Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Depressed Daughter, Mean School - Very long vent

Posted by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 1:26 PM
  • 3 Replies

Let me just say this is a vent and it is very long.  I just need to tell someone and you guys are it.  The last week has been so bad.  My almost 13 yr old daughter (Aspergers, generalized anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder) is having problems at school with social communications and the school administration.  It is a long story and I have posted a number of times on various items.  Suffice it to say that the school is not helping and is significantly making things worse.  The result is that my daughter is sinking into depression.  She has threatened and talked suicide.  I stopped her as she was preparing to cut her wrists.  She has drawn some pretty dark things and has written some very dark poems.  We have weekly therapy sessions and the therapist has described her as extremely fragile.  She doesn't want to go to school but we have not been giving her the option to not go.  It is mostly social communication problems and bullying at school that are the issues.  She manages to mostly hold it together at school but frequently will meltdown at home usually while trying to do homework.  Anything related to school is so bad for her.  Usually she gets straight A's at school but the grades are dropping.  She tells me she feels awful - everything hurts and aches.  She has trouble sleeping and when she does sleep she has nightmares.  She tells me she is having a really hard time focusing at school.  She does not want to do anything.   During the meltdowns at home she is verbally abusive to me and sometimes I feel absolutely hopeless. 

On Monday night she had a really bad meltdown that went on for 3 hours.  I spent Tuesday morning talking to K-12 about homeschool possibilities because things are so bad at the school I am just not certain what is going to happen on that front.  Then on Tuesday at noon I get a call from the school from the guidance counselor (a dip of a lady who pretends to be a therapist but she is not).  The school wants to know if I want to be present for a meeting with my daughter about an event that occurred last Friday.  Supposedly my daughter had made some sexual reference during recess about a donut on a stick and a donut with hole.  Another student said she put the donut on a stick through the donut with the hole and said they were having sex.  The other student then told her parents and the parents complained to the school.  I was still trying to deal with major meltdown from the night before.  The guidance counselor wanted the meeting that afternoon.  I wanted to consult the therapist first since my daughter is so fragile at this time.  I also wanted to talk to my daughter to get her side of the story before the meeting.  This school has historically over 7 years believed any parent who complains and never believes my daughter.  Anyway, I told the guidance counselor that this was treading on thin ice.  She took it the wrong way which I didn't understand at the time.  I have to admit I have a hard time with the guidance counselor because she does this passive aggressive thing.  I get lured into thinking she is understanding when she is not.  At any rate, I am trying to get a hold of the therapist, etc and I have this lady trying to get me to agree to a meeting that afternoon which I, of course, refuse to have. 

So after I talk to the therapist and talk to my daughter that night, I send an email to the principal and the guidance counselor telling them my daughter says it didn't happen.  My daughter had told me that at the birthday celebration on Friday she had taken a donut on a stick and a cookie.  Another student had given her a hard time about taking 2 items and that she should have only to taken one.  She offered the cookie to the girl since the girl was so upset about it.  (My daughter had told me this on Friday after school.  She generally tells me everything.  She talks all the time and there is no filtering at home. She makes an active effort to filter at school.)  She said that she sat down alone on one of the benches and two girls came to sit with her.  One of those girls has previously lodged complaints about my daughter that were based on half-truths.  (There was a big deal over that one where the middle school director wanted to expel my daughter because she was Columbine/Sandy Hook material.)  My daughter and this girl are not even supposed to talk to each other by order of the school.  I keep telling my daughter this girl is not her friend but they have started talking again.  Of course, the school will not tell me who lodged the complaint.  My daughter says it didn't happen.  She didn't have a donut with a hole.  She did say the other girl said the donut on the stick looked like a penis. 

So Wednesday afternoon I get an email from the principal that is just scathing.  It accuses me of yelling at the guidance counselor and not being co-operative with the school.  I had no idea - I thought I was working well with the lady.  I call the guidance counselor right after receiving the email.  I probably shouldn't have done that but I did find out that she seemingly took my statements trying to describe my daughter condition as yelling at her.  Granted I did have emotion in my voice - my daughter wants to kill herself and is depressed.  Some unsubstantiated statement about a donut on a stick and a donut with a hole being sexual is just so not on the same level as my daughter wants to kill herself.  This school clearly doesn't get it.  They really want my daughter to just go away - whatever way that may be.  I truly think they don't care if she kills herself.

Anyway, we had a therapist appointment right afterwards.  I am in tears.  Some of the phone calls have occurred in front of my daughter because I was picking her up from school right at that time.  For her part she showed real empathy towards me which is wow - she is generally not empathetic at all.  Anyway, I write a carefully crafted email (repeated rewrites with input from the therapist and my husband) to the principal and the guidance counselor.  Anyway, the principal does respond to my email and we have established a system that probably isn't workable but oh well, my daughter is still in school at this point.  So in little over a week, we see the psychiatrist.  The therapist is talking to the psychiatrist today about how fragile my daughter is and what we are facing.  I have no idea where this is going but I am trying to collect information on homeschooling and other alternatives.  I am not certain we will be able to even finish the year there let alone the future.  We picked this private school system (has grade school, middle school, and high school) because it is academically challenging and my daughter is gifted.  Now it seems to just be collapsing around us and the sad thing is that my daughter really hasn't done anything bad to warrant this result.

by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 1:26 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-3):
wildchild.com
by Janine on Feb. 14, 2014 at 2:24 PM
Awe my heart broke when I read this. The school sounds like they are really failing your daughter. It sounds like homeschooling is the best option. Hugs mama!
Rust.n.Gears
by Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 2:28 PM

I would definately homeschool at this point. Even K12 is a decent program that is done through the public school system. Also with homeschool if she excels she can graduate earlier and even go to college which may be a better fit for her. 

TheJerseyGirl
by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 2:50 PM

 I was screaming homeschool the whole time I was reading this until I saw you put it at the end of the post. If another school isn't an option (and I really don;t think she'd be any happier with that!) and you are willing to try homeschooling, then why not? What is more important? This so called public education or the fact that they are literally destroying her and her well being. I don;t care for any of these people you just told me about...they are pathetic "professionals" if you ask me.

Try to see if there is a homeschool group nearby that you can still be with for social gatherings and any homeschool help. They also go together on field trips and such. There just may be other families there with special needs kids! I think it would be a great idea to take a different approach with her education and I'm hoping that makes a world of difference on how she sees herself and her mental health.

Please tell this school to shove it. It makes me sick when I see them treat special needs children so unfairly and without any compassion at all. She deserves more and so do you!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)