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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

My Ex-Husband wants to exclude our daughter.

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Please excuse me while I vent!  

After 21 years of marriage, my ex had a doozy of a midlife crisis, complete with girlfriend half his age with big boobs.  Ditched me and took up with her.  We have joint custody of our kids but they live with me.  It's been almost five years since our divorce.  He is married to the girlfriend (our kids found out about it on Facebook) and has two toddlers.  He rarely ever sees our children, about once every three months, even though he lives in the same town.

Our eldest is on her own with a baby of her own.  Our 17 year old daughter is severely autistic and we have a 12 year old girl as well.  Our autistic daughter is in a program during the summer that leaves her with two weeks off in June and two weeks off in August.  He KNOWS this.

She has always enjoyed camping, with with me or her dad.  So imagine how I felt when he texted me and asked what our youngest was doing during a certain week.  I replied that she had appointments and school registration.  When he asked if they could be rescheduled, I asked why.  He said he wanted to take her camping with them.  When I asked about our OTHER daughter who does NOT have school that week, his answer was that he thought our youngest "could use a break" from her sister!!  I was livid!  Our youngest not see her any more during the summer than the rest of the school year.  The lie was just so pathetic!

I flatly told him that, NO, I cannot reschedule the appointments and that registration is one day only.  I then told him that BOTH girls will be available for camping the following week.  His reply was something along the lines of, "oh I guess I can't spend time with her then" and designed to make me feel guilty!  

So, keeping in mind that I am EVER polite (mostly), what are your thoughts?

by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 8:57 PM
Replies (31-37):
tarissy24
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 1:52 AM

Your ex husband should have his parental rights terminated. When a man became a father he doesn't get to pick and choose what children he gets to spend time with. Just because she may be a little difficult to handle doesn't justify his attitude. It's a shame that he isn't taking the time to get to know his children. He's missing out. My cousin has autism and he is one of the most brilliant individuals I know. Smart as a whip with the most vivid imagination. Maybe if your douschbag(pardon my language) ex husband would get his head stuck out of that home wreckers fake boobs he just might realize how amazing your daughter really is.

mommy4lyf
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 5:42 AM
Karma
Melissa77489
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:24 AM

Unfortunetly hes a douche and he wont get that he is hurting his "normal daughter" it will come back to bite him in the butt...Dont make excuses for him but dont talk bad either or that may bite you in the butt..sometimes us women take longer to learn and she may want to be daddys little girl still..hang tough walk on you will be all the better without him..ohh and dont tell them about him asking for nothing until he is at the door then you dont have to say well im sorry honey .........again

froggyfreak330
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 9:00 AM

My fathers parents chose favorites with my sister and I. I still hate them for it. They basically told my dad that they didnt consider me their grandchild. They would take my sister everywhere with them and ignore me, but screwed themselves over when they started telling lies to my sister and my dad found out. He told them to stay away from her and I cant blame him. If I were in your shoes and since I know what this felt like as a kid, I would tell him to spend time with both of his children or not come around at all. I would never stand for anyone, even their father, choosing favorites and ignoring one of them. It would have hurt me more to see them constantly giving love and attention to my sister(while I watched from the sidelines like I didnt even exist) than to not see them at all. I dont know if this will help you in your quest for answers but thought I would share anyway. Thanks for reading.

josiah0927
by Shanta on Aug. 27, 2013 at 9:14 AM

He is being such a jerk! Sorry Mama....Dont let him get to you. hugs

shortnsweet53
by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 8:28 AM
I have a 20 year old autistic son...high functioning. However, when he reached his teens and the hormones started kicking in he turned extremely violent. He'd beat me, push me down, and some days I would have to stay locked in my bedroom until my husband came home from work. We also have a daughter who is atypical and 12 years older than her brother. All of us, dad, mom and sis, spent one-on-one time with him. But, we wouldn't let the two children stay alone together for more than an hour. He was just as abusive with his sister as he was with me.

Fortunately our family worked as one unit for the best for everyone. We were sure to give our daughter the much needed break. It was difficult for her because she didn't feel comfortable in inviting her friends to our home. Not out of being embarrassed by her brother, but because we never knew when a meltdown would occur.

Having said that, I must say that your ex should only be allowed to see his children together. If he wants to see them alone then you should have him take your autistic child first and then make plans with the other. Here is a good article that explains what an autistic individual experiences in normal situations. http://www.pathfindersforautism.org/articles/view/parent-tips-explaining-autism-using-everyday-examples Maybe you can print it out and send it to your ex. Maybe he is ignorant of what to expect and how to handle an autistic child, therefore, to make it easier for himself, he doesn't include your autistic child.

Do you take your autistic child to therapy or a psychiatrist? Have your ex attend an appointment with you and have the professional explain what is needed to parent an autistic child. It might be better if he attends the appointment by himself so that your child won't be hurt or misunderstood.

Do you attend a support group for parents of mentally disabled children? Our support group was a lifeline. I highly recommend it to all parents even if you are having a "normal" spell. Sometimes group members need the help and advice from others...sometimes you are the one who inspires others. Either way, you come away from the meeting with a renewed spirit. If at all possible have your ex attend at least one meeting. He might just come away saying to himself, "My child doesn't have it so bad." We did on many occasions.

Personally, I think your ex just doesn't know what to expect, how to handle meltdowns, how to love his "imperfect" child. He, and his new wife, must be educated before you can expect them to have a normal relationship.

Another good article to read is, "Welcome to Holland" by Emily Perl Kingsley.

My prayers are that all three adults come to an agreement that will benefit both of your children. Put your anger at your husband and new wife aside. The anger doesn't help anyone. Agree to work together for the good of all children, and adults. You may have to bite your tongue, but isn't it worth it to see both your children have a good relationship with their father? (despite your feelings toward him and "Barbie")

It's all about the children and their best interests.

Win Q.
mypbandj
by Jen on Sep. 3, 2013 at 8:44 AM
Sounds to me like he's the one who doesn't want to spend time with the 17 yr old.

Or perhaps the young wife with the boobs doesn't want her and he's going along with it.
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