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My life is a sham

Posted by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 8:35 PM
  • 24 Replies

I am such a fake, a poser. I hate myself.

I walk on eggshells all day. I'm afraid of making my son angry, but he gets angry anyway. My husband hates me. I was practicing piano today and he made his video volume louder. How rude is that? I would never do that to him while he was practicing trumpet. I always try to keep the kids quiet. I have to ask him several times for help. Now I know he hates when I put his cheese away into the fridge when he leaves it out, so I am afraid to put anything of his away anymore. I asked if I should close the garage door - there are thieves around here. But I'd rather not get him angry and have thieves take something. At least then it's not my fault.

My son has tantrums. Sometimes I cannot control myself. I yell at him. I am now carrying earplugs in my pockets at all times. Maybe that will help.

I am so controlled and cheery at work. I pretend to everyone that I'm this carefree California girl who drinks java chip frappucino and doesn't know the price of milk because my husband takes care of everything. No one wants to hear that when I was shopping for my son's 10th birthday present, I was looking in the toddler section of Amazon. Multicolored flashlights, pretend remote controls with music and lights. I am so good at figuring out what my son wants... my presents to him are always a hit. But... Amazon always asks me to look at new 2-3-year-old toys.

I hate my life. I am so filled with sorrow and worry and walking on eggshells. I hate my life. I am such a sham.

I am shortchanging both my kids. My cognitive delayed 10yo and my brilliant 8yo. I hate myself.

Mom to 10-year-old boy with autism, verbal apraxia, intellectual disability, epilepsy, nut allergy, different length legs (which will require surgery in a few years)
by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 8:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 8:39 PM
Why does he go ballistic from 0 to 60 in a second? Just because the doorbell rang while I was washing his poopy fingers (because he likes to put his fingers in his poopy diaper) and I said "no", that was instantaneous tantrum. Why?
by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 8:43 PM
I feel you. Hugs
by Brittaney on Jul. 14, 2013 at 9:01 PM

Do you have an in-person autism support group in your area? If you do, they normally have qualified child care available free to you so you can attend the meetings. You need someone in person to give you a hug and tell you you're doing everything you can for your child. And maybe you can find out about things in the area that maybe you aren't aware of. It's amazing sometimes to find that certain help was right under your nose, you just never found it because you weren't looking in the right place.

by Carissa on Jul. 14, 2013 at 9:11 PM

I felt that same way 2 years ago and it lasted over a year.I was a mess and trying to keep it together and so frustrated but it just made things worse with my son. 9 of the months I was pregant with my youngest and I got really depressed and fortunately my hubby stepped up and actually at that time was a better parent than I was although he would never say it and nobody knows it. I share this part of my life with hardly anyone. It was just so hard but now I am doing better and my son is doing better and our family is doing better. I'm not sure exactly why but I have some ideas but I had to be vulnerable and take help from friends and family. I feel ya and this post so much. I wish I could talk to you in person. Hugs!

by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 9:40 PM
1 mom liked this
I will Scarlet O'Hara it. Everything will be fine tomorrow. I will start over tomorrow. I will be fine. Momentary weakness. I will be fine tomorrow.

Still lots of daylight left. Dishes. Laundry. Baths. Work. Miles to go before I sleep. Miles to go before I sleep.
by Jen on Jul. 14, 2013 at 9:48 PM


by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 10:01 PM

I am so sorry, I feel for you.  Sending hugs your way......

by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 10:04 PM

Hugs =(

"If the child cannot learn in the way we teach...we must teach in the way the child can learn."reading

by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 10:16 PM


by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 10:21 PM
1 mom liked this

You can't take on everyone's issues by yourself.sometimes you need to just say "fuck it! I'm doing this for me!" And go join a gym and work out. Make yourself a drink, light a ton of candles, run a bubble bath, turn out the lights, put in your ear plugs and soak for an hour.

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