Autism feels like a kidnapper sometimes
My son's name is Xander. He will be 4 next month. I remember him as a baby and as a toddler. He lit up my world. He was sweet and he was funny. Always a little bit on the wild side and needing to move, but also smiley and giggly. Where did all that go? I know it is still in him and I get to see it sometimes, but mostly now he seems uncomfortable, unhappy and overly demanding all while screaching and making odd noises. He acts like he doesn't like me. "Bye bye Mama," "Nigh nigh Mama" sometimes all day long if I even look at him.
He's always all about daddy and I'm really happy that they have that bond, but it just hurts my heart even though I know not to let it that he never wants me around. So many people say "oh, it's just a phase." I truly don't think so, he has been this way since I stopped nursing him at 14.5 months.
I just miss my baby. I miss the baby I knew before I knew he had autism. I know it isn't supposed to change the little boy you always loved, but sometimes I feel like it has. I just used to enjoy him and now everyday feels so hard. I feel like all of his traits, everything he is is all just lumped into one big heavy diagnosis-- ASD. I don't know how to just let it be that he has it and feel like all those people that say it doesn't change them. I thought I had accepted his diagnosis, but the pain, confusion and frustration just keeps lingering.