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Is this normal grandparent behavior? Why won't she accept him?

Posted by on Nov. 20, 2013 at 1:43 AM
  • 34 Replies

It's been awhile since I've been posting on here. Things have been going well for us. At least as best it can go for a family with a child with ASD/Asperger's. Ricky finally found roller hockey to be a great outlet, and he is making friends and feeling great. I've noticed that with the holidays approaching, he has become obsessed with all the Christmas Commercials coming out before Thanksgiving. This upsets him, as he says, "Christmas is not the next holiday, Thanksgiving is!" Sometimes causing him unable to regulate. Anyone else have this issue? and how can I help him through this through the next week? After Thanksgiving, he will be fine, but this is getting harder each day since there are more and more Christmas advertisements everywhere. Also, Sunday we had a family member become very verbally mean and aggressive towards him because he did not want to wear a certain shirt for a photo. Now, of course I stepped in and protected my son by simply telling her that she was not going to speak or treat him like that. She then storms out, causing a scene. Of course I don't give a crap what she does, she's crazy, but my own mother took her side, and she is now being cold, and distant towards me. She hasn't even called to check on us. She expects me to apologize! This was told to me via one of her friends. (This is not going to happen!) I will never apologize for defending my children! She said that she doesn't understand his behavior, and refuses to accept that he has ASD. I have tried giving her literature on his condition, even asked her to come to his appointments, but nothing.Does anyone else face this issue with family members. And is it normal that a grandparent do this? Whew, already feel better. :-)

by on Nov. 20, 2013 at 1:43 AM
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by on Nov. 20, 2013 at 1:50 AM
Wow :( my mil is very against dd being "labeled" but thankfully she is half way across the country. My parents are very accepting & patient with dd. My mil tried to convince us to not let dd go in to early childhood special education, she admits she was wrong now that dd is in k. I guess she thought it was a phase
by on Nov. 20, 2013 at 3:27 AM
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You dont need those family members in your life and you really dont need them in your sons life. Might sound mean but the more drama you can cut from your live the easier everything gets. Having a special needs child is already HARD you dont need other people to add more to it.

And for the ads how about doing more ondemand Tv and more movies and keep away from live tv for the next week. Also explain to him how they are gearing up for black friday which is the day after thanksgiving, and how many Turkey ads do we really need to see. But I feel for the kid I was annoyed seeing the stores go from Halloween (little section of thanksgiving) to Nov 1 ALL CHRISTMAS.

by on Nov. 20, 2013 at 3:43 AM

she said it herself, she doesn't understand. unless and until she CAN? your child simply can't pay the price for HER being shortsighted. you haven't got an easy path ahead no, but you're giving him the support he needs. and for the thanksgiving/christmas thing? can he understand a calendar? cross off days one by one?

by Darby on Nov. 20, 2013 at 4:51 AM
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Hugs mama....I wouldn't tolerate someone treating my child like that either.  I don't blame you one bit.  I don't try to get other people to understand my child...not my job.  If they don't get it, that's their problem.  Hugs!

by on Nov. 20, 2013 at 6:36 AM

Wow! Some people are not worth it. Sounds like her lose to me.

by Terri on Nov. 20, 2013 at 7:16 AM
1 mom liked this

As,a Grandma to 3 SNeeds grands,two w/diffrent levels of Austism,I just don;t get it or even try pretend to understand them(people)who don;t try to understand,I am so sorry for your child as his grandmothers are wrong,He is wonderful of course you are doing the right thing
by Janine on Nov. 20, 2013 at 7:20 AM
So sorry hugs mama!
by Nicole on Nov. 20, 2013 at 9:54 AM
With the commercials, I agree that it would probably be good to focus that they are trying to get people to buy stuff on Black Friday.

I totally understand how you are feeling with the grandparents. My mom actually told me that she knows Nicolas has problems but he is NOT autistic! I told her that I don't need anyone to constantly be putting my son down or how I handle certain situations. Hugs! So sry u have to deal with this.
by Emma on Nov. 20, 2013 at 11:29 AM

I had my mom in law react poorly to my son being labeled, It took my husband slowly talking to her about issues that we dealt with and things the doctor said for her to be less hostile and more understanding about it.... I Don't know how to advise you on how to do that, because my husband knew his mom and knew how to slowly get her to come around.

She still has a hard time emotionally, and I learned that a lot of it came from HER issues, she has anxiety, can't handle stress, has a low threshold for stress and dealing with our family can be very stressful due to my son's behavior - So I learned how to balance his behaviors out in front of her and keep visits short and give my son lots of down time and not leave them alone together, etc etc.

But i nthe situation you are describing, WTF - seriously? a non parent family member who doesn't live with you and has ZERO Authority over your child would try to boss him around? I'd have a problem with that. IF they wanted him to wear a certain shirt, they should have asked you politely if you could have convinced him to do it for the pictures.... That's a "them" issue, not a you or your kiddo issue.

As an autistic adult, I know that I would have reacted negatively to someone like that telling me what to do as well, especially if I had a valid reason for not wanting to cooperate in the first place (you know, like over stimulation.)

All I can say is I'd email your mother. I would not apologize, but I would explain to her and leave the ball in her court.

Explain to her, that regardless of his condition - It's not the X family members place to boss your children around and they should have talked to you about it FIRST. That it's not their place and they won't be welcome around your childrne if they cannot respect that.

That if your mother chooses to not understand that this isYOUR family, and if people aren't willing to educate themselves on your son's particular quirks and disorder and why he is the way he is, then you don't want them around ANYWAYS.

Tell her to email you back if she wants to talk to you, but I'd just be firm on where you stand. Hold your ground... I wouldn't stop reaching out to your mom, but I definitely wouldn't go out of my way to include her in my life anymore.

by Gold Member on Nov. 20, 2013 at 12:35 PM

For your son maybe less TV can help.  Is your mom and MIL not accepting the fact that your child stims, repeats...etc?  Or is it the anger, temper tamptrums, meltdowns they do not like?  I would ask your mother more about what type of behavier she doesn't understand.  You can explain more in detail why he behaves that way then. 

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