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She's so Violent!

Posted by on Feb. 15, 2014 at 4:23 PM
  • 11 Replies

So DD (three and ASD with SPD) is so violent with DS (19 months old), DH and I. We have gone to the school to try to get her ABA therapy and they don't want to go that route yet, but she keeps pushing, kicking and hitting DS. All he is doing is Crying or trying to play with her. He goes and tries to give her her drink - all she sees is him holding it, therefore he is obviously taking it, He tries to play with the cars with her, she has to tell him which ones to play with, if he tries to play with another one she attacks him. They are working on taking turns in preschool and ST/OT but she hasn't gotten to the point that she will let him pick which toy he plays with versus what she tells him to do. Poor DS just wants to play with her. He comes to the gate upset about something or crying cause he wants to come out to where I am and before I can get there to get him she pushes him down or kicks him, etc... Then she attacks him more and me when I try to intervene and rescue DS. I can't spend my whole day in the same area of the house as them cause I am trying to do things like work, or cleaning up. It is an open floor plan so it's not like I can't hear them or see them most of the time. Anyway, I am looking for ideas. I do try to put her in timeout when she gets violent, but she is getting into this thing that it has to be her idea to go to time out. I have tried making a big deal about DS and ignoring her, but she doesn't care. I have been working on taking turns with her and she tolerates it, but she still wants to to decide who does what when we play. I know spanking doesn't work either. I have also tried to take away the toys they are fighting over to show them the consequence of fighting. She does know the rules- she repeats them to me when I ask her to and she is able to sometimes tell us and her brother that she is sorry- but sometimes I think she is just repeating what has happened in the past and not really sorry.  

I also am having the issue that I am losing control when she is kicking and screaming so loud. I can't stand the sound of her screaming but I can't leave her with DS. I also have tried to take DS out of the room and go somewhere else in the house (because I feel like going outside and leaving them or her is a bad idea) but going somewhere else only lasts so long before the sound gets to me (Again, open concept house). Anyway, I try not to scream at her myself cause I know that doesn't help either, but it is so hard. So I guess I am looking for ideas for her violence and discipline (when the school is holding back on ABA), and also on how to control my temper and not scream at her or spank her- I really don't want to do those things. :/ 

by on Feb. 15, 2014 at 4:23 PM
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by Platinum Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 7:18 PM

Can she get private ABA through your insurance since you can't get it in the schools?

What about seperate play areas for the two kids when you can't be in playing with them to keep the son safe?

by on Feb. 15, 2014 at 7:27 PM
Honestly what has worked with my ds when he is hitting, biting, kicking or anything else to someone is that someone doing it back to him. He doesn't like being hit, bit, or kicked back and has given it up (at least at home).
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by Bronze Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 7:35 PM

Do you have private insurance? What state do you live in? Does she have medicaid? In our state we can choose to put our kids on mediciad that have ASD, it's a program for kids with disabilities. Because of that we asked for residencey...and it was the best thing for us.

Your other to your insurance and her therapist that she is working with, because I hate to tell you the school districts won't pay for anything if they can help it. Which means you might have a fight on your hands.

Good luck...though I would do something about this...that's not good. Hang in there hun!

by Platinum Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 8:00 PM 

read the parents are. Click to take the tour. 

by Gold Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 9:36 PM

In this situation, I think I would just try to, as much as possible, separate them.

Only in small doses, really small periods of time, introduce them to play with each other. :(

I imagine that's impossible, but, I guess that goes back to my first sentence: try to separate them as much as possible.

I hope you can get some ABA for in-home help.

As for the school ABA, I might look into an educational advocate to get her in the program. Good luck mom

by Darby on Feb. 16, 2014 at 7:53 AM

These ladies have some good advice...hugs mama!
by Janine on Feb. 16, 2014 at 10:58 AM
Hugs mama! My son was the same way & taken a favorite toy away helped & consistency. Although the older got the stronger he got. So I finally had to put him on medication. With my son alot of the violence was anxiety driven & the medication has helped him out immensely.I at first didn't like the idea but then I broke my wrist trying to control my son . So I begged the doctor to help me get him on something that would calm him.
by Gold Member on Feb. 16, 2014 at 1:03 PM

It sounds like your child needs behavieral therapy and learning to use her/his words/communication if angry.  My son used to hit me and his father when angry at 3 years.  We used time outs and taught him to use his words, I'm angry, instead of hitting when he hit us.  Within a few months he started using his words.  Now at 5 he always uses his words when angry.

by Arlea on Feb. 16, 2014 at 4:09 PM

 When my oldest twin (Not ASD but has some control issues) starts to act violent or mean to his brothers because they: touched his tower, walked into his space, read his book etc. I make him apologize and make up.

Often this won't be enough and he'll lash out with a fit. If he does I take the toy away and send him to his room. I tell him that " in life we don't always get to do only what we want, we often have to share our time with others." Then I give him sometime to work it out in his head. When he's calmed down I go to his room and we discuss what happened. I think it is starting to get through to him, his outbursts are coming less frequently.

BTW, I do let him do things on his own without his brothers as well. He just thinks life should be his way all the time.

hope this helps, good luck!

*** the solitary room time works for him because he hates being alone, but maybe something else might be more meaning full to your daughter.  My hubby's dad used to make his boys stare at each others face till they apologized, sometime nose to nose. (they were older)

by Platinum Member on Feb. 16, 2014 at 5:26 PM

This almost sounds like a control situation. That she is trying to control things and if they aren't the way she wants them she reacts by being physical. I would just keep interferring in her play when you are working on turn taking. If she wants a you to do a certain thing with a toy I would do something else. I would tell her if she wants to play with her toy that way it's fine but you are going to play with your toy your way. If she has a meltdown just continue playing your way. If the meltdown continues I would just pick up the pieces and put them away. Yes the meltdown will escalate but hopefully she will learn that she is not in control of the game and that by playing together means doing things the way both players want to do it. 

As for being violent towards her brother it's probably because he reacts to her. My son would go after his sister when he got mad. She would run or scream and he would go after her more. We told her not to back down to him. We encouraged her to stand her ground and yell NO! This actually stopped a lot of this. He didn't have her screaming or running anymore and he didn't have that to feed off of. She is a year older but it didn't matter because he liked her reaction to him hitting. Now she yells NO! or STOP! or even pushes him back. Yes I know the pushing back is not really the right answer but it works for him

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