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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Not totally Autism related, but need some advice/reassurance and scared of other groups. LOL

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 3:15 PM
  • 15 Replies

I'll try to make this short, but have to give some background first.  My DH's brother passed away after an extended battle with colon cancer in 3/12.  In 7/12, my SIL moved to MN and lived with us until december of 2013.  She barely paid anything and we gave her a car, (3 actually) a cell phone, insurance, food, toothpaste, shampoo, everyting.  She only bought her own makeup, cigs (sometimes we even paid for those) etc.  She was "trying" to get back on her feet since she lost everything when he was sick and he was the main bread winner.  ANyway, in December, I asked her to maybe switch to generic cigarettes, or not buy a $3.00 energy drink every day so she could start paying a little more.  We asked for $200/mo for everything, she was paying $100-$120 some months, some nothing at all as she kept going on trips to meet guys she was talking to on the internet.  So she got mad and moved to Texas to move in with the current guy she was talking to.  She has a 90 pound dog who is neurotic as hell.  I had to put rugs down in my entire kitchen because this dog is scared of the wood floor!!  So she was flying one way, and asked if we would please keep her dog for a month or two.  She got kicked out of where she was, ended up with some druggie guy who keeps "stealing" her new car she bought. And I am sure she is on drugs now also as when she was living with us, she stole my DS's Concerta TWICE.  Like 10 pills or more each time.  We made her go to treatment or she had to leave and she did, but I just dont' think she gets it!   Now, she is mad because I gave her a deadline of March 15th to come get her dog or we will get rid of her.  The dog keeps me up half the night whining, I let her out and she runs off for an hour or two and since it is MN and frigidly cold, I can't go back to bed til she comes back or she'll freeze to death.  She bit my foot the other day when I went to step over her while she was eating.  It didn't break the skin, but it hurt.  She barks at my grandkids and scares them.  She eats like a PIG and I am spending an extra almost $50 a month on food which she is not paying for.  The list goes on.  When I messaged her (because her phone got turned off) that we were giving her a deadline, her reply was "I guess I'll just lose everyting then!"  :-(  Am I out of line here?  I know most likely the dog will end up being put down because she is almost 9 and is not in the best of health and I feel bad about that, but I just don't know what else to do!  I seriously doubt she will ever be in a position to come get her.  :-(  Ideas?

by on Mar. 4, 2014 at 3:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
samomama
by Sally on Mar. 4, 2014 at 3:39 PM

First of all, it was so nice of you to offer help when she needed it the most, and on top of everything to live on your expense. So so so generous of you! I can only imagine how frustrating was for you to watch her go wrong directions ... I think you did more than most will do for her, and you should not feel guilty.

I honestly don't know what would I do with the dog if I were you, but  I would not blame you for getting rid of the dog. I know it is sad if she'll be put away, and having the dog was not your choice either. She is giving you trouble. IDK, but I think I would wait until the deadline you gave to your SIL, and if she doesn't show up to pick her up, I will think of a way to get the dog out of my house.

Hugs and good luck!

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Mar. 4, 2014 at 4:02 PM

Well she sounds like a train wreck.. i am so sorry. It sounds like you are right.. She isnt coming back for that dog any time soon. Can you look for a no kill shelter? A rescue place? i think you should make a real effort to find that dog a great home.. Someone to love and care for him.. He didnt ask to be abandoned by his mom and just cause he is a difficult dog doesnt mean he should die... :( (it makes me think of my kid.. He is difficult too...lol) so do you best between now and then to find him a place, a home... If you can do that, then DONT feel bad. Listen, if that dog were her kid (and I think of oets that way) and she left him with you for this long with no plan to care for him or what... Find him a better place with people who love him and dont turn back. 

Her silly juvinile comment about "how Ill just lose everything" irritates me.. Ya know what, you dont work to take care of something then YES, you lose it..l having love, an animal, a family who cares for you is a PRIVLIDGE that if you dont care for and about, yes, you should lose it. maybe hitting that bottom will help her turn it around. :( 

lady_katie
by Silver Member on Mar. 4, 2014 at 4:03 PM

Out of line? No way!! This person is just going to take take take from you until you have nothing left to give, and then she'll be mad at you for that too. Get rid of that dog and don't let this person back into your house. There's no helping people who do not want to help themselves. 

Jenn8604
by Jennifer on Mar. 4, 2014 at 4:14 PM
As soon as she started talking to men not that long after the bil died would have been when I kicked her out. I was with my ex for 8 mos and we broke up and he didn't die. I was devastated for about a year. How the hell do you marry someone and live with them for so long and just "get over" them? I don't buy she had time to cope with the fact that he may die so she got over it before he died. I say dump the dog at a shelter NOW since it's biting.
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Rhodin
by Member on Mar. 4, 2014 at 4:20 PM
Grief affects everyone differently. However, flirting with internet strangers and stealing drugs are not healthy ways to deal with a loss. She needs therapy, probably a lot of therapy, and a real job of some sort. If she's not willing to seek such help, then you pretty much have to cut her off, otherwise you're just enabling her dysfunctional behavior. Hopefully, she sees the light and goes into treatment.

Quoting Jenn8604: As soon as she started talking to men not that long after the bil died would have been when I kicked her out. I was with my ex for 8 mos and we broke up and he didn't die. I was devastated for about a year. How the hell do you marry someone and live with them for so long and just "get over" them? I don't buy she had time to cope with the fact that he may die so she got over it before he died. I say dump the dog at a shelter NOW since it's biting.
Hottubgodess
by Jackie on Mar. 4, 2014 at 4:28 PM

Wow, you were way over nice.  I'm going to be mean and blunt - ditch the bitch.  You have enough with your family to care for.  Dont let her problems be yours anymore.  Sorry for her hard luck - she is an adult and she can either continue to act like a spoilt child or take care of her self.  Did they have any kids?  If so take custody.

As for the dog - call your local Humane Society, they will find a suitable home for him.  

Momof4AEMW
by Gold Member on Mar. 4, 2014 at 5:20 PM

Hugs Mama.  You've done your dues, more than your share of helping her out.  Not your problem.  You could try to find a home for the dog that would be willing to do some obedience school and such if needed or that would take it as is.  I don't have dogs so don't know if 9 is young or old, lol.  But you've done plenty to help her.  She needs to take some responsibility and help herself. 

JTMOM422
by Brenda on Mar. 4, 2014 at 5:34 PM

 At least you gave her a deadline. Just make sure you stick with it. It sounds like she is trying to use a guilt trip in order to get you to keep the dog longer. Stick to your guns and come March 15th find a home or take the dog to the pound. If the dog bit you what's to say that it won't be one of your grandchildren next.

wildchild.com
by Janine on Mar. 4, 2014 at 8:10 PM
Out of line? Absolutely not! It is her that is way out of line! I know it's sad the poor dog is just a victim of circumstances but it's her dog & her responsibility. Do they have a "no kill shelter" where you live? We have one that I had to give up our dog to & she was older & had heart worm. They cured the heartworm & found a home for her. Good luck!
hockeyfans30
by Member on Mar. 4, 2014 at 10:46 PM

Thanks everyone for your support!!!  It was a rough day!  After I posted this, she messaged me on facebook and asked me to forward her mail to her (as she was too damn lazy to notify the post office in the last 3 months since she moved!)  and then told me that she was cutting off contact with us.  I'm sure her way of trying to make me feel worse about getting rid of the dog and/or trying to guilt me into keeping it for her.  So I let her have it.  I didn't want to be mean, but I have just had it!!!  I pretty much told her I thought it was completely unfair of her to try to make us out to be the bad guys when she was the one who used us for nearly 2 years and treated us like crap!  She didn't like hearing that.  She called me some names, so I blocked her.  I am washing my hands of her.  It sucks!!  It really does.  We tried so damn hard to help her get her life on track!  I'm 99.9% sure she's into drugs.  Hell, when my BIL was sick and dying they had to take his morphine away and put him on methadone for pain because she was stealing HIS meds!!  GRRRR  Well, it's done now.  A couple mroe days, and it's time for the dog to go before she really bites someone and hurts them.  I feel bad for the dog.  It's not her fault, but I can't do it anymore.  :-(  Thanks again everyone.  I am sometimes such an enabler!  I let people walk all over me and I appreciate the boost of confidence to do what is right for my family!!  I appreciate it more than you can imagine!  

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