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My Ex-Husband wants to exclude our daughter.

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Please excuse me while I vent!  

After 21 years of marriage, my ex had a doozy of a midlife crisis, complete with girlfriend half his age with big boobs.  Ditched me and took up with her.  We have joint custody of our kids but they live with me.  It's been almost five years since our divorce.  He is married to the girlfriend (our kids found out about it on Facebook) and has two toddlers.  He rarely ever sees our children, about once every three months, even though he lives in the same town.

Our eldest is on her own with a baby of her own.  Our 17 year old daughter is severely autistic and we have a 12 year old girl as well.  Our autistic daughter is in a program during the summer that leaves her with two weeks off in June and two weeks off in August.  He KNOWS this.

She has always enjoyed camping, with with me or her dad.  So imagine how I felt when he texted me and asked what our youngest was doing during a certain week.  I replied that she had appointments and school registration.  When he asked if they could be rescheduled, I asked why.  He said he wanted to take her camping with them.  When I asked about our OTHER daughter who does NOT have school that week, his answer was that he thought our youngest "could use a break" from her sister!!  I was livid!  Our youngest not see her any more during the summer than the rest of the school year.  The lie was just so pathetic!

I flatly told him that, NO, I cannot reschedule the appointments and that registration is one day only.  I then told him that BOTH girls will be available for camping the following week.  His reply was something along the lines of, "oh I guess I can't spend time with her then" and designed to make me feel guilty!  

So, keeping in mind that I am EVER polite (mostly), what are your thoughts?

by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 8:57 PM
Replies (11-20):
by on Aug. 21, 2013 at 1:55 PM
1 mom liked this

I can see both sides. I want my son to be included, but I also know my youngest daughter needs a break sometimes.  Being a younger sibling of a special needs child is hard. We do our best to make sure they have things together, but I also make sure she has things that are just hers. And we have taken just her to the movies or camping. 

BUT at the same time. With an absentee parent I think it null and voids it. He has not seen either of them and should want to see BOTH of them.

by on Aug. 21, 2013 at 2:04 PM
I think it's ok for him to spend one on one time with his children. If 17yo dd wasn't asd would you have been so offended? I don't know because I am not you, but maybe he wasn't thinking about dd being asd and just thinking about how he and 12yo could use some one on one time? To me it seems a reasonable request. Maybe tell him he may take her camping if he's also going to set up one on one time with 17yo and make those plans with her
by on Aug. 21, 2013 at 2:39 PM

 I would ask your 12yr old if she wants her big sister to come see daddy too.. although, im my own opinion.. if he cant seem to make the time, he doesnt deserve to see them. BUT.. thats how i would approach it. IF you really want her to go. I would be worried if she did go, the 17yr old that is.. she might be left out and dad may give more attention to the 12yr old? That could hurt even more than jst the 12yrold going with dad. He could also do something with each of them on diff terms? This is hard for me bc something like this.. I would jst CUT it off completely.. but you really do seem like such a better person than me when it comes to this.. My oldest son's father didnt want anything to do with him except maybe 4x... after the first yr of bogus excuses not to see him after HE planned to see him.. i jst cut it completely.. my son ddnt need someone like that in his life.

by on Aug. 21, 2013 at 3:07 PM

  He's a jerk. Mine tried that but on our 28 y/o daughter who is expecting. He got mad at her because nobody goes down to see him. He lives in Texas and most of our 8 children want nothing to do with him. 

by Member on Aug. 21, 2013 at 5:15 PM

 since you say that he hasn't seen any of the girls- then the answer would be no if you can't take both camping. i can completely understand giving the other daughter a break. in my house- my youngest sn. her older sister would( and still does) take her places. just tell him that he can take her to lunch or movie for some one on one, then he can also take the other day to do whatever. i would also ask the 12 year if she would like a break. 

by on Aug. 21, 2013 at 7:18 PM

Because my 17 year old was in a summer program, she really hasn't had much contact with my 12 year old so I'm not buying the "she needs a break" line.  And he did spend time with my 12 year old at a 4th of July party.  He didn't want to bring my autistic daughter because she had been to a similar one and was unhappy with the crowds, the noise, etc.  I thought then (as I do now) that excluding our autistic daughter from that party was a good idea because he had her interests at heart.  I told him at that time he needed to make plans with her, even something as simple as picking her up and walking to the local ice cream stand (5 blocks away) so she could be with him.  Well, that was a month and a half ago...

I think that part of the reason he doesn't want to take her is that a couple years ago, she was camping with them and had a seizure.  She's on meds for them and hasn't had one in almost two years.  But he was the one who had to deal with it.

I've also been told that when she's at his place, she's often told, "go sit in the other room" and that he and his wife don't do anything with her.  It just breaks my heart that he doesn't seem to want anything to do with her, yet he'll scream to the rafters if he thinks I'm excluding him from decisions.  I chose a neurologist, he got pissed until I told him he was one of the best in the state.  I told him when her next appointment was, gave him the address and directions....and he never showed up.

by Bronze Member on Aug. 21, 2013 at 7:50 PM

As much of an ASSHAT as he is being sounds like he is being led on a leash by Betty Boobie! She sounds like my Bio mom her kids come first then the "normal" one never the "odd" one.

I think you were right my ex asked if I had to be in school the first week what really happens? He has had all summer but has had to work in other cities! Some in the same state he could have taken our son but he seems to think the kid who is 13 would go nutty in a hotel room!

by on Aug. 21, 2013 at 8:58 PM
I am so sorrry that you are going through this I would tell him that you either take them both or they don't go at all.he is being unfair and one day this will come back to bite him in the but. I am sending the biggest hugs and tons of love to you and you family hang in ther sweetie.
by Carissa on Aug. 21, 2013 at 9:37 PM

What a jerk...  I'm sorry u and your family have to deal with him :/

by Member on Aug. 21, 2013 at 10:48 PM

I think your ex is a jerk and needs to realize she has feelings as well and until he can treat her as such I'd cut ties

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