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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Behavioral Issues and feeling shame... ETA

Posted by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 11:23 AM
  • 36 Replies

I've been talking to a few moms who also have children who have aggressive and/or violent behavioral issues and b/w us we get it, but even in a group of SN moms, I feel like most don't get "it"

As if it was b/c of our parenting. As if we chose to give our children these genes and brain wiring that causes them to be more aggressive than other children.

I love my son but I know there is some brain miswiring that causes him to be more aggressive than others and its through no fault of my own or his.

There is good news though. There are ways to treat it. Learning new parenting techniques does help a lot. Medication can help a lot. I hope I can find the right mix of treatments for my ds.

Have you been in my shoes? If you haven't, please don't make me (us) feel more alone.

ETA: BTW, the SN groups I am refering to are not any on CM. Some online forums that are local to where I live. I still go there -- even though its incredibly catty -- b/c i find a lot of great, local resources.

by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 11:23 AM
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Replies (1-10):
charley31
by Bronze Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 11:32 AM
1 mom liked this
Hugs and I'm there right with you. Perhaps because I'm 7.5mo pregnant I'm just overly sensitive about it but when ds is aggressive towards me I take it so personal. He must hate me, I'm a horrible mom etc. the looks I get when we are out as he's punching are enough to keep me inside. I love my son too and a big part of me knows he knows its wrong to hit, kick etc but he can't help it so I do I react. Right now I'm taking each day as it comes and I cry when he's asleep. Hugs to you tho mom. I feel like no one gets me or ds.
girl_incognito
by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 2:27 PM
2 moms liked this

You know I have...it gets better I promise

wildchild.com
by Janine on Oct. 4, 2013 at 3:19 PM
1 mom liked this
Yes my son can be very aggressive . You are not alone (((hugs)))
bigmama423
by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 3:27 PM
4 moms liked this

I've learned to ignore just about everything from everyone! ;) Some people are so uneducated on things or just quick to judge so I no longer let it get to me.

My son's aggression in school was out of this world! So I have been there, it is hard and many people will judge and give you 'those' looks, but I could careless!

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 4:15 PM
4 moms liked this

IM sorry. That stinks...

So many people act out when they cant handle the situation... Its amazing the people that dont understand. It isnt necessarily just an ASD, ODD, thing... we ALL freak out big time when something goes on we cant hack... You, Me, THEM...

Heck, the behavior is HUMAN... its just our kids have such a LOW furstration tolerance..low problem solving abilities, easy to "explode"..... that they GET THERE (the end of their rope) faster then we'd like.. and we are working on increasing that tolerance, and paying attention to the thing that MAY have set them off o solve the issue so that the explosions happen less as best we can... but the feral response is HUMAN....  

Heck, when Im DONE- At the end of MY rope...in my life, depending on the situation at hand. Ive been a cryer, screamer, a yeller, a thrower, a runner, a hitter.... and Im NT! (I think.. LOL)

Its just a spectrum of emotion--- with crying ( the acceptable "bad behavior" on one end.. and maybe murder (couldnt think of anything worse...) on the other... and somewhere in the middle is biting, hitting, kicking, pinching... etc

When the hosptial told me my mom might die when I was 18 and she was in a coma in the ICU, I RAN... I RAN out of that hospital, THROUGH the parking lot... it was MORE then I could handle...

When I found out my roomate in college slept with MY boyfriend I hit him (Not a proud moment for me...) but, hey, I was taxed beyond my capabilities..

and our kids, our children... well last time I checked, they were little humans... and they have passionate reactions too...


WE ALL look bad when we cant handle something.. from silly frustration (not being able to complete a task, or a child not listening... we grumble, we nag, we yell... its ALL "looking bad"...

so THOSE women.. the ones who CLAIM that they dont get it-- or JUDGE you... Try to rememmber, THEYVE lost their tempers, they've been HUMAN, they''ve looked BAD... regardless of WHAT they claim.

HUGS to you....

lady_katie
by Silver Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 4:53 PM
5 moms liked this

Yes, I totally hear you. I'm in your shoes. My son is out of control and I've tried everything with very little improvement. I can't even confide in anyone because they always respond with "well, have you tried disciplining him?" I had a friend this week suggest that I should hit him. He just turned two by the way. They just jump to the conclusion that it's something that I'm doing wrong, while they stick their kids in front of a television half the day and take credit for them magically developing on track. 

Then there's the opposite end of the judgment spectrum. The ones who suggest that I'm doing something wrong by not embracing every single aspect of autism. I had one person suggest to me that allowing his therapists to teach him "pointless" actions such as knocking down a tower of blocks served no purpose other than to teach him to conform to society and damage his sense of self. 

I just can't win with the peanut gallery. The bottom line is that until a person has had to actually deal with a difficult child day in and day out, physically and emotionally exhausted, without a soul in the world who understands...it's just impossible to "get it". 


MomOfOneCoolKid
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 6:07 PM
2 moms liked this

 


Quoting lady_katie:

Yes, I totally hear you. I'm in your shoes. My son is out of control and I've tried everything with very little improvement. I can't even confide in anyone because they always respond with "well, have you tried disciplining him?" I had a friend this week suggest that I should hit him. He just turned two by the way. They just jump to the conclusion that it's something that I'm doing wrong, while they stick their kids in front of a television half the day and take credit for them magically developing on track. 

Then there's the opposite end of the judgment spectrum. The ones who suggest that I'm doing something wrong by not embracing every single aspect of autism. I had one person suggest to me that allowing his therapists to teach him "pointless" actions such as knocking down a tower of blocks served no purpose other than to teach him to conform to society and damage his sense of self. 

I just can't win with the peanut gallery. The bottom line is that until a person has had to actually deal with a difficult child day in and day out, physically and emotionally exhausted, without a soul in the world who understands...it's just impossible to "get it". 

I would like it if there was a "100 LIKE" button

Can't agree more! Sometimes I can't relate to both ends of the "judgement" spectrum.

Sometimes, autism, adhd, odd, etc. just sucks. It just does.

 

lucasmadre
by Kari on Oct. 4, 2013 at 9:29 PM
2 moms liked this

What I want to know is when did this become a world where kids can't have a meltdown spectrum or not? Is it me or have we gotten a lot more critical of  each other? 

You are so right, there are ways to help our children deal with their emotions in more positive ways and it does get better as they mature (at least it has for my son.) I work really hard with him to give him the tools to express his feelings and because he now can identify how he is feeling and why he feels that way, he doesn't get to the critical overload point very often. I have to say he goes to a great karate studio that teaches the mind/body connection and a strict moral code...it has been very helpful. 

You are not alone but it can feel very isolating, that is for sure. Try not to take it personally. I know for me that has been the hardest part.   XO

emarin77
by Silver Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 9:39 PM
2 moms liked this

I have been in your shoes when my son was three.  All he wanted to do when I couldn't understand him is hurt me by slapping or kicking me.  Me and my husband were taught by his psychologist to use time outs/positive reinforcement/teaching him to use his words instead of hitting.  Me and my husband had to repeatedly teach our son this but it worked within a year.  Now our son, Antonio is using his words more to express himself and his feelings.  We did not need to give our son any medication.  He is 5 and doing well in typical kindergarten now.

momofblueeyes04
by Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 10:02 PM
1 mom liked this
I can totally relate and at the presemt moment I am in tears bc I honestly can't take much more of my daughters disrespect. She is constantly arguing and mouthing bk and honestly nothing gets to me more than that. Her psychatrist diagnosed her with adhd odd and autism. Sometimes I have to ask myself y is she like this is it something i did. My best friend tells me that God made her mommy bc he knew I could handle her however it is the hardest job in the world. What are some things you do when your child gets disrespectful?


Quoting MomOfOneCoolKid:

I've been talking to a few moms who also have children who have aggressive and/or violent behavioral issues and b/w us we get it, but even in a group of SN moms, I feel like most don't get "it"


As if it was b/c of our parenting. As if we chose to give our children these genes and brain wiring that causes them to be more aggressive than other children.


I love my son but I know there is some brain miswiring that causes him to be more aggressive than others and its through no fault of my own or his.


There is good news though. There are ways to treat it. Learning new parenting techniques does help a lot. Medication can help a lot. I hope I can find the right mix of treatments for my ds.


Have you been in my shoes? If you haven't, please don't make me (us) feel more alone.


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