I have reached for the first time one of those if only states.
When I see my 6 year old ASD son, all I think is about his happiness and well being. I am so strict with him and very clear about boundaries, though he gets two chances. I get so angry with NT son because he understands what I say to him.
They have the same rules, but the method of communication and reinforcements are different. I feel like a failure as a mom. NT son is developed ahead of his 5 years and tests the boundaries. I know that it's not fair that his older brother is on the spectrum, and its not his problem. But I get so mad at him sometimes.
Sometimes I feel as if I am approaching this the wrong way. Being too lenient with NT son with a few chances instead of the first time, being too harsh with ASD son with not enough chances.
I love how doctors in 45 mns can tell you everything medically with your child. I have yet to encounter a specialist on the daily struggles. Yes, we are approved for ABA, we are waitlisted. To be honest, ds has private and school therapy, NT son does karate 3x a week. We literally get the weekends for fun, which my kids, dh and I need so badly at times.
When I look at ASD son, I catch a faraway look at times, and it almost makes me cry. He is so happy in the outdoors, being around so many people makes him retreat within himself so much. We try to do camping, hiking, animal conservation type activities, and he just shines. I can't wait for the day when he can spend his days doing animal research and has to deal with cities minimally. But then again, he needs those services that are offered in urban areas.
I hope one day he can cope well enough where we can move to a rural community.
The hardest part is that he asks for nothing, but when he observes animals, I see him being truly happy. Its so hard, because I don't see that look enough. My NT has so many things that makes him happy, its so unfair sometimes how NT are able to experience joy everday and my ASD son experiences happiness so little.
I know that it sounds stupid. Nobody asks to be born a certain way, and I know that some families deal with more difficult situations. I just feel guilty, like if I had found a way to carry him to term and he didn't have to be in the NICU for four months; I could see him more happy. Its not hard for us to deal with the doctors, its hard to try so hard to connect with how he feels at times.
I literally remind some doctors to ask him questions, not me. I know that he communicates differently, but he's still a human being. Does he even understand that he's being discussed as if he's not there. It angers me that he is treated as if he's invisible; I don't know if he's indifferent or what.
Thanks for the vent.