 8:59 AM
1 mom liked this

Hello there! I do think that what your describing is seperation anxiety, which is actually a good sign of typical development. One of my sons first "red flags" for ASD was that he did not develop seperation anxiety. To this day, I can put him in the arms of a complete stranger and he will not get upset. It's true that odd finger movements are a red flag for ASD, but he would really have to have many impairments in several areas in order to meet the criteria for a diagnosis. My son makes odd finger movements, but he does it about 3 inches away from his face while rotating his wrist back and forth and staring at his hand. This goes on for long periods of time every day. 

In regards to what your describing, I think that you should focus your attention on yourself right now. If you are projecting your feelings, then it's safe to assume that you have social anxiety. I think that once you get to the root of why that is, you'll feel a bit better and have some direction as to what you can do about it. I've suffered through bouts of social anxiety for many years, and I recently discovered that it's because *I* am on the spectrum myself. I'm not suggesting that you are on the spectrum, but it is a place to start in your search for answers about yourself. Here's some information that I put together: http://www.homewardcrowned.com/?p=1016 , once you've exhausted that possibility, maybe you could ask your therapist what some other causes of social anxiety are, and rule them out one by one until you find one that feels like it's the cause in your heart. 

Oh, and by the way, at the suggestion of someone on this forum, I've been taking natural supplements to help with depression and anxiety. They're over the counter, so it's easy enough to get your hands on them if you wanted to see if they agree with your stomach better. They're called 5-HTP and St. Johns Wort. They really have helped tremendously! 

Good luck to you, please keep us posted :) 

JTMOM422
by Brenda on Jun. 17, 2013 at 9:17 AM

From what you are describing he sounds like a typical little boy. My nephew is 3 and NT and he does this. He won't leave his parents side when he goes places. He sticks to them like glue. He won't even play with the other kids unless my sister literally walks him over and starts to play and then he is fine. He doesn't like to be around strangers at all. He even has a hard time around new kids. 

L0laUnscript3d
by Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 12:37 PM
I'm glad someone else mentioned this too because I strongly feel that this is what's going on. I have 3 kids my 2 oldest are ASD and my youngest is "typical ". My youngest has stranger/separation anxiety and will not let me leave her with anyone. she's met all of her milestones perfectly but can mimic her brothers behaviors. I think maybe talking to his pedi and school will help with the stranger anxiety.


Quoting girl_incognito:

That's seperation anxiety and it's completely normal. I have 3 children, the oldest has ASD. My younger son (who is typical) had horrible seperation anxiety. It's distressing to have to deal with, but rest assure it is normal

Quoting claudiagirl:

Thanks for the replies and feedback.



I have am appointment with my doctor tomorrow so do plan on talking to her at length on how I feel.



Dh and I spoke this morning and said he would do whatever he could to help. He says he truly believes that our son is just extremely shy. He thinks its a phase. One thing we noticed in talking about it is that our son seems to have the most difficulty when he seems to be under the impression we might leave him somewhere or with some one. He really had no reason to think this. Yes he goes to daycare but other than that, my mom is the only other person to watch him. But a few times my mom has stopped by for something quickly my son won't go near her and say "no want grandma" but once he realizes we aren't leaving him with her he's fine.

It's like yesterday at the party when he wouldn't go near anyone for hours, he was totally fine giving a lovely goodbye. This makes no sense to me!





It's just so frustrating and I have no idea what to do.



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