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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Am I handling him the right way? Second guessing...

Posted by on Oct. 12, 2013 at 9:25 PM
  • 17 Replies

I wanted to say that I have enjoyed reading everyone's different posts on here.

I just feel like I have been attacked by a couple different people today. I am wondering if I am handling him OK. My 13 year old niece asked me if I thought that most of his yelling is being exaggerated. She thinks that he was listening to us talking about the diagnosis and he now realizes that something is going on. So, he is over reacting. I do think around that time I changed the way I handle things. I do yell when the kids do things they aren't supposed to. But I have been trying to use my words and help for Nicolas to see what he is doing wrong instead of yelling and putting him in a time out that is awful. It is horrible keeping him there. I don't know if her opinion is valid, or if the way I am handling things is what has changed his behavior a little.

Then Nicolas wanted to watch RIO again for the 3rd time. I told him that I was gonna put on a halloween show. He started to flip out. So, I let him have his meltdown. I have been trying to let him yell it out unless he starts to hurt his self or me. Well, he saw that and then started to hit me and the TV. So, I held him tight and after about 5 minutes he did calm down. We tried again and I told him that he can watch the movie after we watch the one I picked if he listened. (I didn't want to give in when he was having a meltdown. I don't want him to think that if he yells and screams that I'm gonna give in.) He started all over again. The behaviors got worse though. He started punching me in the leg, and then punching the TV. The next move was to go to his room and shut the door. That is always the last place. He flipped out for another 10 minutes hitting the door and yelling. He finally started to calm down, so I took that chance to help him calm more. I went in and rocked him while hugging him. He asked for the movie and I started telling him about spookley the pumpkin. That the other pumpkins make fun of him, and how that's not nice. It got his attention and he finally was able to sit down and watch my movie. (he did get RIO again after he got a bath. He asked nicely when Spookley was over and I agreed if he got a bath nicely)

My mother thinks that I should have given him what he wanted and can't believe that all that was over a movie. I guess I am starting to second guess how I handle him. What does everyone else think? OH, if it makes a difference. He will be 4 next month, and he has high functioning, moderate ASD.

by on Oct. 12, 2013 at 9:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
NiyasMom1
by Bronze Member on Oct. 12, 2013 at 9:48 PM
1 mom liked this
Each of our kiddos are different and we have to try many different techniques until we find something that works. I'm still new at this and my daughter has severe autism so unfortunately I don't have any advice to give but I do believe that our children DD or not should be taught to understand consequences for their behavior and that you are rewarded for your good behavior and not the bad. With our kids, teaching those values is easier said than done. I don't think that it was mishandled personally, maybe if he consistently sees that if he ask nicely and allows others to have their turn as well, then he can have what he wants it will catch on in time. Everyone is gonna have a well intentioned opinion but you have to do what you think is right for him, in spite of their opinions. I hope it all works out for you momma, Hugs!!!
Charizma77
by Carissa on Oct. 12, 2013 at 10:03 PM
2 moms liked this

Everyone is going to have an opinion and you will have to take what they say with a grain of salt, although maybe once in awhile their opinions will help but you are his mom and you know what works best so if you are second guessing yourself maybe you could reevaluate a few things and make some notes of what you think is working and what isn't working and when someone questions something you would have already given it some thought..  I find keeping a journal is helpful in situations like those. Big hugs! 

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Oct. 12, 2013 at 11:13 PM
2 moms liked this

Im going to suggest you do some helpful reading. 

The explosive child by ross greene. The sensory sensitive child by smith and gouse and raising a sensory smart child by biel. All are aviable at the library... id start with Ross Greene. The first two are easy, entertaining reads. The 3rd is a little tougher (textbooky- but super informative).

IMO I do think you are making some unecessary difficulties for yourself. I think raising a tough kid is hard enough... Dont make it harder. 

I think when you get frustrated you yell.. (A lot of us do, Im a yeller too!) BUT.. Your adding fuel to the fire when you yell. When your son freaks out, YOU need to remain calm. IF you cant remain calm.. Then YOU need to leave the room and take a time out until you can handle him calmly. Our children have self regualtion issues... They are dysregulated. When you add to that by yelling, you dont help to calm.. You add to the fire... So stop. When your son is yelling remember there are only 3 things to do... 

Diffuse the situation, de-escalate his behavior, give him something he CAN do to get rid of his anger. Dont punish him.. Just let him know his behavior isnt approproate and give him something he can do.. I send my son to his trampoline in his playroom or his punchy guy (one of those inflatable hockey players.. Hits the floor when you hit it) i remind him that I think his engine is running really high.. And he needs to get it down to a good level.. These two exercises help him... (Talk tomyour son during a calm time to help him figure out what works for him.) and I tell him when he is feeling better.. id love to talk about how we can calmly resolve the issue. 

Can I ask what was the big deal about watching Rio again. Could you have presented it in a softer way? 

Inflexible and explosive children have difficulty managing and controlling emotions associated with frustration.  They also have difficulty “thinking through” ways of resolving frustrating situations.  In these children, frustration (usually caused by a demand) often leads to a state of cognitive debilitation in which the child:
• Has difficulty remembering how to stay calm and problem-solve;
• Has difficulty recalling the consequences of previous episodes;
• May not be responsive to reasoned attempts to restore coherence; and
• May deteriorate even further in response to limit setting and punishment.

Inflexible and explosive children have an extremely low frustration threshold. They become frustrated more easily and for seemingly trivial things (we know in autism, however, that what may seem trivial to us is often anything but trivial to our children!) they have an extremely low tolerance for frustration. So not only are they more easily frustrated, but also the experience of being frustrated itself can be very intense, disorganizing and sometimes overwhelming. They also have a tendency to think in a concrete, rigid and black-and-white manner. AND they persist in their inflexibility and poor response even in the face of meaningful consequences.

If you didnt understand the basic characteristics that can cause distress in a child with autism, you might be led to think they are just “being bad”, or “manipulative”, or “controlling”.  You might also choose inappropriate techniques to manage these crises, thinking that if you just keep piling on consequences, you will win the battle.  But when you understand the characteristics of the inflexible, explosive and autistic child and how these characteristics are determined by neurological difference, you realize that it is never a battle where someone wins and someone loses.  Becoming so frustrated that you lose control of your body and of your rational mind is distressing - for the frustrated child and for you.  No one ever, ever wins.

Nickmom1118
by Nicole on Oct. 12, 2013 at 11:28 PM

 What I was saying about yelling is that since I have gotten the diagnosis, I have stopped yelling. I am trying to approach him in a different way. I realized that it wasn't working and that is why I am trying to talk to him about his decisions.

With the movie, I had already told him that we were going to watch something else, so I just didn't want him to think that if he yells or hits that he will get his way. That is why when he calmed down and asked, he did get it. I am trying to figure out a better way to handle his fits. One suggestion that i got from a psychologist is to give him his own space. Maybe a tent or big box with a blanket and other little things in there. But I haven't been able to do this yet. I liked this idea. I would love to send him someplace like that rather than his room.

I am new to all of this, and that is why I was asking what everyone thought. To see if there is anything that I could fix with the way I was doing things. Thank you for the information.


Quoting SamMom912:

Im going to suggest you do some helpful reading. 

The explosive child by ross greene. The sensory sensitive child by smith and gouse and raising a sensory smart child by biel. All are aviable at the library... id start with Ross Greene. The first two are easy, entertaining reads. The 3rd is a little tougher (textbooky- but super informative).

IMO I do think you are making some unecessary difficulties for yourself. I think raising a tough kid is hard enough... Dont make it harder. 

I think when you get frustrated you yell.. (A lot of us do, Im a yeller too!) BUT.. Your adding fuel to the fire when you yell. When your son freaks out, YOU need to remain calm. IF you cant remain calm.. Then YOU need to leave the room and take a time out until you can handle him calmly. Our children have self regualtion issues... They are dysregulated. When you add to that by yelling, you dont help to calm.. You add to the fire... So stop. When your son is yelling remember there are only 3 things to do... 

Diffuse the situation, de-escalate his behavior, give him something he CAN do to get rid of his anger. Dont punish him.. Just let him know his behavior isnt approproate and give him something he can do.. I send my son to his trampoline in his playroom or his punchy guy (one of those inflatable hockey players.. Hits the floor when you hit it) i remind him that I think his engine is running really high.. And he needs to get it down to a good level.. These two exercises help him... (Talk tomyour son during a calm time to help him figure out what works for him.) and I tell him when he is feeling better.. id love to talk about how we can calmly resolve the issue. 

Can I ask what was the big deal about watching Rio again. Could you have presented it in a softer way? 

 

Inflexible and explosive children have difficulty managing and controlling emotions associated with frustration.  They also have difficulty “thinking through” ways of resolving frustrating situations.  In these children, frustration (usually caused by a demand) often leads to a state of cognitive debilitation in which the child:
• Has difficulty remembering how to stay calm and problem-solve;
• Has difficulty recalling the consequences of previous episodes;
• May not be responsive to reasoned attempts to restore coherence; and
• May deteriorate even further in response to limit setting and punishment.

 

Inflexible and explosive children have an extremely low frustration threshold. They become frustrated more easily and for seemingly trivial things (we know in autism, however, that what may seem trivial to us is often anything but trivial to our children!) they have an extremely low tolerance for frustration. So not only are they more easily frustrated, but also the experience of being frustrated itself can be very intense, disorganizing and sometimes overwhelming. They also have a tendency to think in a concrete, rigid and black-and-white manner. AND they persist in their inflexibility and poor response even in the face of meaningful consequences.

If you didnt understand the basic characteristics that can cause distress in a child with autism, you might be led to think they are just “being bad”, or “manipulative”, or “controlling”.  You might also choose inappropriate techniques to manage these crises, thinking that if you just keep piling on consequences, you will win the battle.  But when you understand the characteristics of the inflexible, explosive and autistic child and how these characteristics are determined by neurological difference, you realize that it is never a battle where someone wins and someone loses.  Becoming so frustrated that you lose control of your body and of your rational mind is distressing - for the frustrated child and for you.  No one ever, ever wins.


 

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Oct. 12, 2013 at 11:48 PM


Nickmom.. I hope you didnt think I was attacking you. NOT at all.. All I emant was its HARD to not yell.. Im the same way.. I just wanted you to see that its fueling the fire... Im glad your looking for a different approach. 

Our kids dont learn that their yelling gets them things.... We dont yell to get our way.. We yell when we think no ones listening to our needs and wants. Your son needs you to understnad in his little black and white world Rio needed to be on again. Lol.. He needed the comfort. The repotition. Its fine if that wasnt the plan with you.. But, you need to get him on board with your plans... You need to have him buy in.. And not just switch the gear... That is too hard for him.. Which is why he was reistsant. We are all resistant when things exceed our capabilities. 

Im SUPER glad he calmed down.. SUPER glad he asked in a nice way. Thats wonderful reinforcement. Im so glad he did that... 

But before he goes off the deep end.. A better way to diffuse and de escalate.. "Wow, I didnt realize NOT watching Rio would be so hard for you. You are really enjoying that movie. I know cousin is here and wanted to watch spookley the pumpkin. hwat do you think if we give that a try? ANd just have him buy into the change... It may still be met with resistance... And you may need to reassure him Rio can go on after,,. Or ? Help him to problem solve.. Help to lessen his frustration,,

Sending him away to a time out spot may not b helpful.. It may be.. You know him best. :) my son hated being sent away. He needed my help and my support to calm and soothe... Not holding him- just being calm and quiet next to him. When I sent him away (he is very verbal and a little older) he said it made him feel bad and unloved. He was happier and felt more accepted when we were together.. And he also mentioned once that he likes How I know that he is teying hard... But this is hard for him... 


Quoting Nickmom1118:

 What I was saying about yelling is that since I have gotten the diagnosis, I have stopped yelling. I am trying to approach him in a different way. I realized that it wasn't working and that is why I am trying to talk to him about his decisions.

With the movie, I had already told him that we were going to watch something else, so I just didn't want him to think that if he yells or hits that he will get his way. That is why when he calmed down and asked, he did get it. I am trying to figure out a better way to handle his fits. One suggestion that i got from a psychologist is to give him his own space. Maybe a tent or big box with a blanket and other little things in there. But I haven't been able to do this yet. I liked this idea. I would love to send him someplace like that rather than his room.

I am new to all of this, and that is why I was asking what everyone thought. To see if there is anything that I could fix with the way I was doing things. Thank you for the information.


Quoting SamMom912:

Im going to suggest you do some helpful reading. 

The explosive child by ross greene. The sensory sensitive child by smith and gouse and raising a sensory smart child by biel. All are aviable at the library... id start with Ross Greene. The first two are easy, entertaining reads. The 3rd is a little tougher (textbooky- but super informative).

IMO I do think you are making some unecessary difficulties for yourself. I think raising a tough kid is hard enough... Dont make it harder. 

I think when you get frustrated you yell.. (A lot of us do, Im a yeller too!) BUT.. Your adding fuel to the fire when you yell. When your son freaks out, YOU need to remain calm. IF you cant remain calm.. Then YOU need to leave the room and take a time out until you can handle him calmly. Our children have self regualtion issues... They are dysregulated. When you add to that by yelling, you dont help to calm.. You add to the fire... So stop. When your son is yelling remember there are only 3 things to do... 

Diffuse the situation, de-escalate his behavior, give him something he CAN do to get rid of his anger. Dont punish him.. Just let him know his behavior isnt approproate and give him something he can do.. I send my son to his trampoline in his playroom or his punchy guy (one of those inflatable hockey players.. Hits the floor when you hit it) i remind him that I think his engine is running really high.. And he needs to get it down to a good level.. These two exercises help him... (Talk tomyour son during a calm time to help him figure out what works for him.) and I tell him when he is feeling better.. id love to talk about how we can calmly resolve the issue. 

Can I ask what was the big deal about watching Rio again. Could you have presented it in a softer way? 


Inflexible and explosive children have difficulty managing and controlling emotions associated with frustration.  They also have difficulty “thinking through” ways of resolving frustrating situations.  In these children, frustration (usually caused by a demand) often leads to a state of cognitive debilitation in which the child:
• Has difficulty remembering how to stay calm and problem-solve;
• Has difficulty recalling the consequences of previous episodes;
• May not be responsive to reasoned attempts to restore coherence; and
• May deteriorate even further in response to limit setting and punishment.


Inflexible and explosive children have an extremely low frustration threshold. They become frustrated more easily and for seemingly trivial things (we know in autism, however, that what may seem trivial to us is often anything but trivial to our children!) they have an extremely low tolerance for frustration. So not only are they more easily frustrated, but also the experience of being frustrated itself can be very intense, disorganizing and sometimes overwhelming. They also have a tendency to think in a concrete, rigid and black-and-white manner. AND they persist in their inflexibility and poor response even in the face of meaningful consequences.

If you didnt understand the basic characteristics that can cause distress in a child with autism, you might be led to think they are just “being bad”, or “manipulative”, or “controlling”.  You might also choose inappropriate techniques to manage these crises, thinking that if you just keep piling on consequences, you will win the battle.  But when you understand the characteristics of the inflexible, explosive and autistic child and how these characteristics are determined by neurological difference, you realize that it is never a battle where someone wins and someone loses.  Becoming so frustrated that you lose control of your body and of your rational mind is distressing - for the frustrated child and for you.  No one ever, ever wins.





darbyakeep45
by Darby on Oct. 13, 2013 at 5:46 AM

Hugs mama!  I focus more on what's best for MY child and I don't worry about what other people say or do.

SAMI_JO
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2013 at 6:13 AM

 I think you handled it perfectly.  ((hugs momma))

terri-553
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2013 at 7:14 AM

hugsThis is an not an easy road,As Grandma to Thomas (10)Michah(6)both have totally differnet levels,and not everyone has any idea,what this road is like,You will learn to pick/chose your battles.And as with all kids our SNeeds kids are no differnet they learn right from wrong,It is a learning process,it jsut takes some time

johnns
by Johnna on Oct. 13, 2013 at 8:24 AM
Its a tough gig mama- I'm right there with you. To be honest, some days I wear my patience hat better than other days. Sometimes I know what battles to choose, sometimes I just get tired of trying to figure out which battles! Some days I just get darn sick of kids not minding me-- NT, ASD, or otherwise!
Some things seem black and white to me also- no hitting, no biting, no breaking of MY crap, I could go on all day.
I've been very frustrated in figuring out how to connect! Its also been fall break and a long week! I guess we will both just hang in there and take one meltdown at a time.
Nickmom1118
by Nicole on Oct. 13, 2013 at 9:00 AM
No, I didn't think u were attacking. The room wasn't really a time out spot but somewhere that he can calm down without hurting me or breaking anything but his own toys. Like I said, I'm working on getting a tent or something to create a calm down spot downstairs. I tried just being with him. I was setting him off more. He just needed to be by hisself.

Thx for ur advice. I'll think about it some more.


Quoting SamMom912:


Nickmom.. I hope you didnt think I was attacking you. NOT at all.. All I emant was its HARD to not yell.. Im the same way.. I just wanted you to see that its fueling the fire... Im glad your looking for a different approach. 

Our kids dont learn that their yelling gets them things.... We dont yell to get our way.. We yell when we think no ones listening to our needs and wants. Your son needs you to understnad in his little black and white world Rio needed to be on again. Lol.. He needed the comfort. The repotition. Its fine if that wasnt the plan with you.. But, you need to get him on board with your plans... You need to have him buy in.. And not just switch the gear... That is too hard for him.. Which is why he was reistsant. We are all resistant when things exceed our capabilities. 

Im SUPER glad he calmed down.. SUPER glad he asked in a nice way. Thats wonderful reinforcement. Im so glad he did that... 

But before he goes off the deep end.. A better way to diffuse and de escalate.. "Wow, I didnt realize NOT watching Rio would be so hard for you. You are really enjoying that movie. I know cousin is here and wanted to watch spookley the pumpkin. hwat do you think if we give that a try? ANd just have him buy into the change... It may still be met with resistance... And you may need to reassure him Rio can go on after,,. Or ? Help him to problem solve.. Help to lessen his frustration,,

Sending him away to a time out spot may not b helpful.. It may be.. You know him best. :) my son hated being sent away. He needed my help and my support to calm and soothe... Not holding him- just being calm and quiet next to him. When I sent him away (he is very verbal and a little older) he said it made him feel bad and unloved. He was happier and felt more accepted when we were together.. And he also mentioned once that he likes How I know that he is teying hard... But this is hard for him... 



Quoting Nickmom1118:

 What I was saying about yelling is that since I have gotten the diagnosis, I have stopped yelling. I am trying to approach him in a different way. I realized that it wasn't working and that is why I am trying to talk to him about his decisions.


With the movie, I had already told him that we were going to watch something else, so I just didn't want him to think that if he yells or hits that he will get his way. That is why when he calmed down and asked, he did get it. I am trying to figure out a better way to handle his fits. One suggestion that i got from a psychologist is to give him his own space. Maybe a tent or big box with a blanket and other little things in there. But I haven't been able to do this yet. I liked this idea. I would love to send him someplace like that rather than his room.


I am new to all of this, and that is why I was asking what everyone thought. To see if there is anything that I could fix with the way I was doing things. Thank you for the information.




Quoting SamMom912:


Im going to suggest you do some helpful reading. 


The explosive child by ross greene. The sensory sensitive child by smith and gouse and raising a sensory smart child by biel. All are aviable at the library... id start with Ross Greene. The first two are easy, entertaining reads. The 3rd is a little tougher (textbooky- but super informative).


IMO I do think you are making some unecessary difficulties for yourself. I think raising a tough kid is hard enough... Dont make it harder. 


I think when you get frustrated you yell.. (A lot of us do, Im a yeller too!) BUT.. Your adding fuel to the fire when you yell. When your son freaks out, YOU need to remain calm. IF you cant remain calm.. Then YOU need to leave the room and take a time out until you can handle him calmly. Our children have self regualtion issues... They are dysregulated. When you add to that by yelling, you dont help to calm.. You add to the fire... So stop. When your son is yelling remember there are only 3 things to do... 


Diffuse the situation, de-escalate his behavior, give him something he CAN do to get rid of his anger. Dont punish him.. Just let him know his behavior isnt approproate and give him something he can do.. I send my son to his trampoline in his playroom or his punchy guy (one of those inflatable hockey players.. Hits the floor when you hit it) i remind him that I think his engine is running really high.. And he needs to get it down to a good level.. These two exercises help him... (Talk tomyour son during a calm time to help him figure out what works for him.) and I tell him when he is feeling better.. id love to talk about how we can calmly resolve the issue. 


Can I ask what was the big deal about watching Rio again. Could you have presented it in a softer way? 




Inflexible and explosive children have difficulty managing and controlling emotions associated with frustration.  They also have difficulty “thinking through” ways of resolving frustrating situations.  In these children, frustration (usually caused by a demand) often leads to a state of cognitive debilitation in which the child:


• Has difficulty remembering how to stay calm and problem-solve;


• Has difficulty recalling the consequences of previous episodes;


• May not be responsive to reasoned attempts to restore coherence; and


• May deteriorate even further in response to limit setting and punishment.



Inflexible and explosive children have an extremely low frustration threshold. They become frustrated more easily and for seemingly trivial things (we know in autism, however, that what may seem trivial to us is often anything but trivial to our children!) they have an extremely low tolerance for frustration. So not only are they more easily frustrated, but also the experience of being frustrated itself can be very intense, disorganizing and sometimes overwhelming. They also have a tendency to think in a concrete, rigid and black-and-white manner. AND they persist in their inflexibility and poor response even in the face of meaningful consequences.



If you didnt understand the basic characteristics that can cause distress in a child with autism, you might be led to think they are just “being bad”, or “manipulative”, or “controlling”.  You might also choose inappropriate techniques to manage these crises, thinking that if you just keep piling on consequences, you will win the battle.  But when you understand the characteristics of the inflexible, explosive and autistic child and how these characteristics are determined by neurological difference, you realize that it is never a battle where someone wins and someone loses.  Becoming so frustrated that you lose control of your body and of your rational mind is distressing - for the frustrated child and for you.  No one ever, ever wins.










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