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Behavior Problems

Posted by on Mar. 16, 2014 at 11:10 PM
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I have a son who will be 12 years old on April 4th and he has high functioning Autism (which he wasn't formally diagnosed until he was 9), he also has ADHD, ODD, and Anxiety. I am having a hard time with him when it comes to discipline. He is very hard to deal with when it comes to asking him to do something such as getting dressed, eating, or other daily necessities. I am so beyond frustrated and don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?


by on Mar. 16, 2014 at 11:10 PM
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by Bronze Member on Mar. 16, 2014 at 11:17 PM
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Something that we were told to do was, instead of taking everything way, take something away that would make an impact. For every day he doesn't do what is asked, he doesn't get that item. Now if he DOES do what is asked of him, he does get it.

For instance...we lay out the expectation early. We tell our daughter that, "Ok tomorrow this is what is going to happen. In order to get friends and computer (that's what works for her), you have to do the chore I ask of you/go to school.

I reminder her as its time. Now if she doesn't do so, she doesn't get the item, but she has other options like drawing, tv, reading, playing in the backyard with no friends, etc.

Chore wise, it works fairly well and I do have to help sometimes or break it down to one thing for her to do like, "ok today I need you to put all your cloths in the hallway." or "Ok today we are going to clean one side of your room, I will help, but it needs to be done before anything else." etc etc. Feeding her dog and taking showers are expected of her, she knows that I will expect that of her period.

But additional chores I have to lay it out that way.

School is the big one though, that we are having problems with.

Hope that helps.

Oh and one more thing...hold your ground, don't give in! If he choses to NOT comply for four days, he gets four days of not acccessing whatever it is you take from him. It might get "hairy" but you have to stick to your guns on it. Eventually when he sees that, you aren't giving in, he will give. He will test you every step of the way, too.

For the record my dd is 11.

by Silver Member on Mar. 16, 2014 at 11:20 PM

You just described my, almost. 10 year old.

Here's a bump so I can read replies too.

by on Mar. 16, 2014 at 11:34 PM
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Thank you Anoronlight for responding. I will try that. He doesn't do chores but we have to fight him to do simplty stuff like get dressed, take a shower, take your meds, get ready for school and so on. 

I will try your approach. Right now I just yell at him which obviously doesn't work or argue with him and nothing gets accomplished. I end up feeling bad and giving in and that is why I am having such a hard time with this. it needs to end.

by on Mar. 17, 2014 at 6:05 AM
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 This is the age they want to test the waters and rebel. Mine will be 13 on April 12th.

Be firm. Let him know what will be expected and stick to it. Make him a chart and if it's not followed take away time for computer,tv, playtime,etc.

by Gold Member on Mar. 17, 2014 at 10:59 AM
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My son who is 5.5  works well with using a behavieral chart.  He receives a small award for each daily behavier if he follows through with and at the end of the week  he receives a larger award if he receives enough smaller awards that week.  Every child is going to have their bad weeks but it keeps my son focused on achieving good behavier each week.  I give my son 3 warnings, if he doesn't follow through on the 3rd warning he receives a written strike on his chart.

by on Mar. 17, 2014 at 11:13 AM

How do you moms feel about having your child  write about what they did wrong? Example-If he talks back to me or gives me an attitude he could write 25 times I will not talk back to my mom


by Platinum Member on Mar. 17, 2014 at 1:41 PM
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Have you asked him why he has trouble getting drssed in the AM? 

I disagree with taking things away, because I dont feel that shows your son compassion and understanding for his issues at hand.  Im guessing (and this may be a stretch.... ) that it will make things worse and he will become more odd, less cooperative and more rageful... My opinion is that IF you exaccerbate the situation at hand with somethng already "difficult", that the backlash will be worse.. He will get more angry, more pissed, less cooperative.... Then more unhappy, less nice and respectful.. And well long story short... Where is the happy relationship you want with your son? 

 Im sure he is just as unhappy that your mornings go poorly as you are. id wonder if sitting with him one quiet relaxed afternoon and mentioning the issue you could brainstorm some ideas to help the morning go smoother. he may have some great solutions about what might help him, and it may empower him to take on the responsibility.  Id try to be unaccusing, helpful, empathetic, and understanding to his plight. 

"Hey, i noticed this morning you had some difficulty getting dressed when it was time for us to head to school. Whats up? " 

remember to try NOT to ask general questions (general questions get "i dont know answers") try to be specific to a time. (Different morning smay have different issues, but Id ask questions about a recent time he could remember so he can be forthcoming with info ) and never punish him for telling you anything... Cause that will break the bridge of communication,,,  Dnt push too hard, but try to get as much info as you can.. Claim you dont undertsnad a lot so that he gets real specfifc.. And see if the two of you can come up with some helpful suggestions... 

Im going to suggest you check out Dr Ross Greenes website 

by Silver Member on Mar. 17, 2014 at 2:11 PM
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And when one on one talks, talking prized items away, & reward systems fail????

Mind you all counseling suggestions.

Over the years all have been tried and retried and failed. What's next cuz no one seems to know.

by on Mar. 17, 2014 at 7:25 PM
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I understand all too well where you are coming from. My 8 (almost 9) year old daughter is adhd, bipolar, and high functioning autism. She is extremely violent, and very hard to deal with during many times and situations. WE have tried charts, reward systems, etc and nothing has worked for her. I can say that if you have not tried 1-2-3 magic you may want to try that. My daughters dr recommended it and it did work for a while (however shes beyond smart and found loopholes). Otherwise If you come up with something please share!

by Darby on Mar. 17, 2014 at 8:05 PM

Welcome to the group!

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