My son did have his Eval Appt Today for Diagnosis for those who requested update!
(This is today's post on my blog but on this group we are not allowed to post any information about outside blogs addresses etc so I just wanted to share with all of you how the appointment went today and how other things are going since so many of you asked me for an update to the Evaluation appointment for my son which I have been telling you all about that information is below)
They say the good die young... And for some reason I cannot understand this….
Well let me back up and explain why I am feeling the way I feel. My son had his appointment today for his official diagnosis. Leading up to the appointment this morning I was restless and not really sure of what was going to happen. Would it be confirmed officially this time, that he is autistic or would they delay his diagnosis? Would they say he is growing out of it or they no longer see the things in him I see? The whole 2 hour ride this morning I was on edge, nervous, tired from lack of sleep and confused. Finally this day had come but I am not sure I wanted it as badly as I once did. Something was going to happen today that could possibly never be taken back. When we got to the appointment my nerves had settled. It was going to be what it was going to be and I sure as hell couldn’t change anything. Within the first few moments of observing Kian, the Dr. came over and said, “Just after a few moments with him I can see the characteristics of Autism.” On the inside that knocked me off my feet. How can anyone see after only a few moments, literally only seconds with my son that my child was autistic? Why has it become so overwhelmingly obvious? Maybe I was right to think that everyone in the world will be able to see that. Maybe I was that dumb all along that I had still not even felt 100% sure at times that Kian was autistic. Even after a previous evaluation. After regaining my composure on the inside I took a deep breath and was ready to roll. We went back and did the evaluation and honestly there was nothing surprising or odd that occurred. See prior to the appointment I was convinced my son would be a mild case of autism at best with the possibility of being moderate. I was certain my baby was too bright and too full of life to be anything other. Well I was never truly prepared for what I was going to hear. As I waited on him to tally up all of the final scores and make a conclusion. I was nervous but I was still anticipating the best possible outcome, if there is a best possible outcome with autism. I wouldn’t get my wish today, I usually never do anymore. The Dr. returned from his office and sat down to talk…. and I am not really even sure what he said after he officially diagnosed my son with Severe Autism as my mind is heavily clouded these days. I saw his lips moving and I am sure there was some sound coming out but nothing could quiet the screams or crumbling that I felt inside. It’s like lethal injection in a way. You can feel all the pain and heartache but you cannot move, speak or even breathe at times. You know you are alive but it’s outer body. The word severe is crushing, devastating and almost unspeakable. I am not sure if I will ever use the word again after this blog post. What does severe mean? What does it mean? I cannot process even a simple definition as it seems way more than I can comprehend. How could something be way worse than I could have imagined? The Dr was very positive and set up all the info that we needed for all of the therapies and medical needs we were going to have ahead of us. But that doesn’t change the heart of a grieving mother.
The truth is, I was grieving long before today. I was grieving over what was to come with my son for a long time. I knew something was to come. There was some reason my son has yet to acknowledge my presence or call me, “mommy.” But if you can believe it, I was grieving for more than one reason. I know right? Tragedy seems to occur around the same time frames sometimes. As some of you know my father was diagnosed with Cancer not to long ago. What a devastating blow for any family to suffer. Things have not been as cookie cutter or easy as I have led some to believe. My father’s time here is dwindling down and things don’t look as good as I had once hoped. He has such a will to survive and such a love of life. He is so positive and I think it has been hard for him to be brutally honest with me because he loves me and doesn’t want me to be hurt. He has kept some tough information from me at times. But can I blame him? No, not really because until today I had kept my son’s diagnosis from him. I hadn’t even mentioned the trauma that we were going through with my son. I hadn’t mentioned the sleepless nights, long days or the hours spent crying. I hadn’t mentioned the desperation this has caused, the nights spent up researching or the nights I cry myself to sleep. I had kept this information from him to protect him and he had done the same. I think we both realized today that being an open book about what is to come is critical. I simply can’t imagine my father leaving this earth without spending one last day with him.. one last moment together.
So back to the beginning of this blog post we go. They say the good die young. Why is that? Why do the good have to die young at all? Why do the good get sick? Get cancer? Or even get autism? My father has always been an exceptional man, a business owner, served his country, the local sheriffs department, paid his taxes and was kind to all around him. Why does he have to die so much earlier than most? Why does he have to suffer with cancer? When there are so many evil people in this world in perfect health. My son is a beautiful, vibrant and loving person. He has been kind to every person he has ever come into contact with. Why is he suffering with autism? He doesn’t deserve this. What could two of the most important people in my life, have done to deserve such tragic outcomes? What I have I done? I think that there are just so many questions in my mind. And right now I cannot help but sit in the dark and empty “why me” phase.
When people you love are suffering around you, you suffer. There is no remedy or medicine to fix a grieving heart. There is no words or saying that can make a bad situation better. Only God has a say in the end. I have never been more devoted to my Heavenly Father than I am today and he gives me the strength to carry on. Every day I wake up, unsure if I can even go on another day. You can have a great career, nice place to live and all the luxuries and money in the world but when you don’t have your health life can really put a whooping on you. That’s often how I feel, beaten. I have a beautiful family, a successful significant other, incredible long time friends and a college education and I still find myself in a bit of a depression over my dad & son.
I try to share some positive and negative (rather real) things on this blog always and I use my blog as a place of self expression and as an outlet to say how I feel not really caring about who judges me. For every person that is going to judge me for my reality 2 more are going to help me, inspire me and be inspired by me. The people who love me always will and the ones who don’t never even tried. So there you have it.
PM me with any questions about things. Thanks