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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Admiration and curiosity

Posted by on Mar. 8, 2014 at 12:54 AM
  • 16 Replies

I was sitting here thinking about our unborn baby and as most of you know I went through a very hard time because of my fears and worrying if our new baby will be ok. 

I noticed there are a lot of moms that have more than one child with disabilities and even though they have rough days, they manage and seem to handle it well. I'm just curious why these mothers decided to have more children after having one child with a disability. My reason is that I do not believe in abortion and I already love this baby we created. 

After having my son I thought that was it for us because he has PDD but even with the struggles he is the most amazing child in the world to me. I have never known love like I do now. So I was just wondering if these moms did it for the same reasons. Did you also have fears and any doubts about having more children? 

I have to say I admire each and every one of you for the decisions you have made. I can only hope I can be as strong if my baby should end up ASD. 

This post is in no way meant to offend anybody because as I said I truly admire every mother that made the decision to have more children. I wanted a big family and I'm so happy about our baby to come and it now has me thinking we may go for number 3!! 

Hugs!!! 

by on Mar. 8, 2014 at 12:54 AM
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Replies (1-10):
TheJerseyGirl
by Michele on Mar. 8, 2014 at 7:48 AM

I can't imagine my life without Dillon. He is my heart and soul. Although he's my baby of the 3, I wish I'd had another child..disabled or not.

Hugs right back to you!

Momof4AEMW
by Gold Member on Mar. 8, 2014 at 7:56 AM

Well, my 3 with SN came as a group since they were triplets.  I didn't exactly have more after knowing.  We were only planning on 2 total children, so we would not have had more regardless of a disability.  That being said, the 4 kids I have now were meant for me.  We had a miscarriage between my oldest and the trips, and obviously at that time you wonder why.  Well, once I saw my three, I knew.  I never wondered about the baby that got away again.  These were the kids I was meant to have, it is a ton of work, stress, and challenges.  But they are wonderful, great kids, and I would choose to have each of them all over again.  Even when you think you're at your limit, you'd be surprised what you can still handle.  You're a strong Mama, you'll be ok no matter what your new baby has or doesn't have. :)

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Mar. 8, 2014 at 7:59 AM

Im good with the one... since he is equal to 6. LOL... I cant say that there isnt a part that wishes for an NT child.My neighbor down the street has 3 NT kids and has adopted 1 SN (high anxiet, but not even an iep) and is now in the process of adopting a boy SN who may need special schools, etc. I think she is amazing... I wish I could do that.. BUT, when I look at HER support system vs my support system I can see why she can do what she does... and why I simply cant.
I know the miscarriage I had was what needed to happen. I could not have handled another child. But it still makes me a bit sad.. now that Im 40 (again??) and hubby is "fixed" no more kids for us...

 

ineedcoffeemom
by Brittaney on Mar. 8, 2014 at 9:32 AM

We're not having more for so many reasons. My husband pushed the not wanting another child with asd reason down my throat alot ..... but I think he was afraid to mention his real reasoning behind it. He's getting restless. My life went down a much different path when I started noticing our daughter not developing normally. But my life may take another very unexpected turn 

Part of the reason I love my husband so much is I knew he would take me places and show me things I'd never have the courage to do on my own. And the last couple of years, I've been trying to "domesticate" him. Take that adventerous spirit out of him. But I can't do that ..... he's suffocating. And the life he wants is not very well suited for children. Oddly, thinking about it, our child will be more suited to what my husband wants to do than an NT child. 

Several years from now I hope to adopt a child. I don't want my daughter to be an only child .... and I will adopt a child only a couple of years younger than her so they can be close. But right now I have to focus on her and my husband ....... they take up so much of my time I can't fit another right now. 

My husband and I were were actually talking last night about how sometimes it's not a place that upsets my daughter .... it's my emotions that upset her. If I'm anxious at a certain place, she's anxious, if I'm sad, she's sad. I had to handle some stressful phone calls yesterday and it really upset her so she went to sleep as a defense mechanism. And what sucks if my husband does the same dang thing. If I'm mad, he's mad, if I'm anxious, he's anxious. They both feed off my emotions so I HAVE to be happy or my whole household falls apart :(

Linda733
by on Mar. 8, 2014 at 12:43 PM

That's exactly how I feel about Zachary. Life didnt turn out the way I had planned but in so many ways, its better. He's just so amazing and watching him learn and just fly is like witnessing a miracle. That's why I asked because I assumed for a lot of mothers it was all about the love of children and disabled or not, it wouldn't change a thing for them. 

Quoting TheJerseyGirl:

I can't imagine my life without Dillon. He is my heart and soul. Although he's my baby of the 3, I wish I'd had another child..disabled or not.

Hugs right back to you!


Linda733
by on Mar. 8, 2014 at 12:55 PM
1 mom liked this

Wow I didn't know they came as triplets!! I have a whole new respect for you. I know people that have had twins and I always thought "what a lot of work that must be and how do they do it.? However, having triplets must be a bit more exhausting!! I have days where I feel like I need a long vacation and I only have the one lol. I love your outlook and think you are amazing! You definitely deserve a day at the spa!! I've had days where I thought I'm not doing the right thing for my son or he deserves a better mother but then I realize I never stop pushing him and teaching him and I am meant to be his mother. Just a small example, I have been working with him on certain words like "eight" because he would say eyy and then last week he just said "eight" clear as day! Those little things make me so proud and show me that I am doing it right. This is what I was meant to do. I appreciate your kind words and I feel so much better these days and will accept and deal with whatever comes my way. Hugs mama :) 

Quoting Momof4AEMW:

Well, my 3 with SN came as a group since they were triplets.  I didn't exactly have more after knowing.  We were only planning on 2 total children, so we would not have had more regardless of a disability.  That being said, the 4 kids I have now were meant for me.  We had a miscarriage between my oldest and the trips, and obviously at that time you wonder why.  Well, once I saw my three, I knew.  I never wondered about the baby that got away again.  These were the kids I was meant to have, it is a ton of work, stress, and challenges.  But they are wonderful, great kids, and I would choose to have each of them all over again.  Even when you think you're at your limit, you'd be surprised what you can still handle.  You're a strong Mama, you'll be ok no matter what your new baby has or doesn't have. :)


Linda733
by on Mar. 8, 2014 at 1:12 PM

Lol I understand that statement because every now and again Zachary will have just one of those days where he just wants to be difficult with everything. Those days don't happen often but they happen and they are the worst. I try everything and then I just give up and let him play alone or wait for him to either come out of it or I'm counting the hours until bedtime lol I hate to say that because I love spending every moment with him but they can put us through the ringer!  

Wow I admire her too but having a great support system can enable you to do so much more. I'm just like you and don't have much in the way of support but we manage and I've given up on all the people I thought I would have to lean on. I've also wondered many times what Zachary would be like if he was NT but if I do that to myself I miss out on seeing what an awesome child he is. When he was first diagnosed was when I went through envying all the mothers with normal children and having a pity party. It was so unhealthy for me and actually affected me physically. I stopped eating and sleeping and crying constantly became my normal day. I'm so glad I'm passed that now. It was a dark, lonely place and all I felt was despair.

Now I enjoy everyday and love my life with my family. I will say honestly though if I was given the choice of NT or autistic, the choice would be easy. Also, if they find a cure, I will be one of the first in line and not for me but for Zachary. 

Im so sorry to hear you had a miscarriage :( well you have one amazing child and you are blessed..hugs!! 

Quoting SamMom912:

Im good with the one... since he is equal to 6. LOL... I cant say that there isnt a part that wishes for an NT child.My neighbor down the street has 3 NT kids and has adopted 1 SN (high anxiet, but not even an iep) and is now in the process of adopting a boy SN who may need special schools, etc. I think she is amazing... I wish I could do that.. BUT, when I look at HER support system vs my support system I can see why she can do what she does... and why I simply cant. I know the miscarriage I had was what needed to happen. I could not have handled another child. But it still makes me a bit sad.. now that Im 40 (again??) and hubby is "fixed" no more kids for us...



Linda733
by on Mar. 8, 2014 at 1:31 PM

We have a lot in common. My husband is a free spirit and loves to jump on his bike and go. He wants to see the world and do so many things that just aren't possible. We had planned on waiting to have kids and doing a lot of awesome things but our plans changed when Zachary came along. I don't know if I would say my husband is getting restless or maybe he is but hasn't expressed it to me. My life also went down a much different path exactly like you when I started noticing the changes in Zachary. My husband was in denial even after the diagnosis. 

Honestly, a huge part of the reason I fell in love with my husband is for the same reason. I knew life with him would be exciting and he would show me the world and do things I would have never tried on my own. My husband seems domesticated but I think it's more because he works like a horse and is just too tired to do anything lately. My husband will always tell me it doesn't matter if our life plan has changed and we can still do a lot but just different things. It's nice to hear him say those things but I also have to let him go and do some of the things we were supposed to do together. I don't want him to feel like he's missed out on everything. If the makes sense. 

Thats amazing that you want to adopt. I was considerng that before I got pregnant and I even now I still think about it but if we decided to adopt it wouldn't be for quite some time. We love children and I would love to give a child a loving home with siblings to play and bond with. A guy at my husbands job just adopted 2 little boys, brothers ages 2 and 1. The agency called him up a few days after taking the brothers and asked if he wanted a 9 yr old too. He just thought that would be too much but it made me sad that this poor child has no home or parents. It's heartbreaking! 

My husband tells me the same thing about my emotions but I think he's wrong because I usually keep my calm unless my son gets hurt, then I get upset. I'm sorry you have to hold the entire family together. That has to be exhausting and added pressure :( hugs!! 

Quoting ineedcoffeemom:

We're not having more for so many reasons. My husband pushed the not wanting another child with asd reason down my throat alot ..... but I think he was afraid to mention his real reasoning behind it. He's getting restless. My life went down a much different path when I started noticing our daughter not developing normally. But my life may take another very unexpected turn 

Part of the reason I love my husband so much is I knew he would take me places and show me things I'd never have the courage to do on my own. And the last couple of years, I've been trying to "domesticate" him. Take that adventerous spirit out of him. But I can't do that ..... he's suffocating. And the life he wants is not very well suited for children. Oddly, thinking about it, our child will be more suited to what my husband wants to do than an NT child. 

Several years from now I hope to adopt a child. I don't want my daughter to be an only child .... and I will adopt a child only a couple of years younger than her so they can be close. But right now I have to focus on her and my husband ....... they take up so much of my time I can't fit another right now. 

My husband and I were were actually talking last night about how sometimes it's not a place that upsets my daughter .... it's my emotions that upset her. If I'm anxious at a certain place, she's anxious, if I'm sad, she's sad. I had to handle some stressful phone calls yesterday and it really upset her so she went to sleep as a defense mechanism. And what sucks if my husband does the same dang thing. If I'm mad, he's mad, if I'm anxious, he's anxious. They both feed off my emotions so I HAVE to be happy or my whole household falls apart :(


Simran81
by Bronze Member on Mar. 8, 2014 at 3:57 PM

I feel things happen in life for a reason and if there is hardship in your life, you couldn't escape it. It will come in your life in some form or the other. So if I decide to not have a second child cause of that fear, something else may happen in my life. Hence that fear will not stop me from going ahead to have a second child. I have infertility though and getting pg itself was difficult the first time. So I don't know if I would be blessed a 2nd time.

Linda733
by on Mar. 8, 2014 at 4:23 PM

Aww I'm sorry to hear that :( 

Quoting Simran81:

I feel things happen in life for a reason and if there is hardship in your life, you couldn't escape it. It will come in your life in some form or the other. So if I decide to not have a second child cause of that fear, something else may happen in my life. Hence that fear will not stop me from going ahead to have a second child. I have infertility though and getting pg itself was difficult the first time. So I don't know if I would be blessed a 2nd time.


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