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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

I'm never making cupcakes again. Good or Bad idea ?

Posted by on Feb. 15, 2014 at 9:59 AM
  • 34 Replies

   Sometimes you just want to make a snack with lots of frosting. I tried to explain to my child that we don't have cupcakes for breakfast. She then figures out the fridge lock and takes a cupcake.

So, I said FINE...that's the last one you are having today because you didn't listen to mom. I explained again that we don't have them for breakfast. It's not healthy.

Then later, she demands another one and throws a fit. So, I said FINE have it but I'm never making cupcakes again. I threw them all in the garbage.

  My daughter has high functioning autism but I know she understands what I'm saying to her. She can really put up a fight to get what she wants. She is VERY VERY persistant. I'm tired of not being able to say NO and her not accepting NO when I say it the first time.

I guess it's just better to avoid making anything with frosting and sprinkles ever again. But "No means No" and by throwing out the cupcakes or never making them again means that I'm changing the world for her and I shouldn't do that. She needs to learn "No" and respect my authority. HOW DO I MAKE THAT HAPPEN ? How do you get a kid on the spectrum to respect your authority ?

Just to note: I have nowhere to hide the cupcakes except the fridge and perhaps I just should have thrown all the cupcakes in the trash to begin with. 

P.S. my child is 5 and yes, I admit that I'm at my wits end with behavior management. The speech delay made behavior management a little tricky which snowballs into her still having tantrums. I want to fix this.

So...should I ever make cupcakes again ? (and oh God, spare me, if you're going to say you only make organic or just veggie cupcakes or you wouldn't be caught dead ever eating a cupcake. That isn't the real world. Someone, somewhere will make cupcakes again. LOL )

 

by on Feb. 15, 2014 at 9:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MixedCooke
by Bronze Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 3:05 PM
I'm not saying to give in but what about making healthy alternatives that mimic the look of cupcakes? Maybe it's more of the texture. Say you have a hard time getting her to take vitamins, add the liquid vitamins in the cupcakes. They also have those vita muffins or gummy vitamins that she may think are candy, etc. where there is a will, there is a way-just make sure your will is stronger than hers!
Momof4AEMW
by Gold Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 3:18 PM

My son with ASD is also 5, but he sounds kind of the opposite of your daughter.  He thrives on rules and black/white.  Once he learns the expectation, he does not go around it.  Don't get me wrong, he is a challenge in many ways, but he does do what I ask of him.  If he doesn't want to at times he will have a little fit, but he'll still end up doing it.  I'm not sure what to tell you.  Does she have ABA therapy that they could work on this?

Oh, and I'm with you - full sugar, flour, gooey cupcakes.  No hidden veggies or tofu or anything in mine!  :)

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 4:11 PM
4 moms liked this

why not have a cupcake for breakfast? I dont think they are any worse or better then donuts or danish or poptarts or half the other crappy cereals that kids eat... I mean... I guess what Im saying is why say no? What was your concern about her eating a cupcake for breakfast? What was her concern about eating the cupcake? Could she have eaten a healthy breakfast and had a cupcake for "dessert" (after breakfast?)

 Im guessing your DD has some issues with having YOUR will enforced on her. She has some black and white absolule thinking going on. She has some rigidity. She has difficulty with unmet expectations and problem solving. She has her own mind, she wants to do what she wants to do... and as the "grown up" so do you... BUT... too objects pushing hard against each other doesnt work... one breaks. Who is the rigid one? You or her?

You should make cupcakes again. You should discuss with your DD when you do... what you both think the best way to have the cupcakes in the house wull be. Does she like eating the cupcakes? Can she understand your concern with not eating a healthy breakfast? Can she understand why we cant eat 24 cupcakes in a day? Do you understand what her thoughts might be in having the cupcakes around? what her expectation will be? Can you guys come to a mutually satisfactory decision about how the cupcakes will be handled.

Listen, I wish our kids were the types of kids who could just "do". but they cant. Many things get in their way... the poor impulse control, the rigidity, the inflexibility, the emotional dysregualtion.. it ALL gets in their way... we need to work within their capability and help them figure out how to do better.. by being proactive in the problem solving, setting clear expecations WITH them (big difference then setting it for them) and working together to get thru challenging things.

HUGS mom... this is a tough one.. but as you know, today it is a cupcake.. tomorrrow its over a shirt... day after that it is over a TV show... there is ALWAYS something that they have an "expectation" on how it SHOULD go that needs to be managed... but working together to figure out what is SO important about it.. and working together to solve the problem so everyone is happy (YOU included).

wildchild.com
by Janine on Feb. 15, 2014 at 4:44 PM
In situation like that I would have said breakfast first then cupcake. My son went through the same thing with ice cream . Everytime I turned around he was in the fridge. So I stopped buying the ice cream & eventually he got it. So now he's 8 & does ask me for food now before he helps himself.
AylinsMom
by on Feb. 15, 2014 at 6:50 PM
1 mom liked this

Last week as an experiment I put a little butternut squash in bananna muffins. She ate them but not as fast as a cupcake and not all of it. LOL These kids are too smart. 

Quoting MixedCooke: I'm not saying to give in but what about making healthy alternatives that mimic the look of cupcakes? Maybe it's more of the texture. Say you have a hard time getting her to take vitamins, add the liquid vitamins in the cupcakes. They also have those vita muffins or gummy vitamins that she may think are candy, etc. where there is a will, there is a way-just make sure your will is stronger than hers!


AylinsMom
by on Feb. 15, 2014 at 6:54 PM
1 mom liked this

Yep ! I do the first "this" and then "that thing all the time but lately she isn't listening to this concept. Ugggh. LOL Ice Cream ? I haven't bought that in months...there's a reason why. LOL We only go out for ice cream now.  

Quoting wildchild.com: In situation like that I would have said breakfast first then cupcake. My son went through the same thing with ice cream . Everytime I turned around he was in the fridge. So I stopped buying the ice cream & eventually he got it. So now he's 8 & does ask me for food now before he helps himself.


3chicksfarmmom
by Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 7:03 PM
1 mom liked this

I can totally relate.  My 5 year old daughter will also get fixated on food and insist to the point of tantrum.  We do use first, then language with her.  Of course this does not always work, but we try toe consistent.  She will also just take and run as your son does.  So I guess all I can say is I know what a struggle this can be!  Hang in there :)

MomOfOneCoolKid
by Gold Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 8:43 PM
2 moms liked this

Well, forever seems a bit much, but AT THE MOMENT is the most important time...

It also depends on age and developmental age. I think my son is 5 yrs old, but socially-emotionally developmentally ranges from age 3 to 4. Most of the time 3.

So, the best thing to do if you know she is eyeing the cupcake is to remove her from the situation so that it doesn't occur in the first place.

Or if you know that cupcakes are an issue, talk about cupcake policy before introducing the cupcakes.

First, we're doing X.

Then, we're doing Y.

We are only going to have 1 cupcake after lunch, or whatever. 

Okay, so she sneeked and got a cupcake, what then? What should be done (but easier said than done -- I know!) would be to have taken it from her no matter how long the tanturm lasted. No time out for tantrums or meltdowns, except for maybe physical aggression ( I do put mine in time out if he hits or scratches or lord forbid, bites -- immediate, non-verbal, non-emotional )...

She already ate one before you noticed?

In my book, not a biggie, but I would just continue to reinforce the rules. "Oh oh. No cupcakes until after lunch. And we can only have one. Can you remember?" This is what I do w/ my boy. The "can you remember" part comes from a book called "No biting" smh

I think throwing them away is fine. But again, it *should* be done w/o emotion. Just matter of fact and without announcement. W/o "b/c you ate a cupcake, i am throwing out the cupcakes). If she notices that the cupcakes are gone, just say, yeah, they're gone. I wouldn't draw attention to the event b/c that would just make the event more likely. Try prevention again next time.

If throwing away the cupcakes is going to cause a meltdown, then explain beforehand that you are going to throw away the cupcakes b/c they're old... I wouldn't go down the power struggle route b/c that usually just adds defensiveness and more likely oppositional behavior or just more "cupcake" or other sneaking incidents...

That's what I've learned from ABA and other parenting articles, etc...


I am struggling mightly with this issue myself. http://www.cafemom.com/group/112775/forums/read/19631424/Epiphany_The_tantrums?last#post257507933

My husband is better at "no means no" You don't have to say "no means no"...

The best, ive noticed for my son, is the policy of "speak softly, carry a big stick" That means that my demeanor, touch, tone of voice, and words are sweet, but consequences are fast and done with.

So, "can i have...?"

"I'm sorry honey. Diet Mtn Dew is only for adults. It'll hurt your brain" (one of our issues)

(I've also found that some reasons given are actually better than just a more arbitrary sounding no)

DS goes to get one. I go right behind him and get it. Repeat, "I'm sorry honey. ..."
Tantrum. Okay. Sometimes, I hug him. "I'm sorry. I know its hard but ... repeat"

If it happens again, again, repeat....

Eventually, he got the idea. He sneaked one, and I said, "honey, can you put the mtn dew back in the fridge?" "Can I have it?" And I say, "you can't b/c..." DS: "it'll hurt your brain"

"That's right"

He puts it back.

AylinsMom
by on Feb. 15, 2014 at 9:05 PM

She didn't see me throw out the cupcakes and luckily didn't have a tantrum that they were gone. Anyway, I told her afterwards that there would be no more cupcakes since she did not listen earlier. There is no way to remove her from the situation (small house) so yes, I should have just taken the cupcake. I'll try the "do you remember" part. It just gets so frustrating "having to do the soft voice - carry a big stick" dance. I'm tired of it. I guess I just have to sit back and refuel for a moment and have more patience. The "do you remember" thing is a good point. Thanks

Quoting MomOfOneCoolKid:

Well, forever seems a bit much, but AT THE MOMENT is the most important time...

It also depends on age and developmental age. I think my son is 5 yrs old, but socially-emotionally developmentally ranges from age 3 to 4. Most of the time 3.

So, the best thing to do if you know she is eyeing the cupcake is to remove her from the situation so that it doesn't occur in the first place.

Or if you know that cupcakes are an issue, talk about cupcake policy before introducing the cupcakes.

First, we're doing X.

Then, we're doing Y.

We are only going to have 1 cupcake after lunch, or whatever. 

Okay, so she sneeked and got a cupcake, what then? What should be done (but easier said than done -- I know!) would be to have taken it from her no matter how long the tanturm lasted. No time out for tantrums or meltdowns, except for maybe physical aggression ( I do put mine in time out if he hits or scratches or lord forbid, bites -- immediate, non-verbal, non-emotional )...

She already ate one before you noticed?

In my book, not a biggie, but I would just continue to reinforce the rules. "Oh oh. No cupcakes until after lunch. And we can only have one. Can you remember?" This is what I do w/ my boy. The "can you remember" part comes from a book called "No biting" smh

I think throwing them away is fine. But again, it *should* be done w/o emotion. Just matter of fact and without announcement. W/o "b/c you ate a cupcake, i am throwing out the cupcakes). If she notices that the cupcakes are gone, just say, yeah, they're gone. I wouldn't draw attention to the event b/c that would just make the event more likely. Try prevention again next time.

If throwing away the cupcakes is going to cause a meltdown, then explain beforehand that you are going to throw away the cupcakes b/c they're old... I wouldn't go down the power struggle route b/c that usually just adds defensiveness and more likely oppositional behavior or just more "cupcake" or other sneaking incidents...

That's what I've learned from ABA and other parenting articles, etc...


I am struggling mightly with this issue myself. http://www.cafemom.com/group/112775/forums/read/19631424/Epiphany_The_tantrums?last#post257507933

My husband is better at "no means no" You don't have to say "no means no"...

The best, ive noticed for my son, is the policy of "speak softly, carry a big stick" That means that my demeanor, touch, tone of voice, and words are sweet, but consequences are fast and done with.

So, "can i have...?"

"I'm sorry honey. Diet Mtn Dew is only for adults. It'll hurt your brain" (one of our issues)

(I've also found that some reasons given are actually better than just a more arbitrary sounding no)

DS goes to get one. I go right behind him and get it. Repeat, "I'm sorry honey. ..."
Tantrum. Okay. Sometimes, I hug him. "I'm sorry. I know its hard but ... repeat"

If it happens again, again, repeat....

Eventually, he got the idea. He sneaked one, and I said, "honey, can you put the mtn dew back in the fridge?" "Can I have it?" And I say, "you can't b/c..." DS: "it'll hurt your brain"

"That's right"

He puts it back.


MomOfOneCoolKid
by Gold Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 9:30 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting AylinsMom:

She didn't see me throw out the cupcakes and luckily didn't have a tantrum that they were gone. Anyway, I told her afterwards that there would be no more cupcakes since she did not listen earlier. There is no way to remove her from the situation (small house) so yes, I should have just taken the cupcake. I'll try the "do you remember" part. It just gets so frustrating "having to do the soft voice - carry a big stick" dance. I'm tired of it. I guess I just have to sit back and refuel for a moment and have more patience. The "do you remember" thing is a good point. Thanks

Quoting MomOfOneCoolKid:

Well, forever seems a bit much, but AT THE MOMENT is the most important time...

It also depends on age and developmental age. I think my son is 5 yrs old, but socially-emotionally developmentally ranges from age 3 to 4. Most of the time 3.

So, the best thing to do if you know she is eyeing the cupcake is to remove her from the situation so that it doesn't occur in the first place.

Or if you know that cupcakes are an issue, talk about cupcake policy before introducing the cupcakes.

First, we're doing X.

Then, we're doing Y.

We are only going to have 1 cupcake after lunch, or whatever. 

Okay, so she sneeked and got a cupcake, what then? What should be done (but easier said than done -- I know!) would be to have taken it from her no matter how long the tanturm lasted. No time out for tantrums or meltdowns, except for maybe physical aggression ( I do put mine in time out if he hits or scratches or lord forbid, bites -- immediate, non-verbal, non-emotional )...

She already ate one before you noticed?

In my book, not a biggie, but I would just continue to reinforce the rules. "Oh oh. No cupcakes until after lunch. And we can only have one. Can you remember?" This is what I do w/ my boy. The "can you remember" part comes from a book called "No biting" smh

I think throwing them away is fine. But again, it *should* be done w/o emotion. Just matter of fact and without announcement. W/o "b/c you ate a cupcake, i am throwing out the cupcakes). If she notices that the cupcakes are gone, just say, yeah, they're gone. I wouldn't draw attention to the event b/c that would just make the event more likely. Try prevention again next time.

If throwing away the cupcakes is going to cause a meltdown, then explain beforehand that you are going to throw away the cupcakes b/c they're old... I wouldn't go down the power struggle route b/c that usually just adds defensiveness and more likely oppositional behavior or just more "cupcake" or other sneaking incidents...

That's what I've learned from ABA and other parenting articles, etc...


I am struggling mightly with this issue myself. http://www.cafemom.com/group/112775/forums/read/19631424/Epiphany_The_tantrums?last#post257507933

My husband is better at "no means no" You don't have to say "no means no"...

The best, ive noticed for my son, is the policy of "speak softly, carry a big stick" That means that my demeanor, touch, tone of voice, and words are sweet, but consequences are fast and done with.

So, "can i have...?"

"I'm sorry honey. Diet Mtn Dew is only for adults. It'll hurt your brain" (one of our issues)

(I've also found that some reasons given are actually better than just a more arbitrary sounding no)

DS goes to get one. I go right behind him and get it. Repeat, "I'm sorry honey. ..."
Tantrum. Okay. Sometimes, I hug him. "I'm sorry. I know its hard but ... repeat"

If it happens again, again, repeat....

Eventually, he got the idea. He sneaked one, and I said, "honey, can you put the mtn dew back in the fridge?" "Can I have it?" And I say, "you can't b/c..." DS: "it'll hurt your brain"

"That's right"

He puts it back.

 

 Oh man! I've been literally to the point of tears so many times.

Yeah, recharging is essential especially when they are at their peak times. I don't know about you, but there are periods of time when my son just seems more oppositional and then periods of time when he's compliant, sweet... who is this boy and can he stay forever? Sometimes I don't know why, but routines do play a part, I think....

The "do you remember" thing would only work for my son only b/c I read that book to him several times.

I don't think he would know what "remember" means if it weren't for the book...

Anyways, hugs mama! And GL!

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