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Thinking about adding to the family...PLEASE help!

Posted by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 2:39 AM
  • 28 Replies

Hi there, I'm wanting to connect with other mothers who have children with autism. In the small town where we live I don't know any other moms with children on the spectrum.  I have a precious little boy who will be 3 in December and was officially diagnosed with autism about 8 months ago. He doesn't have fragile x syndrome, but he also has a chromosomal disorder that we are still waiting on to find out more about; specifically. We had known long before though, and had already had him in several different therapies.  We have ups and downs, but he is one amazing, beautiful soul. 

He is in intensive early intervention and has therapies every day of the week and I put in around 30 hours weekly with me alone working with him. He is non verbal, but is such a determined little boy! He can 'say' mama, papa, and ball(his obsession!) As of right now they are just sounds to him, except ball, but I sure love hearing that sweet voice! I started using sign language with him when he was just an infant and that has helped a lot with the communication barrier. I stay at home with him so that I can make sure he gets as much as possible, I refuse to see anything but a bright and independent future for him. That being said, his daddy works two jobs and is gone from early morning until well past little man's bedtime, so it's just me with our son everyday. Needless to say, as much as I adore and love him, I get extremely overwhelmed sometimes. A lot, actually. 

Here's what has been on my mind and I'm hoping to get some advice and experience from you other moms! My boyfriend wants us to have another baby. I'm on the fence about it. I personally would love to have another baby. With Bk, I didn't get to relax and enjoy the newborn and infant stage due to problems with the in-laws. So I would love to be able to experience it again and be able to enjoy it. But at the same time, I am scared of taking away precious time from our son. He is extremely attached to me so how would he handle sharing? He has always done pretty well whenever I've held another baby or played with another child, but this would be very different. Then there's the thought of would it be fair to the other sibling? Would it feel like it was getting pushed aside, so to speak, because of the extra attention our son would always need? And then what if the new baby was on the spectrum as well? I wonder how I could, or would be able to handle it. I mean, of course I would; but still... 

I would really love and appreciate hearing from some mothers that have multiple children on or off, or both, on the spectrum and your experience. How do the children handle it, more importantly. 

Thanks in advance!

by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 2:39 AM
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by Member on Jul. 4, 2013 at 4:47 AM
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I think I have an odd opinion..  I am not caring for my child with asd, I am caring for a nephew (I love him like he is mine but his mother is involved somewhat).  My 2 daughters  were and are NT.  20 and 16 and basically grown.  Having a 3 yr old that is high functioning is tough.  Then his mom brought me her 3 yr old stepdaughter for 2 weeks.  Holy Halls of He!!!!!!!!   We go to OT once or twice a week, we have speech therapy here 2x a week at least and just many other things that we do working with him (not nearly as much as you do.. I can assure you.)   He had a real hard time having the stepsister here for the first few days.   And I have out and out discouraged her from having another baby.   FOR HER...she cannot handle 1 child with asd, what if the second one was the same? or worse?   *I* cannot handle another one with this one I don't I have discouraged it.  But she is divorced and going to get with some new bf who wants "A baby of his own" I am sure.   I dread it.   That is just my opinion, you can take it for what it is worth..   :)    Whatever you decide to do, good luck!!!!!!

by Jen on Jul. 4, 2013 at 5:48 AM
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I noticed you said something about whether it would be fair to your son to have another sibling and then considered would it be fair to the new baby but you never seemed to consider yourself. (That's a typical mom!! Always putting oursves last)

You said you're overwhelmed a lot. I think you need to consider that.

I love babies and wish I could have 8 kids! But I can't. I can't financially or emotionally or physically. I have three kids. 15, 13, and 3. I really want one more to be a playmate for the 3 yr old but for the reasons already stated, we can't. (Physically, I could get pregnant but its not a good idea).

Who would be taking care of the baby? And what happens if you have a difficult or high risk pregnancy and need to be on bed rest or worse, in the hospital? Who will take care of your son?

This is hard and I guess really you are the only one who can answer the question.
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by Bronze Member on Jul. 4, 2013 at 7:45 AM
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It doesn't seem like financially it is a good decision right now.  Your boyfriend is working two jobs.

It sounds like you are doing such a great job with your son, you would be cutting your time with him, which doesn't seem quite fair.

Autism can be genetic, even if he doesn't have Fragile X. I have one son with pdd-nos.  My other son has traits of Autism, but not so much that he has a dx.  But I still have to have him in OT and he takes just as much time because he has anxiety  traits.

by Platinum Member on Jul. 4, 2013 at 8:02 AM
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I have 1 HFA kid. My sons psychologist said " you would have been a great mom to 8-9 neurotypical kuds... Or the one 1 hfa kid u have."
My son has extreme anxiety, sensory issues and aspie. Most of there traits/ issues.. Didnt come out til he was 2. You have a long road if ur guy is so young!

How old are u?
Id say, if you have time to wait... Wait til ur son is 5-6. At 6 you have more perspective on what goes into having a hfa kud... Your son will b more established, on his feet and u may b in a better financial position.
My sons therapies are costing 500 out of pocket these days... He is 6.
by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 8:27 AM
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My son is 5 with Autism and is an only child. I don't want to risk having another child with problems. If your boyfriend is working 2 jobs now then it is not a good financial decision to have another baby right now. In my opinion. Kids are expense especially babies. Plus a baby would be added stress. 

by Darby on Jul. 4, 2013 at 9:51 AM
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Hugs mama!

by Platinum Member on Jul. 4, 2013 at 9:51 AM
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I think the only person who can answer this is you. We can all give our opinions but in the end you have to make this decision. 

by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 9:59 AM

DO IT!!!!  :)

by Emma on Jul. 4, 2013 at 9:59 AM

I love my special needs child. he's 9, my second child is 2.5 and is NT as far as we know.

I'm also autistic myself.

I'm not sure how to answer your questions, but I want more children.

by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 10:14 AM
This really is a personal decision, like it always is. For us our oldest has ASD. He has a younger brother and will have a younger sister soon. He is so amazing with them. Don't get me wrong, it is hard (and he is HF) but it is also highly rewarding. His brother is NT and by far my hardest child. But I relate more to my ASD child. I honestly wouldn't let a future child's Possible ASD diagnoses be my deciding factor, but time and money should play a role. Good luck on whatever you decide.
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