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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Help from the moms that got help

Posted by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 1:52 PM
  • 25 Replies

Those of you who are in therapy or on medication for anxiety or depression ....... from the overwhelming stress in your life, how did you get help? How did you admit to your spouse you couldn't handle your feelings on your own? Who watches your kids when you go to therapy sessions for yourself? What did you do to make sure your children were safe while you tried out medications to make sure you didn't have any adverse reactions? ( I was put on an antidepressant in high school that made me somewhat homicidal ) 

Ladies, I'm drowning here. I've been telling myself since my daughter got diagnosed that I just had to make it to when we moved. That once we got moved, I could get the right therapies for her and everything would be okay. And in the meantime to do the best I could doing therapy at home. I started floortime therapy, I read books on autism. I've been finding creative ways to hide nutritious foods into her limited diet. I've worked on trying to get her to actually try said nutritous foods. But I'm tired. I'm tired of reading. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of getting up everyday and it being all on me to make sure my daughter is succeeding. I feed my daughter her yogurt because I'm tired of trying to show her how to use a spoon. I've fed her french fries with half her meals with week because I'm tired of being creative. My ECI team is a joke. I love the OT but we only see her once every other week. Speech we only have once a week and even though the speech therapist did a great job of introducing PECS,  but once he introduced it, I guess he just left it up to me to continue with it because he no longer uses it at all during our sessions. I should have booted him a long time ago but it took my daughter so freakin long to warm up to any of her therapists I thought she'd get more from these than having to start all over and get used to new ones.

We move next month but I don't think moving is going to make my feelings go away anymore. The recent playdates have been a harsh reminder of who my daughter isn't and it's getting hard to see who she is. I have all these negative emotions building inside me and I HATE them but they are there and I can't deny that any longer. I need help but I don't know how to ask. I cry everyday ...... not necessarily about my daughter but just because I feel like the only thing I can do is cry. And I'm scared. I'm scared my husband's going to tell me that since he's giving me what I wanted and I'm still not happy then I'll just never be happy. I'm afraid my doctor is going to tell me that's just life and to deal with it. I'm afraid nobody's going to understand. I tried to join the nearby autism support group but I've received no reply so I think it may have shut down.

Please help, I don't know what to do.

by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 1:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
TheJerseyGirl
by Michele on Feb. 14, 2014 at 2:20 PM

 Can I tell you I love you? It's so hard for us to be honest with those around us...it's almost like we feel guilty because the overwhelming love for our child is there but the overwhelming stress and sadness is there as well. As much as we want to tell those around us that "they're great! Doing so well in school!" blah, blah, blah, we see what's going on and it's not that great.

I feel like I'm in this relentless chase for him to catch up to his peers... although he is amazing in the strides he has made and he has met and exceeded goals, he is FAR from being like his peers in many ways. Anytime he is around the kids at school, I watch and die a little inside. I get so angry because it's not fair. It's not fair to HIM and it's not fair to ME. I did everything right! And I also feel there is literally no one to talk to , but I do have my husband and thank God we are a true team when it comes to Dillon.

 But my heart is broken on a daily basis for him and there is nothing I can do or anyone can say to shake that feeling. The stress, the worry, the research, the running here and there for him, The going the extra mile to make sure he is happy...all of it is exhausting to a point but then more so because there's no finish line. I know this is a lifetime illness and one that has as much uncertainty as a cancer. The thought of me not being here and him being alone someday is too much for me to take in. And I worry about it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. You could move 1,000 times but it's still there because it's OUR LIFE. Moving isn't going to make you happier..it'll just be another distraction until you are all settled in.

I've never taken medication but I applaud those who know it's time. Living in turmoil or so upset and stressed out is wrong if there is an answer to the problem. Maybe medication is your answer. There are  many, so they have other things than what you took in HS. You need to let your husband know this has become a real problem and you need to talk to someone.

There is nothing wrong with you or how you are feeling. You are stronger than you think! And you admitting that you need a little help to keep going. I"m proud of you for reaching out for help!

sourpatchmom098
by Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 2:24 PM

I understand where youare coming from. I live an hour away from my family and even if they were closer it wouldnt really make a difference. All i have to help with my daughter is my fiance and i. I've had to change my hours at work to help accommodate for her therapy, school, and my schooling. I have no babysitter to call or rely on when i need it, a few friends i have here have admitted to me that they are afraid of my daughter and therefore wouldnt fee comfortable babysitting. so, i have put off therapy or counseling for myself though i too know i need it. To be honest my only consolation is that i have met a few parents and family members of children with autism, and even though we dont get together to hang out, i at least have someone to talk to on occasion who really understands inside and to what im talking about and how im feeling

wildchild.com
by Janine on Feb. 14, 2014 at 2:35 PM
I'm so sorry your having such a difficult time. Hugs mama! Do you talk with a psychologist? It always helps to talk to someone. I have depression & anxiety & take medication for it. I've come to realize it runs in my family & I probabyy will always be on medication. Please talk to a professional & get some help!
ineedcoffeemom
by Brittaney on Feb. 14, 2014 at 2:52 PM

I just don't know how to explain to my husband I need help. I've hinted at it before and he said I didn't seem depressed to him. He even went so far one time as to say "for someone who says they used to really suffer from depression, you certainly value your life alot." We were having a fight over something I'm not going to discuss and so it doesn't quite make sense out of context but just showing why I'm scared to talk to him about this.

Quoting wildchild.com: I'm so sorry your having such a difficult time. Hugs mama! Do you talk with a psychologist? It always helps to talk to someone. I have depression & anxiety & take medication for it. I've come to realize it runs in my family & I probabyy will always be on medication. Please talk to a professional & get some help!


ineedcoffeemom
by Brittaney on Feb. 14, 2014 at 2:56 PM

Thank you for your support and your honesty. You're right, it wouldn't matter where we move, these problems aren't just going to disappear. I really don't know how to approach my husband about this though. I'm thinking I may just go to the doctor on my own and get help, ofcourse tell him what I'm doing but show him that I don't need his permission ...... that I know this is what I need. Then maybe he'll realize I did need the help when he sees how much more I can do and how much happier I'll be after getting some help. I wish that support group would contact me. ...... I pray it's not closed down, because I think he needs it as well as me.

Quoting TheJerseyGirl:

 Can I tell you I love you? It's so hard for us to be honest with those around us...it's almost like we feel guilty because the overwhelming love for our child is there but the overwhelming stress and sadness is there as well. As much as we want to tell those around us that "they're great! Doing so well in school!" blah, blah, blah, we see what's going on and it's not that great.

I feel like I'm in this relentless chase for him to catch up to his peers... although he is amazing in the strides he has made and he has met and exceeded goals, he is FAR from being like his peers in many ways. Anytime he is around the kids at school, I watch and die a little inside. I get so angry because it's not fair. It's not fair to HIM and it's not fair to ME. I did everything right! And I also feel there is literally no one to talk to , but I do have my husband and thank God we are a true team when it comes to Dillon.

 But my heart is broken on a daily basis for him and there is nothing I can do or anyone can say to shake that feeling. The stress, the worry, the research, the running here and there for him, The going the extra mile to make sure he is happy...all of it is exhausting to a point but then more so because there's no finish line. I know this is a lifetime illness and one that has as much uncertainty as a cancer. The thought of me not being here and him being alone someday is too much for me to take in. And I worry about it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. You could move 1,000 times but it's still there because it's OUR LIFE. Moving isn't going to make you happier..it'll just be another distraction until you are all settled in.

I've never taken medication but I applaud those who know it's time. Living in turmoil or so upset and stressed out is wrong if there is an answer to the problem. Maybe medication is your answer. There are  many, so they have other things than what you took in HS. You need to let your husband know this has become a real problem and you need to talk to someone.

There is nothing wrong with you or how you are feeling. You are stronger than you think! And you admitting that you need a little help to keep going. I"m proud of you for reaching out for help!


johnns
by Johnna on Feb. 14, 2014 at 3:26 PM
1 mom liked this
Maybe take a break from the play dates, a break from the autism books, read something enjoyable. Just take some time off from the autistic supermom, its still going to be there when you move. Now, unless you have a doc you see regularly, it could take some time to get in, if not, make an appointment. A little Prozac could go a long ways, at least get you through this move.
I'm moving myself, and the stress is overwhelming. I was so upset at DH for putting this burdon on me, he's already at the new location. I was just reading today how stressful moving is, its not in our imaginations! I myself have had to minimize our lifestyle. For right now, Sally is only getting therapy from school- more will have to wait till I move.
I've got my boys to help out when I'm overstressed. I'm sorry for your blues. Stay focused on packing, getting ready for the move, relax. Children are quite strong and resilient, she will survive without all the food groups! Take care of yourself!
ineedcoffeemom
by Brittaney on Feb. 14, 2014 at 4:14 PM

Yeah, I asked for help from my dh on two things with the move. And he didn't help with either of them. With the first thing I asked ( I wanted him to pick the house inspector) he just gave me a laundry list of questions to ask ...... questions I didn't understand and I would've have known if the answers were the right ones, so I just said screw it and picked the one my realtor trusted. And the second thing I asked was for him to talk to insurance companies about homeowners insurance. He said we'd do it together on the weekend, then the weekend came and he wanted to go to this brewery demonstration, so he went and took his best friend, leaving me to pick up my daughter on my own from my parents (they kept her one night so we could discuss the inspection results and work on other house things ..... I talked to my dh about things and he just kept saying uh huh uh huh uh huh) and his friend ended up staying the night at our house.

I get my dh's job is stressful and I want him to have time with his friends because hey, I want time with friends too (even though he's NEVER offered to watch our daughter and let me go be with a friend), but these were the ONLY two things I wanted help with. I got our lender, I got our realtor, I picked all these houses we looked at, I've read all the fine print on every freaking piece of paper, and now I've found our homeowners insurance because yeah, he wouldn't. So I've done everything for this move and I will be doing all the packing (haven't started yet ..... i packed our house last time, the whole thing in less than 2 weeks, moved alot as a kid so I'm an expert packer). And I've let him know that I'm ok doing it all for the most part, that's why it upset me so much when he wouldn't help with the 2 things I asked for. I did everything else, but asking for anything was like asking for everything from him.

Quoting johnns: Maybe take a break from the play dates, a break from the autism books, read something enjoyable. Just take some time off from the autistic supermom, its still going to be there when you move. Now, unless you have a doc you see regularly, it could take some time to get in, if not, make an appointment. A little Prozac could go a long ways, at least get you through this move.
I'm moving myself, and the stress is overwhelming. I was so upset at DH for putting this burdon on me, he's already at the new location. I was just reading today how stressful moving is, its not in our imaginations! I myself have had to minimize our lifestyle. For right now, Sally is only getting therapy from school- more will have to wait till I move.
I've got my boys to help out when I'm overstressed. I'm sorry for your blues. Stay focused on packing, getting ready for the move, relax. Children are quite strong and resilient, she will survive without all the food groups! Take care of yourself!


johnns
by Johnna on Feb. 14, 2014 at 5:33 PM
1 mom liked this
Lord knows I could use your expertise! Well, I'd say he's on your s*it list! I've been married for 17 yrs- defiantly have had those moments. Matter of fact, I tied one on last weekend and told DH just how pissed I was having to do all this! Lol He took it like a big boy! Hang in there, once you move and settle in, maybe it will better. You mentioned he's never offered to watch baby for you, just ask him! Make plans and tell him your going out! He'll live! Marriage is give & take! Husbands don't read minds, let him know you nneed a break and your going out.
I know I'm at my witts end on this whole thing. Thank God my SIL is sweet enough to drive 12 hrs to come help. I've been a single parent now for almost a yr, dealing with 3 kids. My boys do not want to move. I just keep trying to tell myself that once were altogether things will be functional again- that is if I don't end up on the nutty farm! Lol

Quoting ineedcoffeemom:

Yeah, I asked for help from my dh on two things with the move. And he didn't help with either of them. With the first thing I asked ( I wanted him to pick the house inspector) he just gave me a laundry list of questions to ask ...... questions I didn't understand and I would've have known if the answers were the right ones, so I just said screw it and picked the one my realtor trusted. And the second thing I asked was for him to talk to insurance companies about homeowners insurance. He said we'd do it together on the weekend, then the weekend came and he wanted to go to this brewery demonstration, so he went and took his best friend, leaving me to pick up my daughter on my own from my parents (they kept her one night so we could discuss the inspection results and work on other house things ..... I talked to my dh about things and he just kept saying uh huh uh huh uh huh) and his friend ended up staying the night at our house.

I get my dh's job is stressful and I want him to have time with his friends because hey, I want time with friends too (even though he's NEVER offered to watch our daughter and let me go be with a friend), but these were the ONLY two things I wanted help with. I got our lender, I got our realtor, I picked all these houses we looked at, I've read all the fine print on every freaking piece of paper, and now I've found our homeowners insurance because yeah, he wouldn't. So I've done everything for this move and I will be doing all the packing (haven't started yet ..... i packed our house last time, the whole thing in less than 2 weeks, moved alot as a kid so I'm an expert packer). And I've let him know that I'm ok doing it all for the most part, that's why it upset me so much when he wouldn't help with the 2 things I asked for. I did everything else, but asking for anything was like asking for everything from him.

Quoting johnns: Maybe take a break from the play dates, a break from the autism books, read something enjoyable. Just take some time off from the autistic supermom, its still going to be there when you move. Now, unless you have a doc you see regularly, it could take some time to get in, if not, make an appointment. A little Prozac could go a long ways, at least get you through this move.

I'm moving myself, and the stress is overwhelming. I was so upset at DH for putting this burdon on me, he's already at the new location. I was just reading today how stressful moving is, its not in our imaginations! I myself have had to minimize our lifestyle. For right now, Sally is only getting therapy from school- more will have to wait till I move.

I've got my boys to help out when I'm overstressed. I'm sorry for your blues. Stay focused on packing, getting ready for the move, relax. Children are quite strong and resilient, she will survive without all the food groups! Take care of yourself!


Jenibob
by Bronze Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 5:49 PM
2 moms liked this

I agree with Johnna, give yourself permission to take a break for now. Your daughter will not regress, get worse, or any of the negative things we tell ourselves out of fear or exhaustion. IT IS OK TO TAKE A TIME OUT! You have so much going on. I shake just thinking about moving. As far as husbands go, sometimes I put mine on the back burner and take care of other pressing issues. May not be a healthy approach but has kept me from losing my mind after 20 years of marriage. Please slow down, not every moment has to be a teachable one for your daughter. Keep therapy going but give yourself a chance to breathe. Your general practitioner should be able to discuss medication management with you. A lot of depression meds are meant for temporary use. Please be kind to yourself and hang on. If I lived near you I would take you out for a great dinner and a spa day and leave the guys at home with the kids:)


jowen905
by Jan on Feb. 14, 2014 at 6:14 PM

 Definitely seek some help for yourself, you deserve it!!  I have anxiety and I take medication for it, I've had anxiety all of my life, but it took me until about 5 years ago to get the courage up to see a psychiatrist.  I wish I had done that much sooner!  For me the medication has been a life saver.  Maybe you'll choose to try med or maybe you won't, but I think you really really need to talk to a professional.  I wish you the best of luck, I hate knowing that you're feeling so bad........hugs!

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