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can i be too firm

Posted by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 11:39 AM
  • 13 Replies

   OK so i have been trying to teach him to do chores like clean his room. He also has to do the hallways and clean the dining room as well. Is that too much or sound ok to you he is 5 btw. MY friend she has 2 on the spectrum tells me that i have to try to talk him into it like "mommy really needs help cleaning the dining room and the hallways" she says thats the way its sopposed to be done. I wish to be be a little firm with him if he dont do it after giving him some time to do it i could stick him in a time out for the infraction i do believe he needs to be handled a differintly but i dont want him to use his diagnoses as a crutch as well. I see her letter her kids diagnose as a crutch and she has been having all kinds of problems with them now with down right desrespecting her they know they can get away with things I see it all the time. If i become really firm with him will i be hurting him in any way or screwing up some how. Any advice im willing to take into considerations> I dont know if this will help but he is pdd as well as odd! 

by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 11:39 AM
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SamMom912
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 12:38 PM
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I think If you are firm and he fights you, you are asking too much. The spectrum disability is pervasive and being out in the world is work, if he goes to school, that us a ton if work- and after work, his little battery may be done- empty.
It is not worth starting a melt down or pushing him too far. If he doesn't want to- don't force it- that creates s huge wedge between you.
Listen to him.

If you want him to do chores, then make them chores he wants to do, that are exercises, that give him good sensory input.

Cleaning his room - should b more like a game of throwing toys into a bin- and needs to b specifically described.

Putting cans away in pantry after shopping- carrying grocery bags in. Pulling garbage out to end of driveway for men to pick up, throwing garbages ( from around the house into 1 bag)
Putting pillows on bed ( after you have pillow fight). If your cleaning windows or mirror let him spray the windex...

Have these chores be good for him, not random... But exercises that help his body.

Again, any fight means that something is getting in the way- asking too much to not understanding.

Our kids do need to b treated different. They are more vulnerable, are more volatile, have issues with auditory processing, self regulation...if they were typical then they could handle all the world has to offer simply like others.. But they need accommodations, extra thought, extra compassion and extra understanding.

I just don't want u to set urself or him up for fights or misery.... That effects everyones self esteem, self worth, trust, feelings of worthiness...
SamMom912
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 12:45 PM
I want to point out that empathy does not run strong in our little ones... Asking for help requires empathy... It may mean nothing to him ( don't take it personally)

Kids learn empathy by being treated empathetically. If he fights you remember to be empathetic in your response..
"Oh, i didnt think that was too hard for you. You must b tired. If you are tired and this is something you want to do later, i can wait 15-20 minutes?" (Teaching flexibility of actions- another challenge).

The sensory smart child by beil has great suggestions if chores that give proprioceptive and vestibular input.
tinkerspell
by Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 2:02 PM
1 mom liked this

well put I understand I will try hareder that way instead thank you 

Quoting SamMom912:

I think If you are firm and he fights you, you are asking too much. The spectrum disability is pervasive and being out in the world is work, if he goes to school, that us a ton if work- and after work, his little battery may be done- empty.
It is not worth starting a melt down or pushing him too far. If he doesn't want to- don't force it- that creates s huge wedge between you.
Listen to him.

If you want him to do chores, then make them chores he wants to do, that are exercises, that give him good sensory input.

Cleaning his room - should b more like a game of throwing toys into a bin- and needs to b specifically described.

Putting cans away in pantry after shopping- carrying grocery bags in. Pulling garbage out to end of driveway for men to pick up, throwing garbages ( from around the house into 1 bag)
Putting pillows on bed ( after you have pillow fight). If your cleaning windows or mirror let him spray the windex...

Have these chores be good for him, not random... But exercises that help his body.

Again, any fight means that something is getting in the way- asking too much to not understanding.

Our kids do need to b treated different. They are more vulnerable, are more volatile, have issues with auditory processing, self regulation...if they were typical then they could handle all the world has to offer simply like others.. But they need accommodations, extra thought, extra compassion and extra understanding.

I just don't want u to set urself or him up for fights or misery.... That effects everyones self esteem, self worth, trust, feelings of worthiness...


johnns
by Johnna on Oct. 4, 2013 at 2:06 PM
1 mom liked this
Its hard to get any kid to do chores if you ask me! Lol
SamMom912
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 2:19 PM
1 mom liked this
I just think firmness and rigid thinking and behavior begets firm, rigid behavior from them... And flexible, empathetic, compassionate begets that behavior too..

Its one thing to set fair rules ( which you get by discussing your concerns, and listening to their concerns) and expectations. Which sets up success--

Discuss how youd like him to do some stuff during the week. Present some options, lusten to his response, talk it out.

Wheeling or collecting garbage may b smelly for those kids with olfactory sensitives.
But putting silverware away out of dishwasher.. Or sorting socks ( my sons favorite chores!-- along with washing the kitchen floor!) may b interesting.

Hugs!
tinkerspell
by Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 2:23 PM

fair point you make there but it can be so hard and where military so daddy is gone for a month long feild training so a little will go a long way 

Quoting SamMom912:

I just think firmness and rigid thinking and behavior begets firm, rigid behavior from them... And flexible, empathetic, compassionate begets that behavior too..

Its one thing to set fair rules ( which you get by discussing your concerns, and listening to their concerns) and expectations. Which sets up success--

Discuss how youd like him to do some stuff during the week. Present some options, lusten to his response, talk it out.

Wheeling or collecting garbage may b smelly for those kids with olfactory sensitives.
But putting silverware away out of dishwasher.. Or sorting socks ( my sons favorite chores!-- along with washing the kitchen floor!) may b interesting.

Hugs!


SamMom912
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 2:36 PM
I agree military thinking is tough... Tough to handle a rigid kid with that "plan a" unilateral order giving...
My hubby was raised very military ( FIL was Coast Guard Academy, and 8 years active).
Hubby was all about parenting that way... And im pretty set in my ways, stubborn, organized.
At 5 our son was so sad, depressed, unable to meet the challenge of "obeying" that he was suicidal. How horrid!
At that point. Sons therapist suggested we read "the expolsive child"... Our son was explosive and implosive--- since then our world has changed!


Quoting tinkerspell:

fair point you make there but it can be so hard and where military so daddy is gone for a month long feild training so a little will go a long way 

Quoting SamMom912:

I just think firmness and rigid thinking and behavior begets firm, rigid behavior from them... And flexible, empathetic, compassionate begets that behavior too..



Its one thing to set fair rules ( which you get by discussing your concerns, and listening to their concerns) and expectations. Which sets up success--



Discuss how youd like him to do some stuff during the week. Present some options, lusten to his response, talk it out.



Wheeling or collecting garbage may b smelly for those kids with olfactory sensitives.

But putting silverware away out of dishwasher.. Or sorting socks ( my sons favorite chores!-- along with washing the kitchen floor!) may b interesting.



Hugs!



bigmama423
by Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 3:22 PM


Quoting johnns:

Its hard to get any kid to do chores if you ask me! Lol

Exactly!!! :)

Angelmevans
by Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 11:54 PM
We do pick a chore. Each month we write down all the chores that they can do. They each pick three chores. I have learned trying to force my DS to do something makes it worse. This is the reason we went to the picking of the chores. I have a 7 year old and a soon to be 9 year old. My youngest is on the spectrum.

Once they pick them then they right them down on the dry erase board we have on the fridge. They check them off each time they complete them. My son strives on the structure so this has helped a great deal as well


Here are some if our examples;
Feed the dogs in the evening
Feed the cats if necessary
Dust the living room furniture
Wipe the bathroom sinks down(because they always seem to get tooth paste everywhere)
Take the items to the recycling bin
Wipe the walls in the hallway
Make sure dirty laundry gets to the laundry room.

They share a bedroom so both have to clean the room.

We try to keep the chores to one step tasks.

We also put a reward system in place. If they do all their chores for an entire week they get extra electronics time on the weekend.

Sorry for this being so long.
lucasmadre
by Kari on Oct. 5, 2013 at 5:15 AM

I battle this question all the time, when to be firm, when to take it easy. My son (9) would tell you I am too hard on him but I figure our kids, more than any, need all the life skills they can get along the way. Things like keeping up with everyday chores can be really hard for my son so I do try to help him be self reliant whenever possible.

That being said, his room looks like a bomb blew up in there right now so we all do the best we can.  

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