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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Have you ever felt resentment?

Posted by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 3:56 PM
Amy
  • 35 Replies

Have you ever felt resentment toward the person (your spouse, child, sibling, etc) in your life who has an autism spectrum diagnosis?

by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 3:56 PM
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Replies (1-10):
SamMom912
by Gold Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 4:11 PM
4 moms liked this

Sure... Im human.
I dislike how hard my life has become since Sam. I dont get to "go" to parties, or stores. I had "kids" to take them to movies (too loud) circus (too smelly) vacations ( no structure) i wanted to share throwing a ball, playing golf, soccer teams, skiing.. ( he cant walk down the hall without tripping..lol)
I dislike how i cant "parent" typically and resent every weekend and night and day revolves around his MANY needs.. And only briefly if ever my needs or hubbys... Or ours.

But i love him.

Wow after reading the responses below, I feel incredibly guilty... so I feel like I have to defend myself MORE...
Im wondering if it is because it is ALWAYS me with Sam. I have NO family around here...and no one to even call and talk to when Im overwhelmed and stressed.... and for the last 7 years everything is about him.. AS it SHOULD be.. but, I cant help but wish I could "run into the supermarket" with him for a handful of things without him begging me NOT to.. or refusing telling me "I cant!"... I wish I could go away (like so many of my other friends this week) to a hotel with a BIG pool and water slide and take him on sleigh rides and sledding like other kids... I wish I could call SOMEONE, ANYONE when its been a really rough day and say "hey could you come hang with Sam for an hour cause I just REALLY need a break..." but that doesnt happen.. cause it is ALL me 24/7 356.. unless I hire a babysitter at $15.00 an hour... and THEN sometimes Sam is a BEAR for the hours following since he is STRESSEd about being with a sitter... so I pay.. DOUBLE.. LOL.. for the time off.
I love him.. I DO... and I DONT want him to go anywhere.. I DONT want to NOT be Sams mom... I JUST wish it were easier.. I wish I didnt feel this strong and painful bitterness at this job sometimes... but maybe that is because the time off MY job is SO limited... we all freak out and get resentful with little to NO time off... and that is how its been for me recently...

AspieAuntie
by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 4:11 PM

Huh, I'm not sure how to answer that. I don't think I've ever actually resented Bugga, so much as my brother for "creating" Bugga and then dumping him like he's just trash or something. I love Bugga like he's my own son but sometimes I feel like I wasn't really ready to have a child of my own. I'm 28 and have no SO. There's kind of an ache in my chest everytime someone refers to me as Bugga's mom and he corrects them. But I think I'd be awfully lonely without him. He's become such a big part of my life. He's my best friend, my little buddy, the son of my heart, and I couldn't love him more if I tried. Do I resent him? No, I don't think so. At times he exhausts me, but I don't think resentment ever comes into play.

Momof4AEMW
by Gold Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 6:28 PM
2 moms liked this

No, never. 

Even before I knew 'what' it was, I knew he could not help it, and it was not his fault.  Just is, and I'm ok with that. 

ttparks
by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 6:45 PM
I haven't resented my son. If anything, I feel guilty and frustrated because I feel like I did something to cause the issues and frustrations he experiences. He's such a sweet child and really has a heart of gold. If he could, I know he would want to eat whatever we presented him with, but he cannot get past the texture, smell, visual appearance, taste...knowing his personality. I feel so bad because I want his life to be without the extra frustrations. I don't resent him. I get frustrated with him sometimes, but I am human and remind myself it isn't his fault.
ineedcoffeemom
by Brittaney on Jan. 1, 2014 at 7:49 PM
1 mom liked this

You don't have to defend yourself. I understand how you're feeling. It is hard when you get ZERO time off from your child, you start building negative feelings towards your life and it SUCKS!!!!  Even though I was healing from bronchitis, just having a couple of days without my daughter here made me appreciate her all over again. I needed that time away from her so I wouldn't harbor resentment toward her. 

I'm sorry you don't have someone reliable to watch Sam. It's the same way here when someone watches Cheyanne ...... even if she seems to do perfectly fine while she's with someone else, she ends up being a triple handful for days afterwards so I get a small break to end up having to take on a huge ordeal and it just doesn't feel worth it. I will tell you though with going so long this last time without someone giving me a break ..... the small break is still worth it. I was feeling so horrible lately and I hated feeling that way and man ...... this break has completely changed that. Ofcourse I was also lucky that my daughter even appreciated the time away this time and hasn't been any worse than usual.

My mil said she's willing to keep Cheyanne overnight once a month .... but I'm not taking her up on that offer. Because my daughter doesn't like staying there. She refuses to eat, she barely sleeps and she comes home clingy and panicky. And my mom can't keep her that often because she lives too far away.

Quoting SamMom912:

Sure... Im human.
I dislike how hard my life has become since Sam. I dont get to "go" to parties, or stores. I had "kids" to take them to movies (too loud) circus (too smelly) vacations ( no structure) i wanted to share throwing a ball, playing golf, soccer teams, skiing.. ( he cant walk down the hall without tripping..lol)
I dislike how i cant "parent" typically and resent every weekend and night and day revolves around his MANY needs.. And only briefly if ever my needs or hubbys... Or ours.

But i love him.

Wow after reading the responses below, I feel incredibly guilty... so I feel like I have to defend myself MORE...
Im wondering if it is because it is ALWAYS me with Sam. I have NO family around here...and no one to even call and talk to when Im overwhelmed and stressed.... and for the last 7 years everything is about him.. AS it SHOULD be.. but, I cant help but wish I could "run into the supermarket" with him for a handful of things without him begging me NOT to.. or refusing telling me "I cant!"... I wish I could go away (like so many of my other friends this week) to a hotel with a BIG pool and water slide and take him on sleigh rides and sledding like other kids... I wish I could call SOMEONE, ANYONE when its been a really rough day and say "hey could you come hang with Sam for an hour cause I just REALLY need a break..." but that doesnt happen.. cause it is ALL me 24/7 356.. unless I hire a babysitter at $15.00 an hour... and THEN sometimes Sam is a BEAR for the hours following since he is STRESSEd about being with a sitter... so I pay.. DOUBLE.. LOL.. for the time off.
I love him.. I DO... and I DONT want him to go anywhere.. I DONT want to NOT be Sams mom... I JUST wish it were easier.. I wish I didnt feel this strong and painful bitterness at this job sometimes... but maybe that is because the time off MY job is SO limited... we all freak out and get resentful with little to NO time off... and that is how its been for me recently...


Momof4AEMW
by Gold Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 8:40 PM
3 moms liked this

I don't think you have anything to apologize for.  We each have our own opinions and limits, histories and expectations.  And your feelings are your feelings, nothing wrong with them.  My son is very much like yours in his leaving the house and going on outside experiences.  He over stimulates, everything is too much, too loud, too many people, too smelly, too hot, weird food, anxiety, etc.  He does not have the intelligence your son does, but many sensory issues that control our lives in every aspect.  Functionality to me is not how a dx is written, but how the child can function in life.  And my son is not high functioning as he can not blend into and live in the world as it is comfortably and with success.  I, like you, rarely to never leave him with someone, and it is me with the kids 24/7 every day of the year for the last 5 years.  Raising them is hard work, no one else can do it, and it is tiring and stressful!!!

But I think where it may be harder for you is you had all these great expectations for your son you wanted to do; taking him to the circus, vacations, movies, all those fun things!!  And you feel a loss from not getting to do that, what new parent wouldn't?  I on the other hand, got to do all those things with my oldest child, so I did not miss out.  And with my little guy with ASD, I never set any expectations (or for his 2 sisters for that matter) as when they were born I didn't think they would even make it home from the hospital, so the only goal was just for no one to die that day.  I never made plans beyond that, and therefore we never missed out on anything.  The diagnosis have rolled in as the years have gone by, but every day is still a blessing that they are all still here.  When things didn't happen for them, it was ok as I hadn't planned on them anyway, so it was easier not to be disappointed or frustrated.  And now at 5 we just create our own path on what each can handle and is capable of.  It looks nothing like life would with 4 typical children, but that's ok for us.  I do think if any one of the major issues my children have were the only child I had, that impact would be much greater to me.  While I can't live out every experience with each of my children, I can probably live it out with one of them, and I think that perspective makes a difference.  Never apologize for your feelings, they are your feelings and that is totally ok.  Being a SN mom is stressful and overwhelming enough, don't add guilt to yourself too!  You have nothing to feel guilty for.

Quoting SamMom912:

Sure... Im human.
I dislike how hard my life has become since Sam. I dont get to "go" to parties, or stores. I had "kids" to take them to movies (too loud) circus (too smelly) vacations ( no structure) i wanted to share throwing a ball, playing golf, soccer teams, skiing.. ( he cant walk down the hall without tripping..lol)
I dislike how i cant "parent" typically and resent every weekend and night and day revolves around his MANY needs.. And only briefly if ever my needs or hubbys... Or ours.

But i love him.

Wow after reading the responses below, I feel incredibly guilty... so I feel like I have to defend myself MORE...
Im wondering if it is because it is ALWAYS me with Sam. I have NO family around here...and no one to even call and talk to when Im overwhelmed and stressed.... and for the last 7 years everything is about him.. AS it SHOULD be.. but, I cant help but wishI could "run into the supermarket" with him for a handful of things without him begging me NOT to.. or refusing telling me "I cant!"... I wish I could go away (like so many of my other friends this week) to a hotel with a BIG pool and water slide and take him on sleigh rides and sledding like other kids... I wish I could call SOMEONE, ANYONE when its been a really rough day and say "hey could you come hang with Sam for an hour cause I just REALLY need a break..." but that doesnt happen.. cause it is ALL me 24/7 356.. unless I hire a babysitter at $15.00 an hour... and THEN sometimes Sam is a BEAR for the hours following since he is STRESSEd about being with a sitter... so I pay.. DOUBLE.. LOL.. for the time off.
I love him.. I DO... and I DONT want him to go anywhere.. I DONT want to NOT be Sams mom... I JUST wish it were easier.. I wish I didnt feel this strong and painful bitterness at this job sometimes... but maybe that is because the time off MY job is SO limited... we all freak out and get resentful with little to NO time off... and that is how its been for me recently...

 

Jenn8604
by Jennifer on Jan. 1, 2014 at 8:48 PM
1 mom liked this
Sometimes. I think I resent those with easier to handle kids more tho. I'm human.
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SamMom912
by Gold Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 9:01 PM

 yeah, I had 4 years to set some HIGH expectations of having a child... LOL.. and he is my only.. always will be.. and while yes, I DO love him, I am still grieving the child I'll never have... I guess for those four years of fertility treatments and those wishes, I still struggle 7 years later with what I dont have... :( thanks for the kid words...

Quoting Momof4AEMW:

I don't think you have anything to apologize for.  We each have our own opinions and limits, histories and expectations.  And your feelings are your feelings, nothing wrong with them.  My son is very much like yours in his leaving the house and going on outside experiences.  He over stimulates, everything is too much, too loud, too many people, too smelly, too hot, weird food, anxiety, etc.  He does not have the intelligence your son does, but many sensory issues that control our lives in every aspect.  Functionality to me is not how a dx is written, but how the child can function in life.  And my son is not high functioning as he can not blend into and live in the world as it is comfortably and with success.  I, like you, rarely to never leave him with someone, and it is me with the kids 24/7 every day of the year for the last 5 years.  Raising them is hard work, no one else can do it, and it is tiring and stressful!!!

But I think where it may be harder for you is you had all these great expectations for your son you wanted to do; taking him to the circus, vacations, movies, all those fun things!!  And you feel a loss from not getting to do that, what new parent wouldn't?  I on the other hand, got to do all those things with my oldest child, so I did not miss out.  And with my little guy with ASD, I never set any expectations (or for his 2 sisters for that matter) as when they were born I didn't think they would even make it home from the hospital, so the only goal was just for no one to die that day.  I never made plans beyond that, and therefore we never missed out on anything.  The diagnosis have rolled in as the years have gone by, but every day is still a blessing that they are all still here.  When things didn't happen for them, it was ok as I hadn't planned on them anyway, so it was easier not to be disappointed or frustrated.  And now at 5 we just create our own path on what each can handle and is capable of.  It looks nothing like life would with 4 typical children, but that's ok for us.  I do think if any one of the major issues my children have were the only child I had, that impact would be much greater to me.  While I can't live out every experience with each of my children, I can probably live it out with one of them, and I think that perspective makes a difference.  Never apologize for your feelings, they are your feelings and that is totally ok.  Being a SN mom is stressful and overwhelming enough, don't add guilt to yourself too!  You have nothing to feel guilty for.

Quoting SamMom912:

Sure... Im human.
I dislike how hard my life has become since Sam. I dont get to "go" to parties, or stores. I had "kids" to take them to movies (too loud) circus (too smelly) vacations ( no structure) i wanted to share throwing a ball, playing golf, soccer teams, skiing.. ( he cant walk down the hall without tripping..lol)
I dislike how i cant "parent" typically and resent every weekend and night and day revolves around his MANY needs.. And only briefly if ever my needs or hubbys... Or ours.

But i love him.

Wow after reading the responses below, I feel incredibly guilty... so I feel like I have to defend myself MORE...
Im wondering if it is because it is ALWAYS me with Sam. I have NO family around here...and no one to even call and talk to when Im overwhelmed and stressed.... and for the last 7 years everything is about him.. AS it SHOULD be.. but, I cant help but wishI could "run into the supermarket" with him for a handful of things without him begging me NOT to.. or refusing telling me "I cant!"... I wish I could go away (like so many of my other friends this week) to a hotel with a BIG pool and water slide and take him on sleigh rides and sledding like other kids... I wish I could call SOMEONE, ANYONE when its been a really rough day and say "hey could you come hang with Sam for an hour cause I just REALLY need a break..." but that doesnt happen.. cause it is ALL me 24/7 356.. unless I hire a babysitter at $15.00 an hour... and THEN sometimes Sam is a BEAR for the hours following since he is STRESSEd about being with a sitter... so I pay.. DOUBLE.. LOL.. for the time off.
I love him.. I DO... and I DONT want him to go anywhere.. I DONT want to NOT be Sams mom... I JUST wish it were easier.. I wish I didnt feel this strong and painful bitterness at this job sometimes... but maybe that is because the time off MY job is SO limited... we all freak out and get resentful with little to NO time off... and that is how its been for me recently...

 

 

auntkissy
by Karissa on Jan. 1, 2014 at 9:27 PM
2 moms liked this
I don't regret Hunter. I regret all the people around me with NT kids that they don't appreciate. Here I am just trying to make it one day at a time without breaking down from all the stress and meltdowns. I have an SO but I don't get breaks. I honestly just don't trust people with my child.
patnic
by Bronze Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 9:27 PM

Yes, not my son who has pdd-nos.  But I have resented my dh.  I think he is on the spectrum, although, no dx.  So sometimes, I resent him (which isn't fair) because I think in our case, my son is on the spectrum because of him.

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