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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Ss continues to have issues at bm

Posted by on Dec. 7, 2013 at 11:44 AM
  • 9 Replies
Ss just turn 12. He's high functioning. DH has joint legal/physical and custodial. Last night ss text DH and states his sf is mean. At 10pm, ss calls and says they are in the parking lot. Ss wouldn't get out of the car. Ss has had problems with sf for some time. Bm was telling DH she wants to sent ss to a psychiatric hospital because he's always aggressive in bm home. Ss shoved sf and sf was going to do the same but I intervened. Ss wanted to call the police and walked away. Bm went after telling him no and they both pushed and hit each other.

Background-DH is custodial for past 2 yrs. Ss started having issues with me after bm lost the court case regarding child tax credit and had to repay back IRS. Bm requested ss live with her full time and DH agreed to see if ss behavior would improve in march 2013. Bm had said things to ss about dh as ss started hating dh. told dh he was no longer his father and sf was his new dad.Co states parents can change times if both parents agree. Ss only started living back with us for 3 months only on weekends. Bm begged DH to start helping her with ss as he continues to be aggressive in her home. Bm takes ss to a family/ marriage therapist monthly since march 2013.

Issue: DH has told ss that if he has issues with sf, then go back to the co schedule. Ss would be with DH wed- sat, every other weekend. Ss didn't want to cause we make him do his homework. Bm let's ss do whatever he wants. Ss continues to want live in an abusive home but then complains about it to DH. What would you do? Should DH force ss to go back regular schedule? The past six months was very hurtful to DH as ss was verbally telling his dad he hates him, your not my dad, etc. Or continue to let ss stay there because he wants too live in that environment?
by on Dec. 7, 2013 at 11:44 AM
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Replies (1-9):
dawncs
by Dawn on Dec. 7, 2013 at 11:50 AM

This perspective comes from being a child of divorce and having step mothers for over thirty years. He could be playing both sides which can be very common when it comes to step children, and some will use this to their advantage to get what they want growing up. In some cases, one parent can influence the child to want to spend more time with the other parent out of wanting more child support at times. He may hate homework, but it has to do wth feeling not in control or being able to which could be fed at his mom's house. They might be hoping when he reaches 18 to be able to receive adult SSI benefits for the disabled. However, it is getting harder. I have a friend who's son qualified as a child, but they found him too mild when he turned 18 with the advice to apply when you qualify for SSDI.

Dawn
Innovative Cookbook Writer and Internet Resource Research Writer
Check out my books at: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/dawnlucan

mypbandj
by Jen on Dec. 7, 2013 at 2:18 PM
1 mom liked this
I think that the adults need to be adults and start to 1) work together as a team and 2) make the decisions for him.

When the bm is saying things to make him hate his dad, that isn't ok. And when she lets him do whatever, that is only making things harder, especially for her. But I'm sure she's trying her best. It just sounds like she lacking parenting skills and could use a class or something.

Can you all attend a few therapy sessions together to set up a co parenting plan? Let the adults make the decisions. Sure, take his feelings into consideration but the adults need to set the boundaries and make the choices that are best for him. He is a child and I don't think its appropriate to let him make those choices.
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Basherte
by Silver Member on Dec. 7, 2013 at 3:05 PM

Personally, I would take him out of that situation. Force going back to the original agreement, and then file charges about the abuse that happens in that house. 

Just because he wants to live in the abusive situation doesn't mean that it's healthy for him to do so.


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darbyakeep45
by Darby on Dec. 8, 2013 at 4:22 PM

I agree with Jen completely...hugs mama!

PinkButterfly66
by on Dec. 8, 2013 at 4:43 PM

My nonautistic teen tells us she hates us all the time when she gets mad.  It is typical teen behavior.  You just need to tune it out or send his butt to his room until he decides to calm down, but you don't take it personally. 

othermomforD
by Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:37 AM
Update: last Friday night, bm dropped off ss at our home unexpectely. Ss text DH that sf was mean around 9:30pm. Then text that sf was going drop him off at our home. At 10pm, ss called and said he was downstairs in our parking lot and refused to get out of the car. Sf tried to call but DH didn't answer since we were going downstairs to see what happening.
DH got ss out of car. Bm was talking to DH about sending to a psychiatric hospital and get him medicated. Ss seen sf coming by bm and shoved sf. Before sf could shove ss back, I intervened. Ss goes towards the front of car and said he's going to call the police. Bm told him not to do it and she went towards ss. Bm tried to grab the phone and ss reacted by hitting bm. Bm then started hitting ss back. DH told them to stop as af went to restrain bm.
Bm was told by two different psychiatrist to take parenting classes but she doesn't think she needs them. Sf doesn't 't gave bio kids and doesn't know how to parent either. Bm told DH that she's afraid that ss will go into her room and kill her. Ss did pull a knife on sf in 7/2011. I believe ss still has a lot of anger with bm as she remarried one week after the divorce was final. Ss wasn't invited to her wedding.
All issues with aggressiveness at school usually happens after ss was with bm. Bm won't co parent. Everything has to be her way or she gets mad. DH became custodial due to see was being investigated for physical abuse for hitting ss with a belt and leaving a bruise. CPs dropped the case cause ss said he wasn't afraid of his mom. This was in 2/2011. Told DH she will give up custody after this but changed her mind after.
Sf told her not too and I believe it had to do with her paying cs if DH gets custody. Bm caused all of this and continues to blame it on ss. She wasn't responsible for her older child by a different man . She left her older son with her mom to raise when she got together with DH. Her pattern is choosing the man over her kids.
Mi_Chelly
by Bronze Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:52 AM
Because of the abuse going on, I would highly recommend that your DH go back to court and move her to supervised visits until she passes at least one parenting class. If you do not need the child support, possibly use that as leverage, get custody back, and tell her and sf that they won't need to pay CS if they attend parenting classes. Honestly, I would force, via the court and CO that both take a parenting class and then a parenting special needs class. If they refuse, then they are stuck with supervised visits. Also set up the supervisor to be totally neutral party, neither anyone from your's or DH's side or anyone from BM's or sf's side. The more neutral the party, the better, as there will be no jaded views..

Unfortunately, due to SS's age, they might charge him minor battery/assault charges, if he made the first move, if he called the cops, so I would stress teaching him not to cry calling cops if he shoved first and they retaliate.
othermomforD
by Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 9:27 PM
Ss was informed by school principal last year when he poked a staff member with a pencil. DH continues to reiterate what can happen to him if he causes trouble. Ss thinks he know it all and won't listen. Maybe he just needs a rude awakening. He got this way cause bm let's him do whatever he wants.
dawncs
by Dawn on Dec. 9, 2013 at 9:53 PM

From what you learnt, some it is learned behavior from how BM was in the past with him. Even high functioning ones, can mimic behaviors. With some of the things you mentioned with parenting in your second post, it can create problems with how he is in life. Some need a little more structure than others on the spectrum, and some will do well with less.

Dawn
Innovative Cookbook Writer and Internet Resource Research Writer
Check out my books at: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/dawnlucan

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