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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

some ideas how to control 10 year old Boy Violence behavior especially when you tell him no.

Posted by on Nov. 16, 2013 at 1:59 PM
  • 41 Replies

Hi my fellow mothers, i am so happy i have found this place. I  have been straggling with my child violence behavior for years, he is 10 years old know. The funny thing is, he is only violent towards me only, but supper sweet to especially kids. If i say no that triggers everything, he bits, scratches, kicks. I am 53 my energy is not there, i get so tired just to try discipline him. I really straggle with this. When i try to discipline  his violence becomes worse, it takes about 3 hours to come down, at that time i am so tired. I worry so much that one of us is going to get hurt, i am sorry to say sometimes i am afraid of my own child. Please can someone help. What should i do, does anyone out there have same situation like mine?

Bella

by on Nov. 16, 2013 at 1:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
wildchild.com
by Janine on Nov. 16, 2013 at 2:15 PM
2 moms liked this
Hi Bella & welcome. I'm Janine my son Brady can get violent too. He's 8 & getting bigger everyday. The only thing that seems to curve that behavior is taking things away & sticking to it. I NEVER give in & I'm firm. Last summer was the worst he was biting, pulling hair, hitting & kicking on a daily basis & like you he would only do this with me. I think alot of it was too much tv. He was getting overstimulated so I cut that down to certain days & times. Also he is no longer aloud to use the remote. That was making him anxious. He's much better behaved now that he knows I will take away whatever he values if he doesn't bahave.
mypbandj
by Jen on Nov. 16, 2013 at 2:41 PM
5 moms liked this
Hi and welcome!!
Since he only does this with you, it's probably because it works for him. It gets him his way.
In any behavior, it will get worse before it gets better. It's like this, if he knows throwing a fit works, then when you try to put your foot down, he will have to do it MORE. And when you finally give up and let him win, you've just trained him to do it MORE. And so it becomes a vicious cycle.
When you're trying to modify a behavior, you need to replace it with something else. Try to work on just one behavior at a time. Like having him respond appropriately to you telling him no.
Start off before he is upset. Look for a neutral time. A time when nothing is even going poorly. Begin the conversation of: when I tell you no, I want you to (describe what you want him to do specifically). Avoid abstract ideas like 'be good' or 'act nice' or 'make a good choice.' Tell him specifically, say ok and then sit in this chair. Or whatever. Just be specific and tell him what to do. (It's not about telling him what to not do - so instead of telling him: stop yelling. You say: say ok.) tell him what it is you want him to do. Specifically.

Next set up a consequence. So tell him, when you scream at me and pull my hair after I say no, that is not allowed anymore. If you do that you will have to go to your room and there will be no more iPad or tv the rest of the day.

So to summarize so far, you're going to talk to him about the new rule (telling him specifically what TO do). You're going to do this at a neutral time while nobody is angry. And you're going to explain the consequence of not doing it.

Next: practice. Set up a role play. Have him ask for something. Tell him no. And then encourage him to do whatever it is you're instructing him to do. And praise those efforts. Practice on little things. Things that won't make him mad. It's a game.

Give him alternatives to hitting you. Again, these are alternatives you both talk about and practice before he is upset. Neutral times. Ideas are, hitting a punching bag or jumping on a trampoline or yelling into a pillow.

All this sets you up for the real deal. So when it happens, you've both practiced. You encourage him to do what he has practiced. You'd say: I am telling you no. I know that makes you mad. You can go jump on the trampoline until you feel better.
If he hits you you say: you may not hit me. For hitting you will loose the iPad today. (Pick a consequence that matters to him). And when he's mad about that he can still go jump or yell or whatever. But the consequence doesn't change. No matter what.
I want to make sure you realize how important it is to make sure you always follow through on what you say. Before you even say something, ask yourself: am I REALLY going to follow through? Cause if you know you won't, DO NOT SAY IT!!
Saying things that you don't follow through on only hurt you kids are smart and they learn that you aren't going to do it. You want them to believe you
Good luck and I hope that helps.
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darbyakeep45
by Darby on Nov. 16, 2013 at 7:09 PM
2 moms liked this

Welcome Bella!  Glad you are here.  These ladies have some wonderful advice.  Have you ever considered behavioral therapy or a counselor?

LivenLifeFrugal
by on Nov. 16, 2013 at 7:19 PM
Welcome Bella....as someone in the behaviour profession I have to agree with trying any or all suggestions currently offered.

Dealing with an aggressive child is exhausting, frustrating and can make you judge your own parenting abilities. Don't give up. Consistancy is key, give in just 1 & the behaviour will only continue.

I would also suggest finding a support group for yourself in your area. And remember it maybe what you are doing but it isnt necessarily wrong just not right for your son.
JTMOM422
by Brenda on Nov. 16, 2013 at 8:04 PM

Welcome to the group Bella. Does your son have a therapist you can talk to or a behaviorist? If so I would talk to them. There is definately something wrong if he is getting violent. Does he take any meds? I hate hearing you are afraid of your own child. I would make an appt for him to be seen. It's not good for either of you if he is doing this. Like you said someone might get hurt

JTMOM422
by Brenda on Nov. 16, 2013 at 8:05 PM

I read what Jen wrote and she is giving some great advice. 

Jenibob
by Bronze Member on Nov. 16, 2013 at 9:11 PM
1 mom liked this
Welcome to the group. Make sure you have clear expectations and rules. Consequences included. My son is visual, he keeps written rules and our plan on the fridge. Call on your support people to aid you, moms need breaks too! If you think you may need extra support find out if multi systemic therapy is available in your area and get more info about their services. Hang in there!
emarin77
by Silver Member on Nov. 16, 2013 at 9:20 PM
1 mom liked this

He needs to learn how to communicate his anger.  You need to teach him how to use his words, sign, or IPad.  When he hits you need to tell him "we do not hit we use our words, sign, or Ipad to communicate I'm angry."  You repeatedly have to teach this.  You can use a behavieral chart for him with positive reinforcement and punishment.  Have him tell you what his smaller award is when he communicates to you and use write an x for when he hits you.  When you find him more positive reinforcements on his chart for the week celebrate with a second award on Saturday.  Let your son choose what this is. 

SAMI_JO
by on Nov. 16, 2013 at 10:24 PM

 Bella, I am walking the same path as you. My son is 15 yrs old, 6ft and 295lbs. And he is way out of control. Yes many nights and days I am afraid of him. I have had to call 911 for help 4 times this year. We have been in every kind of therapy they offer over the past 12 years and nothing has worked. I am sorry that I couldn't give you an answer just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this struggle. It is a long, hard, painful road. Will keep you in my prayers.

SAMI_JO
by on Nov. 16, 2013 at 10:27 PM

 Do you personally have a child like we have? It don't sound like it.

Quoting mypbandj:

Hi and welcome!!
Since he only does this with you, it's probably because it works for him. It gets him his way.
In any behavior, it will get worse before it gets better. It's like this, if he knows throwing a fit works, then when you try to put your foot down, he will have to do it MORE. And when you finally give up and let him win, you've just trained him to do it MORE. And so it becomes a vicious cycle.
When you're trying to modify a behavior, you need to replace it with something else. Try to work on just one behavior at a time. Like having him respond appropriately to you telling him no.
Start off before he is upset. Look for a neutral time. A time when nothing is even going poorly. Begin the conversation of: when I tell you no, I want you to (describe what you want him to do specifically). Avoid abstract ideas like 'be good' or 'act nice' or 'make a good choice.' Tell him specifically, say ok and then sit in this chair. Or whatever. Just be specific and tell him what to do. (It's not about telling him what to not do - so instead of telling him: stop yelling. You say: say ok.) tell him what it is you want him to do. Specifically.

Next set up a consequence. So tell him, when you scream at me and pull my hair after I say no, that is not allowed anymore. If you do that you will have to go to your room and there will be no more iPad or tv the rest of the day.

So to summarize so far, you're going to talk to him about the new rule (telling him specifically what TO do). You're going to do this at a neutral time while nobody is angry. And you're going to explain the consequence of not doing it.

Next: practice. Set up a role play. Have him ask for something. Tell him no. And then encourage him to do whatever it is you're instructing him to do. And praise those efforts. Practice on little things. Things that won't make him mad. It's a game.

Give him alternatives to hitting you. Again, these are alternatives you both talk about and practice before he is upset. Neutral times. Ideas are, hitting a punching bag or jumping on a trampoline or yelling into a pillow.

All this sets you up for the real deal. So when it happens, you've both practiced. You encourage him to do what he has practiced. You'd say: I am telling you no. I know that makes you mad. You can go jump on the trampoline until you feel better.
If he hits you you say: you may not hit me. For hitting you will loose the iPad today. (Pick a consequence that matters to him). And when he's mad about that he can still go jump or yell or whatever. But the consequence doesn't change. No matter what.
I want to make sure you realize how important it is to make sure you always follow through on what you say. Before you even say something, ask yourself: am I REALLY going to follow through? Cause if you know you won't, DO NOT SAY IT!!
Saying things that you don't follow through on only hurt you kids are smart and they learn that you aren't going to do it. You want them to believe you
Good luck and I hope that helps.

 

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