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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Autism feels like a kidnapper sometimes

Posted by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 11:32 PM
  • 19 Replies

My son's name is Xander. He will be 4 next month. I remember him as a baby and as a toddler. He lit up my world. He was sweet and he was funny. Always a little bit on the wild side and needing to move, but also smiley and giggly. Where did all that go? I know it is still in him and I get to see it sometimes, but mostly now he seems uncomfortable, unhappy and overly demanding all while screaching and making odd noises. He acts like he doesn't like me. "Bye bye Mama," "Nigh nigh Mama" sometimes all day long if I even look at him.

He's always all about daddy and I'm really happy that they have that bond, but it just hurts my heart even though I know not to let it that he never wants me around. So many people say "oh, it's just a phase." I truly don't think so, he has been this way since I stopped nursing him at 14.5 months.

I just miss my baby. I miss the baby I knew before I knew he had autism. I know it isn't supposed to change the little boy you always loved, but sometimes I feel like it has. I just used to enjoy him and now everyday feels so hard. I feel like all of his traits, everything he is is all just lumped into one big heavy diagnosis-- ASD. I don't know how to just let it be that he has it and feel like all those people that say it doesn't change them. I thought I had accepted his diagnosis, but the pain, confusion and frustration just keeps lingering.

by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 11:32 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ineedcoffeemom
by Brittaney on Oct. 8, 2013 at 12:01 AM
3 moms liked this

Not sure it'll make you feel better but my husband has always felt like you do. My daughter and I hold a special bond that he couldn't compete with ..... and he was a stay at home dad until she was 11 months. I honestly don't know how my husband did it, dealing with the rejection all day long ..... her constant crying and never sleeping or just being blank ....... she'd smile the moment I got home, if she cried I could rock her the right way to make her ok and she'd fall asleep.

The bright side is that just recently she has started letting him in. Just little baby steps, hardly noticable at first, but looking back 6 months and looking now, you can definitely see the difference. I can go to the grocery store by myself and she's finally ok being at home alone with him. He comes home and turns on dance music and she'll smile and dance with him. She recently aquired a major fear of hearing her bath water running and since I was the one running the bath, she runs and jumps in daddy's arms and he can actually get her to calm down.

I know you don't think its a phase and I'm sorry to say that I agree that you may never share that same type of special bond with your son, but over time you two will create your own bond .... and you know, it will be special for ya'll ...... because it will fill the gaps for what he doesn't have with his dad.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, autism hurts us moms in so many ways everyday .... I just hope your son will take that first step and reach out to you, even if its just for a moment.

HippoCat
by Hadley on Oct. 8, 2013 at 12:07 AM


It does help. Actually, it helps a lot. Thank you.

Quoting ineedcoffeemom:

Not sure it'll make you feel better but my husband has always felt like you do. My daughter and I hold a special bond that he couldn't compete with ..... and he was a stay at home dad until she was 11 months. I honestly don't know how my husband did it, dealing with the rejection all day long ..... her constant crying and never sleeping or just being blank ....... she'd smile the moment I got home, if she cried I could rock her the right way to make her ok and she'd fall asleep.

The bright side is that just recently she has started letting him in. Just little baby steps, hardly noticable at first, but looking back 6 months and looking now, you can definitely see the difference. I can go to the grocery store by myself and she's finally ok being at home alone with him. He comes home and turns on dance music and she'll smile and dance with him. She recently aquired a major fear of hearing her bath water running and since I was the one running the bath, she runs and jumps in daddy's arms and he can actually get her to calm down.

I know you don't think its a phase and I'm sorry to say that I agree that you may never share that same type of special bond with your son, but over time you two will create your own bond .... and you know, it will be special for ya'll ...... because it will fill the gaps for what he doesn't have with his dad.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, autism hurts us moms in so many ways everyday .... I just hope your son will take that first step and reach out to you, even if its just for a moment.



darbyakeep45
by Darby on Oct. 8, 2013 at 6:25 AM
1 mom liked this

Hugs mama!  I know how you feel:)

MomofCodyGioJoe
by on Oct. 8, 2013 at 9:21 AM

Read some books by Temple Grandin. She is Autistic and amazing!!! It will always be hard but you find your child's strengths and focus on those! My son has Aspergers and he is seven and we struggle everyday but he is doing well. :) 

MomOfOneCoolKid
by Gold Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 1:06 PM

 


Quoting HippoCat:

 

It does help. Actually, it helps a lot. Thank you.

Quoting ineedcoffeemom:

Not sure it'll make you feel better but my husband has always felt like you do. My daughter and I hold a special bond that he couldn't compete with ..... and he was a stay at home dad until she was 11 months. I honestly don't know how my husband did it, dealing with the rejection all day long ..... her constant crying and never sleeping or just being blank ....... she'd smile the moment I got home, if she cried I could rock her the right way to make her ok and she'd fall asleep.

The bright side is that just recently she has started letting him in. Just little baby steps, hardly noticable at first, but looking back 6 months and looking now, you can definitely see the difference. I can go to the grocery store by myself and she's finally ok being at home alone with him. He comes home and turns on dance music and she'll smile and dance with him. She recently aquired a major fear of hearing her bath water running and since I was the one running the bath, she runs and jumps in daddy's arms and he can actually get her to calm down.

I know you don't think its a phase and I'm sorry to say that I agree that you may never share that same type of special bond with your son, but over time you two will create your own bond .... and you know, it will be special for ya'll ...... because it will fill the gaps for what he doesn't have with his dad.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, autism hurts us moms in so many ways everyday .... I just hope your son will take that first step and reach out to you, even if its just for a moment.

 

 

yay for ineedcoffeemom :)

 

MomOfOneCoolKid
by Gold Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 1:11 PM
1 mom liked this

My son sometimes prefers me, sometimes prefers dh, depending on who upset him most recent.

I think it might be b/c you are the one w/ him most of the time, setting boundaries, etc.

Hugs mom.

How about doing something he loves with him and just praising what he is doing for like 20 to 30 mins. Like if he likes dumping water out, let him dump water out and say, "good job dumping the water" etc.

In ABA its called pairing. It is tough though. Sometimes, I set out to have some bonding time w/ ds but i'm feeling a little down and i think he percieves that and attacks me! I've learned to step back and give him a treat in exchange for a kiss and a high five, little bit by little bit i won him over again. This was when it was at its toughest at age 3.

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 2:04 PM
3 moms liked this

You made me cry... 

You know what I miss about those queit moments when he was so little and I didnt know about the ASD....i miss the peaceful promise of how much fun it was going to be to be mommy. I KNEW there was going to be work in parenthood. But, this job of raising my son, is full time.. No days off... Lol.. And hard.. Those quiet moments were filled with plans to go to the circus and have a catch.. they were filled with fun afternoons in the sun at the beach or riding bikes.. the adventure,mthe happiness and joy of watching a child.. MY CHILD.. learn and explore and be HAPPY.....

I thought the hard oart in parenthood was going to be "typical hard." But it is so much more abnormally hard... And the challenges of staying calm when I want to scream, and being positive when I feel negative.. And being relaxed and giving something time.. And I cant stop searching or fighting for all the support he needs... I keep reading and plugging and working to be better.. To make him as GOOD as he can be... 

Its isolating, and those times,, when he was little and I would sit with him in his room... And he would sleep on me... They were nice. They were fantasy.....

And I do get nice moments now.. i admit.. I get a lot comparatively... But (sigh) they are peppered with so many reminders of how challenging it is to be HIS mom... And whats more heartbreaking, is how hard it is to be him. 

I hope I didnt offend anyone, make anyone else sad... 

wildchild.com
by Janine on Oct. 8, 2013 at 2:47 PM
2 moms liked this
Hugs mom...I know how you feel. Sometimes I find myself thinking why? & this is Not what I had planned on & it's not fair. But I just keep on moving...
HippoCat
by Hadley on Oct. 8, 2013 at 3:13 PM


Oh how I tried to sit down and read Temple Grandin. And then I tried again and again. She is so impressive and such a genius, but I can barely get through a paragraph without having to really think about what she is saying. I'm just not ready or her yet I suppose. I will be, but I think it freaks me out that my son might be soooo smart like that and it's just so hard for me to understand it. 

I can't even figure out my sons strengths. I know he is smart, but I don't know why I know. He doesn't really show it- I just know and then I think I am fooling myself. I know he is an excellent climber and very coordinated. I know he really likes books. I think he might be able to read, or maybe he is really good at memorizing (maybe both). Then I feel guilty that I can't figure out what his strengths are. He really likes music and I think it could be a good outlet for him, but I don't know how to capitalize on that without pushing him. Honestly, everything I try I feel like I am failing at. I know that's bing extremely hard on myself an probably not giving him enough credit either, but HOW do I find out WHAT he is good at? Maybe by just relaxing a little huh?

Quoting MomofCodyGioJoe:

Read some books by Temple Grandin. She is Autistic and amazing!!! It will always be hard but you find your child's strengths and focus on those! My son has Aspergers and he is seven and we struggle everyday but he is doing well. :) 



HippoCat
by Hadley on Oct. 8, 2013 at 3:27 PM


Not offended at all! This is how I feel too. I was ready for "typically hard" not "abnormally hard." I was ready for him to enjoy his childhood and his friends the way that I did growing up. I was ready to paint with him and make things with him and put on plays together. I thought he would have outgrown putting the paint on his face by now or running away when there is an opportunity to do something (I think) is fun. He's obsessed with stairs and somedays when he is in a bad mood he just hangs on the railing all day long and just screams noises at me that I don't understand and then he gets even more mad. I can't get him off the damn stairs to get out of the house or try something new and the day passes... On the stairs...unhappy...screeching at me. Yes, these are what I call "Good Times!"

Yes, is very isolating! I didn't know I would loose friends because I had to focus all my attention on my sons well being. I guess the wonderful baby times were just that- wonderful baby times filled with fantasy that we have just outgrown and that are good memories.

The thing is, sometimes he is really happy. Like really genuinely happy and just a sweet little boy. I can't figure out what is different at those times. Is it his diet? How much sleep he got? If his gut hurts? If I did something wrong? If the air feels different? I can't figure it out and  I don't know how to help him have more of those times.

Quoting SamMom912:

You made me cry... 

You know what I miss about those queit moments when he was so little and I didnt know about the ASD....i miss the peaceful promise of how much fun it was going to be to be mommy. I KNEW there was going to be work in parenthood. But, this job of raising my son, is full time.. No days off... Lol.. And hard.. Those quiet moments were filled with plans to go to the circus and have a catch.. they were filled with fun afternoons in the sun at the beach or riding bikes.. the adventure,mthe happiness and joy of watching a child.. MY CHILD.. learn and explore and be HAPPY.....

I thought the hard oart in parenthood was going to be "typical hard." But it is so much more abnormally hard... And the challenges of staying calm when I want to scream, and being positive when I feel negative.. And being relaxed and giving something time.. And I cant stop searching or fighting for all the support he needs... I keep reading and plugging and working to be better.. To make him as GOOD as he can be... 

Its isolating, and those times,, when he was little and I would sit with him in his room... And he would sleep on me... They were nice. They were fantasy.....

And I do get nice moments now.. i admit.. I get a lot comparatively... But (sigh) they are peppered with so many reminders of how challenging it is to be HIS mom... And whats more heartbreaking, is how hard it is to be him. 

I hope I didnt offend anyone, make anyone else sad... 



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