I don't even know where to start.. Ive been researching, going to conferences, classes etc on what type of therapy would best fit Ryan and our family. ABA seemed perfect. Our insurance wouldn't cover it. So the fight began...one year later I have ABA. I love our therapist. She's a lot like me and Im def comfortable with her. Well we are doing pic schedule and reward tokens. Its working and I know as she and the drs have warned me Ryan will get worse than better. Its just so exhausting. Just to take a walk took me 30min. Showing Ryan a pic of his shoes, coat, first we do this, then this etc. Im grateful for the services as ive said I busted my a** to get them but Im sitting back wondering is this really life? Ryan went after me kicking me in the stomach and punching me. I used the restraint techniques that Ive been shown. He was trying to bite me and spitting in my face. I followed through with what Ive been shown and he did calm down and was a lot better. I walked away after and just cried, my face covered in spit. I know this hard work will pay off but its over whelming. I had a parent teacher conference for Ryan and its just hard to hear some things. Ryan has the desire to be social with the other kids but is inappropriate. He's rough and will find out what annoys a certain child and he will do it. He wants the negative reaction. A little boy in his class couldn't handle high pitch screams. Ryan would get in his face and scream. Finally the little boy punched Ryan in the head. He now has to sit alone on the bus. The teacher has to have an aid just work with Ryan and take him away from the group. I just want Ryan to learn so he isn't the little boy without a single friend. Then theres my poor Samuel. I'll have some answers next week as to what is going on with him that's causing him to be getting so sick. Its just all exhausting. My dh is working 6 days a week, I work wed and thurs nights. Im basically on my own. Im trying to give Samuel his treatments and Ryan is off in a corner chewing his finger until it bleeds. I just looked at the ceiling saying in my head "is this my life?" I have so much to be grateful for but Im getting beat up by life right now. Having no support from family or friends minus you ladies is taking a toll on me. I have no life. Im isolated from the world. My mom's cancer maybe back and she goes in next week to have a mass removed from her lung. I have an odd relationship with my mom but at the end of the day she's my mom and I can't imagine my life without her. She goes into surgery the same day Im taking Samuel to pulmonary for his tests. I can't be with her. I can't do anything really. My family are all going out to eat before my moms surgery and I can't go. The place is too busy and loud for Ryan to go. I cant even take Samuel out yet, Im stuck in the house. The Drs said to keep him away from public places in case he does in fact have this auto-immune disease. AHHH! So i guess this is my life and the sooner I accept it the better. I just needed to vent ladies Im sorry. Maybe one day soon things will improve. Thank you all for being here for me! HUGS!