Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

vent/question about people who don't understand

Posted by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 11:48 PM
  • 12 Replies

I have 2 son's different dads  Bradly is 5 years old and Terrin is 9 months old. My 5 year old has Moderate autims and SPD and is pretty much still non verbal. My brother and Terrin's aunt are dating and here is the problem. There have been a few times where in a fit Bradly has hurt Terrin nothing serious he made him bleed once when he scratched him. Bradly also tends to push baby who is crawling over when he gets to close and Bradly wants his space.

The problem is she bad mouths how I handle Bradly's tantrums and fits. She thinks I should be spanking Bradly more and physically addressing his behavior. Usually if Bradly is in a fit but not hurting anyone I address his emotions i say "oh your angry and thats okay you can be angry because this happened." Bradly usually calms down alot once i recognize his emotions and is getting better. She just rolls her eyes at me and says that is just silly. Recently he has gotten where if he's mad he throws his ipod or whatever at me and she thinks I should be harsher with him when he does things like that. It would be different if he threw it at her but he's not.

I know i should just ignore her becasue she has no kids and is a young immature thing but, it just pisses me off. She has no clue or education about autism or how it works I really just want to smack her with some of my autism books a few times I doubt that will help but it would make me feel better.

I just don't know how to inform her on why I do things with Bradly without it turning into a huge argument that would put my brother in an odd place.

by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 11:48 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
darbyakeep45
by Darby on Nov. 30, 2013 at 6:12 AM
2 moms liked this

I think you should handle your son how YOU see fit.  Trial and error.  We all have to be patient during times like this as we figure out how to handle our child's current phase.  I would personally ignore her or tell her to mind her own business.  I don't put much stock in what other people say.  That's just me:)

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Nov. 30, 2013 at 8:53 AM
1 mom liked this

Is hard... And I feel your pain. As you said, she is young, uneducated in ASD and SPD and I am on your side of handling difficult moments with empathy and compassion instead of punitive and adversarial punishments. I dont believe in a might is right attitude toward any children, so spanking is out of the question (imo) but honestly, if I ever read in a book that I could beat the ASD and SPD out of my child, then I would have tried that too. 

Perhaps it would do some good to come up with a response to her when she says something. A response that is thought out/preprared... Educating her and putting her in her place. 

I needed to do something like that with my Fathers wife. She is an OB/gyn so SHE thought her medical training was enough to tell me how to handle my son. We live 5 states away and see each other 2/3 times a year. I take my son to some of the best Drs in NYC, spend a fortune on getting info from them, as well as TONS of reading. My friends like to tease that I should be given an honarary doctorates ive done so much reading under these Drs recommendations... So when my dads wife chimed in with some ridiculous comment, (after a meltdown THEY provoked) i lost it... And put her in her place. I was calm, rational, explained that after 2 years of Drs visits and 100 books, she could rest assured knowing I knew how to handle my son. If this was about his vagina, Id come to HER, but since it is about his brain, I think Ill stick with the psychologists and psychiatrists. If he were a typical kid who learned in a typical way, then I wouldnt have have to do all this research, and Id probably have her opinion... But since I needed to be educated to raise him properly, that Im good. She doesnt need to worry. 

I do run into this a lot. It is a huge source of contention with me, my sons friends parents, my SILS... Everyone thinks if you treat an ASD kid typically, they will learn... And Ive found that doesnt work for us. If you put a book in front of a blind person and read to them, do you think theyd pick up reading? No! Well our kids have a nonverbals, social and emotional learning disability... And spanking doesnt teach. 

Hugs! 

princess_1983
by Bronze Member on Nov. 30, 2013 at 9:25 AM

My husband's famiy is the same way. It won't do any good to explain what's going on to her. Your brother should be defending you though girlfriend or not. Discipline your child how you want and ignore what she says. If all else fails tell her she doesn't know what she's talking about and to shut up. 

lancet98
by Member on Nov. 30, 2013 at 9:44 AM

 I know many parents feel sorry for their kid or feel guilt so they don't ever want to punish them for anything.   I think that is a bad way to go.  Some day the child will be out in the world, or supervised living, and need to listen to and obey people.  

I think it is wrong for you to assume that your child can't learn to not scratch his brother or throw your ipod at you.

I can't exactly blame your relative for complaining when you simply talk to the child (though you stated this is when he's having a fit and not hurting anyone).

The key is what is REASONABLE to expect from a child and what CAN he learn, and that varies from kid to kid.

No, punishment that parents usually use on neurotypical kids, doesn't always work with autistic kids.  

For example punishing a kid for screaming when he can't control his own behavior and is totally having a melt down, is ridiculous for many autistic kids.   For many, it just makes them more frantic.

The key is knowing WHICH behaviors the child can control, which are within his control and which are not AND knowing if he can understand WHAT he is being punished for.   That is UNIQUE to each kid.

For example, if a child doesn't even realize it's him screaming, and you punish him for making noise, he's probably only going to scream louder.   he has no idea what's going on.   You can redirect or distract him, perhaps, but punishing isn't going to be understood.

On the other hand  one boy I took  care of was almost completely nonverbal, and understood 'no', and could connect up what we were wanting him to stop doing.   Not all can do that, some can be taught 'no'.

His mom told me 'no' more meant 'stop, hold still' to him, as she would then tell him something TO do, like take this toy or come here, and he would get a reward for doing things.   He actually despite being nonverbal had certain things he just absolutely loved(rubbing his arm with a piece of fleece, for example), so it was easy to teach him things.

And another kid, his father spanked him for screaming, and he didn't understand what he was getting spanked for.   He thought he was getting spanked for going in the living room.   If you tried to get him to go into the living room, he'd start screaming.   Brilliant.   He had no idea that he was punished for screaming.

And note I said not always because some autistic kids do understand, even if they are non-verbal, what they are getting punished for, and there is behavior they can control.   it's not all out of their control, just some of it.

The key is not to sit back and complain about relatives being judgemental, but to  respect what bothers them and not automatically scream 'but he's autistic', but try to be practical, and try different things.   No, it  may not work to punish him the way SHE says to punish him, but there may still be a method that works.

It may not even really be what we think of as punishment.

For example, one of my friends taught her nonverbal autistic son, 'look at me' when he was getting upset.   She taught him to come over and look up at her when he was upset.   It worked, he would stop getting upset and think about coming over to her.   It took a while, but after a while, every time he got upset, he would come over to her without even being asked.   It was really just a habit, he didn't know and could never understand 'don't shout because mommy doesn't like it', but he could understand, when you're feeling this way, go over to mommy and you will get a reward for coming over.

You more distract or redirect most autistic kids rather than punish them, because many just do not understand punishment, of any kind.

It's also important not to interfere with other learning.   For example one of the kids I took care of, the grandma was furious that we did not spank the crap out of the child when he made verbal noises.   The speech therapist had said specifically, do not punish him for making noise with his mouth, that's what we are going to use to get him to talk some day.   The child is going to just never make any noise if you punish him for doing it and then how are we going to get him to talk. 

So we put up with a lot of shouts and eeee!   But the amazing thingy  was it gradually started to be more and more like talking.   We even noticed him going 'eee!   eee!' when we said, 'tell the doggy 'sit'' and things like that.   in situations where we would say something, HE'D try to say something!   So when he wanted us to open a door, 'eee!'   He was getting the idea.  If you punish them for making noise you create a habit not to talk, and you want them to talk some day, so it's not a good idea.  

 I have also seen therapists teach kid 'soft voice' and 'big voice', without the child actually being verbal or even much understanding speech.   Just by rewarding them when they do what you want.  

Quoting sweet_pea_1116:

I have 2 son's different dads  Bradly is 5 years old and Terrin is 9 months old. My 5 year old has Moderate autims and SPD and is pretty much still non verbal. My brother and Terrin's aunt are dating and here is the problem. There have been a few times where in a fit Bradly has hurt Terrin nothing serious he made him bleed once when he scratched him. Bradly also tends to push baby who is crawling over when he gets to close and Bradly wants his space.

The problem is she bad mouths how I handle Bradly's tantrums and fits. She thinks I should be spanking Bradly more and physically addressing his behavior. Usually if Bradly is in a fit but not hurting anyone I address his emotions i say "oh your angry and thats okay you can be angry because this happened." Bradly usually calms down alot once i recognize his emotions and is getting better. She just rolls her eyes at me and says that is just silly. Recently he has gotten where if he's mad he throws his ipod or whatever at me and she thinks I should be harsher with him when he does things like that. It would be different if he threw it at her but he's not.

I know i should just ignore her becasue she has no kids and is a young immature thing but, it just pisses me off. She has no clue or education about autism or how it works I really just want to smack her with some of my autism books a few times I doubt that will help but it would make me feel better.

I just don't know how to inform her on why I do things with Bradly without it turning into a huge argument that would put my brother in an odd place.

 

 

happygirl36
by Member on Nov. 30, 2013 at 9:48 AM

Just ignore what she says and ask her outright if she has ever read anything about Autism.  Suggest she borrow one of your books so she can better understand.  Especially if she's around your son a lot.  Or you could always just tell her to keep her opinion to herself because she doesn't know what she's talking about.

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Nov. 30, 2013 at 12:16 PM
1 mom liked this
But i think a lot gets lost in what causes "difficult" behavior.. Which is why Ive chosen not to punish.
My son could been seen as defiant for refusing to sit at the DR table during a party. Loud people, many people, smelly food- all were an assault on his sensory issues... Many parents would have seen his freak out as ODD.. Where over time Ive learned to not "react" punitively on heated situations- to access what the difficulty is.
I truly believe we ALL want to do our best- and when there is a "difficulty" doing sometjing thats being asked, we as the parents need to not react but keep our cool- figure out the problem and help.
I dont think threats of punishments de escalate a difficult time but add to it. The removal of a punishment allows the child to come forth with issues and concerns without fear; in an effort to work collaboratively, to build together.. Not to tear down.

I guess my concern with punishment runs into how do you TRULY tease out what someone "can" do...


Quoting lancet98:

 I know many parents feel sorry for their kid or feel guilt so they don't ever want to punish them for anything.   I think that is a bad way to go.  Some day the child will be out in the world, or supervised living, and need to listen to and obey people.  


I think it is wrong for you to assume that your child can't learn to not scratch his brother or throw your ipod at you.


I can't exactly blame your relative for complaining when you simply talk to the child (though you stated this is when he's having a fit and not hurting anyone).


The key is what is REASONABLE to expect from a child and what CAN he learn, and that varies from kid to kid.


No, punishment that parents usually use on neurotypical kids, doesn't always work with autistic kids.  


For example punishing a kid for screaming when he can't control his own behavior and is totally having a melt down, is ridiculous for many autistic kids.   For many, it just makes them more frantic.


The key is knowing WHICH behaviors the child can control, which are within his control and which are not AND knowing if he can understand WHAT he is being punished for.   That is UNIQUE to each kid.


For example, if a child doesn't even realize it's him screaming, and you punish him for making noise, he's probably only going to scream louder.   he has no idea what's going on.   You can redirect or distract him, perhaps, but punishing isn't going to be understood.


On the other hand  one boy I took  care of was almost completely nonverbal, and understood 'no', and could connect up what we were wanting him to stop doing.   Not all can do that, some can be taught 'no'.


His mom told me 'no' more meant 'stop, hold still' to him, as she would then tell him something TO do, like take this toy or come here, and he would get a reward for doing things.   He actually despite being nonverbal had certain things he just absolutely loved(rubbing his arm with a piece of fleece, for example), so it was easy to teach him things.


And another kid, his father spanked him for screaming, and he didn't understand what he was getting spanked for.   He thought he was getting spanked for going in the living room.   If you tried to get him to go into the living room, he'd start screaming.   Brilliant.   He had no idea that he was punished for screaming.


And note I said not always because some autistic kids do understand, even if they are non-verbal, what they are getting punished for, and there is behavior they can control.   it's not all out of their control, just some of it.


The key is not to sit back and complain about relatives being judgemental, but to  respect what bothers them and not automatically scream 'but he's autistic', but try to be practical, and try different things.   No, it  may not work to punish him the way SHE says to punish him, but there may still be a method that works.


It may not even really be what we think of as punishment.


For example, one of my friends taught her nonverbal autistic son, 'look at me' when he was getting upset.   She taught him to come over and look up at her when he was upset.   It worked, he would stop getting upset and think about coming over to her.   It took a while, but after a while, every time he got upset, he would come over to her without even being asked.   It was really just a habit, he didn't know and could never understand 'don't shout because mommy doesn't like it', but he could understand, when you're feeling this way, go over to mommy and you will get a reward for coming over.


You more distract or redirect most autistic kids rather than punish them, because many just do not understand punishment, of any kind.


It's also important not to interfere with other learning.   For example one of the kids I took care of, the grandma was furious that we did not spank the crap out of the child when he made verbal noises.   The speech therapist had said specifically, do not punish him for making noise with his mouth, that's what we are going to use to get him to talk some day.   The child is going to just never make any noise if you punish him for doing it and then how are we going to get him to talk. 


So we put up with a lot of shouts and eeee!   But the amazing thingy  was it gradually started to be more and more like talking.   We even noticed him going 'eee!   eee!' when we said, 'tell the doggy 'sit'' and things like that.   in situations where we would say something, HE'D try to say something!   So when he wanted us to open a door, 'eee!'   He was getting the idea.  If you punish them for making noise you create a habit not to talk, and you want them to talk some day, so it's not a good idea.  


 I have also seen therapists teach kid 'soft voice' and 'big voice', without the child actually being verbal or even much understanding speech.   Just by rewarding them when they do what you want.  


Quoting sweet_pea_1116:


I have 2 son's different dads  Bradly is 5 years old and Terrin is 9 months old. My 5 year old has Moderate autims and SPD and is pretty much still non verbal. My brother and Terrin's aunt are dating and here is the problem. There have been a few times where in a fit Bradly has hurt Terrin nothing serious he made him bleed once when he scratched him. Bradly also tends to push baby who is crawling over when he gets to close and Bradly wants his space.


The problem is she bad mouths how I handle Bradly's tantrums and fits. She thinks I should be spanking Bradly more and physically addressing his behavior. Usually if Bradly is in a fit but not hurting anyone I address his emotions i say "oh your angry and thats okay you can be angry because this happened." Bradly usually calms down alot once i recognize his emotions and is getting better. She just rolls her eyes at me and says that is just silly. Recently he has gotten where if he's mad he throws his ipod or whatever at me and she thinks I should be harsher with him when he does things like that. It would be different if he threw it at her but he's not.


I know i should just ignore her becasue she has no kids and is a young immature thing but, it just pisses me off. She has no clue or education about autism or how it works I really just want to smack her with some of my autism books a few times I doubt that will help but it would make me feel better.


I just don't know how to inform her on why I do things with Bradly without it turning into a huge argument that would put my brother in an odd place.


 


 


sweet_pea_1116
by on Nov. 30, 2013 at 12:47 PM
The only thing is whenever he is bad or acts up she wants me to physically punish him and when I don't she complains that we are not handling his behavior.


Quoting lancet98:

 I know many parents feel sorry for their kid or feel guilt so they don't ever want to punish them for anything.   I think that is a bad way to go.  Some day the child will be out in the world, or supervised living, and need to listen to and obey people.  


I think it is wrong for you to assume that your child can't learn to not scratch his brother or throw your ipod at you.


I can't exactly blame your relative for complaining when you simply talk to the child (though you stated this is when he's having a fit and not hurting anyone).


The key is what is REASONABLE to expect from a child and what CAN he learn, and that varies from kid to kid.


No, punishment that parents usually use on neurotypical kids, doesn't always work with autistic kids.  


For example punishing a kid for screaming when he can't control his own behavior and is totally having a melt down, is ridiculous for many autistic kids.   For many, it just makes them more frantic.


The key is knowing WHICH behaviors the child can control, which are within his control and which are not AND knowing if he can understand WHAT he is being punished for.   That is UNIQUE to each kid.


For example, if a child doesn't even realize it's him screaming, and you punish him for making noise, he's probably only going to scream louder.   he has no idea what's going on.   You can redirect or distract him, perhaps, but punishing isn't going to be understood.


On the other hand  one boy I took  care of was almost completely nonverbal, and understood 'no', and could connect up what we were wanting him to stop doing.   Not all can do that, some can be taught 'no'.


His mom told me 'no' more meant 'stop, hold still' to him, as she would then tell him something TO do, like take this toy or come here, and he would get a reward for doing things.   He actually despite being nonverbal had certain things he just absolutely loved(rubbing his arm with a piece of fleece, for example), so it was easy to teach him things.


And another kid, his father spanked him for screaming, and he didn't understand what he was getting spanked for.   He thought he was getting spanked for going in the living room.   If you tried to get him to go into the living room, he'd start screaming.   Brilliant.   He had no idea that he was punished for screaming.


And note I said not always because some autistic kids do understand, even if they are non-verbal, what they are getting punished for, and there is behavior they can control.   it's not all out of their control, just some of it.


The key is not to sit back and complain about relatives being judgemental, but to  respect what bothers them and not automatically scream 'but he's autistic', but try to be practical, and try different things.   No, it  may not work to punish him the way SHE says to punish him, but there may still be a method that works.


It may not even really be what we think of as punishment.


For example, one of my friends taught her nonverbal autistic son, 'look at me' when he was getting upset.   She taught him to come over and look up at her when he was upset.   It worked, he would stop getting upset and think about coming over to her.   It took a while, but after a while, every time he got upset, he would come over to her without even being asked.   It was really just a habit, he didn't know and could never understand 'don't shout because mommy doesn't like it', but he could understand, when you're feeling this way, go over to mommy and you will get a reward for coming over.


You more distract or redirect most autistic kids rather than punish them, because many just do not understand punishment, of any kind.


It's also important not to interfere with other learning.   For example one of the kids I took care of, the grandma was furious that we did not spank the crap out of the child when he made verbal noises.   The speech therapist had said specifically, do not punish him for making noise with his mouth, that's what we are going to use to get him to talk some day.   The child is going to just never make any noise if you punish him for doing it and then how are we going to get him to talk. 


So we put up with a lot of shouts and eeee!   But the amazing thingy  was it gradually started to be more and more like talking.   We even noticed him going 'eee!   eee!' when we said, 'tell the doggy 'sit'' and things like that.   in situations where we would say something, HE'D try to say something!   So when he wanted us to open a door, 'eee!'   He was getting the idea.  If you punish them for making noise you create a habit not to talk, and you want them to talk some day, so it's not a good idea.  


 I have also seen therapists teach kid 'soft voice' and 'big voice', without the child actually being verbal or even much understanding speech.   Just by rewarding them when they do what you want.  


Quoting sweet_pea_1116:


I have 2 son's different dads  Bradly is 5 years old and Terrin is 9 months old. My 5 year old has Moderate autims and SPD and is pretty much still non verbal. My brother and Terrin's aunt are dating and here is the problem. There have been a few times where in a fit Bradly has hurt Terrin nothing serious he made him bleed once when he scratched him. Bradly also tends to push baby who is crawling over when he gets to close and Bradly wants his space.


The problem is she bad mouths how I handle Bradly's tantrums and fits. She thinks I should be spanking Bradly more and physically addressing his behavior. Usually if Bradly is in a fit but not hurting anyone I address his emotions i say "oh your angry and thats okay you can be angry because this happened." Bradly usually calms down alot once i recognize his emotions and is getting better. She just rolls her eyes at me and says that is just silly. Recently he has gotten where if he's mad he throws his ipod or whatever at me and she thinks I should be harsher with him when he does things like that. It would be different if he threw it at her but he's not.


I know i should just ignore her becasue she has no kids and is a young immature thing but, it just pisses me off. She has no clue or education about autism or how it works I really just want to smack her with some of my autism books a few times I doubt that will help but it would make me feel better.


I just don't know how to inform her on why I do things with Bradly without it turning into a huge argument that would put my brother in an odd place.


 


 


Linda733
by on Nov. 30, 2013 at 2:26 PM

You are handling it the right way. My son was recently diagnosed and everything you are doing is the same things I was told to do by professionals. I've had an incident where someone said I should smack my son. That made me livid but i just have to realize not everybody is going to get it. Keep doing what works for you and your son cause that's what's most important. I do understand exactly how you feel...hugs 

Roo1234
by on Nov. 30, 2013 at 2:33 PM
politely tell her to stay out of it. and then stop worrying about it. remind get that she should be worried about the impression she is making advocating violence against a child rather than worrying about how your brother thinks about you.


there are many, many parents who never use physical punishments and their children are wonderful because they learn to make good decisions based on thinking rather than fear.
lancet98
by Member on Nov. 30, 2013 at 3:18 PM

 

That sounds like the wrong approach.   She wants him to be punished every time he does anything she doesn't like.

On the other hand, other parents I've talked to, are being ridiculous and just spoiling her kid when he really does need to learn to function in some social situations and is capable of learning to do that.

"But that's the problem, deciding what he 'can' do''.

You have to be reasonable, practical, and sensible.   MANY parents expect way too little of their autistic kid and way too much of everyone put in the position of putting up with him.

Either your kid can function in a given situation and what he's doing isn't bothering anyone....

....OR he's really bothering people, and you need to REMOVE him from the situation - and it is NOT UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHEN HE'S BOTHERING PEOPLE - THAT'S UP TO THEM.

I've seen enough over the years to know that many parents who have kids with a disability spoil them out of guilt and the kid COULD do a lot more than they ask him to do.  This is far more acute a problem with kids who are LESS disabled.   When the kid is more disabled, it's far clearer, even to clueless onlookers, what the kid can and can't do or understand, and there tends to be less 'underexpectation' on the part of the mom.

On the other hand....I used to have moms often tell me all the time, 'Oh my little snowflake can't do that' and find that oh yes, he could.   Some moms, out of guilt and sorrow, indulge their kids, yes even their autistic kid, too much.  

When the kid goes to a day program and does the stuff the parent says he isn't capable of, when he can stop his tantrum when he's with the sitter, then yeah, I do ask myself, is it really true that he can't do that?

So there are in fact many sides to this and the mom isn't always right about what the kid can't do or can't learn.

You can't expect everyone to put up with a kid that is really being disruptive or attacking other kids or throwing stuff around!

I think either extreme is unlikely to work.   Either never attempting to change the child's behavior at all(standing by while he beats the crap out of other kid, say), OR being overly punitive when the kid has no idea what he's being punished for.

Basically, the OO (obnoxious onlooker) wants your kid to shut up and 'act normal' (whatever that is), and if you don't hit your kid and make him shut up that way, they're annoyed at you and complain about your parenting skills.   They want you to smack your kid around and they're irritated if you don't. 

The obnoxious onlooker type needs someone to go upside THEIR head, but unfortunately...that's assault.

But that doesn't mean you can't EVER shape your kid's behavior.   I gave examples of very severely autistic kids, nonverbal kids, whose parents learned to shape their behavior.

And no, not always with punishment.   Redirection, reward, and...the other thing starting with R.   I'm suffering from a pumpkin pie overdose right now and can't remember all 3.

Shaping behavior is also a possibility.   You teach the child to do a little bit like what you want, and just gradually develop it into a habit.

When a kid is having a total extreme hysterical meltdown, all you can do much of the time is just get them out of the situation that is giving them a meltdown.   The nonverbal kid who is screaming in the grrocery store may not shut up when he gets smacked in the face, in fact he'll probably melt down more, because he has no idea why you hit him.   Some of these meltdowns are almost like seizures, you really aren't going to smack a kid out of that sort of thing.

On the other hand........that doesn't mean your kid has the right to attack another kid because there were smells around that he didn't like or a lot of people were talking.   If he has a meltdown in situations like that DON'T PUT HIM IN SITUATIONS LIKE THAT.   If it's a new thing, you have to know your kid well enough to  see that coming and get him out of there before that happens.   having an autistic kid doesn't give you a right to expect others to like to be attacked, hit, bitten, screamed at.

You have to be reasonable.

My friend's son would go over to the neighbors and grab the kids by the hair and push them down onto the sidewalk really hard, and hold them there, she just sat there like a bump on a log saying, 'the doctor told me NEVER to punish him'.   And she'd bitch about how unfair everyone was expecting her to punish her kid.

Well fine, but go over there and take him away from the kids he's grabbing hair on and holding down on the sidewalk.   He's hurting them, they're not really put on this earth to put up with that.

IN OTHER WORDS - sure, do what your kid responds to, but don't act like the whole rest of the world is obligated to put up with being scratched and bitten  or screamed at.  

There is a limit as to what you expect others to tolerate.

I ran into trouble with this with  elderly lady who was losing her hearing, what she COULD hear really hurt her ears and when her grandson got to shrieking happily, it hurt her ears.   That's what happens to a lot of older people - what they still can hear, really hurts.   So we took her grandson out of the room when he got loud.   He didn't care, he was happy as long as he had his toys and me to entertain him.   When he was quieter, we'd bring him back into the room with her.

Sure, stick up for your kid but be considerate of others, too.

In my experience, a certain amount of these complaints are in fact, justified.   Parents ARE asking people to put up with too much in some of these cases.   So sure, educate the world about autism, but also learn not to act entitled and expect people to put up with too much. 

And if someone is really being a jerk, STOP HANGING AROUND THEM SO MUCH!   The way to stop a lot of complaints is to pick people that are tolerant and then don't push them too far.

 

Quoting sweet_pea_1116:

The only thing is whenever he is bad or acts up she wants me to physically punish him and when I don't she complains that we are not handling his behavior.


Quoting lancet98:

 I know many parents feel sorry for their kid or feel guilt so they don't ever want to punish them for anything.   I think that is a bad way to go.  Some day the child will be out in the world, or supervised living, and need to listen to and obey people.  


I think it is wrong for you to assume that your child can't learn to not scratch his brother or throw your ipod at you.


I can't exactly blame your relative for complaining when you simply talk to the child (though you stated this is when he's having a fit and not hurting anyone).


The key is what is REASONABLE to expect from a child and what CAN he learn, and that varies from kid to kid....

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)